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Re: New Member - Pedophile prophets

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  • donnajgore
    Speaking of child molesters, someone posted this quote by Aristotle upon the rearing of children rests the fate of empires - Aristotle and my immediate
    Message 1 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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      Speaking of child molesters, someone posted this quote by Aristotle
      "upon the rearing of children rests the fate of empires" - Aristotle"

      and my immediate reaction was,
      TOO BAD THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TOOK IT LITERALLY.
    • donnajgore
      ... They SAY they believe in Heaven but they ll do anything and everything to postpone THAT trip. I don t think they believe their own crap because the
      Message 2 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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        --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, NoGoodGods@... wrote:

        > I don't understand Christians.
        > They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being
        > a heaven.


        They SAY they believe in "Heaven" but they'll do anything and everything to postpone THAT trip. I don't think they believe their own crap because the behavior indicates otherwise. If you really truly believe that your beloved Grandma is up there in paradise with Jesus, then you would be dancing with joy, instead of weeping.

        Don't even get me started on the Christian hypocrisy. They LOVE LOVE LOVE the babies, but they disapprove of the way those babies are made.
      • tigerfan158@gmail.com
        What if Granny is down in Hell, drinking beer, smoking joints, and jumping demons like a rabbit in Montanna? ... From: donnajgore To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
        Message 3 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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          What if Granny is down in Hell, drinking beer, smoking joints, and jumping demons like a rabbit in Montanna?
           
          :-)  Gator
          ----- Original Message -----
          Sent: Monday, August 16, 2010 7:37 PM
          Subject: [FT-HUMOR] Re: New Member

           



          --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, NoGoodGods@... wrote:

          > I don't understand Christians.
          > They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being
          > a heaven.


          They SAY they believe in "Heaven" but they'll do anything and everything to postpone THAT trip. I don't think they believe their own crap because the behavior indicates otherwise. If you really truly believe that your beloved Grandma is up there in paradise with Jesus, then you would be dancing with joy, instead of weeping.

          Don't even get me started on the Christian hypocrisy. They LOVE LOVE LOVE the babies, but they disapprove of the way those babies are made.

        • Mr.Natural
          And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the God of Love , has sent trillions of people to writhing agony in a flaming lake. Harry Potter
          Message 4 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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            And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the "God of Love", has sent trillions of people to writhing agony in a flaming lake.  Harry Potter or what?

            On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 7:37 PM, donnajgore <donnajgore@...> wrote:
             



            --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, NoGoodGods@... wrote:

            > I don't understand Christians.
            > They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being
            > a heaven.


            They SAY they believe in "Heaven" but they'll do anything and everything to postpone THAT trip. I don't think they believe their own crap because the behavior indicates otherwise. If you really truly believe that your beloved Grandma is up there in paradise with Jesus, then you would be dancing with joy, instead of weeping.

            Don't even get me started on the Christian hypocrisy. They LOVE LOVE LOVE the babies, but they disapprove of the way those babies are made.


          • Mr.Natural
            I was considering starting a baby sitting service staffed entirely by priests. Of course it would be for boys only. I thought I d call it, The Morning Wood
            Message 5 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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              I was considering starting a baby sitting service staffed entirely by priests.  Of course it would be for boys only.  I thought I'd call it,  "The Morning Wood Service For Boys."

              On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 7:32 PM, donnajgore <donnajgore@...> wrote:
               

              Speaking of child molesters, someone posted this quote by Aristotle
              "upon the rearing of children rests the fate of empires" - Aristotle"

              and my immediate reaction was,
              TOO BAD THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TOOK IT LITERALLY.


            • NoGoodGods@aol.com
              _natural.mr642@gmail.com_ (mailto:natural.mr642@gmail.com) writes: And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the God of Love , has sent
              Message 6 of 28 , Aug 16, 2010
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                And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the "God of Love", has sent trillions of people to writhing agony in a flaming lake.  Harry Potter or what?

                        I find referring to christianity as "The cult of the talking snake" annoys them nearly as much as referring to their messiah as "The bastard Nazarine chippie". Touchy lot ain't they ?
                 
                If you believe in creation as proposed in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the Earth to have become populated.
                This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

              • Mr.Natural
                Same thing with Noah. First, that ark had to stink to high heaven. Can you imagine living with donkeys and elephants and monkeys in a close space on a hot
                Message 7 of 28 , Aug 17, 2010
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                  Same thing with Noah.  First,  that ark had to stink to high heaven.  Can you imagine living with donkeys and elephants and monkeys in a close space on a hot humid day?  Also,  like you said about Adam and Eve,  after the water went away the only way to repopulate humanity would be for Noah and his family to do the bone dance together.  Man, incest is all over the bible.  (Didn't Lot or somebody lay with his daughters?)   I just can't believe so many people take that ridiculous book as holy and sacrosanct.  My friends ask me,  "Paul, why do you drink so much?"

                  On Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 1:43 AM, <NoGoodGods@...> wrote:
                   

                   
                   

                  And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the "God of Love", has sent trillions of people to writhing agony in a flaming lake.  Harry Potter or what?

                          I find referring to christianity as "The cult of the talking snake" annoys them nearly as much as referring to their messiah as "The bastard Nazarine chippie". Touchy lot ain't they ?
                   
                  If you believe in creation as proposed in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the Earth to have become populated.
                  This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.


                • Deborah Paar
                  Hey, come on!  They ll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing neighbors that surely
                  Message 8 of 28 , Aug 21, 2010
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                    Hey, come on!  They'll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing neighbors that surely their sons took wives from.  The whole thing is so apologist & erroneous that it's hard to ignore the blatantly selfish nature of those who choose to make themselves believe it.
                     
                    Keep on truckin'!  :-D

                    --- On Tue, 8/17/10, Mr.Natural <natural.mr642@...> wrote:

                    From: Mr.Natural <natural.mr642@...>
                    Subject: Re: [FT-HUMOR] Re: New Member
                    To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
                    Date: Tuesday, August 17, 2010, 3:16 PM



                    Same thing with Noah.  First,  that ark had to stink to high heaven.  Can you imagine living with donkeys and elephants and monkeys in a close space on a hot humid day?  Also,  like you said about Adam and Eve,  after the water went away the only way to repopulate humanity would be for Noah and his family to do the bone dance together.  Man, incest is all over the bible.  (Didn't Lot or somebody lay with his daughters?)   I just can't believe so many people take that ridiculous book as holy and sacrosanct.  My friends ask me,  "Paul, why do you drink so much?"

                    On Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 1:43 AM, <NoGoodGods@...> wrote:
                     
                     
                     
                    And because a woman had a conversation with a talking snake, the "God of Love", has sent trillions of people to writhing agony in a flaming lake.  Harry Potter or what?
                            I find referring to christianity as "The cult of the talking snake" annoys them nearly as much as referring to their messiah as "The bastard Nazarine chippie". Touchy lot ain't they ?
                     
                    If you believe in creation as proposed in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the Earth to have become populated.
                    This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.





                  • NoGoodGods@aol.com
                    dp55322@yahoo.com writes: Hey, come on! They ll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing
                    Message 9 of 28 , Aug 22, 2010
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                       dp55322@... writes:
                      Hey, come on!  They'll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing neighbors that surely their sons took wives from.  The whole thing is so apologist & erroneous that it's hard to ignore the blatantly selfish nature of those who choose to make themselves believe it.
                               Not the way i see it really, but i am English. The religious here are either deeply indoctrinated, or suffering from mental illness. Most of us grow out of the mild school indoctrination when we are about twelve, if not before. Anyone who reaches puberty, without shedding the infection, is considered "odd". Anyone who "achieves" within the infection is regarded as corrupt and / or stupid. I think we have it pretty much right.
                       
                      There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
                    • Deborah Paar
                      I couldn t agree more, and it s nice to hear that not every place in the world is as effed up as America in that respect!  Keep em coming! ... From:
                      Message 10 of 28 , Aug 22, 2010
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                        I couldn't agree more, and it's nice to hear that not every place in the world is as effed up as America in that respect!  Keep 'em coming!

                        --- On Sun, 8/22/10, NoGoodGods@... <NoGoodGods@...> wrote:

                        From: NoGoodGods@... <NoGoodGods@...>
                        Subject: Re: [FT-HUMOR] Re: New Member
                        To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
                        Date: Sunday, August 22, 2010, 1:06 PM



                         
                         
                         dp55322@... writes:
                        Hey, come on!  They'll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing neighbors that surely their sons took wives from.  The whole thing is so apologist & erroneous that it's hard to ignore the blatantly selfish nature of those who choose to make themselves believe it.
                                 Not the way i see it really, but i am English. The religious here are either deeply indoctrinated, or suffering from mental illness. Most of us grow out of the mild school indoctrination when we are about twelve, if not before. Anyone who reaches puberty, without shedding the infection, is considered "odd". Anyone who "achieves" within the infection is regarded as corrupt and / or stupid. I think we have it pretty much right.
                         
                        There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.



                      • Mr.Natural
                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TQo2D4RtDY&feature=related
                        Message 11 of 28 , Aug 22, 2010
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                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TQo2D4RtDY&feature=related

                          On Sun, Aug 22, 2010 at 9:06 AM, <NoGoodGods@...> wrote:
                           

                           
                           
                           dp55322@... writes:
                          Hey, come on!  They'll tell you that Adam & Eve were created as the first man & woman on Earth, but also that they had pre-existing neighbors that surely their sons took wives from.  The whole thing is so apologist & erroneous that it's hard to ignore the blatantly selfish nature of those who choose to make themselves believe it.
                                   Not the way i see it really, but i am English. The religious here are either deeply indoctrinated, or suffering from mental illness. Most of us grow out of the mild school indoctrination when we are about twelve, if not before. Anyone who reaches puberty, without shedding the infection, is considered "odd". Anyone who "achieves" within the infection is regarded as corrupt and / or stupid. I think we have it pretty much right.
                           
                          There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.

                        • tigerfan158@gmail.com
                          Here is one of my stories about the Garden of Eden which I wrote a few years ago. Enjoy the parody - or perhaps it is factual? In The Beginning: The Early
                          Message 12 of 28 , Aug 23, 2010
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                            Here is one of my stories about the Garden of Eden which I wrote a few years ago.  Enjoy the parody - or perhaps it is factual?
                             
                             

                            In The Beginning: The Early Years of Human beings

                            By T. Scharrer Copyright ©  2004   

                                 In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. The creation was completed using a secret energy to matter conversion, patented by God. God continues to hold the rights and has not shared them with anyone. The beginning of God himself shall remain an enigma. It has been said the divine deity is energy itself. Others believe he looks like a man with all the characteristics of a male. Since we do not have a good source of information about the beginnings of the Almighty, no further description will be given. Perhaps it is the greatest paradox ever considered and we should not inquire about the matter.

