President Expresses Support For Gonzales
- THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with nosy congressional
Democrats over this hubbub about eight U.S. attorneys who recently
exercised the mandatory option to "resign" (chuckles) and spend lots
more time with their nagging wives and clingy, ill-behaved brats.
Now apparently, those attorneys "serve at my pleasure" which, to be
honest, I always thought was only legal in certain counties in
Nevada. Well if there's one thing that gives me pleasure, it's
filling every single box on the Federal org chart right down to
post office janitors with folks who'd sooner hurl themselves into a
vat of boiling pig jizz before disagreeing with my perfect opinions.
Truth is, one of the best things about being President is that when
you arrive in Washington, you get to fire all those bureaucrat
dorkuses who actually know how to do stuff, and replace them with
your bestest buds like fraternity brothers, dudes who used to work
for your daddy and Uncle Nixon, and acne-pocked toadies who'll save
your budding political career by wiping embarrassing drunk driving
convictions off your record. (Thumbs Up.)
Unfortunately, before me, Presidents did all their firings and
hirings only at the beginning of their terms which is stupid. And
the American people understand that. If you hire an illegal Mexican
to clean the leaves out of your gutter, and the lazy beaner spends
half the day taking siesta on the clock, you shouldn't have to wait
four years to call INS when he asks you to pay him! Well, these here
attorneys were brought on to conduct partisan witch trials against my
liberal enemies, and goddamn if they just weren't getting the job
done. Some of them were even prosecuting... (winces) Republicans! So
I told Karl and Berto to make them go bye-byes.
But now, all of a sudden, Democrats have their tits in a wringer
because I making changes mid-term? Sure, it might not be customary,
but it isn't illegal. So how come everyone's freaking out? I mean, if
this is how Democrats and the media are going to react from now on
every time I do one of my signature moves that reek of creepy quasi-
fascist blacklisting and slimeball self-preservation, the next two
years are going to be plenty rocky.
I'll tell ya this here minor little scuffle that could plunge the
government into a Constitutional crisis sure makes me miss ol' Iron
Jowls himself, former Attorney General John Ashchrist. I mean, on one
hand, Alberto Gonzales has been a lifetime enabler of my disdain for
rule of law, and he is Hispanozoid, so I score cheap political points
with stupid Mexican Americans who think Pickles speaking Mexicanese
and Pickles being OK with a Desert Irishman getting all up in our
daughter's guts are the same thing. But ol' Alberto isn't what you'd
call a visionary. Nope. But John was, yessir. And that vision was
supplied to him by Our Lord and Savior Himself. See, it was John who
helped load the Patriot Act with all kinds of clauses that subvert
the Constitution. Like the clause that lets me replace a US Attorney
with interim cronies in the event that said US Attorney is killed by
a terrorist nukethrax bomb... or in this case, is plagued by
So I fired some lawyers. Everyone hates lawyers. Anyway, I'd much
rather that folks be hearing about me giving the smackdown to a bunch
of fancy-talking, Florsheim-wearing courtroom sissies than hearing
other stuff, like news about all those 18 year-olds getting fed into
the gaping maw of my Iraq ClusterfuckTM Death Machine. Or about all
the ways that my administration actually BROKEN the law, instead of
just bending that sucker until it creaks like a Gitmo prisoner's
femur bone in a hardcore "stress position".
That said, I respect the fact that Democrats now control Congress,
and wield subpoena power. And by "respect", I mean, "lie awake
staring at the ceiling in sweat-drenched horror." Which is why I'm
making it a point to slyly pass the buck on these firings to my good
pal Alberto Gonzales, by stating: "The announcement of this decision
and the subsequent explanation of these changes has been confusing
and, in some cases, incomplete. Neither the Attorney General, nor I
approve of how these explanations were handled."
Of course, since it was me who made Berto into the turbo-crony he is
today, and since I am pathologically incapable of admitting error,
let me just save some face and hedge my bets by also saying that
Alberto Gonzales has my complete confidence. He is a good man. He has
served his country errrr, served his President well, and I will
continue to support him.
Right up until the moment it becomes politically untenable.
And then I will stab him in his fat, burrito-filled gut.
And roll his lifeless corpse into the Potomac.
While crossing Taft Bridge.
In my sweet-assed limo.