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Re: Hi People!

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  • mercurialzizou
    Hi Peta, Thanx for taking the time out to read it, but I have not read any of the books you have mentioned, so cant really do much about the name things. Zizou
    Message 1 of 11 , Nov 15, 2005
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      Hi Peta,

      Thanx for taking the time out to read it, but I have not read any of
      the books you have mentioned, so cant really do much about the name
      things.

      Zizou

      --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Peta Smith" <petas@o...>
      wrote:
      >
      > Hi Zizou,
      > I read about half of your prologue but it wasn't really my thing.
      >
      > One point - I got a bit stuck on some of the names you have
      chosen -
      >
      > Isn't Falco the flying dog out of never-ending story?
      > Gaius a character in Battlestar Galactica ?
      > Arturios very similar to a character in a David Eddings series?
      >
      > Also, this bit really made me smile:
      >
      > "Arturios queried what these intriguing markings meant.
      > "What are these markings, priest?"
      >
      > If that was your intent, you succeeded!!
      >
      > Cheers, Peta
      >
      >
      > I am currently working on a novel titled 'The Orb of Simirion' and
      > would like some feedback on my prologue. It is not too long, so if
      > you can please read it and come back with some useful pointers it
      > would be greatly appreciated.
      >
      > Thanx again in advance to those who have the time to read it and
      > leave some feedback.
      >
      > Zizou
      >
    • mercurialzizou
      Hi, Thanx for the feedback, it is much appreciated. Will take on board some points you have made, particularly with regards to the ebony sword. Will do some
      Message 2 of 11 , Nov 15, 2005
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        Hi,

        Thanx for the feedback, it is much appreciated.

        Will take on board some points you have made, particularly with
        regards to the ebony sword. Will do some more thorough research in
        that department.

        I did not want to reveal too much behind the motives for the priest
        or the Knights just yet. I was looking to merely introduce them, and
        later on in the book will develop their stories.

        Kind Regards
        Zizou


        >
        > I quite liked it! It takes only a few seconds to hook the reader
        in
        > and just by showing rather telling us, we learn what kind of
        person
        > Arturios is, and something of his intentions. The scene in the
        cave
        > was truly scary and very evocative. I was genuinely suprised by
        the
        > murder of Gauius as well. A few minor points:
        >
        > ebony is a kind of wood and would not make a usable sword. I
        > wondered if you meant perhaps obsidian, which is a black volcanic
        > rock/glass which could be fashioned into a sword, or didi you just
        > mean to say the blade was a black as ebony rather than actually
        > being made of ebony.
        >
        > When the priest put his arm in the fire his flesh withered away.
        but
        > you don't explain whether his arm was better when he pulled it
        out,
        > or whaether it was still destroyed.
        >
        > I also found myself wanting to know more about the motivation of
        the
        > priest. Why is he helping the knights? Is he being forced to, or
        > does he want them to have the orb. What is he a priest of?
        >
        > I have no problem with the names. I alsways have a hard time
        > thinking them up myself, but I haven't read some of the books in
        > which the previous commentator found similar names.
        >
      • mercurialzizou
        Hiya Gloria, Thanx for the input, I will be developing the motives behind the Knights as the story goes on. Can you please elaborate on some of the unnecessary
        Message 3 of 11 , Nov 15, 2005
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          Hiya Gloria,

          Thanx for the input, I will be developing the motives behind the
          Knights as the story goes on. Can you please elaborate on some of
          the unnecessary phrases so I can review them.

          Kind Regards
          Zizou

          --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Gloria & John Oliver"
          <gioliver@s...> wrote:
          >
          > Pretty catchy. Some unnecessary phrases. Arturious's killing of
          Garious
          > seemed rather cold. They've known each other for some time, no?
          And they
          > are of the same group of knights? Some good descriptions. You
          might spend
          > a sentence letting us know about the knights of Sacrifice, their
          motto if
          > you will. Will give the reader more understanding.
          >
          > Sorry I couldn't do more.
          >
          > Gloria
        • Peta Smith
          Hi Zizou - Battlestar galactica is a TV show. Brilliant you should catch it. Neverending Story was a movie and is also a series (and books?)- also quite well
          Message 4 of 11 , Nov 15, 2005
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            Hi Zizou - Battlestar galactica is a TV show. Brilliant you should catch it.
            Neverending Story was a movie and is also a series (and books?)- also quite
            well known. If you enjoy fantasy I'm surprised you haven't heard of
            Eddings - he has written a number of series including the Belgariad,
            Mallorean, Ellenium and Tamuli (sp).
            What are your influences?
            Peta