                                 Creation may have taken billions, millions, or just a few thousand years; depending on what expert with whom you talk. Clearly, God failed to keep accurate timekeeping. Perhaps God used a creation program that only recorded the last two digits of a year, similar to a faulted system developed and used by our coexisting Microsoft God. Both Gods are evasive and dislike being questioned or interrogated.

                                 In the beginning, God created all living plants on the earth. After discovering the entire planet became choked with trees, weeds, and undergrowth, the Almighty found it necessary to get rid of the excess vegetation. He created living creatures, both in the sea and on dry land to consume the dense vegetation. This idea didn’t work as God had planned. The animals excreted dung, which fertilized the plants and eventually only served to make them grow faster and larger.

                                 The first animals God created were dinosaurs. These huge beasts had little regard for the plant life and smashed down the grass as they waked through the fields and woodlands. God decided to create the ice age to destroy the dinosaurs. He considered them a failure. The huge slow moving mass of ice would scrape off some of the excess vegetation on the earth. The only evidence we have that dinosaurs existed are fossilized bones. After seeing the dinosaur was a washout, the Supreme deity created man, whom he knew would have a real affect on lowering the plant and animal population of the Earth. Eventually man would cause more ecological problems than creating all the dinosaurs and other animals and fish. Adam became the first human being. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and become the caretaker.

                                 Since Adam ran through the woods naked, one begins to wonder when God created the mosquitoes and other insects. After all, they are the food for many birds and reptiles. One morning, as Adam was swatting mosquitoes, God spoke. "Adam, I am getting tired of this creation balderdash and plan to take a vacation and rest. Meanwhile, would you give names to each of the animal species, birds, and fishes? I didn’t have time to name all the plants either, so why don’t you also name them for me. Also, be my groundskeeper and clean up this place."

                                 Adam, who must have been created with a language program already installed, replied: "Yuppers, okay God."

                                 Adam started walking around behind all the animals, giving them names. Nevertheless, being the only human on the Earth, it was a senseless duty.  After all, Adam could neither read nor write, so he had to commit every name to memory. Adam was lonely. Here he was, sitting around naked all-day long, scratching his bug bites, eating fruit, and memorizing “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse, etc”. God commanded Adam to eat nothing but the vegetation and fruit found in the garden. He was forbidden to consume meat. The constant eating of fruit gave Adam chronic shits and canker sores in his mouth. One is not to question the orders of God.

                                 Jehovah looked down from Heaven and saw that Adam was lonely. Jehovah began to reason why he created Adam. God thought; I created Adam as a male. Why did I do that? That is right, it was because he was created in my image and I am a male! I must select a companion for Adam, and since he is a male, it must be a female.

                                 God looked at all the female animals of Earth to see if there was a suitable companion for Adam. The dog was loyal but proved unsuitable nor was she desirable to Adam as a mate. The cow, horse and the elephant was too big. The sheep was…….well Adam did take a real liking to the sheep, but a long-term relationship would never work between the two. So the sheep was removed as a lifetime companion for Adam. God made Adam fall into a deep coma. He removed one of Adam’s ribs and formed it into a female counterpart. He called the female; the Woman.

                                 God said, "Hey Adam, wake up! I have a woman for you."

                                 Adam awoke and said; "God, what’s a woman?"

                                 "Haven’t you been watching the animals, Adam? Remember the two dogs you laughed at when you thought they were stuck together? Remember a few weeks later the female dog gave birth to puppies?  Well, that is what a woman is for! I want you to multiply and fill the Earth, and subdue it."

                                 Adam looked at God and replied. "So you want the human woman to have puppies?"

                                 "No Adam, you just don’t get it, do you. The woman has been created out of your body so you can have her as your companion. You and she will eventually reproduce and have children."

                                 "But God, why go through all that trouble when you can just create more humans anyway?"

                                 "That is a question you are not supposed to ask, Adam. Just take the woman and show her around the Garden. Explain about all the life-forms to her and teach her my commandments."

                                 "Okay, God. But, I’m sure apprehensive. I hope this woman will not cause any trouble for me."

                                 Therefore, Adam took the woman with no name and showed her the garden. He pointed out the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He pointed out the huge nut trees, fruit trees, and all the green vegetation growing in the garden. The woman continued to listen to Adam. The woman was curious and amazed how Adam could point without using either hand. That is another story.

                                 One day the woman was walking alone among the trees of the Garden. We do not know where Adam was, the Bible does not say. He may have been sitting in front of the television set watching WWC Wrestling or a football game while sucking up a beer. Whatever the reason, Adam was nowhere to be found. We know a woman cannot think clearly without her man, so as the story progresses, it seems she is going to get into trouble.

                                 The woman is enjoying her morning constitutional stroll. While walking past an Orange tree she abruptly comes to a sudden stop. Her eyes are directed to the middle of the Garden where she sees a huge banana tree. Within the branches of the tree, there is a huge, long, snake with a large head. The snake looks back at the woman and says, "Hi woman, what be happening’ babe? What be a cool chick like you doing wandering through my hood?"

                                 The woman looked back at the serpent and said; "Hot damn, a talking snake!  I’m just taking a stroll thorough the trees and found this neat looking yellow fruit hanging here. I’m hungry. I don't feel like fixing supper tonight, and McDonalds has yet to start opening restaurants. But Adam said I was not to eat anything from this tree."

                                 "Hey babe, what does that dumbbell know anyway? You have to wonder about a man who goes around saying “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse” repeatedly all the time. He has some serious psychological problems. By the way, babe, what is your name?

                                 "I am the Woman."

                                 "Okay, I can see that because you are naked and have boobs, but what is your name?"

                                 "I don’t have one. God called me the Woman, and now Adam calls me the Woman. He hasn’t gotten around to giving me a name. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a name. I was created to be Adam’s wench and companion. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I predict in about six thousand years, females will be shouting from the rooftops, "I AM WOMAN" and we will exercise our constitutional rights."

                                 "Look at me, I am just a talking snake but at least I have a name. Here, have a banana.”

                                 "What?"

                                 "You know, eat some of the fruit from this tree, it tastes good."

                                 The talking snake plucks a ripe banana from the tree with his fangs and puts it in the hand of the woman. She looks at it admiringly, and with a smile on her face, peels back the covering and takes a big bite.

                                 "Not bad. I think Adam would like one of these. I must take a banana to him. I must find him, so, I’ll see you around, Mr. Snake." Eve plucks another banana off the tree, and carries it with her. Being naked, she did not have a pocket to put it into. The talking snake just smiles, creeps down the tree and slithers into a hole on the thirteenth green on the way to the clubhouse.

                                 "Adam, where are you? I have something for you." The woman walks through a large meadow filled with flowers. She finds her beloved Adam sitting in a garden of poppies and smelling them with great eagerness. Adam’s face is all smiles and his eyes are dilated. 

                                 "Where yah been, woman? I found a great smelling flower that makes me feel like I could float higher than an elephant’s trunk. For a while, I just sniffed a poppy and recited all the animals’ names that I knew. Sniffed another poppy and repeated it. I think I just invented the mantra! How about coming over here and sitting down with me and having a great big sniff?"

                                 "Not right now, Adam, maybe later. Perhaps we can find someway to get that fluffy smell out of the poppy and grind it into a powder. Anyway, for now would you like to taste a banana? It’s a great fruit given to me by a talking snake. Did yah know snakes could talk, Adam? I bet God didn’t tell you they could, did he? It was a big surprise to me to when I saw him hanging in that tree like a fire hose. Here let me peel back the fruit for you and take a bite."

                                 Therefore, Adam took the fruit and ate it. He looked at the woman and said; "Woman, you are a mighty fine looking babe! Did you realize we are both naked, in a beautiful garden, with soft moss on the ground, smelling poppies, and I’m going crazy?"

                                 Adam was about to do the “puppy-making act” when he heard God walking in the Garden. Being huge in stature, God made plenty of noise when he walked. All the little animals fled in fear of being squashed into pepperoni and getting stuck on the bottoms of his Almighty feet.

                                 Adam and the woman ran into the bushes (no, not to do that!) and gathered fig leaves which they wrapped around their bodies. Finally, they appeared before God, and God was pissed!

                                 "Adam, I say ADAM. Did you and the woman eat a banana?" Adam bowed his head in shame and said; "Yes God, the woman you gave me, gave the fruit to me and I did eat it."

                                 God said; "Woman, is this true?” (Now dear reader, if God is all knowing why is he asking this rhetorical question?)

                                 The woman looked at God and asked; "Why don’t I have a name like ever other animal in the Garden?"

                                 "Don’t answer a question with a question, woman. Besides, your main purpose is to be breeding stock for Adam. If he wants to give you a name, then it is up to him to do so. Answer my question. Did you give Adam a banana?"

                                 "Yes, God. A talking snake said I would like it, and he right! Why didn’t you tell us that snakes could talk?"

                                 "Woman, you ask too many questions. Why, why, why, is why the only word you know? Because both you and Adam have disobeyed me and ate a banana, I shall ban you from the Garden forever. You will have agonizing pain while giving birth to puppies, I mean children, and thorns will prick your feet and cause more pain. I will also curse your children and they will live in misery and die because of the bananas you have eaten. I will give your descendents the gift of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, bad teeth, prostrate problems, and all miserable death causing plagues. That will teach you to eat a banana. Now, pack your bags and leave my home."

                                 "But God doesn’t that sound a little harsh just for eating a banana? Did you not create all things and call them good? Besides, we don’t have any bags. There is no need to pack our fig leaves; we only have one set anyway." Replied the woman.

                                 "There you go asking questions again, woman. I shall create a new word for you, and it shall be called "Nag." You shall nag your husband the rest of his days. Now get the hell out of my Garden!"

                                 Therefore, Adam and the woman turned from God and walked out of the Garden of Eden. Just as they were leaving, God beamed down a couple of angels who were posted as guards to keep them out of Paradise. The Angels had Excalibur broadswords and were constantly swinging them in motion. The woman knew if she got too close, she would be sliced into hashed meat. She had a destiny to fulfill and knew the Garden was no longer to be part of it.

                                 Adam said, "God is mad about his bananas. You would have been better-off if you had shoved those bananas up that talking snake’s vent. If you ever see him again, woman, just point him out to me. Do you know something, woman? I am going to miss those poppies. These figs leaves are chafing my groin." This was the first time Adam became aware of jock itch.

                                 The woman said nothing. She spoke to Adam with a stern voice; "Isn’t it time you gave me a name? Don’t let this blond hair fool you; I know you could name me if you wanted to. I heard you call that sheep friend of yours "Sweetie" and yet you still refer to me as "the Woman." Since God said I nag you, it starts now, you butthead."

