Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.


Expand Messages
  • strangerangers1
    Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages. I don t know if God exists, but it would be
    Message 1 of 3 , Jun 15, 2006
    • 0 Attachment
      Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church
      ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

      I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His
      reputation if He didn't.
      (Jules Renard, french writer, 1864-1910)

      It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother
      me, it is the parts that I do understand.
      (Mark Twain, american writer and humorist, 1835-1910)

      A theologian is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a
      black cat which isn't there - and finding it!

      Jesus' last words on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou
      forsaken me?" hardly seem like the words of a man who planned it
      that way. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure there is
      something wrong here.
      (Donald Morgan)

      This would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no
      religion in it.
      (John Adams, second president of the U.S., 1735-1826)

      Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in
      veneration -- courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and, above
      all, love of the truth.
      (Henry Louis Mencken, amerikan journalist, critic and essayist, 1880-

      The sailor does not pray for wind, he learns to sail.
      (Gustaf Lindborg)

      Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
      the garage makes you a car.
      (Albert Schweitzer, german theologian, philosopher and medical
      missionary, 1875-1965)

      Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason
      and common sense.
      (Voltaire, french writer and philosopher, 1694-1778)

      The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
      (Delos B. McKown)

      The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next.

      Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
      (Aldous Huxley, english novelist, essayist and critic, 1894-1963)

      The world holds two classes of men - intelligent men without
      religion, and religious men without intelligence.
      (Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri, 973-1057)

      To explain the unknown by the known is a logical procedure; to
      explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy.
      (David Brooks)

      The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the
      point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
      (George Bernard Shaw, irish writer, 1856-1950)

      To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as
      to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin.
      ( Cardinal Bellarmine, 1615, during the trial of Galileo Galileo)

      I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed
      us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their
      (Galileo Galilei)

      Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.
      (Napoleon Bonaparte)

      The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a
      wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.
      (Mark Twain, american writer and humorist, 1835-1910)

      If all the historic books of the Bible were blotted from the memory
      of mankind, nothing of value would be lost..
      (Robert Ingersoll)

      Religion is a monumental chapter in the history of human egotism.
      (William James, 1842-1910)

      Philosophy is questions that may never be answered.
      Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

      If the Bible is mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can
      we trust it to tell us where we're going?
      (Justin Brown)

      When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
      the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we
      opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
      (Bishop Desmond Tutu)

      The Christian lives in a nightmare and thinks it is a pleasant

      If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children
      would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead
      of crosses
      (Lenny Bruce)

      The first requisite for the happiness of the people is the abolition
      of religion.
      (Karl Marx)

      Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the
      occurrence of the impossible.
      (H.L. Mencken)

      Religion is the opiate of the masses.
      (Karl Marx)

      The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the
      first one was useless.

      Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the
      (Thomas Paine)

      In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
      reality at any point.
      (Friedrich Nietzsche)

      The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral
      was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the
      view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is
      regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological
      facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration.
      The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made
      Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards
      mental disorders and unwholesome views of life.
      (Bertrand Russell)

      Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows.
      (Robert G. Ingersoll)

      The Christian god can easily be pictured as virtually the same god
      as the many ancient gods of past civilizations. The Christian god is
      a three headed monster; cruel, vengeful and capricious. If one
      wishes to know more of this raging, three headed beast-like god, one
      only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him.
      They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites.
      (Thomas Jefferson)

      History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
      i.e., none to speak of.
      (Lazarus Long)

      I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great intrinsic
      depravity, the one great instinct for revenge for which no expedient
      is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, petty -- I call it
      the one mortal blemish of mankind.
      (Friedrich Nietzsche)

      Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
      Western religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental
      characteristic of Western science.
      (Gary Zukav)

      Religion is something left over from the infancy of our
      intelligence; it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as
      our guidelines.
      (Bertrand Russell)

      A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did
      on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
      (Thomas Ybarra)

      The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I
      could never give assent to the long complicated statements of
      Christian dogma.
      (Abraham Lincoln)

      So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
      praise of intelligence.
      (Bertrand Russell)

      A religion which requires persecution to sustain it is of the
      devil's propagation.
      (Hosea Ballou)

      Nothing shocks me more in the men of religion and their flocks than
      their pretensions to be the only religious people.
      (Jean Guehenno)

      Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a flea, yet he makes gods
      by the dozens.
      (Michel De Montaigne)

      Faith is believing in something you know ain't true.
      (Samuel Clemens alias Mark Twain)