            ----- Original Message -----
            From: "mercurialzizou" <mercurialzizou@...>
            To: <Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com>
            Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 9:48 PM
            Subject: [Fantasy_Books] Re: Hi People!


            > Hi Peta,
            >
            > Thanx for taking the time out to read it, but I have not read any of
            > the books you have mentioned, so cant really do much about the name
            > things.
            >
            > Zizou
            >
            > --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Peta Smith" <petas@o...>
            > wrote:
            >>
            >> Hi Zizou,
            >> I read about half of your prologue but it wasn't really my thing.
            >>
            >> One point - I got a bit stuck on some of the names you have
            > chosen -
            >>
            >> Isn't Falco the flying dog out of never-ending story?
            >> Gaius a character in Battlestar Galactica ?
            >> Arturios very similar to a character in a David Eddings series?
            >>
            >> Also, this bit really made me smile:
            >>
            >> "Arturios queried what these intriguing markings meant.
            >> "What are these markings, priest?"
            >>
            >> If that was your intent, you succeeded!!
            >>
            >> Cheers, Peta
            >>
            >>
            >> I am currently working on a novel titled 'The Orb of Simirion' and
            >> would like some feedback on my prologue. It is not too long, so if
            >> you can please read it and come back with some useful pointers it
            >> would be greatly appreciated.
            >>
            >> Thanx again in advance to those who have the time to read it and
            >> leave some feedback.
            >>
            >> Zizou
            >>
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            > Yahoo! Groups Links
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
          • mercurialzizou
            Hiya Peta, I do not read much books at all to be honest. I read Lord of the Rings a couple of years ago. I had not heard of it until the movies were released.
            Message 5 of 11 , Nov 15, 2005
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              Hiya Peta,

              I do not read much books at all to be honest. I read Lord of the
              Rings a couple of years ago. I had not heard of it until the movies
              were released. I was not much of a reader, and having only just
              finished my degree in Computer Science, I did not really get into
              the reading habit until a friend introduced me to David Gemmell.
              Since then I have read all his books, and there are quite a few.
              Many of them I have read twice over. His books are the influence
              behind my writing, and I am looking for a fantasy writer in his
              calibre. I am searching for some fresh material, but many authors I
              have tried do not write the same style as Gemmell, which to be
              perfectly honest is all I am interested in. If you read fantasy,
              then you should definitely give his work a try, start off with the
              Legend, and then take it from there should you enjoy it.

              I have however, just got hold of a copy of the Davinci Code by Dan
              Brown and will be giving that a read tonight.

              And yes, I have heard of both Never Ending Story and Battlestar
              Galactica. Watched Never Ending Story about ten years ago now I
              think, though I am sure Battlestar Galactica was a movie too.
              Never Ending Story was not my kind of movie, hence I remember
              absolutely nothing about it, except the catchy tune in there.

              Can you recommend any authors and books?