                                 "You aren’t just a woman, you are an evil woman. Hey, that’s it! I will give you the name ‘Evil’. From now one you shall be called Eve for short. Let’s see now, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve. I have to remember that. I wonder why don’t we have last names? Why don’t we have belly buttons? This is getting much too complicated."

                                 Adam and Eve built a shack outside the Garden. It was not much of a place, but it was home. In truth, it was only some cardboard laid over some pieces of used plastic pipe they found in the local junkyard. Since it did not rain, the cardboard would last a longtime. They knew God would not kick them out of this home. The Almighty ignored and shunned them since they were reprimanded for eating bananas.

                                 One hot evening after Adam got home to his shack, Eve put her arms around him and he discovered the truth about his pointing tool. They made love on the dirt floor of the shack. Eve became pregnant and had a puppy. Nah, I mean she gave birth to a son and named him Cain.

                                 Some months later Adam and Eve had another hot steamy evening of “tool time” and she became pregnant again. This time Able was born. Neither son was given a last name.

                                 Adam and Eve gave up their religious philosophy, no longer feeling dependent on God. After all, God had rejected them because of his precious banana tree. They never saw the talking snake again. 

                                 Cain and Able both loved God for whatever strange reason. Cain became a vegetable farmer and Able raised sheep and goats. Adam wandered around looking for poppy flowers but never found them growing outside the Garden. The poppies were created for pleasure, and God was keeping them inside the Garden of Eden for himself. He did not want Adam to enjoy himself. Putting up with Eve should have been enough punishment for eating a banana. Eve continued to have children by Adam.  Eve continued to nag and bitch at Adam, following the instructions given to her from Jehovah God in the Garden of Eden.

                                 Cain and Able grew into strong young men and decided to make an offering to Jehovah. Cain gathered some of his finest string beans, carrots, and lentils putting them in a plastic pail to be poured out on the alter he built to honor God. Able killed his finest and best sheep (this disturbed his father, Adam who had named this special sheep "Sweetie") and put it on an alter of stone he had built which was similar to his brother’s alter.

                                 God, who had been quiet since removing Adam and the Woman from the Garden, looked down at the offerings of Cain and Able.

                                 "Cain," said God; "You offer me a pot of green beans and lentils. What sacrifice is that? I am not a vegetarian. I love meat and blood. Look to your brother Able as an example for you to follow. He has murdered his finest sheep, and is now pouring out its lifeblood on the rock altar. He is a man after my own heart. The smell of burned animal fat and blood is a pleasing scent to my huge nostrils."

                                 God blessed Able and rejected Cain’s vegetable soup.

                                 Cain was angry over the whole matter. His sacrifice did not involve murdering an animal, nor did he see the value of spreading blood over a rock. How was he to know God loved cooked animal fat and blood? Didn’t he command all humanity to be vegetarians? Cain became confused. So confused, that he took out his anger against his brother.

                                 Able was an avid deer hunter who poached out of season. Can saw his brother bending over, dressing out a deer he killed. Cain quietly crept up behind him. Able stood up with a handful of deer entrails just in time to see his brother swing a baseball bat at him. Able felt his head crack like a ball headed for the outfield stands. The last sight Able would see was the major league logo stamped on the bat as it smashed into his face.

                                 "If God wants a blood sacrifice," screamed Cain, "then here is one for him!" Able fell to the ground beside the dead 8-point buck. His life’s blood began to flow over a huge rock. The first murder of a human by another human being just occurred.

                                 Cain took his brother’s body and threw it in a large crevice in a hill near the junkyard behind the shack of his parents. One cannot hide from God, even if He is on a sabbatical rest period.

                                 "Cain" cried the voice of God, "where is your brother Able?"

                                 "I offered him to you as a blood sacrifice, God. You should be pleased! Is there a problem?"

                                 "Yes, you killed your brother and his blood cries out to me."

                                 "I thought you liked blood sacrifice, at least you accepted the one given by Able. It seems we never do anything right for you."

                                 "You have committed a great sin, Cain. For that, you shall be marked and sent to a foreign land to live. There you will become a great nation. The mark will keep others from killing you."

                                 "I have a question, God. If my mom and dad and a couple of my sisters are the only people on the earth, why are you putting a mark on my forehead to protect me from strangers? If we are the only humans on the earth, there are no strangers. How can there be a foreign land if we are the only people in existence? Besides, if I committed murder, why will I be rewarded by becoming a great nation?"

                                 "Cain, Cain, Cain, what am I going to do with you. Why do you ask me questions that are unanswerable? You are like your mom and dad, asking several ridiculous questions when I removed them from the Garden. Just be on your way and shut up."

                                 "Okay, God. But how will I become a great nation when I do not have a wife?"

                                 "Take one of your sisters as a wife and leave the shack. You will father many children with her and become a great nation."

                                 "But, God, sir…how can I do the wild thing with my own sister? Isn’t that incest? Wouldn’t I be committing a great sin? What would mom and dad say if they knew I was bopping my own sister?"

                                 "We will not record in the Bible who you take as your wife. It shall become a great mystery and future generations will be too soft-witted to question where you got your mate. I shall not record this event in the Bible. My prophet, the great T. Scharrer shall only reveal it after the arrival of the seventh millennium. I am on vacation and resting, so I do not have the time or the inclination to create another woman for you. Besides, the last one I created became a real bitch and ate my bananas. I know your sisters are both undeniably like their mother in personality traits, but since they are the only humans in existence, select one and be happy about it. Leave me now and let me get back to my rest. There may be a good movie on cable television tonight."

                                 Cain was grateful not to be punished for killing his brother Able. He was eager to leave home. God had given him a wench to take and keep house for him and pleasure him for children. He lived happily ever after and became a father to a great nation. I’ve ended this story like all good fairy tales should be ended.

                             
                             
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                          • Mr.Natural
                            ADAM and EVE. By Colin Williams (c)2000 Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden. “Another boring day,” he groaned.
                            Message 13 of 28 , Aug 23, 2010
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                              ADAM and EVE.
                              By Colin Williams (c)2000

                              Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden.

                              “Another boring day,” he groaned. “Another day wandering about paradise, eating fruit, staring at beautiful flowers, being good. Oh, it’s so boring! Surely there’s meant to be more to life than this? And is it normal to talk to oneself? Having nobody to ask - I can’t tell.”

                              Adam stared up at the cloudless, azure sky, and sighed.

                              A flock of brightly coloured birds swooped and dived overhead catching Adam’s attention. The birds circled around lazily before alighting on the branch of a tree close to Adam.

                              Adam was about to leave - to pick his breakfast from the fruit trees - when a thought crossed his mind. He studied the birds. The two largest birds sat side by side - on a lower branch sat several much younger birds.

                              Adam frowned in puzzlement. “Where did those younger birds come from? And wherever they came from - how did they get here? I wonder if God makes the new birds and sneaks them in here under the cover of darkness. I’ll have to ask Him when he next turns up.”

                              With a dismissive shrug, Adam turned his back on the birds and set off for the banana tree - his favourite.

                              Sitting with his back to the trunk of the tree, Adam unpeeled his seventh banana and stared out over the orchard.

                              The peaceful setting was suddenly disrupted when two monkeys raced into the orchard, chattering and screaming.

                              Adam ceased chewing as he watched the larger of the two monkeys chase the smaller one. Screeching loudly, they raced up and down the trees, in and out, around and around, until finally, the larger monkey caught the smaller one and grabbed hold of it tightly.

                              Mesmerised, Adam watched the larger animal as it climbed onto the back of its mate. Frowning, Adam dropped his banana and got to his feet. Treading carefully, he moved closer to the two animals.

                              What are they doing? Adam wondered. Whatever it is - it looks like fun. They seem to be enjoying it - whatever it is.

                              Creeping even closer, Adam hid behind a tree and peered out at the two animals.

                              As Adam watched the strange behaviour of the two monkeys, he felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach. With a glazed look in his eyes - his hand moved down to his belly.... He’d experienced this sensation once before .... he cast his mind back. Nodding to himself at the recalled memory, Adam turned away in search of some large leaves. He would need them - the pain in his stomach - the returned memory - too many bananas for breakfast!

                              For the fourth time, Adam came out from the bushes rubbing his painful stomach with a groa more agitated he became. He knew that sleep would not come easily that night.

                              It was the middle of the night, and Adam was still pacing up and down outside his cave.

                              Suddenly, a bright shaft of light shone down on him, and a voice thundered out his name.

                              “Adam! I see you have a troubled mind.”

                              Adam covered his eyes and looked down at the ground. “Lord? Is that you?”

                              “Who were you expecting?” thundered God.

                              Adam fell to the ground prostrate.

                              “Tell me what troubles your thoughts, Adam.”

                              “Well Lord, I....”

                              “You what?” urged the one from upon high.

                              “I’m... I saw two monkeys today and...”

                              “Oh! Is that all. Well don’t let it bother you. I expect you’ll see more of them before your time is through.”

                              “Yes, Lord. But...”

                              The light went out and darkness reigned once more.

                              Adam peeked out from under his arm. He struggled to his feet and stared up at the starry sky.

                              “Oy!” yelled Adam. “I hadn’t finished what I was say...”

                              The light reappeared.

                              Adam resumed the flat out on the ground position.

                              “Sorry about that Adam. I’m a little distracted today. Wondering where to go next with this creation of mine. Think I’m suffering a bit of Creators block. Never mind, I guess I’ll think of something sooner or later.”

                              Adam moved to a kneeling position but kept his eyes averted from the light’s presence. “Lord? I am sorely troubled and confused.”

                              There was a moments silence.

                              “Why Adam? What have you got to worry about? Just eat, drink, sleep and be good. That’s all you have to do.”

                              “Yes, Lord. Er, I’m very grateful and all that... but...”

                              “But?” thundered the Almighty. “You dare to ‘but’?”

                              Adam trembled. “No Lord. I daren’t.”

                              “That’s all right then.”

                              Adam took a deep breath. “Well, actually I do...”

                              The world shook with a supernatural sigh. “What is it, Adam?”

                              “As I was saying Lord, I saw two monkeys today and they were... Well, to be honest I...”

                              “You’d better be honest with me Adam. I would be mightily mis-pleased if you weren’t”

                              “Yes, of course,” grovelled Adam. “Anyway, those animals were doing something and I....”

                              “I wondered when we’d get around to this,” sighed the Lord. “Human nature I guess.”

                              “All I want,” said Adam, “is... I don’t know what exactly - but I feel I need someone - someone to do unto them what those animals do unto one another.”

                              “Mmmm,” responded the light. “You know that you might regret your decision later on, don’t you?”

                              Adam shook his head. “No! I won’t. I’m sure I won’t.”

