So much you ladies missed; so sad!!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd think Democrats would be better in the sack,
because they're usually, well better human beings in general. Plus,
they're so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about
your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. "Is there
anything you need?" they whimper. Oh, shutthefuckup! This is sex we're
talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both
sides of the aisleand sometimes in the aisleI am here to report that
Republican men (except the closet cases) are inﬁnitely better to have
sex with. Here's why.
1. NO CONSCIENCE!
A Republican man will never whine in the middle of the nightlet alone
in the middle of screwing youabout the girlfriend/wife/whatever he is
"devastating" by sleeping with you. He just does it. It's all about
himhe needs to be the best you ever had, and that can be a good thing
if your getting off is contingent on his. He doesn't even stay for
breakfast. (Though if you do make him breakfast, he is eternally
grateful and will go down on you for another several hours.) One word:
2. NO TEARS!
A Republican man will never, ever cry. Not on election night (no
matter what happens). Not when you're breaking up with him (what, you
think he cared?). Not even when he's having "a problem I've never had
before, really, I'm not kidding, I swear."
3. A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE
I've dated Democrats whose nights have been ruined (forever!) due to
some stupid-ass comment by Bill Frist on Hardball. I've watched them
go all mopey, argue with the TV and then their little weenies
disappear. Not so with GOPers. Republicans, particularly when naked,
do not want to sit around and talk about Social Security
privatization. Or Iraq, for chrissake. Or why (oh, boo hoo, get over
it!) Kerry lost. They don't even want to sit around naked and talk
about George W. Bush. They just want you to sit on them.
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
Republicans are happy to watch Jon Stewart with you. They think he's a
riot. They don't parse every word he says in an effort to ﬁgure out if
"The Huffington Post" will approve. They just laugh, pour another
cocktail, and decide upon which couch they will fuck your brains out
after the show.
Democrats often need something incredibly eroticlike Meet the
Pressto get revved up, particularly on a Sunday morning (there are
only so many sections of The New York Times). Republicans, on the
other hand, don't even need Fox News to get it up. They understand
that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy
checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for
the environment. And by the time they ﬁgure that out, we've all lost
It is absolutely, positively, 100 percent true that Republicans have
bigger dicks. Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of
Republicans are much more likely to whip their dicks out during the
cab ride back from dinner. (This is not an urban myth.) They are also
more inclined to get started in the elevator, pin you against a wall,
do you on the kitchen sink, wherever. Democrats bring jammies, spend
at least twenty minutes prior to "sex time" doing God knows fucking
what in the bathroom, and then emerge with a big grin that says:
"After all I did for you supporting equal pay and abortion rights, the
least you could do is make love to me." Democrats always think you owe
them. Republicans, because they've never done a goddamn thing for you,
have no such delusions.
Republicans have great taste in restaurants and will never make the
wussiest of pre-date proposals: "You pick." They understand that a
woman wants a guy who knows how to pick a restaurant by himself. And
who doesn't feel the need to tell you what Zagat said about it before
you get there. A Republican also knows how to order wine without
getting all prissy about it, never dissects the bill (they don't even
look at it!), and will never, evereversay, "Well, yes, I think
that's fair; your half comes to $39.25, but you had one more drink
than I did," if you offer to pay. They won't let you think about
offering to pay. This is so sexy! The best part: There's never any
guilt involved; we all know they got their tax break.
9. WOOING TECHNIQUES
Republicans will never send you group e-mails that consist of the
entire text of Al Gore's last speech (that was "woefully
underreported" but "I knew you'd want to read it in its entirety"). Or
the sign-up sheet for Democracy in Action, or whatever the hell those
weirdos from the Howard Dean campaign are up to now. Or forms to send
your congressperson because something terrible is happening to some
woman you don't know in Niger. (And you'd better send it to a hundred
more friends or her labia will be removed tonight!!!) Nah. Republicans
send e-mails that say: "I can't wait to eat your pussy."
10. NIGHTSTAND READING
You will never hear a Republican say, "Let's just cuddle and read The
New Yorker tonight." They understand you do not want reading materials
in bed. You want a man.
10.5. THE BIG CAVEAT
Yes, Republicans are the better laybut only the Republicans you've
never heard of. The more prominent they are, the less fuckable they
are. The opposite is true of Democrats. Think about it. Is there any
woman on the face of the earth who wouldn't fuck Bill Clinton? (Didn't
think so.) But with a gun to your head, could you even think of doing
Santorum? DeLay? Lott? Yuck, yuck, yuck! Okay, with a gun to our head,
we might do W. And Cheney. Deﬁnitely Cheney. As long as we're
blindfolded. (But that's okay. Republicans are into that, too.)
*The author wishes to remain anonymous for fear of cutting off her supply.