      I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god
      than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other
      possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
      (Stephen Roberts)

      There are matters in the Bible, said to be done by the express
      commandment of God, that are shocking to humanity and to every idea
      we have of moral justice....
      (Thomas Paine)

      To hate man and worship god seems to be the sum of all the creeds.
      (Robert G. Ingersoll)

      People fashion their God after their own understanding. They make
      their God first and worship him afterwards.
      (Oscar Wilde)

      If God has spoken, why is the world not convinced.
      (Percy Bysshe Shelley, English poet,1792-1822)

      Threw a wooden image of a god into a fire, remarking that the deity
      should perform another miracle and save itself
      (Diagoras of Melos, Greek poet, 5th cent. BC)

      ...if I were not an atheist, I would believe in a God who would
      choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their lives
      and not the pattern of their words. I think he would prefer an
      honest and righteous atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is
      God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul."
      (Isaac Asimov)

      A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to
      religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a
      ruler whom they consider godfearing and pious. On the other hand,
      they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods
      on his side.
      (Aristotle, 384-322 BC)

      'Theocracy' has always been the synonym for a bleak and narrow, if
      not a fierce and blood-stained tyranny.
      (William Archer, 1667-1735)

      The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature
      shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings
      shall rule it by fictitious miracles.
      (John Adams)

      Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is
      the only animal that has the True Religion- several of them. He is
      the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his
      throat if his theology isn't straight.
      (Mark Twain)

      Almost everyone who has read history in a more than casual manner
      knows that when the great figure of God appears in a controversy,
      the shooting cannot be far off.
      (Stewart H. Holbrook)

      The Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history.
      (Noam Chomsky)

      Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific
      Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it.
      ... Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory.
      (Rev. Jimmy Swaggart)

      Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or
      a dose of common sense.
      (Chapman Cohen)

      The real cause of personal existence is not the favor of the
      Almighty, but the sexual love of one's earthly parents.
      (Ernst Heinrich Haeckel)

      The near to the church, the further from God.
      (John Heywood)

      Take man's most fantastic invention - God. Man invents God in the
      image of his longings, in the image of what he wants to be, then
      proceeds to imitate that image, vie with it, and strive to overcome
      (Eric Hoffer)

      God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the
      miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind
      of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos; He will set the
      above their betters. (H.L. Mencken)

      If Atheism is a religion, then health is a disease!
      (Clark Adams)

      Sensible men no longer belive in miracles; they were invented by
      priests to humbug the peasants.
      (Alfonso the Wise, King of Castile,1226-1284)

      No actual tyrant known to history has ever been guilty of one-
      hundredth of the crimes, massacres, and other atrocities attributed
      to the Deity in the Bible.
      (Steve Allen)

      To have a positive religion is not necessary. To be in harmony with
      yourself and the universe is what counts, and this is possible
      without positive and specific formulation in words.
      (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

      Everything has a natural explanation. The moon is not a god but a
      great rock and the sun a hot rock.
      (Anaxagorus, . 475 BC)

      There are ten church members by inheritance for every one by

      Practical religion consists in doing good: and the only way of
      serving God is that of endeavoring to make His creation happy. All
      preaching that has not this for its object is nonsense and
      (Thomas Paine)

      I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do
      because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
      (Susan B. Anthony)

      So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all
      these fairy tales, that "evil" woman convinced the man to eat the
      apple, but the apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the
      punishment that was then handed down, the woman gets to bleed and
      the guy's got to go to work, is the result of a man desiring,
      because his woman suggested that it would be a good idea, that he
      get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property and domain of
      God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an antiintellectual
      religion. You never want to be that smart. If you're a woman, it's
      going to be running down your leg, and if you're a guy, you're going
      to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a
      dumb fuck and you'll all go to heaven. That's the subtext of
      (Frank Zappa)

      ...any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the
      mind of a child cannot be a true system
      (Thomas Paine)

      Clearly the person who accepts the Church as an infallible guide
      will believe whatever the Church teaches.
      (Thomas Aquinas, 1225-1274, Summa Theologica)

      Fanaticism in religion is the alliance of the passions she condemns
      with the dogmas she professes.
      (Lord Acton)

      The blackest billingsgate, the most ungentlemanly insolence, the
      most yahooist brutality, is patently endured, countenanced,
      propagated, and applauded. But touch a solemn truth in collision
      with the dogma of a sect, though capable of the clearest proof, and
      you will soon find you have disturbed a nest, and the hornets will
      swarm about your eyes and hand, and fly into your face and eyes.
      (John Adams)

      I suggest that the anthropomorphic god-idea is not a harmless
      infirmity of human thought, but a very noxious fallacy, which is
      largely responsible for the calamities the world is at present
      (William Archer, 'Theology and War')

      Christianity is the most ridiculous, the most absurd, and bloody
      religion that has ever infected the world.
      (Voltaire, french author and playwright, 1694-1778)

      If you were taught that elves caused rain, every time it rained,
      you'd see the proof of elves.

