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Zen Wisdom

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  • strangerangers1
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
    Message 1 of 3 , Aug 3, 2005
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      1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

      Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

      Do not walk beside me either.

      Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.



      2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
      and a leaky tire.





      3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
      your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



      4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
      promoted.





      5. No one is listening until you fart.





      6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.





      7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.





      8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
      of car payments.





      9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
      shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
      have their shoes.






      10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.





      11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

      Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
      day.





      12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
      probably worth it.






      13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

      14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.





      15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.





      16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
      comes from bad judgment.





      17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
      and put it back in your pocket.





      18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.





      19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
      side, and it holds the universe together.





      20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
      works.





      21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
      are moving.






      22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
      need it.





      23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.





      24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
      butt. Then things get worse.





      25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
      laxative on the same night.





      26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."





      27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
      too seriously.





      28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
      to make a big deal about your birthday ...around age 11.


      29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    • Donna Gore
      I would amend the first one to say Do not walk behind me, for I may have had chili for lunch.
      Message 2 of 3 , Aug 4, 2005
      • 0 Attachment
        I would amend the first one to say
        Do not walk behind me, for I may have had chili for lunch.


        --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "strangerangers1" <paulstoneman@p...>
        wrote:
        > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
        >
        > Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
        >
        > Do not walk beside me either.
        >
        > Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
        >
        >
        >
        > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
        > and a leaky tire.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
        > your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
        >
        >
        >
        > 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
        > promoted.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 5. No one is listening until you fart.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
        > of car payments.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
        > shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
        > have their shoes.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
        >
        > Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
        > day.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
        > probably worth it.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
        >
        > 14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
        > comes from bad judgment.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
        > and put it back in your pocket.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
        > side, and it holds the universe together.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
        > works.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
        > are moving.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
        > need it.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
        > butt. Then things get worse.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
        > laxative on the same night.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
        > too seriously.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > 28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
        > to make a big deal about your birthday ...around age 11.
        >
        >
        > 29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
      • paul stoneman
        Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a
        Message 3 of 3 , Aug 4, 2005
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          Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank
          "Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
          Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it
          Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
          to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
          wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the
          chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
          beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens
          you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by
          all."


          Here are the scorecards from the event:
          Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
          JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
          JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
          FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
          your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
          the worst one. These people are crazy.
          Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
          JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
          JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
          FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
          to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
          the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The
          barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
          irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started
          to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I
          will NOT pick a fight with her.
          hiliC # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
          JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
          JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
          FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?!
          uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
          the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
          wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
          of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
          they call her "Forklift."
          Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
          JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
          JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
          mild foods, not much of a chili.
          FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it
          Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
          over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled
          ... it's kinda cute.
          Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
          JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
          considerable kick. Very impressive.
          JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
          cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
          FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and
          four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
          when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
          tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
          that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
          Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
          JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
          peppers.
          JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
          Superb.
          FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
          one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to
          go dancing later.
          Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
          JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
          JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
          the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he
          appears to be in a bit of distress.
          FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
          wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like
          it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
          unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
          killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I
          m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it
          s too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
          let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell
          them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
          Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
          JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
          Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
          the chili pot on top of himself.
          JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
          too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
          FRANK: Mommy??!!

          -------Original Message-------

          From: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
          Date: 08/04/05 19:23:49
          To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
          Subject: [FT-HUMOR] Re: Zen Wisdom

          I would amend the first one to say
          Do not walk behind me, for I may have had chili for lunch.

          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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