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September Laugh Lines

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  • Stephen J. Hall
    (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: | :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY September 30, 2007 A cheerful disposition is good for your health . .
    Message 1 of 4 , Oct 2, 2007
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      HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY
      September 30, 2007

      "A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ."
      Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation)

      (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: | :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o)


      God continues to bless us and care for us in the midst of our current
      troubles. Cathy's health issues seem to have stabilized and her
      tests indicate she's finally on the mend from the events of this
      summer. And we finally had some rain to lessen the threat of fire
      around our mountain home. So this seems like a good time for some
      laugh lines as a way of celebrating the positive turn of events we're
      experiencing.

      For new members to the list, we try to do Humor from the Valley once
      a month as a break from the heavier topics in Notes from the Valley.
      We collect "clean" jokes from various sources of humor and assemble
      our favorites for our readers in the hopes it will bring a little
      laughter to somebody's day. Here's a few of the other reasons why we
      believe these editions are important.

      "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a
      man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will
      accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him
      under the sun." Eccelesiastes 8:15

      "Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world." Johann Weiss

      "Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever
      granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to
      pray." Charles R. Swindoll

      "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to
      laugh in his presence."
      George Macdonald

      "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is
      the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker
      makes room for laughter!" Emmett Kelly, Jr.

      Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Mark Twain

      One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it (humor)
      arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness
      of services it renders. Oscar W. Firkins

      May the pages that follow bring a smile to your face and a lift to
      your spirit. We remain your brother and sister in Christ always,

      Steve & Cathy Hall



      PUTTING FORTH THE EFFORT
      (Thought for the Day - Alan Smith)

      An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an
      attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door. "Yes?", he
      replied, "how may I help you?"

      The lady said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

      "Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

      "Is there anything I can do to get an 'A' in your class?"

      "What do you mean by anything?", he replied.

      She said, in her best sultry voice, "I mean anything."

      The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and
      whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"




      A COUPLE OF CLEANLAUGHS
      (Received from Pastor Tim Davis' CleanLaugh)

      Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
      across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on
      the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both
      laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to
      pick up a pair of shoes over
      a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?"
      Arnold asked.

      "Not very likely," his wife said.

      "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
      downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a
      straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

      With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have
      to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of
      the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

      "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have
      thought they'd still be here after all this time."

      The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready
      Thursday."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my
      Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

      "Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

      "What else," I asked.

      "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The
      second week, they separate the men from the fools."

      "And the third week?" I asked.

      "The third week, the fools jump."




      NOT SO DUMB
      (Received from Jim & Sherry - A Merry Heart)

      A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
      officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
      needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
      kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys
      to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
      Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
      collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's
      underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde
      returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

      The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business,
      and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
      puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
      are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to
      borrow $5,000?"

      The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
      for two weeks for 15 bucks?"




      KITTY HEAVEN
      (Received Sherry & Jim - A Merry Heart)

      One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he
      meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good
      life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
      comfortable, please let me know."

      The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived
      with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

      The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful,
      fluffy pillow appears.

      A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident,
      and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them
      with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been
      chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
      brooms. Running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we
      could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

      The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new
      roller skates.

      About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
      snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks
      him, "How are things since you got here?"

      The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
      Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels'
      you've been sending by are the best!"



      THE GAME
      (Received from Len Evans via Mikey's Funnies)

      A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
      Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to
      play a fun game? The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely
      declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
      lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
      He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
      you pay me $5, and vise versa."

      Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

      The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer
      you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
      This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
      end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

      The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
      earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
      purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says
      the lawyer, "your turn."

      She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
      down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop
      computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the
      air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
      Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
      and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
      hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get
      some more sleep.

      The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
      asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches
      into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep.