                              “Perhaps,” replied the Almighty, “perhaps it is time I continued with the plans. All right Adam. Go to sleep and when you awake you will no longer be alone.”

                              Adam leapt to his feet and wrung his hands. “Oh, thank you Lord! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

                              “Enough grovelling Adam! Now go and sleep.”

                              “I’m going, Lord. Right now.”

                              rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What’s... What’s that horrible noise?”

                              “It’s me! Now shift yourself. Have you seen the state of this place? Doesn’t look like its ever been cleaned. And where’s my breakfast? Eh? Eh?”

                              Adam opened his eyes and stared at the naked female who stood in the centre of the cave with her hands planted on her hips.

                              “Just look at the cobwebs up there!” she cried, staring upwards.

                              “Wow! Look at the size of those!” exclaimed Adam, admiring his mate’s body. “Well don’t just sit there gawking at them,” snapped the female. “Go and fetch me something to brush them with!”

                              Adam scratched his head. “Huh?”

                              “Them damned cobwebs!”

                              “Oh, right.... cobwebs. Yes, I’ll...”

                              Without taking his eyes from her body, Adam walked backwards out of the cave. Outside, in the garden, he whooped out loud and punched the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he yelled.

                              Some time later, Adam returned. His arms were laden with fruit of every kind. Walking into the cave he carefully laid down his burden and rushed back outside. A moment later he returned with a broken off branch from an orange tree. He held the branch out to his female.

                              “What’s that?” whined the woman.

                              “Well its...” Adam smiled broadly. “It’s for you.”

                              The woman sneered. “What? You think you can win me over with that? I want flowers. And in a bunch! You hear me? Eh?”

                              Adam frowned. “I thought....” he glanced up at the cobwebs. “I thought you wanted to...”

                              The woman stabbed a finger at the cave’s entrance. “Go on! Go and fetch me flowers. Now!”

                              Muttering loudly, Adam went back out to search for flowers.

                              -----------------

                              The flowers he offered the woman were not satisfactory. He’d picked all yellow ones - she wanted pink.

                              Scratched and torn from many thorns, the roses he offered were finally accepted.

                              “Find me something sweet,” she’d said.

                              Adam, covered with bee stings, returned holding triumphantly aloft a dripping comb of honey.

                              “Don’t drip that all over my freshly cleaned floor!” was the grateful response. “And if you think I’m sleeping on that hard rock over there - you’ve got another think coming. Find me something soft to stuff some rolled up leaves with. And fetch me some leaves to roll up with while your about it!”

                              With a sigh. Adam stared longingly at his woman’s nakedness before he set off once again.

                              Several hours later, Adam staggered back into the cave - carrying a bundle of monkey’s fur that he fought so valiantly for.

                              “Put it down over there,” ordered the woman. “Now, then... Where’s the water in this place?”

                              Adam’s shoulders drooped. “Water?”

                              “Yes, water! I want a bath. Fetch me some water.”

                              “What’s a bath?” asked Adam.

                              “See that hollowed out rock over there? Well I’ve decided that it will be a bath. No go - fetch water!”

                              Adam was losing his patience. Normally he was a placid and patient man, never lost his cool and never swore - until now. With his eyes scanning her naked form he shook his head. “Eeee, f...” he caught himself just in time from uttering a profanity. He took a deep breath and turned around.

                              “Call that enough given me.”

                              Shuffling closer to the bath, Adam swallowed nervously. “Name? What name?”

                              “Eeeef. It does have a certain ring to it I must say.”

                              Totally baffled, Adam simply smiled. “As long as you are happy my sweet honeycomb - then I am too.”

                              While Eeeef bathed, Adam drooled.

                              When Eeeef dried herself on the leaves, Adam’s knees turned to jelly. With glowing skin, Eeeef stood in the centre of the cave and asked Adam to comb her hair with his fingers.

                              Adam willingly obeyed. With fingers trembling and shaking he ran his fingers through her long blonde hair.

                              “Why are you so nervous?” asked Eeeef.

                              “Because you are so beautiful,” replied Adam with a shaky voice. Eeeef smiled coyly. “Fancy me do you?”

                              Embarrassed, Adam glanced down. “That obvious huh?”

                              Eeeef frowned. “What’s obvious?”

                              Adam, blushing furiously glanced down at himself. “You know...”

                              Eeeef shook her head. “I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. You’ll have to fill me in.”

                              A wave of dizziness passed over Adam.

                              “Well speak to me!” snapped Eeeef.

                              Adam swallowed several times. He pointed down at himself. “This! You’ve done this to me. It’s never happened before.”

                              Eeeef giggled. “Fibber. It’s been like that ever since you got up this morning!”

                              Adam closed his eyes to hide his embarrassment. “Look, Eeeef. I’ve er seen what the monkeys and horses and other animals do. And I was wondering....?”

                              Eeeef frowned. “Wondered?”

                              “Yes. I wondered if I might....?”

                              “Might what?”

                              “You know!”

                              Eeeef shook her head. “Nope. You’ve lost me again.”

                              “I wondered if I might ... you know .... like the monkeys do.”

                              Eeeef shrugged. “You could try, but I don’t think they’ll let you. Have you seen how many bald monkeys there are out there? All that fur you ripped them off with .... not a happy bunch are they.”

                              Adam stamped his foot. “Eeeee Fu....”

                              “What my precious? Hey! What’s your name anyhow?”

                              “Me? My name? Adam.”

                              Eeeef smiled seductively. “Tell you what, Adam. If you go out there into the garden right now and pick me a bunch of moonflowers. I’ll let you lie down beside me. How does that grab you? Adam? Where’d he go?”

                              Moonflowers were quite rare - even in the Garden of Eden, but finally, Adam found a patch and picked them eagerly. He also established the very first, land speed record in returning home.

                              Panting and out of breath, Adam fell to his knees beside Eeeef’s reclining form. He held out the flowers. “Here my sweet - moonflowers.”

                              Eeeef sat up and took the proffered flowers. She raised them to her nose and closing her eyes she inhaled deeply. “Ah!” she sighed. “such a heavenly scent.”

                              “Argh!” sighed Adam - for other reasons.

                              “Well, Adam. I think it’s time for you to lie beside me and speak to me of sweet things.”

                              Adam came close to fainting. But bravely he fought on and sat on the edge of the stone ledge just inches away from Eeeef.



                              On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 12:45 PM, <tigerfan158@...> wrote:
                               

                              Here is one of my stories about the Garden of Eden which I wrote a few years ago.  Enjoy the parody - or perhaps it is factual?
                               
                               

                              In The Beginning: The Early Years of Human beings

                              By T. Scharrer Copyright ©  2004  

                                   In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. The creation was completed using a secret energy to matter conversion, patented by God. God continues to hold the rights and has not shared them with anyone. The beginning of God himself shall remain an enigma. It has been said the divine deity is energy itself. Others believe he looks like a man with all the characteristics of a male. Since we do not have a good source of information about the beginnings of the Almighty, no further description will be given. Perhaps it is the greatest paradox ever considered and we should not inquire about the matter.

                                   Creation may have taken billions, millions, or just a few thousand years; depending on what expert with whom you talk. Clearly, God failed to keep accurate timekeeping. Perhaps God used a creation program that only recorded the last two digits of a year, similar to a faulted system developed and used by our coexisting Microsoft God. Both Gods are evasive and dislike being questioned or interrogated.

                                   In the beginning, God created all living plants on the earth. After discovering the entire planet became choked with trees, weeds, and undergrowth, the Almighty found it necessary to get rid of the excess vegetation. He created living creatures, both in the sea and on dry land to consume the dense vegetation. This idea didn’t work as God had planned. The animals excreted dung, which fertilized the plants and eventually only served to make them grow faster and larger.

                                   The first animals God created were dinosaurs. These huge beasts had little regard for the plant life and smashed down the grass as they waked through the fields and woodlands. God decided to create the ice age to destroy the dinosaurs. He considered them a failure. The huge slow moving mass of ice would scrape off some of the excess vegetation on the earth. The only evidence we have that dinosaurs existed are fossilized bones. After seeing the dinosaur was a washout, the Supreme deity created man, whom he knew would have a real affect on lowering the plant and animal population of the Earth. Eventually man would cause more ecological problems than creating all the dinosaurs and other animals and fish. Adam became the first human being. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and become the caretaker.

                                   Since Adam ran through the woods naked, one begins to wonder when God created the mosquitoes and other insects. After all, they are the food for many birds and reptiles. One morning, as Adam was swatting mosquitoes, God spoke. "Adam, I am getting tired of this creation balderdash and plan to take a vacation and rest. Meanwhile, would you give names to each of the animal species, birds, and fishes? I didn’t have time to name all the plants either, so why don’t you also name them for me. Also, be my groundskeeper and clean up this place."

                                   Adam, who must have been created with a language program already installed, replied: "Yuppers, okay God."

                                   Adam started walking around behind all the animals, giving them names. Nevertheless, being the only human on the Earth, it was a senseless duty.  After all, Adam could neither read nor write, so he had to commit every name to memory. Adam was lonely. Here he was, sitting around naked all-day long, scratching his bug bites, eating fruit, and memorizing “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse, etc”. God commanded Adam to eat nothing but the vegetation and fruit found in the garden. He was forbidden to consume meat. The constant eating of fruit gave Adam chronic shits and canker sores in his mouth. One is not to question the orders of God.

                                   Jehovah looked down from Heaven and saw that Adam was lonely. Jehovah began to reason why he created Adam. God thought; I created Adam as a male. Why did I do that? That is right, it was because he was created in my image and I am a male! I must select a companion for Adam, and since he is a male, it must be a female.

                                   God looked at all the female animals of Earth to see if there was a suitable companion for Adam. The dog was loyal but proved unsuitable nor was she desirable to Adam as a mate. The cow, horse and the elephant was too big. The sheep was…….well Adam did take a real liking to the sheep, but a long-term relationship would never work between the two. So the sheep was removed as a lifetime companion for Adam. God made Adam fall into a deep coma. He removed one of Adam’s ribs and formed it into a female counterpart. He called the female; the Woman.

                                   God said, "Hey Adam, wake up! I have a woman for you."

                                   Adam awoke and said; "God, what’s a woman?"

                                   "Haven’t you been watching the animals, Adam? Remember the two dogs you laughed at when you thought they were stuck together? Remember a few weeks later the female dog gave birth to puppies?  Well, that is what a woman is for! I want you to multiply and fill the Earth, and subdue it."

                                   Adam looked at God and replied. "So you want the human woman to have puppies?"

                                   "No Adam, you just don’t get it, do you. The woman has been created out of your body so you can have her as your companion. You and she will eventually reproduce and have children."

                                   "But God, why go through all that trouble when you can just create more humans anyway?"

                                   "That is a question you are not supposed to ask, Adam. Just take the woman and show her around the Garden. Explain about all the life-forms to her and teach her my commandments."

