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Chokin the Chicken

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  • paul
    Freehold, Iowa - The Landover Conference of Deacons last week passed one of the most controversial resolutions of the church s 200-year history. The
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 26, 2008
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      Freehold, Iowa - The Landover Conference of Deacons last week passed
      one of the most controversial resolutions of the church's 200-year
      history. The organization has once again lessened restrictions on
      self-gratification. All church members know that the controversy on
      this issue reached a new height last year when Landover lowered the
      allowable age of masturbation to 65 for recent widowers. The church
      has revised that policy yet again. "We really had no choice," noted a
      tired and distraught Pastor Deacon Fred during a news conference held
      shortly after the decision was reached. "Last month, several
      middle-aged divorced men challenged the church policy. They claimed
      that because they can never remarry (since to do so would constitute
      adultery-Matthew 5:32), and because they cannot have non-marital sex
      (since fornication ensures eternity in Hell-1 Corinthians 6:9-10),
      they should at least be allowed to defile their bodies as a
      consolation. Needless to say, we put very little stock in the words
      of men who would put their wives away. But they challenged us to find
      any Bible verse prohibiting masturbation. After 72 hours of searching
      the Lord's Word, we came up empty-handed, if you'll pardon the
      expression. We even consulted 17th century Bible scholar, Brother
      Harry Hardwick, but he, too, could find nothing prohibiting
      flesh-pulling. Everyone knows that all Landover rules come straight
      from the Bible. We don't ignore the parts we don't like, as the John
      3:16 pseudo-Christians do, nor do we add to the Bible, like those
      Pope-loving Catholics."

      The new policy is not without its limitations, however. "While the
      Bible does not outlaw masturbation, it severely restricts the
      circumstances under which it may occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.
      The first restriction is that no Landover gentleman will be permitted
      to reach the stage of ejaculation. "The Bible is very clear that a
      man's seed is for copulation only," noted Pastor. "In fact, the Bible
      says that when Onan chose not to copulate and instead released his
      seed on the ground, God was so angry that he struck Onan dead (Genesis
      38:9-10). The last thing we need is some media scandal as reporters
      click photos of colored janitors removing corpses from Landover
      restrooms." Recognizing that a few men may err and sin by not
      stopping in time, the new policy requires all who decide to
      participate in the act to register with Pastor Deacon Fred. Specially
      made Tupperware seed-containers will be signed out of his office by
      Mrs. Watkins who will be keeping a record to guard against overuse.
      The sinner must catch his mistake in his numbered container before it
      reaches the ground. All containers are to be returned to Mrs. Watkins
      within one hour of check-out. The contents will be collected each
      week in a larger vat and provided to Mary Lou's Christian Salon where
      it will be used to treat dry, scaly skin.

      The second restriction is that no man will be permitted to have any
      sexual thoughts during the process. "The apostles told us repeatedly
      that Jesus forbids lust, since sex is for baby-making, not anxiety
      release," continued Pastor. "We are to 'abstain from fleshly lusts'
      (1 Peter 2:11) and 'flee also youthful lusts' (2 Timothy 2:22), for
      lust 'bringeth forth death' (James 1:15). And more to the point for
      those debauched divorcees, Matthew told us that 'whosoever looketh on
      a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in
      his heart' (Matthew 5:28). This means that masturbation of an erect
      organ can occur only if the erection is naturally-induced, such as by
      the morning sun or an overfilled bladder." Pastor Deacon Fred then
      concluded, "The only way to masturbate without lust is to keep your
      mind on Christ at all times."

      The new policy instantly drew the ire of countless Landover members.
      Longstanding church member, Mrs. Judy O'Christian, was incensed.
      Despite being a woman, Mrs. O'Christian was allowed to speak since the
      press conference was held outside the chapel. "As co-chairs of the
      Ladies of Landover Welcoming Committee, Sister Taffy and I have to
      greet all new church members," she pleaded. "This policy means we
      will have to destroy our silk gloves every time we shake hands with a
      male member . . . ah, church member, that is. Halston doesn't sell
      accessories in six-packs, you know."

      Pastor Deacon Fred attempted to assuage the ladies' concerns. "This
      policy will in no way open the floodgates, so to speak. Punishment
      for violations of the new restrictions will be swift and certain. The
      Bible says that if a part of our body offends us, we must cut it off
      (Matthew 5:29-30). Any man found to have engaged in sexual thoughts
      during the process, or to have reached full fruition without capturing
      the full emission, will have his organ severed and his preferred hand
      amputated. And every man will know that when that happens, his
      destiny is Hell, for as God told us: "He that is wounded in the stones
      or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the
      congregation of the Lord" (Deuteronomy 23:1). Rest assured, God
      takes no stock in the Satanic adage: "A bird in the hand is worth two
      in the bush.".
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