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Re: [Fantasy_Books] Re: FIrst 2 CHapters of Jucy and the Barbarian

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  • Peta Smith
    ... Actually, I quite liked it - read it to the end anyway. No problem with the language. If there are books where you need to keep a dictionary handy try the
    Message 1 of 9 , Nov 14, 2005
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      >> I'm sorry I couldn't get into this, it is not my writing style, You
      > have words like, "moniker, hearken, everyone needs must have, mayhaps,
      > rutterkin, weasband, primus, yclept. None of these words made any
      > sense to me, It was way to complicated to read, I couldn't even read
      > passed Yclept, cause I wasn't understanding what you were trying to
      > say. Sorry. Bonnie
      >>
      >
      >
      > Well, that's OK. The language isn't for everyone, and I toned it down
      > somewhat as the chapters go by. I would suggest reading it with a
      > dictionary in the begginning, or put "define x" into google, but I
      > think the archaic words are repeated oft enough that you soon learn
      > the important ones, and most of them can be ignored if you don't know
      > what they mean. It's probbaly a little like reading "A Clockwork
      > Orange" or ""Drinking Sapphire Wine" and "Bite the Sun" by Tanith Lee
      >


      Actually, I quite liked it - read it to the end anyway. No problem with the
      language. If there are books where you need to keep a dictionary handy try
      the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant!
      Peta
    • Herod Antipas
      Or try the Book of the New Sun, by Gene Wolfe, although I loved Thomas Covenant. Glad you liked the start of Jucy and the Barbarian. Did it leave you
      Message 2 of 9 , Nov 15, 2005
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        Or try the Book of the New Sun, by Gene Wolfe, although I loved Thomas
        Covenant. Glad you liked the start of Jucy and the Barbarian. Did
        it leave you wanting more? Ready for another chapter yet?

        Herod Antipas


        >
        > Actually, I quite liked it - read it to the end anyway. No problem
        with the
        > language. If there are books where you need to keep a dictionary
        handy try
        > the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant!
        > Peta
        >
      • Gloria & John Oliver
        Quite cute. I didn t find the high language too difficult, but it could be distracting to readers. You might thin it more. Herod Antipas
        Message 3 of 9 , Nov 16, 2005
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          Quite cute. I didn't find the high language too difficult, but it could be
          distracting to readers. You might thin it more.

          Herod Antipas <antippas@...> wrote:I've been working on something
          too. I guess you'd call it a novella
          in length. It's a humorous fantasy more or less in the style of L.
          Sprague de Camp. It gets a bit racy at times, but it is not
          pornographic. I have adopted de Camps conventions in archaic
          language, but there are also a few deliberate anachronisms. I'd be
          most grateful if you could tell me what you think.

          Herod Antipas




          Chapter 1: The Comission

          "By Crom's frozen beard, my name is Gwig!"

          The barbarian banged his tankard on the table for
          emphasis. "Not Mister Gwig, Master Gwig, Colonel Gwig, Gwig Jones,
          Gwig The Magnificent, or any other double, triple, or quadruple
          moniker! I have only one name and that name is Gwig, plain and
          simple!"

          "But hearken to this" said the richly attired minister
          reasonably. He motioned to the wench for another tankard for his
          companion and a fresh goblet for himself. "Mr…" he put his hand to
          his mouth, "er.. Gwig. In this modern age everyone needs must have
          a second name. What about Gwig, son of.."

          "Gwig. My father's name was Gwig."

          "Well then what village are you from? You might be Gwig of…"

          "It doesn't have a name. The locals call it "the other
          village.""

          "Mayhaps an occupational title: "Gwig the Mercenary""

          "And have every bravo and rutterkin in every hamlet from
          here to the sea trying to slit my weasand? I think not."

          "Well then there's always…"

          "I feel certain you were not about to suggest "Gwig the
          Barbarian." He said causing the minister to gulp. "One name has
          always sufficed me and shall continue so to do. Primus, other than
          mine own father I have never met another Gwig in all the land, so
          that were a friend or foe to shout in a crowd "Avast Gwig!" there be
          little danger of a dozen swains turning around. Secundus, My dear
          mother, by virtue of my having but one initial saved a fortune in
          the monogramming of all my fancy suits, and tertius, when I retires
          as an old and rich man and devote myself to managing my properties
          and investments, a short signature will save my right hand from the
          arthritis." The little man gave a sigh and spread his hands apart
          in resignation.