      We are always making God are accomplice, that so we may legalize our
      own iniquities.
      (Henri Frederic Amiel)

      'In God We Trust.' I don't believe it would sound any better if it
      were true.
      (Samuel Clemens alias Mark Twain, american autho,1835-1910)

      All the biblical miracles will at last disappear with the progress
      of science.
      (Matthew Arnold, 1822-1888)

      The earth is flat, and anyone who disputes this claim is an atheist
      who deserves to be punished.
      (Muslim religious edict, 1993 Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz Supreme
      religious authority, Saudi Arabia)

      "It is fear that first brought Gods into the world.
      (Gallus Petronius, Roman courtier and wit)

      Every sensible man, every honorable man, must hold the Christian
      sect in horror.
      (Voltaire, french author and playwright, 1694-1778)

      ". . . you will certainly grant me that neither antiquity nor
      whatever nation has devised a more repulsive and blasphemous
      absurdity than that of eating your God. This is the most disgusting
      dogma of Christian religion, the greatest insult to the Highest
      Being, the climax of madness and insanity." (Frederick the Great,
      Prussian king, 1712-1786, from a letter to Voltaire 1776)

      Only the fool says in his heart: There is no god -- The wise says it
      to the world

      Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries
      (sinnlichen Ausschweifungen), the cruel and torturous executions,
      the unrelenting vindictiveness (unverminderte Rachsucht) with which
      more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent
      (übereinstimmend) that we called it the word of a demon than the
      word of God. It . . . has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind
      (Thomas Paine)

      Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies.
      (Thomas Jefferson)

      Whenever I think of how religion started, I picture some frustrated
      old man making out a list of all the ways he could gain power,
      until he finally came up with the great solution of constant fear
      and guilt, then he leaped up and started planning a new wardrobe.
      (Steve Blake)

      All religions have been made by men.
      (Napoleon Bonaparte, french emperor, 1769-1821)

      When he that speaks, and he to whom he speaks, neither of them
      understand what is meant, that is metaphysics.
      (Voltaire, french author and playwright, 1694-1778)

      To be an atheist requires an indefinitely greater measure of faith
      than to receive all the great truths which atheism would deny.
      (Joseph Addison)

      I know of no other books that so fully teach the subjection and
      degradation of women.
      (Elizabeth Cady Stanton, American suffragist 1815-1902 about the

      Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and
      remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography
      that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and
      leading by contrast.
      (Samuel Clemens alias Mark Twain, american autho,1835-1910)

      It has been discovered that the man who was lost in thought was not
      a church member. (Lemuel K. Washburn)

      Man is the product of causes which had no prevision of the end they
      were achieving; his origin, his growth, his hopes and fears, his
      loves and beliefs, are but the outcome of accidental collocations of
      atoms; no fire, no heroism, no intensity of though and feeling, can
      preserve an individual life beyond the grave.
      (Bertrand Russell, 1872-1970, "Why I Am Not a Christian")
    • myqel1960@aol.com
      HELL I read in the Gospels that Jesus forgave the men who nailed him to the cross. He even promised, “This day you shall be with me in paradise,” to a
      Message 2 of 3 , Jun 18, 2006
      • 0 Attachment

        I read in the Gospels that Jesus forgave the men who nailed him to the

        He even promised, “This day you shall be with me in paradise,” to a thief
        crucified next to him--a thief who addressed Jesus simply as a “man” rather
        than as “the son of God.”

        Yet, today, this same Jesus cannot forgive my kindly old aunt and allow her
        to dwell in paradise, simply because her “beliefs” do not match Reverend

        Arthur Silver

        They say that when god was in Jerusalem he forgave his murderers, but now he
        will not forgive an honest man for differing with him on the subject of the

        They say that God says to me, “Forgive your enemies.” I say, “I do;” but
        he says, “I will damn mine.” God should be consistent. If he wants me to
        forgive my enemies he should forgive his. I am asked to forgive enemies who can
        hurt me. God is only asked to forgive enemies who cannot hurt him. He
        certainly ought to be as generous as he asks us to be.

