For Your Health
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HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY - June 9, 2000
"A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ."
Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation)
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Here's our reminder for everyone of why we do "Humor" editions at
least once each month (and more when you request them):
"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a
man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will
accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him
under the sun."
"Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world."
"Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever
granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to
Charles R. Swindoll
"It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to
laugh in his presence."
"Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is
the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker
makes room for laughter!"
Emmett Kelly, Jr.
Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a
serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels
increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the
nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services
Oscar W. Firkins
And so, friends, here's another dose of Fatherly "medicine" for
whatever may have you feeling down. Take as often as needed, until
overcome with joy. Have a great week!
Sent with love from your brother and sister in Christ,
Steve & Cathy Hall
BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER
(Received from net153.com - Author Unknown)
So many men, so few who can afford me.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't
remember it all.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please use it.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
If we are what we eat - I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won. (Around a picture of dandelions)
BETTING ON A SURE THING
(Received from Jeanette Littleton via Mikeys-funnies)
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he
noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic
priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a
blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure
enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest
before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed
a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of
dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in
by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest
continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie
won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie
left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the
priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to
the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that
horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down
the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse
Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last! Charlie was crushed. He
located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless
the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse
on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What
happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You
can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."
THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT
(Received from Lorraine via GCFL - Author Unknown)
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to
get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
A MATTER OF PUNCTUATION
(Pastor Jim and the Crew at net153 - Author Unknown)
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
(Received from Gabe Coombs and others via Mikeys-Funnies)
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Belzer; the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door
at the side entrance.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was
given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.
Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD!
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
(Also from Pastor Jim at net153 - Author Unknown)
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the
other, "Why are we down in this hole digging s ditch when our boss is
standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed
out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot
sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, `intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The
ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The
boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss
said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel
and hit my hand."
(Received from Jarek "Shadow" Bekesza via CleanLaugh)
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-
flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Copyright © 1998 - 2000 by Stephen J. Hall - Weekly letters of
encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless
otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley
are never intended to offend anyone. They're meant only to brighten
your day and encourage you along the way. Most of "Notes"
and "Humor" are a collection of items provided to me by subscribers
and friends. Credit is given to both the contributor and to the true
author, where known. If you are blessed by them, please feel free to
make copies and pass them along to others. If you have something
you'd like to contribute to a future edition, or any questions or
comments, please contact us at:
"Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands
of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your
lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)