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Re: New Year's 101

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  • cobbie1919
    Thanks for the to do s and to don ts You have a great sense of humor. Judy ... to ... second ... through ... It ... ahead ... you ... is ... spare ... greedy
    Message 1 of 3 , Jan 1, 2009
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      Thanks for the 'to do's and to don'ts' You have a great sense of
      humor.

      Judy


      --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "strangerangers1"
      <paul.stoneman@...> wrote:
      >
      > As the holidays approach, most of us are trying to decide on a
      > positive way to improve ourselves for the upcoming year. My advice
      to
      > you is to keep it simple when deciding on a New Year's resolution.
      > After all, you don't want to dissapoint yourself. For example, this
      > year my resolution is to stop flushing the toilet at the exact
      second
      > a stream of urine exits my pee hole. This is a race I cannot win and
      > it can't be good for my prostate. Besides, it's a waste of water,
      > which means I have to pay more for it. Anywho, I have come up with a
      > list of "Do's and Don't's" to serve as a general guideline to assist
      > and enlighten you on the road to self-improvement as you rifle
      through
      > your annual self-evaluation.
      >
      > "Don't's"
      >
      > 1. Quit Smoking. Spare me this bullshit. The only thing you need to
      > quit is "kidding yourself". Chances are that two minutes after the
      > ball drops in Times Square you will already be on your third cancer
      > stick. Same goes if drinking is your vice. Both are way too hard to
      > quit. Trust me, I've tried. Unless "a shitty year" was at the top of
      > your Christmas list, I advise you to continue smoking and drinking.
      It
      > will help you cope with the certain failures and disappointments
      ahead
      > of you in the coming year.
      >
      > 2. Exercise more. Give me a fucking break. I'll bet the house that
      you
      > only start diets on Mondays too. If this is your resolution then it
      is
      > probably genetically impossible for you to be good-looking. Be
      > thankful that you only have three chins and can still see your
      > genitals if you lean over really far in the shower.
      >
      > 3. Give back to your community. For the love of Smokey Robinson,
      spare
      > me this load of crap. I guarantee you that you will be the same
      greedy
      > bastard in 2009 that you have been your entire life. You are only
      > allowed this one if your idea of philanthropy is tipping your cab
      > driver in pesos.
      >
      > 4. Be more sensitive (guys and bulldykes only). This one is
      absolutely
      > fucking impossible. Honestly, when was the last time you made it
      > through a holiday, anniversary, or even a first date for Christ's
      > sake, without tears being shed for what I consider "no apparent
      > reason". Women are weak. Unlike us, they have feelings, needs,
      > worries, and an unpredictable hormone cycle that will make want to
      > give yourself a vasectomy.
      >
      > Blood of Christ, Bread of heaven...
      > "Do's"
      >
      > 1. Vote. This is an obvious "go to" resolution for people that are
      > already "perfect". You only have to do it every two to four years,
      so
      > technically you can go an entire decade without even noticing your
      > inherent flaws. Plus, you get bonus points if your candidate loses.
      > Everytime something in this country goes wrong, all you have to do
      is
      > say "Hey I did my part, it's not my fault". Also, it makes people
      that
      > didn't vote feel bad.
      >
      > 2. Pay taxes. Works well for people with actual jobs. Not
      recommended
      > for drug dealers and children. You only have to do it once a year
      and
      > when you get your returns, you can pretend it's "free money" and
      blow
      > it on drugs and booze without feeling guilty.
      >
      > Chesnuts roasting on an open fire.
      > 3. Get a flu shot. Again, once a year. Unless you enjoy the taste of
      > snot this one is automatic. Plus, you can point out to your friends
      > and family who spend their holiday sick that you had the foresight
      to
      > spread cheer and not be miserable. They will remember your
      brilliance
      > and compliment you for having common sense.
      >
      > 4. Go to church on Christmas Eve. Get it over with. See a pattern
      > here, once a year. Mothers and grandmothers will start gossipping to
      > nieces and grandchildren about your good looks and manners. Even if
      > you look like Rocky from the movie "Mask", your chances of getting
      > laid just went up. People are desperate and horny around the
      holidays.
      > It's a great atmosphere to showcase your "singleness". You will
      > quickly be labeled as eligible and fuckable, since everyone else is
      > taken or in rehab. Plus, odds are there will be no real church
      > service. Just a Christmas play starring a bunch of mongloids dressed
      > as sheep and shepherds singing some shitty carols. Not much to ask
      for
      > a nice piece of ass.
      >
      > These are just a few suggestions for those of you struggling to find
      > something wrong with yourself.
      >
    • alltorn