                                   "Okay, God. But, I’m sure apprehensive. I hope this woman will not cause any trouble for me."

                                   Therefore, Adam took the woman with no name and showed her the garden. He pointed out the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He pointed out the huge nut trees, fruit trees, and all the green vegetation growing in the garden. The woman continued to listen to Adam. The woman was curious and amazed how Adam could point without using either hand. That is another story.

                                   One day the woman was walking alone among the trees of the Garden. We do not know where Adam was, the Bible does not say. He may have been sitting in front of the television set watching WWC Wrestling or a football game while sucking up a beer. Whatever the reason, Adam was nowhere to be found. We know a woman cannot think clearly without her man, so as the story progresses, it seems she is going to get into trouble.

                                   The woman is enjoying her morning constitutional stroll. While walking past an Orange tree she abruptly comes to a sudden stop. Her eyes are directed to the middle of the Garden where she sees a huge banana tree. Within the branches of the tree, there is a huge, long, snake with a large head. The snake looks back at the woman and says, "Hi woman, what be happening’ babe? What be a cool chick like you doing wandering through my hood?"

                                   The woman looked back at the serpent and said; "Hot damn, a talking snake!  I’m just taking a stroll thorough the trees and found this neat looking yellow fruit hanging here. I’m hungry. I don't feel like fixing supper tonight, and McDonalds has yet to start opening restaurants. But Adam said I was not to eat anything from this tree."

                                   "Hey babe, what does that dumbbell know anyway? You have to wonder about a man who goes around saying “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse” repeatedly all the time. He has some serious psychological problems. By the way, babe, what is your name?

                                   "I am the Woman."

                                   "Okay, I can see that because you are naked and have boobs, but what is your name?"

                                   "I don’t have one. God called me the Woman, and now Adam calls me the Woman. He hasn’t gotten around to giving me a name. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a name. I was created to be Adam’s wench and companion. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I predict in about six thousand years, females will be shouting from the rooftops, "I AM WOMAN" and we will exercise our constitutional rights."

                                   "Look at me, I am just a talking snake but at least I have a name. Here, have a banana.”

                                   "What?"

                                   "You know, eat some of the fruit from this tree, it tastes good."

                                   The talking snake plucks a ripe banana from the tree with his fangs and puts it in the hand of the woman. She looks at it admiringly, and with a smile on her face, peels back the covering and takes a big bite.

                                   "Not bad. I think Adam would like one of these. I must take a banana to him. I must find him, so, I’ll see you around, Mr. Snake." Eve plucks another banana off the tree, and carries it with her. Being naked, she did not have a pocket to put it into. The talking snake just smiles, creeps down the tree and slithers into a hole on the thirteenth green on the way to the clubhouse.

                                   "Adam, where are you? I have something for you." The woman walks through a large meadow filled with flowers. She finds her beloved Adam sitting in a garden of poppies and smelling them with great eagerness. Adam’s face is all smiles and his eyes are dilated. 

                                   "Where yah been, woman? I found a great smelling flower that makes me feel like I could float higher than an elephant’s trunk. For a while, I just sniffed a poppy and recited all the animals’ names that I knew. Sniffed another poppy and repeated it. I think I just invented the mantra! How about coming over here and sitting down with me and having a great big sniff?"

                                   "Not right now, Adam, maybe later. Perhaps we can find someway to get that fluffy smell out of the poppy and grind it into a powder. Anyway, for now would you like to taste a banana? It’s a great fruit given to me by a talking snake. Did yah know snakes could talk, Adam? I bet God didn’t tell you they could, did he? It was a big surprise to me to when I saw him hanging in that tree like a fire hose. Here let me peel back the fruit for you and take a bite."

                                   Therefore, Adam took the fruit and ate it. He looked at the woman and said; "Woman, you are a mighty fine looking babe! Did you realize we are both naked, in a beautiful garden, with soft moss on the ground, smelling poppies, and I’m going crazy?"

                                   Adam was about to do the “puppy-making act” when he heard God walking in the Garden. Being huge in stature, God made plenty of noise when he walked. All the little animals fled in fear of being squashed into pepperoni and getting stuck on the bottoms of his Almighty feet.

                                   Adam and the woman ran into the bushes (no, not to do that!) and gathered fig leaves which they wrapped around their bodies. Finally, they appeared before God, and God was pissed!

                                   "Adam, I say ADAM. Did you and the woman eat a banana?" Adam bowed his head in shame and said; "Yes God, the woman you gave me, gave the fruit to me and I did eat it."

                                   God said; "Woman, is this true?” (Now dear reader, if God is all knowing why is he asking this rhetorical question?)

                                   The woman looked at God and asked; "Why don’t I have a name like ever other animal in the Garden?"

                                   "Don’t answer a question with a question, woman. Besides, your main purpose is to be breeding stock for Adam. If he wants to give you a name, then it is up to him to do so. Answer my question. Did you give Adam a banana?"

                                   "Yes, God. A talking snake said I would like it, and he right! Why didn’t you tell us that snakes could talk?"

                                   "Woman, you ask too many questions. Why, why, why, is why the only word you know? Because both you and Adam have disobeyed me and ate a banana, I shall ban you from the Garden forever. You will have agonizing pain while giving birth to puppies, I mean children, and thorns will prick your feet and cause more pain. I will also curse your children and they will live in misery and die because of the bananas you have eaten. I will give your descendents the gift of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, bad teeth, prostrate problems, and all miserable death causing plagues. That will teach you to eat a banana. Now, pack your bags and leave my home."

                                   "But God doesn’t that sound a little harsh just for eating a banana? Did you not create all things and call them good? Besides, we don’t have any bags. There is no need to pack our fig leaves; we only have one set anyway." Replied the woman.

                                   "There you go asking questions again, woman. I shall create a new word for you, and it shall be called "Nag." You shall nag your husband the rest of his days. Now get the hell out of my Garden!"

                                   Therefore, Adam and the woman turned from God and walked out of the Garden of Eden. Just as they were leaving, God beamed down a couple of angels who were posted as guards to keep them out of Paradise. The Angels had Excalibur broadswords and were constantly swinging them in motion. The woman knew if she got too close, she would be sliced into hashed meat. She had a destiny to fulfill and knew the Garden was no longer to be part of it.

                                   Adam said, "God is mad about his bananas. You would have been better-off if you had shoved those bananas up that talking snake’s vent. If you ever see him again, woman, just point him out to me. Do you know something, woman? I am going to miss those poppies. These figs leaves are chafing my groin." This was the first time Adam became aware of jock itch.

                                   The woman said nothing. She spoke to Adam with a stern voice; "Isn’t it time you gave me a name? Don’t let this blond hair fool you; I know you could name me if you wanted to. I heard you call that sheep friend of yours "Sweetie" and yet you still refer to me as "the Woman." Since God said I nag you, it starts now, you butthead."

                                   "You aren’t just a woman, you are an evil woman. Hey, that’s it! I will give you the name ‘Evil’. From now one you shall be called Eve for short. Let’s see now, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve. I have to remember that. I wonder why don’t we have last names? Why don’t we have belly buttons? This is getting much too complicated."

                                   Adam and Eve built a shack outside the Garden. It was not much of a place, but it was home. In truth, it was only some cardboard laid over some pieces of used plastic pipe they found in the local junkyard. Since it did not rain, the cardboard would last a longtime. They knew God would not kick them out of this home. The Almighty ignored and shunned them since they were reprimanded for eating bananas.

                                   One hot evening after Adam got home to his shack, Eve put her arms around him and he discovered the truth about his pointing tool. They made love on the dirt floor of the shack. Eve became pregnant and had a puppy. Nah, I mean she gave birth to a son and named him Cain.

                                   Some months later Adam and Eve had another hot steamy evening of “tool time” and she became pregnant again. This time Able was born. Neither son was given a last name.

                                   Adam and Eve gave up their religious philosophy, no longer feeling dependent on God. After all, God had rejected them because of his precious banana tree. They never saw the talking snake again. 

                                   Cain and Able both loved God for whatever strange reason. Cain became a vegetable farmer and Able raised sheep and goats. Adam wandered around looking for poppy flowers but never found them growing outside the Garden. The poppies were created for pleasure, and God was keeping them inside the Garden of Eden for himself. He did not want Adam to enjoy himself. Putting up with Eve should have been enough punishment for eating a banana. Eve continued to have children by Adam.  Eve continued to nag and bitch at Adam, following the instructions given to her from Jehovah God in the Garden of Eden.

                                   Cain and Able grew into strong young men and decided to make an offering to Jehovah. Cain gathered some of his finest string beans, carrots, and lentils putting them in a plastic pail to be poured out on the alter he built to honor God. Able killed his finest and best sheep (this disturbed his father, Adam who had named this special sheep "Sweetie") and put it on an alter of stone he had built which was similar to his brother’s alter.

                                   God, who had been quiet since removing Adam and the Woman from the Garden, looked down at the offerings of Cain and Able.

                                   "Cain," said God; "You offer me a pot of green beans and lentils. What sacrifice is that? I am not a vegetarian. I love meat and blood. Look to your brother Able as an example for you to follow. He has murdered his finest sheep, and is now pouring out its lifeblood on the rock altar. He is a man after my own heart. The smell of burned animal fat and blood is a pleasing scent to my huge nostrils."

                                   God blessed Able and rejected Cain’s vegetable soup.

                                   Cain was angry over the whole matter. His sacrifice did not involve murdering an animal, nor did he see the value of spreading blood over a rock. How was he to know God loved cooked animal fat and blood? Didn’t he command all humanity to be vegetarians? Cain became confused. So confused, that he took out his anger against his brother.

                                   Able was an avid deer hunter who poached out of season. Can saw his brother bending over, dressing out a deer he killed. Cain quietly crept up behind him. Able stood up with a handful of deer entrails just in time to see his brother swing a baseball bat at him. Able felt his head crack like a ball headed for the outfield stands. The last sight Able would see was the major league logo stamped on the bat as it smashed into his face.

                                   "If God wants a blood sacrifice," screamed Cain, "then here is one for him!" Able fell to the ground beside the dead 8-point buck. His life’s blood began to flow over a huge rock. The first murder of a human by another human being just occurred.

                                   Cain took his brother’s body and threw it in a large crevice in a hill near the junkyard behind the shack of his parents. One cannot hide from God, even if He is on a sabbatical rest period.

                                   "Cain" cried the voice of God, "where is your brother Able?"

                                   "I offered him to you as a blood sacrifice, God. You should be pleased! Is there a problem?"

                                   "Yes, you killed your brother and his blood cries out to me."

                                   "I thought you liked blood sacrifice, at least you accepted the one given by Able. It seems we never do anything right for you."

