Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby. That is some
fan-fucking-tastic news. The baby is a girl and they named it Suri.
This calls for a Tom Cruise crazy outburst. What will it be this time?
How can he top his most recent episode; you know, when he joked about
eating the placenta?
He was actually baffled by the fact that people took his statement
seriously. Tom Cruise needs to understand that he is Tom Cruise. He
has been on a year-long crusade to prove that he is completely and
utterly out of his motherfucking mind. If you're going to act like a
raving idiot all the time, people are going to assume you are serious
when you start talking about munching on a placenta.
I know you are just a misunderstood soul, Tom. These damn alien
spirits keep making people say negative things about you. Dumb alien
spirits. I can't understand how people could be so very wrong about
you. Take the following three options for example. Two of the options
are facts about you, and one is a humorous "joke" delivered by you.
Anyone could tell the difference. Couldn't they?
A. You seriously believe that negative emotions are alien ghosts.
B. You want to eat a placenta.
C. You named your daughter Suri.
It's okay Maverick. So what if everyone thinks you are a fucking
lunatic? Big deal, you're rich as hell and can do whatever you want,
whenever you want. You have it made. I have more great news. Since you
are so busy with Mission: Impossible 3 and a new baby, I have taken
some time to narrow down your selection of godfather applicants for Suri.
I was sure to consider your Scientologist belief system and honor your
level of mental acuteness as well. No need to thank me, Tom. Just keep
doing crazy things so Pat O'Brien can talk about you and leave the
poor strippers alone.
Applicant 5: "Alien"/Mr. Spock (tie)
I can't make a list of "Tom Cruise Scientologist Godfather Applicants"
without including the alien that is referred to with the title
"Alien." I also need to throw Mr. Spock in there as well, because of
his resounding popularity. While I love most geek-ass things, I never
liked Star Trek too much. It always reminded me of a high-school play.
Neither of these guys will actually get the gig, so fuck it. These two
bastards can fight it out for fifth position. This ultimately means
that "Alien" would hold steady in the fifth slot. Star Trek sucks balls.
Applicant 4: Mork
He would definitely be able to entertain young Suri. That is because
Robin Williams is considered hilarious to people who shit their pants
and are yet to utilize fine motor skills. The major problem with the
Mork selection is the fact that Suri will eventually gain intelligence
as the years roll by. By the time she develops a third grade
intellect, she will probably crack under the pressure of constant
Robin Williams jokes.
Punching, kicking, shaving, and gutting will occur. Mork is a fucking
terrible idea. On second thought, let's open it up. "Alien" can
actually creep down to fourth.
Applicant 3: Alf
Daddy eats placentas. Alf eats cats. That is about the only solid
reason I can think of for Alf to be a good godfather candidate. That
still puts him above Robin Williams and Mr. Spock on the list. The
Alien's freaky ass could slide down to third by mutilating Alf. The
fact that he would not just be "Alien" anymore, but "Alien with Mr.
Spock, Robin Williams, and Alf guts in his teeth," awards him the cool
points to finally land a spot at number 3. And yes, I probably could
have found a normal picture of Alf, but this kid is just screaming to
Applicant 2: E.T.
An alien botanist would be an amazing godfather. He was so gentle and
loving. He was also able to do that sweet-ass thing when he got drunk
at home and Elliot felt the effects at school. That would be decent.
Fuck godfather, E.T. would be the best friend ever. You could get
wasted all the time and spare your body of any negative health
effects. E.T.'s bloody liver would flop out of his sphincter after a
couple weeks of partying with you. Then you could toss his ass in your
bike basket and fly around town. E.T. would be the greatest friend
ever. He would probably be better suited for the "Tom Cruise
Scientology Super Friends List," but he could be a damn good godfather
as well. Alien needs to back the fuck off.
Applicant 1: Darth Vader
(heavy breathing) I am your godfather."
Damn it, Tom, do you really even need time to decide? It is her destiny.