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New Rules For 2007

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  • strangerangers1
    New Rule: Don t eat anything that s served to you out a window unless you re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
    Message 1 of 2 , Dec 31, 2006
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      New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
      you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
      was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
      dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

      New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
      blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
      for these kids: lucky bastards.

      New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
      you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
      If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

      New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
      about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

      New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
      aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
      taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
      flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
      your flavored water.

      New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
      redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
      top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
      open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
      just solved the Social Security crisis.

      New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
      asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-
      soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
      extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
      you're a huge asshole.

      New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
      card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
      deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
      kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
      Almond Joy.

      New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
      doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
      And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
      anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
      You're not spiritual. You're just high.

      New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
      deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
      Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
      too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
      They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

      New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
      M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

      New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
      old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
      a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
      remember the reason something was a television show in the first
      place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

      New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
      weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
      rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
      for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

      New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
      After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
      just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
      to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
      your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

      New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
      months. "27 1/2 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not
      cheese And I didn't really care in the first place.
    • Dennis G. Wicks
      These should be Constitutional Amendments!
      Message 2 of 2 , Dec 31, 2006
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        These should be Constitutional Amendments!
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