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So much you ladies missed; so sad!!

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  • strangerangers1
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, you d think Democrats would be better in the sack, because they re usually, well…better human beings in general. Plus, they re so
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1, 2008
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      Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd think Democrats would be better in the sack,
      because they're usually, well…better human beings in general. Plus,
      they're so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about
      your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. "Is there
      anything you need?" they whimper. Oh, shutthefuckup! This is sex we're
      talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both
      sides of the aisle—and sometimes in the aisle—I am here to report that
      Republican men (except the closet cases) are infinitely better to have
      sex with. Here's why.
      A Republican man will never whine in the middle of the night—let alone
      in the middle of screwing you—about the girlfriend/wife/whatever he is
      "devastating" by sleeping with you. He just does it. It's all about
      him—he needs to be the best you ever had, and that can be a good thing
      if your getting off is contingent on his. He doesn't even stay for
      breakfast. (Though if you do make him breakfast, he is eternally
      grateful and will go down on you for another several hours.) One word:
      2. NO TEARS!
      A Republican man will never, ever cry. Not on election night (no
      matter what happens). Not when you're breaking up with him (what, you
      think he cared?). Not even when he's having "a problem I've never had
      before, really, I'm not kidding, I swear."
      I've dated Democrats whose nights have been ruined (forever!) due to
      some stupid-ass comment by Bill Frist on Hardball. I've watched them
      go all mopey, argue with the TV…and then their little weenies
      disappear. Not so with GOPers. Republicans, particularly when naked,
      do not want to sit around and talk about Social Security
      privatization. Or Iraq, for chrissake. Or why (oh, boo hoo, get over
      it!) Kerry lost. They don't even want to sit around naked and talk
      about George W. Bush. They just want you to sit on them.
      Republicans are happy to watch Jon Stewart with you. They think he's a
      riot. They don't parse every word he says in an effort to figure out if
      "The Huffington Post" will approve. They just laugh, pour another
      cocktail, and decide upon which couch they will fuck your brains out
      after the show.
      5. FOREPLAY
      Democrats often need something incredibly erotic—like Meet the
      Press—to get revved up, particularly on a Sunday morning (there are
      only so many sections of The New York Times). Republicans, on the
      other hand, don't even need Fox News to get it up. They understand
      that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy
      checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for
      the environment. And by the time they figure that out, we've all lost
      our erections.

      6. SIZE
      It is absolutely, positively, 100 percent true that Republicans have
      bigger dicks. Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of
      Republicans are much more likely to whip their dicks out during the
      cab ride back from dinner. (This is not an urban myth.) They are also
      more inclined to get started in the elevator, pin you against a wall,
      do you on the kitchen sink, wherever. Democrats bring jammies, spend
      at least twenty minutes prior to "sex time" doing God knows fucking
      what in the bathroom, and then emerge with a big grin that says:
      "After all I did for you supporting equal pay and abortion rights, the
      least you could do is make love to me." Democrats always think you owe
      them. Republicans, because they've never done a goddamn thing for you,
      have no such delusions.
      8. LARGESSE
      Republicans have great taste in restaurants and will never make the
      wussiest of pre-date proposals: "You pick." They understand that a
      woman wants a guy who knows how to pick a restaurant by himself. And
      who doesn't feel the need to tell you what Zagat said about it before
      you get there. A Republican also knows how to order wine without
      getting all prissy about it, never dissects the bill (they don't even
      look at it!), and will never, ever—ever—say, "Well, yes, I think
      that's fair; your half comes to $39.25, but you had one more drink
      than I did," if you offer to pay. They won't let you think about
      offering to pay. This is so sexy! The best part: There's never any
      guilt involved; we all know they got their tax break.
      Republicans will never send you group e-mails that consist of the
      entire text of Al Gore's last speech (that was "woefully
      underreported" but "I knew you'd want to read it in its entirety"). Or
      the sign-up sheet for Democracy in Action, or whatever the hell those
      weirdos from the Howard Dean campaign are up to now. Or forms to send
      your congressperson because something terrible is happening to some
      woman you don't know in Niger. (And you'd better send it to a hundred
      more friends or her labia will be removed tonight!!!) Nah. Republicans
      send e-mails that say: "I can't wait to eat your pussy."
      You will never hear a Republican say, "Let's just cuddle and read The
      New Yorker tonight." They understand you do not want reading materials
      in bed. You want a man.
      10.5. THE BIG CAVEAT
      Yes, Republicans are the better lay—but only the Republicans you've
      never heard of. The more prominent they are, the less fuckable they
      are. The opposite is true of Democrats. Think about it. Is there any
      woman on the face of the earth who wouldn't fuck Bill Clinton? (Didn't
      think so.) But with a gun to your head, could you even think of doing
      Santorum? DeLay? Lott? Yuck, yuck, yuck! Okay, with a gun to our head,
      we might do W. And Cheney. Definitely Cheney. As long as we're
      blindfolded. (But that's okay. Republicans are into that, too.)
      *The author wishes to remain anonymous for fear of cutting off her supply.
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