My living will.
LIVING WILL FORM
I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive
indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be
put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or
lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check
appropriate items): a Martini ______, a Margarita ______, a Scotch and soda
______, a Bloody Mary______, a beer ______, a Gin and Tonic _______, a Glass
of Chardonnay ______, a Steak ______, Lobster or crab legs ______, the TV
remote control ______, a bowl of ice cream ______, the sports page______,
Sex______, or Chocolate_______, it should be presumed that I won't ever get
any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the
tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans
Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of
my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had or
P.S. I hear that in Ireland there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients
are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need
embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy
place, PLEASE pass it on.
Should I become incapacitated as described above, DO NOT PULL THE PLUG until
after I have voted by absentee ballot in the November 2012 election.
If the plug has been pulled in violation of #1 above, transport my body to Chicago so I can still vote.