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Fwd: Avenging Angel, oops.

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  • Freya
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 23, 2007
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      >Drunken Avenging Angel Strikes Pentacostal Preacher Stone Dead.
      >Moonshine Inebriated Messenger of God Misses Mark. Adulterer Escapes
      >Lightning Bolt, Preacher Falls Dead at Pulpit. Angel to be Demoted,
      >says Troubled God.
      >
      >Shanksville, GA, Dec. 23rd.--An avenging angel called down from
      >Heaven during a chaotic Saturday night "Holy Ghost Revival" to strike
      >a serial adulterer dead missed her mark, instead hurling a flaming
      >bolt of righteous lightning directly through the heaving chest of
      >Pentacostal Holiness Pastor Billy Jim Bob, causing the highly-
      >regarded house painter turned fundamentalist Bible preacher's instant
      >death.
      >
      >With Pastor Bob's smoldering body slumped over his small crossroad
      >church's pinewood pulpit, revival services continued well after
      >midnight, conducted by assistant pastor Deacon Bob Jim Billy.
      >
      >Funeral services for Pastor Bob were scheduled for this morning, with
      >now-Pastor Billy presiding.
      >
      >Angel Wobbly.
      >
      >The avenging angel who responded to Pastor Bob's invocation of God's
      >righteous wrath is reportedly a novice in her first tour of duty
      >wreaking earthly vengeance for infractions of almighty God's holy
      >laws, and was inexperienced with the volatility of refreshments often
      >served to Pentacostal congregations.
      >
      >Following the angel's sampling of the evening service's liquid
      >refreshments, she appeared to become unsteady on her feet, then
      >folded her wings to sit slumped in a pew next to members of the
      >Boacious family, who reported that the heavenly messenger appeared
      >disoriented, and to be mumbling incoherently about "these fuckin
      >crackers."
      >
      >The senior Boacious, Lewt, who had provided several jugs of the
      >evening's refreshments, took no offense, commenting that, "Our local
      >corn ain't to ever pilgim's taste," and is best, for beginners, "cut
      >with clear crick water and sipped real slow like." The visiting
      >angel apparently partook of refreshments at full strength.
      >
      >Adulterer Survives.
      >
      >At the revival service's emotional peak, Pastor Bob called upon God
      >to strike dead Mr. Ray Ray, a successful local business man whose
      >extra-marital conquests reportedly included Pastor Bob's own wife,
      >Camelia, two of Camelia's older sisters, three of Camelia's older
      >sisters' younger sisters, and City Councilwoman Cousin MayBelle,
      >Pastor Bob's first wife by marriage. Yet when the tipsy angel rose
      >to hurl her flaming lightning bolt, it was Pastor Bob himself who was
      >pierced through the heart, and fell dead. Mr. Ray Ray, seated in a
      >front pew with Pastor Bob's housekeeper's older sister's younger
      >sister's cousin, was uninjured.
      >
      >Angel Demoted.
      >
      >At press time, the avenging angel whose aim was tragically off the
      >mark was reportedly demoted from dealing death to authentic sinners
      >and reassigned to the U.S. Dept. of the Army's Afghanistan mobile
      >response unit, to assist shooting innocent civilians.
      >
      >--C. Williams, reporting from Shanksville for M-Atheists.
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