Chicks Dig Cults
- The other day, as I was forced to watch yet another of the many recent
news clips about Tom Cruise during a "news" break, I once again found
myself engulfed in a rage of petty jealousy over Tom's success and
wealth, coupled with my continuing intrigue over his voluntary
involvement with the "Church" of Scientology. Who knew that this
trivial "news" clip would lead me to the answer which would allow me
to fulfill my life-long dream? My dream of never working again; of
doing nothing but watching TV, smoking weed and having sex with hot
young girls. It may not be a noble dream, but it is my dream nonetheless.
Since that day, I have done extensive research on the subject of
Scientology. OK, I saw it on "South Park", but I did google it to
verify the facts. Without going into too much detail, Scientology is
actually based on the belief that the ghosts of space aliens, who were
murdered here on Earth millions of years ago (and were subsequently
brainwashed by being forced to watch movies a la A Clockwork Orange),
inhabit our bodies. It was after learning these facts that I had my
epiphany. If hundreds of thousands of people could be duped into
believing that the premise from a half-assed sci-fi story was actually
a religion, then why couldn't I start my own!?
I set to work immediately on my planning and strategizing. OK, I
googled "cults." And thanks to the wondrous information highway that
is the Internet, I came upon an outline for my dream a cult
checklist. I think this checklist was designed for people to use in
identifying and avoiding cults, but I see no reason why I can't use it
to be the first one on my block to have his very own cult. My cult
will be built around an irrefutable axiom that has been a constant for
as long as man has existed: Girls are insecure about their
appearances. No matter how hot a girl is, she is always secretly
focusing on her perceived shortcomings. By capitalizing on the
inherently low self-esteem of women, I will be well on my way to
realizing my lifelong ambitions!
Following are the checklist items and my plans to implement them:
The group is focused on a leader to whom members seem to display
excessively zealous commitment. I get to be the leader. It's my cult.
The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members. The only people
who will be able to join my cult will be women between the ages of 18
and 30. They must be attractive, pure of heart (i.e., disease-free)
and preferably Latin (I dig Spanish chicks). They must be entirely
devoted to ridding the world of chauvinist men who judge them by their
outer appearance and make them feel like lesser individuals. They must
be willing to accomplish this by depriving these men of any sex by
having sex with only myself (and others members of our cult). This
will be Stage One of our grand scheme: weaken the enemy by depriving
them of their need to use women as playthings. Also, through my
genuine affections, I will build my followers' self-esteem by showing
them that I love them for what's inside (namely me).
The Bong of Enlightenment
And joining will actually be a simple process. After meeting the age
and appearance criteria, all that will remain is to be baptized by a
load of sacred skeet and you're in.
The group is pre-occupied with making money. Now, weed doesn't grow on
trees (you know what I mean). The girls who will be members of my cult
will obtain our funding by working as strippers. This will serve a
dual purpose: a) allow us to fund our religious pursuits by taking
advantage of the evil men who objectify women and make them feel
insecure about themselves. It will be poetic justice that the
evil-doers will be the key to their ultimate undoing. And b) this will
motivate my flock to stay in good physical condition. Can't have a
cult full of fat bitches.
Questioning, doubt and dissent are discouraged or even punished. I'm
not about violence or punishment. That's not how I roll. Whenever a
member begins contemplating the rational behind our happy little sect,
I'll just pack another bowl and assuage her uncertainties.
Mind-numbing techniques (such as meditation and debilitating work) are
used to suppress doubts about the group and its leaders. Spend one day
at a gym watching obsessed weightlifters staring at themselves in
mirrors while screaming as they crank out that last rep and I think
you will agree that working out is a quite effective technique to rid
a person of individual thought. By enforcing a strict workout regimen,
my lovely lemmings will also stay in shape for their careers.
The group's leader is not accountable to any authorities. While I may
be able to convince a bunch of girls that I am the Messiah, I doubt
the DEA will buy into my faith. Accordingly, one my most important
rules will be that someone else always gets the weed.
She's buying (me) a stairway to heaven.
The group teaches that its supposedly exalted ends justify means that
members would not have considered before joining the group. I'm still
not sure what our ultimate goal will be, but it needs to be something
really big. How else am I going to get a throng of women to support
and have sex with me? It ain't gonna be my charm and good looks, I'll
tell you that.
The leadership induces guilt feelings in members in order to control
them. Whenever I sense a sister slipping, I can always subtly point
out a physical attribute that will reinforce her decision to be a part
of the cause. A simple "I love your child-bearing hips," and she'll be
snuggling back up to me like a pilot fish on a shark.
Well, I think I have all the bases covered. I don't have any concrete
stages after Stage One, but I'm counting on the weed to restrict all
rational thought to a minimum. I still need an ultimate goal for my
people to strive for, though. I'm thinking of something along the
lines of reaching "The Great Glorious Hole" in the sky where everyone
lives for eternity in peace and no one is judged on their appearances.
Not sure if that's enough though. Little help?