                                   "You have committed a great sin, Cain. For that, you shall be marked and sent to a foreign land to live. There you will become a great nation. The mark will keep others from killing you."

                                   "I have a question, God. If my mom and dad and a couple of my sisters are the only people on the earth, why are you putting a mark on my forehead to protect me from strangers? If we are the only humans on the earth, there are no strangers. How can there be a foreign land if we are the only people in existence? Besides, if I committed murder, why will I be rewarded by becoming a great nation?"

                                   "Cain, Cain, Cain, what am I going to do with you. Why do you ask me questions that are unanswerable? You are like your mom and dad, asking several ridiculous questions when I removed them from the Garden. Just be on your way and shut up."

                                   "Okay, God. But how will I become a great nation when I do not have a wife?"

                                   "Take one of your sisters as a wife and leave the shack. You will father many children with her and become a great nation."

                                   "But, God, sir…how can I do the wild thing with my own sister? Isn’t that incest? Wouldn’t I be committing a great sin? What would mom and dad say if they knew I was bopping my own sister?"

                                   "We will not record in the Bible who you take as your wife. It shall become a great mystery and future generations will be too soft-witted to question where you got your mate. I shall not record this event in the Bible. My prophet, the great T. Scharrer shall only reveal it after the arrival of the seventh millennium. I am on vacation and resting, so I do not have the time or the inclination to create another woman for you. Besides, the last one I created became a real bitch and ate my bananas. I know your sisters are both undeniably like their mother in personality traits, but since they are the only humans in existence, select one and be happy about it. Leave me now and let me get back to my rest. There may be a good movie on cable television tonight."

                                   Cain was grateful not to be punished for killing his brother Able. He was eager to leave home. God had given him a wench to take and keep house for him and pleasure him for children. He lived happily ever after and became a father to a great nation. I’ve ended this story like all good fairy tales should be ended.

                               
                               
                              -----
                              Yahoo! Groups
                              .


                            • Deborah Paar
                              ... From: Mr.Natural Subject: Re: [FT-HUMOR] The Real Story of the Garden of Eden To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com Date: Tuesday, August
                              Message 14 of 28 , Aug 25, 2010
                              • 0 Attachment

                                > > > Eve's Mate
                                > > >
                                > > > After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to
                                > > > visit Eve. "So, how
                                > > > is everything going?" inquired God.
                                > > >
                                > > > "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the
                                > > > sunrises and sunsets
                                > > > are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
                                > > > is wonderful, but I
                                > > > have just one problem. It is these breasts you have
                                > > > given me. The middle
                                > > > one pushes the other two out and I am constantly
                                > > > knocking them with my
                                > > > arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on
                                > > > bushes. They are
                                a
                                > > > real pain," reported Eve.
                                > > >
                                > > > And Eve went on to tell God that since many other
                                > > > parts of her body came
                                > > > in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she
                                > > > felt that having only
                                > > > two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
                                > > > balanced," as she
                                > > > put it.
                                > > >
                                > > > "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my
                                > > > first shot at this,
                                > > > you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I
                                > > > figured that you needed
                                > > > only half of those, but I see that you are right. I
                                > > > will fix it up right
                                > > > away."
                                > > >
                                > > > And God reached down, removed the middle breast and
                                > > > tossed it into the
                                > > > bushes.
                                > > >
                                > > > Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in
                                > > > the Garden of Eden.
                                > > > "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
                                > > >
                                > > > "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one
                                > > > oversight on your part. You
                                > > > see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a
                                > > > ram and the cow has
                                > > > her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I
                                > > > feel so alone."
                                > > >
                                > > > God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve,
                                > > > you are right. How
                                > > > could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and
                                > > > I will immediately
                                > > > create a man from a part of you. Now let's
                                > > > see....where did I put that
                                > > > useless boob?"
                                > > >
                                > > > Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that story
                                > > >
                                about the rib?


                                --- On Tue, 8/24/10, Mr.Natural <natural.mr642@...> wrote:

                                From: Mr.Natural <natural.mr642@...>
                                Subject: Re: [FT-HUMOR] The Real Story of the Garden of Eden
                                To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
                                Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 3:05 AM



                                ADAM and EVE.
                                By Colin Williams (c)2000

                                Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden.

                                “Another boring day,” he groaned. “Another day wandering about paradise, eating fruit, staring at beautiful flowers, being good. Oh, it’s so boring! Surely there’s meant to be more to life than this? And is it normal to talk to oneself? Having nobody to ask - I can’t tell.”

                                Adam stared up at the cloudless, azure sky, and sighed.

                                A flock of brightly coloured birds swooped and dived overhead catching Adam’s attention. The birds circled around lazily before alighting on the branch of a tree close to Adam.

                                Adam was about to leave - to pick his breakfast from the fruit trees - when a thought crossed his mind. He studied the birds. The two largest birds sat side by side - on a lower branch sat several much younger birds.

                                Adam frowned in puzzlement. “Where did those younger birds come from? And wherever they came from - how did they get here? I wonder if God makes the new birds and sneaks them in here under the cover of darkness. I’ll have to ask Him when he next turns up.”

                                With a dismissive shrug, Adam turned his back on the birds and set off for the banana tree - his favourite.

                                Sitting with his back to the trunk of the tree, Adam unpeeled his seventh banana and stared out over the orchard.

                                The peaceful setting was suddenly disrupted when two monkeys raced into the orchard, chattering and screaming.

                                Adam ceased chewing as he watched the larger of the two monkeys chase the smaller one. Screeching loudly, they raced up and down the trees, in and out, around and around, until finally, the larger monkey caught the smaller one and grabbed hold of it tightly.

                                Mesmerised, Adam watched the larger animal as it climbed onto the back of its mate. Frowning, Adam dropped his banana and got to his feet. Treading carefully, he moved closer to the two animals.

                                What are they doing? Adam wondered. Whatever it is - it looks like fun. They seem to be enjoying it - whatever it is.

                                Creeping even closer, Adam hid behind a tree and peered out at the two animals.

                                As Adam watched the strange behaviour of the two monkeys, he felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach. With a glazed look in his eyes - his hand moved down to his belly.... He’d experienced this sensation once before .... he cast his mind back. Nodding to himself at the recalled memory, Adam turned away in search of some large leaves. He would need them - the pain in his stomach - the returned memory - too many bananas for breakfast!

                                For the fourth time, Adam came out from the bushes rubbing his painful stomach with a groa more agitated he became. He knew that sleep would not come easily that night.

                                It was the middle of the night, and Adam was still pacing up and down outside his cave.

                                Suddenly, a bright shaft of light shone down on him, and a voice thundered out his name.

                                “Adam! I see you have a troubled mind.”

                                Adam covered his eyes and looked down at the ground. “Lord? Is that you?”

                                “Who were you expecting?” thundered God.

                                Adam fell to the ground prostrate.

                                “Tell me what troubles your thoughts, Adam.”

                                “Well Lord, I....”

                                “You what?” urged the one from upon high.

                                “I’m... I saw two monkeys today and...”

                                “Oh! Is that all. Well don’t let it bother you. I expect you’ll see more of them before your time is through.”

                                “Yes, Lord. But...”

                                The light went out and darkness reigned once more.

                                Adam peeked out from under his arm. He struggled to his feet and stared up at the starry sky.

                                “Oy!” yelled Adam. “I hadn’t finished what I was say...”

                                The light reappeared.

                                Adam resumed the flat out on the ground position.

                                “Sorry about that Adam. I’m a little distracted today. Wondering where to go next with this creation of mine. Think I’m suffering a bit of Creators block. Never mind, I guess I’ll think of something sooner or later.”

                                Adam moved to a kneeling position but kept his eyes averted from the light’s presence. “Lord? I am sorely troubled and confused.”

                                There was a moments silence.

                                “Why Adam? What have you got to worry about? Just eat, drink, sleep and be good. That’s all you have to do.”

                                “Yes, Lord. Er, I’m very grateful and all that... but...”

                                “But?” thundered the Almighty. “You dare to ‘but’?”

                                Adam trembled. “No Lord. I daren’t.”

                                “That’s all right then.”

                                Adam took a deep breath. “Well, actually I do...”

                                The world shook with a supernatural sigh. “What is it, Adam?”

                                “As I was saying Lord, I saw two monkeys today and they were... Well, to be honest I...”

                                “You’d better be honest with me Adam. I would be mightily mis-pleased if you weren’t”

                                “Yes, of course,” grovelled Adam. “Anyway, those animals were doing something and I....”

                                “I wondered when we’d get around to this,” sighed the Lord. “Human nature I guess.”

                                “All I want,” said Adam, “is... I don’t know what exactly - but I feel I need someone - someone to do unto them what those animals do unto one another.”

                                “Mmmm,” responded the light. “You know that you might regret your decision later on, don’t you?”

                                Adam shook his head. “No! I won’t. I’m sure I won’t.”

                                “Perhaps,” replied the Almighty, “perhaps it is time I continued with the plans. All right Adam. Go to sleep and when you awake you will no longer be alone.”

                                Adam leapt to his feet and wrung his hands. “Oh, thank you Lord! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

                                “Enough grovelling Adam! Now go and sleep.”

                                “I’m going, Lord. Right now.” rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What’s... What’s that horrible noise?”

                                “It’s me! Now shift yourself. Have you seen the state of this place? Doesn’t look like its ever been cleaned. And where’s my breakfast? Eh? Eh?”

                                Adam opened his eyes and stared at the naked female who stood in the centre of the cave with her hands planted on her hips.

                                “Just look at the cobwebs up there!” she cried, staring upwards.

                                “Wow! Look at the size of those!” exclaimed Adam, admiring his mate’s body. “Well don’t just sit there gawking at them,” snapped the female. “Go and fetch me something to brush them with!”

                                Adam scratched his head. “Huh?”

                                “Them damned cobwebs!”

                                “Oh, right.... cobwebs. Yes, I’ll...”

                                Without taking his eyes from her body, Adam walked backwards out of the cave. Outside, in the garden, he whooped out loud and punched the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he yelled.

                                Some time later, Adam returned. His arms were laden with fruit of every kind. Walking into the cave he carefully laid down his burden and rushed back outside. A moment later he returned with a broken off branch from an orange tree. He held the branch out to his female.

                                “What’s that?” whined the woman.

                                “Well its...” Adam smiled broadly. “It’s for you.”

                                The woman sneered. “What? You think you can win me over with that? I want flowers. And in a bunch! You hear me? Eh?”

                                Adam frowned. “I thought....” he glanced up at the cobwebs. “I thought you wanted to...”

                                The woman stabbed a finger at the cave’s entrance. “Go on! Go and fetch me flowers. Now!”

                                Muttering loudly, Adam went back out to search for flowers.