        Robert Ingersoll

        When all has been considered, it seems to me to be the irresistible
        intuition that infinite punishment for finite sin would be unjust, and therefore
        wrong. We feel that even weak and erring Man would shrink from such an act. And
        we cannot conceive of God as acting on a lower standard of right and wrong.

        Lewis Carroll (author of Alice in Wonderland), “Eternal Punishment,”
        Diversions and Digressions of Lewis Carroll

        It is strange to me that people can consign others to hell without a
        scruple. One only has to remember a toothache, not to wish it eternally on anyone.

        Lucy Daugalis (daugalis@...)

        Given headaches, backaches, toothaches, strains, scrapes, breaks, cuts,
        rashes, burns, bruises, PMS, fatigue, hunger, odors, molds, colds, yeast,
        parasites, viruses, cancers, genetic defects, blindness, deafness, paralysis, mental
        illness, ugliness, ignorance, miscommunications, embarrassments, unrequited
        love, dashed hopes, boredom, hard labor, repetitious labor, accidents, old
        age, senility, fires, floods, earthquakes, typhoons, tornadoes, hurricanes and
        volcanoes, I can not see how anyone, after they are dead, deserves “eternal
        punishment” as well.


        When I was a boy I heard tell of an old farmer in Vermont. He was dying. The
        minister was at his bedside--asked him if he was a Christian, if he was
        prepared to die. The old man answered that he had made no preparation, that he
        was not a Christian, that he had never done anything but work. The preacher
        said that he could give him no hope unless he had faith in Christ, and that if
        he had no faith his soul would certainly be lost.

        The old man was not frightened. He was perfectly calm. In a weak and broken
        voice he said, “Mr. Preacher, I suppose you noticed my farm. My wife and I
        came here more than fifty years ago. We were just married. It was a forest then
        and the land was covered with stones. I cut down the trees, burned the logs,
        picked up the stones, and laid the walls. My wife spun and wove and worked
        every moment. We raised and educated our children--denied ourselves. During
        all these years my wife never had a good dress, or a decent bonnet. I never had
        a good suit of clothes. We lived on the plainest food. Our hands, our bodies
        are deformed by toil. We never had a vacation. We loved each other and the
        children. That is the only luxury we ever had. Now I am about to die and you
        ask me if I am prepared. Mr. Preacher, I have no fear of the future, no terror
        of any other world. There may be such a place as hell--but if there is, you
        never can make me believe that it’s any worse than old Vermont.”

        Robert Ingersoll, “Why I Am An Agnostic”

        Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not
        hatred or wrath, “casting” billions of people into a “lake of fire whose smoke
        rises up forever,” because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules.
        Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love
        that is contingent upon authority, punishment or reward. True love is respect
        and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid
        human being.

        Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist [Edited by

        Jesus loves you unconditionally, and if you do not believe it you will when
        you are in hell.

        Source unknown

        According to Christianity eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’
        s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, believe or die. “
        Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”

        Bill Hicks (comedian), Rant in E-minor, CD

        As a tot I was given the usual terrifying mixed message: a) God is love; and
        b) If you don’t believe how much he loves you, you will stand in the corner
        for eternity.

        James Lileks, “God Has Call Waiting,” Notes of a Nervous Man

        Any religion that teaches there is only heaven or hell
        is gonna be a haven for manic-depressives.


        Do I believe in eternal punishment? Hell no. I always believed God could get
        his revenge in far less time.

        Robert Ingersoll

        God recently remodeled hell. He replaced the flames of eternal damnation
        with a microwave. Now, instead of taking forever, His revenge is complete in
        seconds. The only hard part is hanging on while the plate rotates.


        An idea, which has terrified millions, claims that some of us will go to a
        place called Hell, where we will suffer eternal torture. This does not scare
        me because, when I try to imagine a Mind behind this universe, I cannot
        conceive that Mind, usually called “God,” as totally mad. I mean, guys, compare
        that “God” with the worst monsters you can think of--Adolph Hitler, Joe
        Stalin, that sort of guy. None of them ever inflicted more than finite pain on
        their victims. Even de Sade, in his sado-masochistic fantasy novels, never
        devised an unlimited torture. The idea that the Mind of Creation (if such exists)
        wants to torture some of its critters for endless infinities of infinities
        seems too absurd to take seriously. Such a deranged Mind could not create a mud
        hut, much less the exquisitely mathematical universe around us.