          "Have it your own way, but if you are to perform this
          service for my master, the king, you will need a knighthood and will
          be perforce yclept "Sir Gwig" whether you will it or no."

          "I shall worry about that an I decide to perform the service
          in the first place." He took a long pull from his mug. "Back to
          business. Tell me more about this "important mission.""

          "Why tis none other than to escort the king's youngest daughter, The
          Princess Jucunda, in comfort and safety to her nuptials. She is
          affianced to the Sultan of Ghaspar. For this the king will pay you
          three hundred golden sovereigns: One upon your departure and two
          hundred more payable by the Sultan when you deliver the princess
          into his safekeeping, plus, of course, an allowance for reasonable
          expenses." Here his voice fell to a whisper. "The king will also
          entrust to you a number of valuable, yet easy to conceal gemstones
          which comprise the princess's dowry. Ghaspar, as you know, lies on
          the other side of the Furiant Mountains, beyond the lands of Pasmea
          and Aspidouros. On horseback the journey should not take much in
          excess of three weeks, and you will have a map showing the best
          mountain pass and the finest inns along the way."

          "I would think that the king would want to send a larger and
          grander retinue." The minister took a sip of his wine and then put
          a hand on Gwig's shoulder, for which he had to reach up.

          "I can see you are a man of the world, Sir Gwig. Know ye
          that the queen gave birth to thirteen daughters afore the change of
          life was upon her. The King's younger cousin is the heir apparent.
          With no brothers to look after them when the king is gone, it were
          paramount to marry them off to good husbands. Augland is not a
          large kingdom and after the dowries for her twelve older sisters,
          in sooth the king is looking to leave a little something in the
          royal treasury for his old age. Rather than subject his beloved
          daughter to an entourage that is in any way less than regal, the
          king prefers to keep "a low profile,"" At this he held his hand
          with palm parallel to the floor at the level of his knees. "You are
          to travel incognito. You've a reputation for honesty and competence
          and in light of the delicacy of the situation his majesty is willing
          to pay 300 sovereigns. True, it's a bargain for a retinue but a
          handsome sum for a lone wayfarer." Gwig looked at him over the rim
          of his tankard. "I could go as high as 325," he said at last.

          "Done!" said the barbarian, making up his mind. The minister beamed

          "I'm delighted sir!" He handed over a small clinking pouch. "Here
          are some monies for provisioning. The princess will have her own
          horse and you shall have your choice from the stables. Would three
          days be enough time to prepare?"

          "I reckon it so. I will come to the palace two mornings after the
          morrow." The minister moved to depart but a massive hand detained
          him.

          "A final question sir. Why does she marry thus far away? Did they
          fall in love at a blue-blood convention of some sort?"

          "Nay. Though the sultan has gazed upon a portrait of Jucunda's
          radiant visage, in the flesh they have yet to meet."

          Chapter 2

          By Herod Antipas 2005

          "Sir Gwig, have another sweet roll to fortify you for
          today's journey. The princess is seeing to the packing of her
          trousseau and will be with us anon." Gwig winced at the honorific,
          but accepted the pastry, putting the whole thing into his mouth with
          a push of his forefinger in what he hoped was a delicate manner.
          The king was a hearty, red-faced man, going a little bit thick
          around the middle, tall and with a full head of hair. The queen was
          quite attractive, with an aquiline nose and a slender and regal
          bearing. Her reddish locks mostly concealed the gray hairs. She
          sat with ankles crossed, tapping the tip of a brocaded slipper.
          Both seemed friendly but slightly ill at ease, as if trying to avoid
          an unpleasant subject.

          Gwig's mind returned to the puzzles of the past few days.
          Why was the princess marrying someone who lived so far away?
          Perhaps after twelve princesses, the nearby pool of royalty had been
          somewhat depleted, but perhaps on the other hand there was something
          wrong with the princess which made marriage to a stranger easier to
          bring off. And was there not some family retainer who would have
          made a better choice than to escort her? Why had they chose
          a "barbarian" outlander, albeit one with a good reputation? It was
          almost as if the king were trying to keep his daughter's marriage a
          secret until the last possible moment.

          The king's question snapped him out of his exercise in brain
          cudgeling.

          "I said do you have any children, Sir Gwig?"

          "None that I know of, Sire." He thought back to sassy, broad-
          hipped Wenda from his home village. He'd heard she had gone away to
          become a lady's maid in Artabaria. She was probably long-since wed
          by now to some ostler or wainwright. "Betimes it has not been easy
          with our little Jucunda."

