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President Expresses Support For Gonzales

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  • paul
    THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with nosy congressional Democrats over this hubbub about eight U.S. attorneys who recently exercised the mandatory
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 30, 2007
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      THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with nosy congressional
      Democrats over this hubbub about eight U.S. attorneys who recently
      exercised the mandatory option to "resign" (chuckles) and spend lots
      more time with their nagging wives and clingy, ill-behaved brats.

      Now apparently, those attorneys "serve at my pleasure" – which, to be
      honest, I always thought was only legal in certain counties in
      Nevada. Well if there's one thing that gives me pleasure, it's
      filling every single box on the Federal org chart – right down to
      post office janitors – with folks who'd sooner hurl themselves into a
      vat of boiling pig jizz before disagreeing with my perfect opinions.

      Truth is, one of the best things about being President is that when
      you arrive in Washington, you get to fire all those bureaucrat
      dorkuses who actually know how to do stuff, and replace them with
      your bestest buds – like fraternity brothers, dudes who used to work
      for your daddy and Uncle Nixon, and acne-pocked toadies who'll save
      your budding political career by wiping embarrassing drunk driving
      convictions off your record. (Thumbs Up.)

      Unfortunately, before me, Presidents did all their firings and
      hirings only at the beginning of their terms – which is stupid. And
      the American people understand that. If you hire an illegal Mexican
      to clean the leaves out of your gutter, and the lazy beaner spends
      half the day taking siesta on the clock, you shouldn't have to wait
      four years to call INS when he asks you to pay him! Well, these here
      attorneys were brought on to conduct partisan witch trials against my
      liberal enemies, and goddamn if they just weren't getting the job
      done. Some of them were even prosecuting... (winces) Republicans! So
      I told Karl and Berto to make them go bye-byes.

      But now, all of a sudden, Democrats have their tits in a wringer
      because I making changes mid-term? Sure, it might not be customary,
      but it isn't illegal. So how come everyone's freaking out? I mean, if
      this is how Democrats and the media are going to react from now on
      every time I do one of my signature moves that reek of creepy quasi-
      fascist blacklisting and slimeball self-preservation, the next two
      years are going to be plenty rocky.

      I'll tell ya – this here minor little scuffle that could plunge the
      government into a Constitutional crisis sure makes me miss ol' Iron
      Jowls himself, former Attorney General John Ashchrist. I mean, on one
      hand, Alberto Gonzales has been a lifetime enabler of my disdain for
      rule of law, and he is Hispanozoid, so I score cheap political points
      with stupid Mexican Americans who think Pickles speaking Mexicanese
      and Pickles being OK with a Desert Irishman getting all up in our
      daughter's guts are the same thing. But ol' Alberto isn't what you'd
      call a visionary. Nope. But John was, yessir. And that vision was
      supplied to him by Our Lord and Savior Himself. See, it was John who
      helped load the Patriot Act with all kinds of clauses that subvert
      the Constitution. Like the clause that lets me replace a US Attorney
      with interim cronies in the event that said US Attorney is killed by
      a terrorist nukethrax bomb... or in this case, is plagued by

      So I fired some lawyers. Everyone hates lawyers. Anyway, I'd much
      rather that folks be hearing about me giving the smackdown to a bunch
      of fancy-talking, Florsheim-wearing courtroom sissies than hearing
      other stuff, like news about all those 18 year-olds getting fed into
      the gaping maw of my Iraq ClusterfuckTM Death Machine. Or about all
      the ways that my administration actually BROKEN the law, instead of
      just bending that sucker until it creaks like a Gitmo prisoner's
      femur bone in a hardcore "stress position".

      That said, I respect the fact that Democrats now control Congress,
      and wield subpoena power. And by "respect", I mean, "lie awake
      staring at the ceiling in sweat-drenched horror." Which is why I'm
      making it a point to slyly pass the buck on these firings to my good
      pal Alberto Gonzales, by stating: "The announcement of this decision
      and the subsequent explanation of these changes has been confusing
      and, in some cases, incomplete. Neither the Attorney General, nor I
      approve of how these explanations were handled."

      Of course, since it was me who made Berto into the turbo-crony he is
      today, and since I am pathologically incapable of admitting error,
      let me just save some face and hedge my bets by also saying that
      Alberto Gonzales has my complete confidence. He is a good man. He has
      served his country – errrr, served his President well, and I will
      continue to support him.

      Right up until the moment it becomes politically untenable.

      And then I will stab him in his fat, burrito-filled gut.

      And roll his lifeless corpse into the Potomac.

      While crossing Taft Bridge.

      In my sweet-assed limo.

      Thank you.
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