                                -----------------

                                The flowers he offered the woman were not satisfactory. He’d picked all yellow ones - she wanted pink.

                                Scratched and torn from many thorns, the roses he offered were finally accepted.

                                “Find me something sweet,” she’d said.

                                Adam, covered with bee stings, returned holding triumphantly aloft a dripping comb of honey.

                                “Don’t drip that all over my freshly cleaned floor!” was the grateful response. “And if you think I’m sleeping on that hard rock over there - you’ve got another think coming. Find me something soft to stuff some rolled up leaves with. And fetch me some leaves to roll up with while your about it!”

                                With a sigh. Adam stared longingly at his woman’s nakedness before he set off once again.

                                Several hours later, Adam staggered back into the cave - carrying a bundle of monkey’s fur that he fought so valiantly for.

                                “Put it down over there,” ordered the woman. “Now, then... Where’s the water in this place?”

                                Adam’s shoulders drooped. “Water?”

                                “Yes, water! I want a bath. Fetch me some water.”

                                “What’s a bath?” asked Adam.

                                “See that hollowed out rock over there? Well I’ve decided that it will be a bath. No go - fetch water!”

                                Adam was losing his patience. Normally he was a placid and patient man, never lost his cool and never swore - until now. With his eyes scanning her naked form he shook his head. “Eeee, f...” he caught himself just in time from uttering a profanity. He took a deep breath and turned around.

                                “Call that enough given me.”

                                Shuffling closer to the bath, Adam swallowed nervously. “Name? What name?”

                                “Eeeef. It does have a certain ring to it I must say.”

                                Totally baffled, Adam simply smiled. “As long as you are happy my sweet honeycomb - then I am too.”

                                While Eeeef bathed, Adam drooled.

                                When Eeeef dried herself on the leaves, Adam’s knees turned to jelly. With glowing skin, Eeeef stood in the centre of the cave and asked Adam to comb her hair with his fingers.

                                Adam willingly obeyed. With fingers trembling and shaking he ran his fingers through her long blonde hair.

                                “Why are you so nervous?” asked Eeeef.

                                “Because you are so beautiful,” replied Adam with a shaky voice. Eeeef smiled coyly. “Fancy me do you?”

                                Embarrassed, Adam glanced down. “That obvious huh?”

                                Eeeef frowned. “What’s obvious?”

                                Adam, blushing furiously glanced down at himself. “You know...”

                                Eeeef shook her head. “I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. You’ll have to fill me in.”

                                A wave of dizziness passed over Adam.

                                “Well speak to me!” snapped Eeeef.

                                Adam swallowed several times. He pointed down at himself. “This! You’ve done this to me. It’s never happened before.”

                                Eeeef giggled. “Fibber. It’s been like that ever since you got up this morning!”

                                Adam closed his eyes to hide his embarrassment. “Look, Eeeef. I’ve er seen what the monkeys and horses and other animals do. And I was wondering....?”

                                Eeeef frowned. “Wondered?”

                                “Yes. I wondered if I might....?”

                                “Might what?”

                                “You know!”

                                Eeeef shook her head. “Nope. You’ve lost me again.”

                                “I wondered if I might ... you know .... like the monkeys do.”

                                Eeeef shrugged. “You could try, but I don’t think they’ll let you. Have you seen how many bald monkeys there are out there? All that fur you ripped them off with .... not a happy bunch are they.”

                                Adam stamped his foot. “Eeeee Fu....”

                                “What my precious? Hey! What’s your name anyhow?”

                                “Me? My name? Adam.”

                                Eeeef smiled seductively. “Tell you what, Adam. If you go out there into the garden right now and pick me a bunch of moonflowers. I’ll let you lie down beside me. How does that grab you? Adam? Where’d he go?”

                                Moonflowers were quite rare - even in the Garden of Eden, but finally, Adam found a patch and picked them eagerly. He also established the very first, land speed record in returning home.

                                Panting and out of breath, Adam fell to his knees beside Eeeef’s reclining form. He held out the flowers. “Here my sweet - moonflowers.”

                                Eeeef sat up and took the proffered flowers. She raised them to her nose and closing her eyes she inhaled deeply. “Ah!” she sighed. “such a heavenly scent.”

                                “Argh!” sighed Adam - for other reasons.

                                “Well, Adam. I think it’s time for you to lie beside me and speak to me of sweet things.”

                                Adam came close to fainting. But bravely he fought on and sat on the edge of the stone ledge just inches away from Eeeef.

                                On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 12:45 PM, <tigerfan158@...> wrote:
                                 
                                Here is one of my stories about the Garden of Eden which I wrote a few years ago.  Enjoy the parody - or perhaps it is factual?
                                 
                                 