          The princess was coming into view and everything became
          clear. She was, if not the largest girl, certainly the heaviest
          princess Gwig had ever seen. On the tallish side, maybe 16 or 17
          hands and must have easily weighed 25 stone. She had her mother's
          red hair, done up in ringlets with a coronet of flowers. She had
          fine features, with broad cheekbones, ruby lips, and an upturned
          nose with a sprinkling of freckles which enhanced the girlishness of
          her appearance. It was harder to guess the age of fat girls, but he
          thought her to be about 20 years old.

          "She was a beautiful baby. Probably the fairest of all our
          daughters, and certainly the liveliest. She has kept me constantly
          on my toes." Here the queen interrupted.

          "At first we used to try to control her girth. How she used
          to cry when her sisters got sweetmeats and she was served carrots at
          table. In the end we just let her eat whatever she would and she
          seemed happier, and I suppose no fatter, for it. But I have worried
          so about finding her a husband. She is virginal of course, and not
          very knowledgeable in the ways of men." The princess was fussing
          with a large basket now. She wore a fine cream colored gown. The
          bodice was laced tight, forcing her ample bosom up into two snowy
          orbs, likewise sprinkled with freckles. Gwig wondered if she were
          freckled all over. The dress had been cleverly tailored to
          be "concealing" but he could see that her prominant belly doubled
          over into an apron that reached to mid thigh so that everything
          jiggled when she walked. He could make out the outline of her navel
          through the stretched fabric. As she approached her parents he was
          struck by the purity and intensity of her large blue-green eyes.

          "Where I come from," Gwig said, treading lightly, "the men
          appreciate a goodly woman. True she is more generously proportioned
          than most, but the fat girls do not lack for suitors." The queen's
          brow furrowed at the mention of that simple word and Gwig almost bit
          his tongue. "I'm sorry if I have offended, your majesty. In sooth
          I think the Princess Jucunda is a beautiful girl."

          "Let us hope the sultan does likewise. I had the royal portraitist
          take ten stone off her and the painting be only from the shoulders
          up."

          When the princess reached the table Gwig stood and bowed low, from
          the waist, so that his long hair almost swept the table.

          "Is this the barbarian then?" Jucunda said in an amused tone, "'Tis
          plain he possesses mighty thews, but he looks not over bright. Art
          sure he can read a map?" Gwig bit back a retort, forced himself to
          smile, and adopted a pedagogical tone.

          "Please allow me to allay your highnesses concerns. Though I am
          called "barbarian" in these parts (and `tis true most of the men of
          my land see no need for books) I was learned my letters by a
          traveling priest of Plar, the Southern god of learning. He came to
          our village to study nearby rock formations or some such. I can
          also write a fair hand and I speak Lomish, Artabarian, and a
          sprinkling of the tongue of the Gnolls. If any of these should fail
          us, then…" he gestured to the six foot two-handed sword which he
          wore in a scabbard slung over his back "my weapon shall safeguard
          both your person and honor."

          She regarded him skeptically while her parents made
          encouraging gestures. Meanwhile a huge white mare, the size of a
          draft horse, was led in by a couple of stable hands. She was
          bedecked with flowers and loaded with baggage. The king spoke up

          "Now see, here is Buttercup, all ready for your journey. She shall
          be part of your dowry when you arrive." Behind Buttercup was the
          smaller roan gelding Gwig had chosen for his own mount. Gwig
          worried that he was supposed to help the princess mount and that he
          might be unequal to the task, when a couple of footmen arrived with
          a sort of staircase on wheels. With the aid of this groaning
          contraption she assumed a ladylike sidesaddle position. The king
          seemed eager to get things moving again.

          "Now daughter, you mind Sir Gwig here and follow his instructions
          regarding your safety"

          "Yes father" she said in a bored monotone.

          "And keep your expense money and dowry separate and hidden from
          view.:

          "Yes father." Her mother broke in

          "And remember to bathe every sennight whether needed or not."

          "Yes mother." Jucunda was beginning to blush, ebing treated like
          child in front of Gwig.

          "Neglect not to brush your teeth with a stripped twig after every
          meal, oh and put the special paper I gave you over the privy seat
          ere you use it."

          "Mother, please!" the princess said, outraged and blushing ever more
          deeply.

          "Well it's for your own good Jucunda, and keep to the diet Dr.
          Murgroth has written out for you and maybe you could reduce by a
          whole stone before the wedding. You know how that gown chafes you
          in the…" The princess was blushing furiously and now seemed close
          to tears, so Gwig thought it best to cut short the queen's final
          advice. He gave buttercup a slap on the hindquarters, sending her
          trotting off through the palace gate. With a wave of his arm, he
          followed on the roan beyond the castle walls.