      ... to ... second ... and ... a ... assist ... through ... of ... drinking. It ... ahead ... you ... it is ... spare ... greedy ... absolutely ... so ... is
      Message 2 of 3 , Jan 8, 2009
      • 0 Attachment
        --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "strangerangers1"
        <paul.stoneman@...> wrote:
        >
        > As the holidays approach, most of us are trying to decide on a
        > positive way to improve ourselves for the upcoming year. My advice
        to
        > you is to keep it simple when deciding on a New Year's resolution.
        > After all, you don't want to dissapoint yourself. For example, this
        > year my resolution is to stop flushing the toilet at the exact
        second
        > a stream of urine exits my pee hole. This is a race I cannot win
        and
        > it can't be good for my prostate. Besides, it's a waste of water,
        > which means I have to pay more for it. Anywho, I have come up with
        a
        > list of "Do's and Don't's" to serve as a general guideline to
        assist
        > and enlighten you on the road to self-improvement as you rifle
        through
        > your annual self-evaluation.
        >
        > "Don't's"
        >
        > 1. Quit Smoking. Spare me this bullshit. The only thing you need to
        > quit is "kidding yourself". Chances are that two minutes after the
        > ball drops in Times Square you will already be on your third cancer
        > stick. Same goes if drinking is your vice. Both are way too hard to
        > quit. Trust me, I've tried. Unless "a shitty year" was at the top
        of
        > your Christmas list, I advise you to continue smoking and
        drinking. It
        > will help you cope with the certain failures and disappointments
        ahead
        > of you in the coming year.
        >
        > 2. Exercise more. Give me a fucking break. I'll bet the house that
        you
        > only start diets on Mondays too. If this is your resolution then
        it is
        > probably genetically impossible for you to be good-looking. Be
        > thankful that you only have three chins and can still see your
        > genitals if you lean over really far in the shower.
        >
        > 3. Give back to your community. For the love of Smokey Robinson,
        spare
        > me this load of crap. I guarantee you that you will be the same
        greedy
        > bastard in 2009 that you have been your entire life. You are only
        > allowed this one if your idea of philanthropy is tipping your cab
        > driver in pesos.
        >
        > 4. Be more sensitive (guys and bulldykes only). This one is
        absolutely
        > fucking impossible. Honestly, when was the last time you made it
        > through a holiday, anniversary, or even a first date for Christ's
        > sake, without tears being shed for what I consider "no apparent
        > reason". Women are weak. Unlike us, they have feelings, needs,
        > worries, and an unpredictable hormone cycle that will make want to
        > give yourself a vasectomy.
        >
        > Blood of Christ, Bread of heaven...
        > "Do's"
        >
        > 1. Vote. This is an obvious "go to" resolution for people that are
        > already "perfect". You only have to do it every two to four years,
        so
        > technically you can go an entire decade without even noticing your
        > inherent flaws. Plus, you get bonus points if your candidate loses.
        > Everytime something in this country goes wrong, all you have to do
        is
        > say "Hey I did my part, it's not my fault". Also, it makes people
        that
        > didn't vote feel bad.
        >
        > 2. Pay taxes. Works well for people with actual jobs. Not
        recommended
        > for drug dealers and children. You only have to do it once a year
        and
        > when you get your returns, you can pretend it's "free money" and
        blow
        > it on drugs and booze without feeling guilty.
        >
        > Chesnuts roasting on an open fire.
        > 3. Get a flu shot. Again, once a year. Unless you enjoy the taste
        of
        > snot this one is automatic. Plus, you can point out to your friends
        > and family who spend their holiday sick that you had the foresight
        to
        > spread cheer and not be miserable. They will remember your
        brilliance
        > and compliment you for having common sense.
        >
        > 4. Go to church on Christmas Eve. Get it over with. See a pattern
        > here, once a year. Mothers and grandmothers will start gossipping
        to
        > nieces and grandchildren about your good looks and manners. Even if
        > you look like Rocky from the movie "Mask", your chances of getting
        > laid just went up. People are desperate and horny around the
        holidays.
        > It's a great atmosphere to showcase your "singleness". You will
        > quickly be labeled as eligible and fuckable, since everyone else is
        > taken or in rehab. Plus, odds are there will be no real church
        > service. Just a Christmas play starring a bunch of mongloids
        dressed
        > as sheep and shepherds singing some shitty carols. Not much to ask
        for
        > a nice piece of ass.
        >
        > These are just a few suggestions for those of you struggling to
        find
        > something wrong with yourself.

        OMG I'm fucking ROLLING,,,,,,,,,, Thx for this message,,,, And
        soooooooooo damn true!!
        Tami
        >
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