## ***Thought & Humor*** Oct. 9, 2004 Edition - ***Serendipity***

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• Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== One UNC student noticed another UNC student walking up and down Main
Message 1 of 1 , Oct 6, 2004
 Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper                           featuring 'Thought & Humor'                                                                by Howdy                                                                                                       =============== One UNC student noticed another UNC student walkingup and down Main Street, wearing a sandwich board thatread "Free Big Mac!" Strolling over with a look of  concern, the first UNCstudent asked, "Why? What'd he do?"  ===============      Riddles:1) I run over fields and woods all day,   Under the bed at night I sit alone,   With a long tongue hanging out,   Awaiting for a bone.   What is it? 2) What flower is in between your nose and your chin? 3)  I am a country. My 1st, 2nd, and 7th letters form an   external point. My 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 7th is what you   will be when you solve this puzzle. My 5th, 2nd, 3rd,   1st, and 4th is in heaven. My 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th   is on earth. What country am I?    4) I'm so fast you can't see me,   Though everyone sees straight through me,   I don't stop until the day you die.   What am I?   5) A tree doubled in height each year until it   reached its maximum height in 20 years. How   many years did it take this tree to reach   half its maximum height?                                           (Answers are located below)                                                  If you can't find the answers below:                          http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

===============

'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
===============

Q. Why did the UNC student  go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected change in the weather.

===============

Read what you have time for below
& save the residuum for a stormy/
blustery/dilatory interval while
the charming/exquisite/vernal/
aestival season is bursting out all
over. Our goal is to promote a non-
threatening and productive office
& university environment and to
establish language that is gender-
neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-
neutral while celebrating our spirit
of diversity.

===============

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting
in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible,"
to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

===============

***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
located below.
Even French students can do it...

===============

The Astronomy Picture of the Day (APOD), presents a different
celestial picture each day. Included with the picture is an explanation,
written in easy-to-understand language (See Genesis 1:1).

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html

===============

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings.
It is an intelligence above language.

===============

In a small business office in Chapel Hill, N.C., they have an
answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name
and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend
messages and she heard an enthusiastic UNC student recite
her name and address and then confidently offer, "My dif-
ficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

===============

Undoubtedly Americas fastest growing sensation online,
'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
through the Internets highways and byways to your e-mail
blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic
but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....

===============

A man was recovering from surgery when
a recent UNC* grad in a new job as a charity
representative phoned asking him to take
part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," he replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the UNC grad kept trying to
convince him to change his mind and volunteer.

The man interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated.
Do you know what that means?"

________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

===============

On March 27, 1964, North America's strongest recorded
earthquake, with a moment magnitude of 9.2, rocked central
including 1,000 that measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale.
Of the ten strongest earthquakes ever recorded in the world,

===============

Dear Howdy,

My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost
\$7.00 in dog money.

Joe W.

===============

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a UNC
grad who is a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices
that the grad  is just standing there, doing nothing. The man gets
out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"Well...I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field."

===============

Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
listed at the bottom of this newsletter.

1. effrontery       A. Sharp, biting, or acid
2. machination   B. Thoroughgoing; downright
3. imprimatur      C. Familiar talk
4. acerbic            D. The act of plotting
5. rumpus            E. A large lump or chunk or something
6. confabulation F. Approval; sanction
7. skedaddle       G. An outcry or noisy disturbance
8. arrant              H. Insulting presumptuousness
9. wodge              I. A thicket or grove of small trees
10. copse            J. To run away quickly

===============

A UNC student had a near death experience when she went
horseback riding the other day. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control.

She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head
first to the ground.

Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
the Walmart manager happened to walk by and unplug the ride.

===============

===============

Living Dreams - - These words come from a man
who was a sailor, janitor, songwriter, teacher, author
and poet. How many of these words  do you know?

1. contempt (n.) - A: skepticism. B: anger. C: judgment.
D: scorn.

2. melodramatic (adj.) - A: musical. B: evil. C: comic.
D: overly theatrical.

3. renaissance (n.) - A: new information. B: fluency of
expression. C: deterioration. D: rebirth.

4. innuendo (n.) - A: secrecy. B: unpleasant insinuation.
C: funny remark. D: quiet explanation.

D: willful.

6. vespers (n.) - A: dizziness. B: evening prayer. C: form
of poetry. D: chorale.

D: meaningful.

8. personage (n.) - one who is A: inconspicuous. B: reli-
gious. C: sophisticated. D: important.

9. scintillating (adj.) - A: bitterly sarcastic. B: brill-
iantly clever. C: fragile. D: unpredictable.

10. pretension (n.) - A: insolent behavior. B: insupportable
claim. C: undisputed right. D: extreme selfishness.

11. rollicking (adj.) - A: upsetting. B: pensive. C: light-
hearted. D: mischievous.

12. dialect (n.) - A: local language. B: interrogation.
C: conversation. D: systematic reasoning.