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        • Herod Antipas
          ... could be ... It didi end up thinning out as the tale went on, or maybe I just got used to it. Anyway I made sparser use of unfamiliar words, and I thinkt
          Message 4 of 9 , Nov 16, 2005
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            --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Gloria & John Oliver"
            <gioliver@s...> wrote:
            >
            > Quite cute. I didn't find the high language too difficult, but it
            could be
            > distracting to readers. You might thin it more.
            >


            It didi end up thinning out as the tale went on, or maybe I just got
            used to it. Anyway I made sparser use of unfamiliar words, and I
            thinkt he reader gets used to the constructions. Since I wasn;t going
            for absolute verisimilitude, I felt able to mix in a degree of more
            modern language
          • Gloria & John Oliver
            Problem is while it might thin out later, it s in the first part you need to catch the reader or lose them entirely. The section with the priest was very
            Message 5 of 9 , Nov 18, 2005
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              Problem is while it might thin out later, it's in the first part you need to
              catch the reader or lose them entirely. The section with the priest was
              very heavy with the words and many people might be turned off thinking the
              whole book will be that thick with it. They always say that when using
              dialects, accents, what have you, a little goes a long way. So you might
              consider thinning it out more at the beginning and once they get use to it
              you can add a little more. Rather than bashing them with it up front. Make
              sense?
              -----Original Message-----
              From: Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com
              [mailto:Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Herod Antipas
              Sent: Wednesday, November 16, 2005 8:51 PM
              To: Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com
              Subject: [Fantasy_Books] Re: FIrst 2 CHapters of Jucy and the Barbarian


              --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Gloria & John Oliver"
              <gioliver@s...> wrote:
              >
              > Quite cute. I didn't find the high language too difficult, but it
              could be
              > distracting to readers. You might thin it more.
              >


              It didi end up thinning out as the tale went on, or maybe I just got
              used to it. Anyway I made sparser use of unfamiliar words, and I
              thinkt he reader gets used to the constructions. Since I wasn;t going
              for absolute verisimilitude, I felt able to mix in a degree of more
              modern language





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            • Herod Antipas
              Sure, that makes sense. As I do the first revision I will equalize the use of dialect from chapter to chapter more. SOme of the later ones probably don t
              Message 6 of 9 , Nov 18, 2005
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                Sure, that makes sense. As I do the first revision I will equalize
                the use of dialect from chapter to chapter more. SOme of the later
                ones probably don't have enough.



                >
                > Problem is while it might thin out later, it's in the first part
                you need to
                > catch the reader or lose them entirely. The section with the
                priest was
                > very heavy with the words and many people might be turned off
                thinking the
                > whole book will be that thick with it. They always say that when
                using
                > dialects, accents, what have you, a little goes a long way. So
                you might
                > consider thinning it out more at the beginning and once they get
                use to it
                > you can add a little more. Rather than bashing them with it up
                front. Make
                > sense?
                > -----Original Message-----
                > From: Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com
                > [mailto:Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Herod Antipas
                > Sent: Wednesday, November 16, 2005 8:51 PM
                > To: Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com
                > Subject: [Fantasy_Books] Re: FIrst 2 CHapters of Jucy and the
                Barbarian
                >
                >
                > --- In Fantasy_Books@yahoogroups.com, "Gloria & John Oliver"
                > <gioliver@s...> wrote:
                > >
                > > Quite cute. I didn't find the high language too difficult,
                but it
                > could be
                > > distracting to readers. You might thin it more.
                > >
                >
                >
                > It didi end up thinning out as the tale went on, or maybe I just
                got
                > used to it. Anyway I made sparser use of unfamiliar words, and I
                > thinkt he reader gets used to the constructions. Since I wasn;t
                going
                > for absolute verisimilitude, I felt able to mix in a degree of
                more
                > modern language
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                > SPONSORED LINKS Writing book Writing a book Writing child book
                > Book writing software Science fiction and fantasy
                Writing a book
                > report
                >
                >
                > -------------------------------------------------------------------
                ---------
                > --
                > YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS
                >
                > a.. Visit your group "Fantasy_Books" on the web.
                >
                > b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
                > Fantasy_Books-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
                >
                > c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms
                of
                > Service.
                >
                >
                > -------------------------------------------------------------------
                ---------
                > --
                >
                >
                >
                > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                >
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