                                In The Beginning: The Early Years of Human beings

                                By T. Scharrer Copyright ©  2004  

                                     In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. The creation was completed using a secret energy to matter conversion, patented by God. God continues to hold the rights and has not shared them with anyone. The beginning of God himself shall remain an enigma. It has been said the divine deity is energy itself. Others believe he looks like a man with all the characteristics of a male. Since we do not have a good source of information about the beginnings of the Almighty, no further description will be given. Perhaps it is the greatest paradox ever considered and we should not inquire about the matter.
                                     Creation may have taken billions, millions, or just a few thousand years; depending on what expert with whom you talk. Clearly, God failed to keep accurate timekeeping. Perhaps God used a creation program that only recorded the last two digits of a year, similar to a faulted system developed and used by our coexisting Microsoft God. Both Gods are evasive and dislike being questioned or interrogated.
                                     In the beginning, God created all living plants on the earth. After discovering the entire planet became choked with trees, weeds, and undergrowth, the Almighty found it necessary to get rid of the excess vegetation. He created living creatures, both in the sea and on dry land to consume the dense vegetation. This idea didn’t work as God had planned. The animals excreted dung, which fertilized the plants and eventually only served to make them grow faster and larger.
                                     The first animals God created were dinosaurs. These huge beasts had little regard for the plant life and smashed down the grass as they waked through the fields and woodlands. God decided to create the ice age to destroy the dinosaurs. He considered them a failure. The huge slow moving mass of ice would scrape off some of the excess vegetation on the earth. The only evidence we have that dinosaurs existed are fossilized bones. After seeing the dinosaur was a washout, the Supreme deity created man, whom he knew would have a real affect on lowering the plant and animal population of the Earth. Eventually man would cause more ecological problems than creating all the dinosaurs and other animals and fish. Adam became the first human being. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and become the caretaker.
                                     Since Adam ran through the woods naked, one begins to wonder when God created the mosquitoes and other insects. After all, they are the food for many birds and reptiles. One morning, as Adam was swatting mosquitoes, God spoke. "Adam, I am getting tired of this creation balderdash and plan to take a vacation and rest. Meanwhile, would you give names to each of the animal species, birds, and fishes? I didn’t have time to name all the plants either, so why don’t you also name them for me. Also, be my groundskeeper and clean up this place."
                                     Adam, who must have been created with a language program already installed, replied: "Yuppers, okay God."
                                     Adam started walking around behind all the animals, giving them names. Nevertheless, being the only human on the Earth, it was a senseless duty.  After all, Adam could neither read nor write, so he had to commit every name to memory. Adam was lonely. Here he was, sitting around naked all-day long, scratching his bug bites, eating fruit, and memorizing “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse, etc”. God commanded Adam to eat nothing but the vegetation and fruit found in the garden. He was forbidden to consume meat. The constant eating of fruit gave Adam chronic shits and canker sores in his mouth. One is not to question the orders of God.
                                     Jehovah looked down from Heaven and saw that Adam was lonely. Jehovah began to reason why he created Adam. God thought; I created Adam as a male. Why did I do that? That is right, it was because he was created in my image and I am a male! I must select a companion for Adam, and since he is a male, it must be a female.
                                     God looked at all the female animals of Earth to see if there was a suitable companion for Adam. The dog was loyal but proved unsuitable nor was she desirable to Adam as a mate. The cow, horse and the elephant was too big. The sheep was…….well Adam did take a real liking to the sheep, but a long-term relationship would never work between the two. So the sheep was removed as a lifetime companion for Adam. God made Adam fall into a deep coma. He removed one of Adam’s ribs and formed it into a female counterpart. He called the female; the Woman.
                                     God said, "Hey Adam, wake up! I have a woman for you."
                                     Adam awoke and said; "God, what’s a woman?"
                                     "Haven’t you been watching the animals, Adam? Remember the two dogs you laughed at when you thought they were stuck together? Remember a few weeks later the female dog gave birth to puppies?  Well, that is what a woman is for! I want you to multiply and fill the Earth, and subdue it."
                                     Adam looked at God and replied. "So you want the human woman to have puppies?"
                                     "No Adam, you just don’t get it, do you. The woman has been created out of your body so you can have her as your companion. You and she will eventually reproduce and have children."
                                     "But God, why go through all that trouble when you can just create more humans anyway?"
                                     "That is a question you are not supposed to ask, Adam. Just take the woman and show her around the Garden. Explain about all the life-forms to her and teach her my commandments."
                                     "Okay, God. But, I’m sure apprehensive. I hope this woman will not cause any trouble for me."
                                     Therefore, Adam took the woman with no name and showed her the garden. He pointed out the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He pointed out the huge nut trees, fruit trees, and all the green vegetation growing in the garden. The woman continued to listen to Adam. The woman was curious and amazed how Adam could point without using either hand. That is another story.
                                     One day the woman was walking alone among the trees of the Garden. We do not know where Adam was, the Bible does not say. He may have been sitting in front of the television set watching WWC Wrestling or a football game while sucking up a beer. Whatever the reason, Adam was nowhere to be found. We know a woman cannot think clearly without her man, so as the story progresses, it seems she is going to get into trouble.
                                     The woman is enjoying her morning constitutional stroll. While walking past an Orange tree she abruptly comes to a sudden stop. Her eyes are directed to the middle of the Garden where she sees a huge banana tree. Within the branches of the tree, there is a huge, long, snake with a large head. The snake looks back at the woman and says, "Hi woman, what be happening’ babe? What be a cool chick like you doing wandering through my hood?"
                                     The woman looked back at the serpent and said; "Hot damn, a talking snake!  I’m just taking a stroll thorough the trees and found this neat looking yellow fruit hanging here. I’m hungry. I don't feel like fixing supper tonight, and McDonalds has yet to start opening restaurants. But Adam said I was not to eat anything from this tree."
                                     "Hey babe, what does that dumbbell know anyway? You have to wonder about a man who goes around saying “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse” repeatedly all the time. He has some serious psychological problems. By the way, babe, what is your name?
                                     "I am the Woman."
                                     "Okay, I can see that because you are naked and have boobs, but what is your name?"
                                     "I don’t have one. God called me the Woman, and now Adam calls me the Woman. He hasn’t gotten around to giving me a name. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a name. I was created to be Adam’s wench and companion. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I predict in about six thousand years, females will be shouting from the rooftops, "I AM WOMAN" and we will exercise our constitutional rights."
                                     "Look at me, I am just a talking snake but at least I have a name. Here, have a banana.”
                                     "What?"
                                     "You know, eat some of the fruit from this tree, it tastes good."
                                     The talking snake plucks a ripe banana from the tree with his fangs and puts it in the hand of the woman. She looks at it admiringly, and with a smile on her face, peels back the covering and takes a big bite.
                                     "Not bad. I think Adam would like one of these. I must take a banana to him. I must find him, so, I’ll see you around, Mr. Snake." Eve plucks another banana off the tree, and carries it with her. Being naked, she did not have a pocket to put it into. The talking snake just smiles, creeps down the tree and slithers into a hole on the thirteenth green on the way to the clubhouse.
                                     "Adam, where are you? I have something for you." The woman walks through a large meadow filled with flowers. She finds her beloved Adam sitting in a garden of poppies and smelling them with great eagerness. Adam’s face is all smiles and his eyes are dilated. 
                                     "Where yah been, woman? I found a great smelling flower that makes me feel like I could float higher than an elephant’s trunk. For a while, I just sniffed a poppy and recited all the animals’ names that I knew. Sniffed another poppy and repeated it. I think I just invented the mantra! How about coming over here and sitting down with me and having a great big sniff?"
                                     "Not right now, Adam, maybe later. Perhaps we can find someway to get that fluffy smell out of the poppy and grind it into a powder. Anyway, for now would you like to taste a banana? It’s a great fruit given to me by a talking snake. Did yah know snakes could talk, Adam? I bet God didn’t tell you they could, did he? It was a big surprise to me to when I saw him hanging in that tree like a fire hose. Here let me peel back the fruit for you and take a bite."
                                     Therefore, Adam took the fruit and ate it. He looked at the woman and said; "Woman, you are a mighty fine looking babe! Did you realize we are both naked, in a beautiful garden, with soft moss on the ground, smelling poppies, and I’m going crazy?"
                                     Adam was about to do the “puppy-making act” when he heard God walking in the Garden. Being huge in stature, God made plenty of noise when he walked. All the little animals fled in fear of being squashed into pepperoni and getting stuck on the bottoms of his Almighty feet.
                                     Adam and the woman ran into the bushes (no, not to do that!) and gathered fig leaves which they wrapped around their bodies. Finally, they appeared before God, and God was pissed!
                                     "Adam, I say ADAM. Did you and the woman eat a banana?" Adam bowed his head in shame and said; "Yes God, the woman you gave me, gave the fruit to me and I did eat it."
                                     God said; "Woman, is this true?” (Now dear reader, if God is all knowing why is he asking this rhetorical question?)
                                     The woman looked at God and asked; "Why don’t I have a name like ever other animal in the Garden?"
                                     "Don’t answer a question with a question, woman. Besides, your main purpose is to be breeding stock for Adam. If he wants to give you a name, then it is up to him to do so. Answer my question. Did you give Adam a banana?"
                                     "Yes, God. A talking snake said I would like it, and he right! Why didn’t you tell us that snakes could talk?"
                                     "Woman, you ask too many questions. Why, why, why, is why the only word you know? Because both you and Adam have disobeyed me and ate a banana, I shall ban you from the Garden forever. You will have agonizing pain while giving birth to puppies, I mean children, and thorns will prick your feet and cause more pain. I will also curse your children and they will live in misery and die because of the bananas you have eaten. I will give your descendents the gift of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, bad teeth, prostrate problems, and all miserable death causing plagues. That will teach you to eat a banana. Now, pack your bags and leave my home."
                                     "But God doesn’t that sound a little harsh just for eating a banana? Did you not create all things and call them good? Besides, we don’t have any bags. There is no need to pack our fig leaves; we only have one set anyway." Replied the woman.
                                     "There you go asking questions again, woman. I shall create a new word for you, and it shall be called "Nag." You shall nag your husband the rest of his days. Now get the hell out of my Garden!"
                                     Therefore, Adam and the woman turned from God and walked out of the Garden of Eden. Just as they were leaving, God beamed down a couple of angels who were posted as guards to keep them out of Paradise. The Angels had Excalibur broadswords and were constantly swinging them in motion. The woman knew if she got too close, she would be sliced into hashed meat. She had a destiny to fulfill and knew the Garden was no longer to be part of it.
                                     Adam said, "God is mad about his bananas. You would have been better-off if you had shoved those bananas up that talking snake’s vent. If you ever see him again, woman, just point him out to me. Do you know something, woman? I am going to miss those poppies. These figs leaves are chafing my groin." This was the first time Adam became aware of jock itch.
                                     The woman said nothing. She spoke to Adam with a stern voice; "Isn’t it time you gave me a name? Don’t let this blond hair fool you; I know you could name me if you wanted to. I heard you call that sheep friend of yours "Sweetie" and yet you still refer to me as "the Woman." Since God said I nag you, it starts now, you butthead."
                                     "You aren’t just a woman, you are an evil woman. Hey, that’s it! I will give you the name ‘Evil’. From now one you shall be called Eve for short. Let’s see now, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve. I have to remember that. I wonder why don’t we have last names? Why don’t we have belly buttons? This is getting much too complicated."
                                     Adam and Eve built a shack outside the Garden. It was not much of a place, but it was home. In truth, it was only some cardboard laid over some pieces of used plastic pipe they found in the local junkyard. Since it did not rain, the cardboard would last a longtime. They knew God would not kick them out of this home. The Almighty ignored and shunned them since they were reprimanded for eating bananas.
                                     One hot evening after Adam got home to his shack, Eve put her arms around him and he discovered the truth about his pointing tool. They made love on the dirt floor of the shack. Eve became pregnant and had a puppy. Nah, I mean she gave birth to a son and named him Cain.
                                     Some months later Adam and Eve had another hot steamy evening of “tool time” and she became pregnant again. This time Able was born. Neither son was given a last name.
                                     Adam and Eve gave up their religious philosophy, no longer feeling dependent on God. After all, God had rejected them because of his precious banana tree. They never saw the talking snake again. 
                                     Cain and Able both loved God for whatever strange reason. Cain became a vegetable farmer and Able raised sheep and goats. Adam wandered around looking for poppy flowers but never found them growing outside the Garden. The poppies were created for pleasure, and God was keeping them inside the Garden of Eden for himself. He did not want Adam to enjoy himself. Putting up with Eve should have been enough punishment for eating a banana. Eve continued to have children by Adam.  Eve continued to nag and bitch at Adam, following the instructions given to her from Jehovah God in the Garden of Eden.
                                     Cain and Able grew into strong young men and decided to make an offering to Jehovah. Cain gathered some of his finest string beans, carrots, and lentils putting them in a plastic pail to be poured out on the alter he built to honor God. Able killed his finest and best sheep (this disturbed his father, Adam who had named this special sheep "Sweetie") and put it on an alter of stone he had built which was similar to his brother’s alter.
                                     God, who had been quiet since removing Adam and the Woman from the Garden, looked down at the offerings of Cain and Able.
                                     "Cain," said God; "You offer me a pot of green beans and lentils. What sacrifice is that? I am not a vegetarian. I love meat and blood. Look to your brother Able as an example for you to follow. He has murdered his finest sheep, and is now pouring out its lifeblood on the rock altar. He is a man after my own heart. The smell of burned animal fat and blood is a pleasing scent to my huge nostrils."
                                     God blessed Able and rejected Cain’s vegetable soup.
                                     Cain was angry over the whole matter. His sacrifice did not involve murdering an animal, nor did he see the value of spreading blood over a rock. How was he to know God loved cooked animal fat and blood? Didn’t he command all humanity to be vegetarians? Cain became confused. So confused, that he took out his anger against his brother.
                                     Able was an avid deer hunter who poached out of season. Can saw his brother bending over, dressing out a deer he killed. Cain quietly crept up behind him. Able stood up with a handful of deer entrails just in time to see his brother swing a baseball bat at him. Able felt his head crack like a ball headed for the outfield stands. The last sight Able would see was the major league logo stamped on the bat as it smashed into his face.
                                     "If God wants a blood sacrifice," screamed Cain, "then here is one for him!" Able fell to the ground beside the dead 8-point buck. His life’s blood began to flow over a huge rock. The first murder of a human by another human being just occurred.
                                     Cain took his brother’s body and threw it in a large crevice in a hill near the junkyard behind the shack of his parents. One cannot hide from God, even if He is on a sabbatical rest period.
                                     "Cain" cried the voice of God, "where is your brother Able?"
                                     "I offered him to you as a blood sacrifice, God. You should be pleased! Is there a problem?"
                                     "Yes, you killed your brother and his blood cries out to me."
                                     "I thought you liked blood sacrifice, at least you accepted the one given by Able. It seems we never do anything right for you."
                                     "You have committed a great sin, Cain. For that, you shall be marked and sent to a foreign land to live. There you will become a great nation. The mark will keep others from killing you."
                                     "I have a question, God. If my mom and dad and a couple of my sisters are the only people on the earth, why are you putting a mark on my forehead to protect me from strangers? If we are the only humans on the earth, there are no strangers. How can there be a foreign land if we are the only people in existence? Besides, if I committed murder, why will I be rewarded by becoming a great nation?"
                                     "Cain, Cain, Cain, what am I going to do with you. Why do you ask me questions that are unanswerable? You are like your mom and dad, asking several ridiculous questions when I removed them from the Garden. Just be on your way and shut up."
                                     "Okay, God. But how will I become a great nation when I do not have a wife?"
                                     "Take one of your sisters as a wife and leave the shack. You will father many children with her and become a great nation."
                                     "But, God, sir…how can I do the wild thing with my own sister? Isn’t that incest? Wouldn’t I be committing a great sin? What would mom and dad say if they knew I was bopping my own sister?"
                                     "We will not record in the Bible who you take as your wife. It shall become a great mystery and future generations will be too soft-witted to question where you got your mate. I shall not record this event in the Bible. My prophet, the great T. Scharrer shall only reveal it after the arrival of the seventh millennium. I am on vacation and resting, so I do not have the time or the inclination to create another woman for you. Besides, the last one I created became a real bitch and ate my bananas. I know your sisters are both undeniably like their mother in personality traits, but since they are the only humans in existence, select one and be happy about it. Leave me now and let me get back to my rest. There may be a good movie on cable television tonight."
                                     Cain was grateful not to be punished for killing his brother Able. He was eager to leave home. God had given him a wench to take and keep house for him and pleasure him for children. He lived happily ever after and became a father to a great nation. I’ve ended this story like all good fairy tales should be ended.
                                 
                                 
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