        If such a monster-God did exist, the sane attitude would consist of
        practicing the Buddhist virtue of compassion. Don’t give way to hatred: try to
        understand and forgive him. Maybe He will recover his wits some day.

        Robert Anton Wilson, “Cheerful Reflections on Death and Dying,” Gnoware,
        February 1999

        Conservative Christian theologians teach that if you make the wrong choice
        and believe the wrong thing, you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That’s
        not a “choice,” it’s more like a man telling his girlfriend, do what you
        wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains
        out. When a man says this we call him a psychopath.

        William C. Easttom II [Edited by E.T.B]

        Some Christians argue that eternal hell should be viewed as “God’s great
        compliment.” But if hell is a “compliment,” what does God do when he wants to “
        insult” someone?

        Others argue that hell is a “loving provision,” a place where non-Christian
        souls are safe from the pain they would feel if they were exposed to God’s
        presence. Such apologists for “a kinder, gentler hell” seem to have forgotten
        their own Bible where it says Jesus visited hell and preached to the souls
        there. So apparently God can “tone down” His presence at will, becoming “Jesus
        ” who mingled with “sinners and wine-bibbers” in Judea and Galilee, as well
        as preached to “souls in hell.” If Catholics and Lutherans are right, God
        can even put His “presence” in communion wafers. And most people can eat even
        a consecrated communion wafer without it burning their tongues (unless the
        person happens to have a strong allergic reaction to wheat).

        By the way, those Christians who are willing to question the notion of a
        firey retributive hell lit by God’s jealousy and anger, should also take their
        questioning to the next level and ask why “hell” needs to be any worse than
        this world? We have pain and sickness here, we suffer here, but there is also
        room for healing, growth and education, and speaking of education, what
        better teachers could there be than God and time?


        There are in fact so many strong Biblical, doctrinal, and logical arguments
        against the existence of a literal hell that this question naturally arises:
        Why do the churches teach it and why do people often believe it?...The
        churches tend to believe that fear, rather than love conquers all.

        Robert Short, Methodist clergyman, U.S. Catholic, April 1980

        Primates often have trouble imagining a universe not run by an angry alpha

        Any infinite Being who feels it is their duty to torture me for eternity,
        should switch to decaf.


