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Death Advice For Men

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  • paul
    Just about all of us have had our moments of self-doubt when we question the course our lives have taken. Let s face it, what teenager doesn t believe that
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 27, 2008
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      Just about all of us have had our moments of self-doubt when we
      question the course our lives have taken. Let's face it, what teenager
      doesn't believe that he/she will one day be rich and famous? Most of
      the time we fall short of the naive and unrealistic goals we set for
      ourselves back in adolescence. I think we should all take great
      comfort in the fact that at least we didn't overdose on drugs in a
      cheap San Fernando Valley hotel room at the age of 40 while performing
      as a member of the Ice Capades, like Christopher Bowman. At least we
      won't be forever remembered as the bad boy of figure skating. If the
      words "figure skating" are found anywhere in your obituary, you'd
      better pray there is no afterlife because you are going to get beat up
      as soon as you check in. Double down on that for "ice dancing."

      Besides swelling up my self-esteem, I have also learned a valuable
      lesson from Bowman's tragic demise: never die in a cheap hotel
      room--for any reason. I don't care if you threw yourself on a grenade
      to save a bunch of children; dying in a cheap hotel room is going to
      leave a stink on your good name no matter what--even if you don't have
      a good name. Throw one of the kiddies on the grenade instead. In fact,
      you'd better throw a couple of kids on the grenade because children
      are small and can't absorb shrapnel like adults. What a bunch of kids
      are doing in your cheap hotel room is the subject for another essay.

      If you are staying in a really nice hotel then feel free to
      participate in all of the high-risk activities you want: Overdose on
      drugs, cook up a batch of meth, or try to do some sort of Cirque du
      Soleil sex act. Put a rodent up your butt if for no other reason than
      to give the guys doing the autopsy something to talk about. If rich
      people do it, it's called eccentric, but if you are poor it's just
      creepy. If you are on a budget and are staying in a crappy hotel,
      don't fucking die, man. It's just too tacky. You have to be extremely
      careful if you are staying in a fleabag motel. Staying in shitty
      hotels is sort of like masturbation: Everyone does it, just don't get
      caught.

      There may actually be some benefits in being a member of the Ice
      Capades, but I'm not going to sit around and try to think of any. Are
      you kidding me? If you are down on your luck, or if you are just
      itching to perform in an ice skating show, do it under an assumed name
      and try not to croak while you are in their employ. Try to think about
      how your poor family will be embarrassed.

      I think overdosing on drugs is pretty gross but if that's how you want
      to check out, I won't talk you out of it. A lot of supposedly cool
      people died that way. Just do your reputation a favor and spring for a
      decent room for once in your life.

      John Scheck
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