How To Treat Your Inferior Mate
Men often say to me, "I know my mate is inferior, but how can I
treat her as such?" When first posed with this question I laughed at
how stupid it was, since treating my many mates (classic
alliteration) poorly was something that came so naturally to me. But
as I was asked time and time again, I began realize that most guys
are not blessed with the gift of degradation. In light of that, I
have decided to offer some helpful hints to all the tripods out
there that are not pulling their weight in this male dominated
world. Now, there are a myriad ways to put your sexual property in
her place. The possibilities are literally endless. I have provided
just a few examples below, but they should be enough to get you well
on your way to walking all over that special little girl of yours.
Choose drinking with your friends over quality time with her on a
regular basis. It is imperative that this precedent is set very
early in the relationship. Putting her second is a sure-fire way of
instilling a deep-seated feeling of inferiority. She will feel this
the most when you come home drunk, laughing with glee, and ask her
how her night was. As a night of solitude, reading Cosmo and
watching Lifetime, pops out of her short-term memory, her self-
esteem will plummet and as a result she will do anything to feel
appreciated. That's when you nail her. I normally go for powerful
sex with no passion, but that's just me.
Mid-day, February 14th, announce to your lover with pride that you
will not be participating in Valentines Day anymore. Allow for a
dramatic pause and enjoy the look of shock/confusion/sadness on her
face. Then simply explain that it is a stupid money making scheme
invented by Hallmark that is designed to get you in a spending war
with the boyfriend down the street. If this is too strong for your
tastes (i.e. you have no sack) then you can follow up with something
like "Wouldn't it be more special if I showed you that I loved you
on an unexpected day?" Though, there is merit to your argument, this
is still a dick move and she'll feel it in the bottom of her heart.
After accepting your decision, she may insist on giving you a gift
regardless either out of principle or in a futile effort to make you
feel guilty. In response, give her a tube of KY jelly. Then nail her.
Cheat on her and get caught while you're at it. This will make any
girl feel like an ineffectual little nothing in your life. There are
two (2) options available to you at this point. The first is summed
up in one simple phrase, "Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse."
Even if she catches you in the act, never admit to anything. If she
starts to back you in a corner, accuse her of sleeping with her male
tennis partner. Once you got her on the defensive, keep pushing
until she gives up or apologizes for what she has done "wrong".
Afterwards, consider nailing her. The second option is to say
something like, "Hey, look at the bright side. At least I'm not
sleeping with your friends." This option doesn't really accomplish
anything; it is just ironically hilarious because you have been
nailing her friends for months.
Let's summarized what you've learned:
1. Remember to put her second.
2. Just say no to Valentine's Day.
3. Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse.
If your mind is not reeling with a maelstrom of heartless ideas by
now, then you either have the intelligence of a strap-on or are an
incendiary homosexual. If the former is true then you should
concentrate on things like eating without hurting yourself. If the
latter is true then
good luck with all THAT.