              Kind Regards
              Zizou

              --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Peta Smith" <petas@o...>
              wrote:
              >
              > Hi Zizou - Battlestar galactica is a TV show. Brilliant you should
              catch it.
              > Neverending Story was a movie and is also a series (and books?)-
              also quite
              > well known. If you enjoy fantasy I'm surprised you haven't heard
              of
              > Eddings - he has written a number of series including the
              Belgariad,
              > Mallorean, Ellenium and Tamuli (sp).
              > What are your influences?
              > Peta
              >
              > ----- Original Message -----
              > From: "mercurialzizou" <mercurialzizou@y...>
              > To: <Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com>
              > Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 9:48 PM
              > Subject: [Fantasy_Books] Re: Hi People!
              >
              >
              > > Hi Peta,
              > >
              > > Thanx for taking the time out to read it, but I have not read
              any of
              > > the books you have mentioned, so cant really do much about the
              name
              > > things.
              > >
              > > Zizou
              > >
              > > --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Peta Smith" <petas@o...>
              > > wrote:
              > >>
              > >> Hi Zizou,
              > >> I read about half of your prologue but it wasn't really my
              thing.
              > >>
              > >> One point - I got a bit stuck on some of the names you have
              > > chosen -
              > >>
              > >> Isn't Falco the flying dog out of never-ending story?
              > >> Gaius a character in Battlestar Galactica ?
              > >> Arturios very similar to a character in a David Eddings series?
              > >>
              > >> Also, this bit really made me smile:
              > >>
              > >> "Arturios queried what these intriguing markings meant.
              > >> "What are these markings, priest?"
              > >>
              > >> If that was your intent, you succeeded!!
              > >>
              > >> Cheers, Peta
              > >>
              > >>
              > >> I am currently working on a novel titled 'The Orb of Simirion'
              and
              > >> would like some feedback on my prologue. It is not too long, so
              if
              > >> you can please read it and come back with some useful pointers
              it
              > >> would be greatly appreciated.
              > >>
              > >> Thanx again in advance to those who have the time to read it and
              > >> leave some feedback.
              > >>
              > >> Zizou
              > >>
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > > Yahoo! Groups Links
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              >
            • Gloria & John Oliver
              Hm did several paragraphs on the first message in color but looks like that went away. Can t do the whole thing but... Hope it helps. Just don t have time.
              Message 6 of 11 , Nov 16, 2005
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                Hm did several paragraphs on the first message in color but looks like that
                went away.

                Can't do the whole thing but... Hope it helps. Just don't have time.
                Still several days behind in mail. Waaaah.

                The rain was lashing down with relentless ferocity. The night sky
                was dark, the moon barely visible - hidden by the heavy clouds
                promising thunder and fresh rain. (This whole section is unnecessary - the
                next sentence sets up all this)

                I bolded and -- some below and () additions. See if this comes through.


                The Orb of Simirion


                Prologue:

                (Cut the stuff in light blue - not needed - Only did a few paragraphs no
                time! Sorry!) (Adds in dark blue)

                --The rain was lashing down with relentless ferocity. The night sky
                was dark, the moon barely visible - hidden by the heavy clouds
                promising thunder and fresh rain.-- A clasp of thunder struck to the
                to north as the riders approached the cave entrance. The horses
                whinnied in terror, ears flat to their skull s . Arturios extended his
                right hand and patted his chestnut gelding --smoothly--, whispering some
                calming words.
                The entrance to the cave was set deep in the cliff face making it
                almost impossible to --sight-- (see) the opening from a distance. The path
                leading to the cave had been treacherous, the horses slipping a
                number of times. Only the expert skills of the riders prevented any
                injuries from occurring.
                Arturios raised his right hand and --made the gesture-- (signaled) for the
                riders
                behind to dismount. Dropping lithely to the dicey rock, he turned to
                face his eight companions. Dressed in the usual attire for a Captain
                of the Knights of Sacrifice, he was clad in all black. The ankle
                length woolen cloak was draped over the black breastplate and
                leggings. The sword sheathed in its scabbard also possessed a very
                rare blade fashioned from ebony. His long blonde hair was swirling
                in the wind, his cloak flapping uncontrollably as he looked to the
                rider at the far end of the group.
                "Bring the wretch forward Falco," he commanded, his voice deep.
                "Yes , Lord," responded the man furthest away before turning to drag
                the prisoner forward. "Get up, and move in front old man."
                The priest began to move wearily toward the front of the cave. His
                back hunched, he seemed scarcely taller than a young boy. His body
                was skeletal and the wrinkles on his face made him appear ancient.
                The weakness of the old priest sickened Arturios. --Quite h--( H) ow a man
                could let himself reach that sort of measly (Not good word for this?)
                existence was baffling.
                As a captain of the Knights he --had-- revelled in his strength and
                youth. To die in front of the enemy, sword in hand was the way he
                would die he told himself.


                [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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