13. solicitude (n.) - A: concern. B: peacefulness.
C: seclusion. D: request.

14. amulet (n.) - A: small ambulance. B: charm. C: jewel.
D: bottle.

15. patronage (n.) - A: collaboration. B: entitlement pro-

16. grandiloquent (adj.) - A: spacious. B: light. C: glamor-
ous. D: pompous.

17. millennium (n.) - A: suffering. B: period of joy.
C: great flood. D: eternity.

18. literati (n.) - A: intellectuals. B: those who put on
airs. C: pampered group. D: the literal-minded.

19. impromptu (adj.) - A: rigid. B: uninhibited. C: impro-
vised. D: changeable.

20. concoct (v.) - A: to make a show of. B: outline.
C: invent. D: deceive.

===============

'Thought & Humor' has been  read in all 50 States,
70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
& all major American Universities including UNC!!!

===============

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds
a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

===============

If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!

Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
slip stealthily past our editor.  We have a very strict policy forbidding
posting of any political material in this section.  If your copy contains
edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.

Dear Howdy,

I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much
of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.

Craig S.

+++

Howdy, I enjoy reading "Howdy."  I especially appreciate the
unashamed presentation of the gospel.  I am a 56-year-old
Baptist minister in Tennessee.  I am blind and use a screen
reading software package, so I just sit back, turn the speaker
volume up a little, increase the reading speed up to around 200
words per minute, and enjoy the new issue.  I sometimes have
to go back and slow down the reading speed to check out something.

May God bless you as you minister in such an enjoyable way.

Charles

+++

Dear Howdy,

Someone -- I don't know who -- subscribed me to this and I have been trying
your prescibed way of unsubscribing for some time.  It doesn't seem to work.

If you're going to use the funnies to import partisan politics, perhaps you
should consider broader respresentation -- some things that take seriously
that there is more than one way to look at matters, even from a Christian
perspective.  I send along something wildly "liberal" just to make your
eyeballs pop.  You don't have to agree. In fact you're free to publish it
with your usual derisive digs -- always given with a wink and a smile!
Entertain for only a moment that while you and George W. surely have between
you unconcealed nearly all the truth, there may still be a few unexplored
corners.

The troops were being taught to jump from a plane.
"What if my parchute doesn't open?" asked one rookie.
"That," said the instructor, "is known a jumping to a conclusion."

Blessings and thank the Lord that the faith is large,
Carleton Bakkum  (grace church yorktown)

+

Dear Carleton,

Very sorry that you are had a somewhat onerous time unsubscribing but
was happy to do this for you. I think what you're asking for is equal time
and CBS, ABC, NBC & CNN are more than happy to be "transcribers"
for the Democratic Party & the John Kerry Campaign. Ask them! They
provide the "broader" or capacious representation that you are looking
for (as long as it agrees with their orientation).

(see below: "FOUR THINGS" that is included in every issue). Truth
is always incapacious. One doesn't visit an auto mechanic when brain
surgery is needed even though this would be a bigoted, narrow, and
discriminatory decision when viewed by Kerry, Rather & other liberals
when applied in the same manner as they use against the President....

Howdy

+++

Dear Howdy,

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant
and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with
different expressions of horror.

Rita R.

+++

Dear Howdy,

Here's one for you:

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and
asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure. Why  not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer,  connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs
to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a
GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite  that scans the area in an ultra-high-
resolution photo.  The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and  exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL  database through an
ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with  hundreds of
complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email
on his  Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on
his hi-tech,  miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and  says, "You have
exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals
and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
me back my calf?"

The young man  thinks about it for a second and
then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
up here even  though nobody called you; you want to get

.......Now give me back my dog.

Brenda

+++

Hi Howdy,

Wondering why my niece was returning to
UNC to get a masters in philosophy, I
asked "What can you do with a degree like
that?"

"Well," she explained "It will qualify me to
deal with questions like  'What  is existence?'
What is the essence of things.' and  'Do you
want fries with that?"

Lorraine

+++

Dear Howdy,

An invisible man married an invisible woman.
They had children.  They weren't much to look at either.

KEN WOLTMAN

+++
Dear Howdy,

Hey! I found a really cool site yesterday that shows you how
to make the ultimate paper airplane. Be prepared to spend
are a little complicated...but it flies really well. Oh, and
try not to do it while you're sitting at your desk at work.
I was goofing around with it this morning and the boss
happened to come up behind me and look over my shoulder.

Anyway...check it out here if you're interested:

Joe

+++

Dear Howdy,
```You do great work, Howdy!

Go Blue!

Kim C.
Professor, Organizational Behavior, School of Business
and Professor, Higher Education, School of Education
University of Michigan```
+++

Howdy,

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased;
sometimes it gets replaced.

John P.

+++

Dear Howdy,

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are
52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are
off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per
year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll
be John Brown if you are going to take that day off!

The Board

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