      ______________________________________________________________________
      ______________________
      Copyright © 1998 - 2007 by Stephen J. Hall - Weekly letters of
      encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless
      otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley
      are meant to brighten your day and encourage you along the way. If
      you are blessed by them, please feel free to make copies and pass
      them along to others. If you have something you'd like to contribute
      to a future edition, or any questions or comments, please contact us
      at: steveh.rbis@...
      ______________________________________________________________________
      ______________________

      "Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands
      of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your
      lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)
    • Stephen J. Hall
      (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: | :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY September 28, 2008 A cheerful disposition is good for your health . .
      Message 2 of 4 , Sep 26, 2008
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        (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: | :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o)

        HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY
        September 28, 2008

        "A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ."
        Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation)

        (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: (o: | :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o)


        It's been almost two months since we've done one of these editions.
        Wow! Time sure seems to fly by anymore. I thank God daily that our
        lives are so filled with friends, family, and wonderful activities to
        share with them. We are truly blessed. But I do apologize for
        waiting so long to share a few laughs with you - our extended
        family. So many of you bless us with encouraging articles and caring
        notes each day. Please know that you are included in my daily
        prayers of thanksgiving to God as well.

        For new members to the list, we try to do Humor from the Valley once
        a month or so as a break from the heavier topics in Notes from the
        Valley. We collect "clean" jokes from various sources of humor and
        assemble our favorites for our readers in the hopes it will bring a
        little laughter to somebody's day. Here's a few of the other reasons
        why we believe these editions are important.

        "Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world." Johann Weiss

        "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to
        laugh in his presence." George Macdonald

        "Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever
        granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to
        pray." Charles R. Swindoll

        "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is
        the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker
        makes room for laughter!" Emmett Kelly, Jr.

        One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it (humor)
        arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness
        of services it renders. Oscar W. Firkins

        May the pages that follow bring a smile to your face and a lift to
        your spirit. May your heart be filled with the certain knowledge of
        God's love and grace every day.

        I remain sheltered under His wing and overwhelmed by His love,

        Steve



        A SECOND OPINION
        (Received from Pastor Tim's Cleanlaugh)

        A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay
        the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing
        the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
        his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

        "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any
        testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the
        vet turned and left the room.

        In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The
        Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out
        thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever
        sadly shook his head and said "Bark". The veterinarian then took the
        Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also
        checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the
        cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the
        table and ran out of the room.

        The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went
        crazy. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

        The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word
        for it, your bill would have been $50. BUT with the Lab work and the
        cat scan it comes to $600.



        THAT DARN CAT
        (Received from Kimberly Cook - HeartStrings)

        A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready, all dolled
        up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out,
        the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so
        the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to
        chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house
        will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs
        to say goodbye to my mother."

        A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
        long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had
        to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"



        WRITE IT DOWN !
        (Received from Miles Mauldin)

        An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things
        all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously
        wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write
        things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man
        got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of
        ice cream while you're up."

        "Okay," he said.

        ". . . and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it,
        too," she added. "You'd better write all this down."

        "I won't forget!" he said.

        Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a
        plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. "Now, I told
        you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."

        "What did I forget?" he asked.

        She replied, "My toast!"



        NOTE WORTHY
        (Received from Katrina Eaton via Mikey's Funnies)

        An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
        upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
        curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just
        discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart
        failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

        To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

        A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
        exactly right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the
        world did you know?"

        "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
        Shekels on Goliath.'"




        CANINE CUNNING
        (Received from Gina Mattei in SA)

        A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
        faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
        butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So,
        wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
        with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy,
        I'm in deep doodoo now."(He was an Irish setter) . . . Then he
        noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles
        down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
        as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that
        was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
        here?"

        Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
        terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says
        the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."

        Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
        nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade
        it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog
        saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
        something must be up.

        The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
        strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at
        being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
        what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

        Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
        thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
        sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen
        them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog
        says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him
        off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not
        back!!"



        A WORRIED MIND
        (Received from Net 153 Funnies)

        The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
        from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the
        visitor asked.

        "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

        "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like
        you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

        "Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

        "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

        The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
        major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone
        on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
        _______________________________________________

        Copyright © 1998 - 2008 by Stephen J. Hall - Letters of
        encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless
        otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley
        are meant to brighten your day and encourage you along the way. If
        you are blessed by them, please feel free to make copies and pass
        them along to others. If you have something you'd like to contribute
        to a future edition, or any questions or comments, please contact us
        at: steveh.rbis@...
        ________________________________________________

        "Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands
        of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your
        lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)
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