        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • strangerangers1
        Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa s right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil s got a point about the machinery of
        Message 3 of 3 , Oct 31, 2006
        • 0 Attachment
          Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America
          being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the
          machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
          -Homer The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath The Crepes of Wrath
          We Welcome Other Faiths (just kidding)
          -Church Sign The Simpsons: Co-Dependent's Day alt.tv.simpsons
          Well huzzah, huzzah. I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my
          britches with delight.
          -Mr. Burns The Simpsons, C.E. D'OH!
          My polite indignation knows no bounds!
          -Apu The Simpsons
          It's craptacular.
          -Bart Simpson The Simpsons
          Time to repress another memory.
          -Bart Simpson The Simpsons
          Fall into the flavor hole.
          -Buzz Cola slogan. The Simpsons Springfield.ru
          Won't somebody please think about the children?
          -Helen Lovejoy The Simpsons
          Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons
          I admit it, I screwed up. I won't feel guilty until I can put a
          human face on this.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons
          I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved
          there's no god.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons
          Who made you Judge Judy and executioner?
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons
          Uh oh, here comes the Gospel according to puke.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Co-Dependent's Day
          This inner peace stuff is tough on the ol' coconut.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Homer Says
          I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha - I love you all!
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Homer Says
          It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Homer Says
          Do I know what "rhetorical" means?!
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Homer Says
          No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta
          been out taking a whizz.
          -Homer Simpson The Simpsons Homer Says
          I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind
          them that as a trusted TV personality I could be helpful in rounding
          up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
          -Kent Brockman The Simpsons TV Tome - Deep Space Homer
          The years I lobbied to be treated as an adult have blown up in my
          -Lisa Simpson The Simpsons
          Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose Smithers,
          we're going in.
          -Mr. Burns The Simpsons
          I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.
          -Springfield power plant worker The Simpsons
          Born Free, Then Caged
          -Springfield Wild Animal Park The Simpsons Screaming Yellow
          Dig your own grave and save!
          -Troy McLure video The Simpsons
          This is the west, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the
          -Maxwell Scott The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance Liberty
          Valance Quotes
          You know those mornings that you just can't get out of bed, and you
          call in sick, if you had a job.
          -Bruce McCulloch The Kids in the Hall The Terrier Song
          "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." We gladly feast on those who
          would subdue us. Not just pretty words.
          -Morticia The Addams Family credo.
          Best viewed with telnet to port 80.
          -some image gallery Telnet is one of the oldest network
          protocols. Shane's Image Gallery
          Suck out the poison. Quick.
          -Weebl Talking to Bob after he got bit by a cow. Weebl and
          Bob: Cows
          If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.
          -Management Statment usually directed at mimimum wage workers.
          Mission Accomplished
          -George W Bush Stated at the end of major combat operations
          in Iraq May 1, 2003. Mission Accomplished Speech
          So I met a guy today named Joe.... He said, by allowing businesses
          to expense up to $75,000, it means somebody is more likely to buy a
          copying machine, or in this case, an architectural fancy machine.
          -George W Bush St. Louis, Jan. 22 BartCop
          You are a blinding brilliant light from heaven.
          -Will Ferrell as James Lipton SNL parody of "Inside the
          Actor's Studio" SNL Transcripts
          From your kitchen, to your piehole. From your piehole, to your
          -Maya Rudolph as D. Versace SNL Commercial for 'Donetella
          Pockets' SNL Reviews
          Ah, the joys of mortgaging your future.
          -Bart Simpson Sittng under a tree by a creek during school.
          The Boy Who Know Too Much
          Oh, I'll stop sucking. Later.
          -Stark Richdale, Megatronics Simpsons Ep 1410, C.E. D'oh!
          Woah! Hey! It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
          -Captain Murphy Sea Lab 2012 Sea Lab 2012 Quotes
          I wish I had a dollar for how happy I feel.
          -Mel Brooks Said at an acceptance speech honoring him.
          Wikipedia: Mel Brooks
          Two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it.
          [colloquialism] Rough translation, "Shit happens, but we
          carry on."
          Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
          -Sarah Morton Repeating a favorite saying of her book
          publisher. The Swimming Pool Quotes
          Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the
          illiteracy level of our children are appalling.
          -George W Bush Remarks by the President to the U.S.
          Conference of Mayors The White House Website
          A nightmarish Orwellian dystopia of forced conformity.
          -Ed Helmsley, The Daily Show Referring to a loyalty oath
          enforced by the Bush campaign.
          No point in steering now.
          -Doug McKenzie Realizing his brakes have been cut. Tom's
          Strange Brew Quotes
          Don't ameliorate, defenestrate.
          -Trixie Rather than make it better, throw it out the window.
          Trixie's User Page
          I am your infant overlord. Surrender now or I'll poop on your lap.
          -Stewie Griffin Random quote from the Official Family Guy
          Website Family Guy
          Sadly, now there can be but one outcome.
          -Darrell Hammond Quoting the nature channel when a weakened
          animal strays from the pack.
          Just making sure we're all petting the same dog.
          -Junkmaster Proposed replacment for 'Making sure we're all on
          the same page.'
          And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and
          listen to what I have to say.
          -George W Bush President Holds Press Conference The White
          House Website
          Powered by velleity.
          -Junkmaster Powered by an urge or desire too slight to compel
          one into action. Dictionary.com
          F:\ .exe
          -hairy_axe_wound Posted to the Pie Board User Page for
          Thank you for not discussing the outside world.
          -Sign Posted outside the Springfield Retirement Community.
          Simpsons Archive
          When you're a one man band, nobody gets hurt.
          -Phil Harman Playing Frank Sinatra SNL Transcripts
          Each share evokes a homey sophistication and a pantload of East
          Hampton class.
          -Martha Stewart Played by Ana Gasteyer of SNL
          F Censorship
          -Bonnie McFarlane One Night Stand: Bonnie McFarlane HBO: One
          Night Stand
          Uh huh. OK. Hmm. Well, do you have any idea when you will release it
          from prison?
          -GYWO Players On the phone with Fidel Castro about a
          lost 'Book of Virtues'. Get Your War On pt. 24
          Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take
          a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.
          -Lawrence Office Space IMDB Office Space Quotes
          I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could
          -Peter Gibbons Office Space IMDB Office Space Quotes
          Exterminate all rational thought. That is the conclusion I have come
          -Bill Lee Naked Lunch Naked Lunch Memorable Quotes
          The Zone takes care of its own.
          -Bill Lee Naked Lunch Naked Lunch Quotes
          Sorry, We are Open
          -Sign in Cabo San Lucas. Must be a language thing.
          Dribbleglass Images
          What we call evil is simply ignorance bumping its head in the dark.
          -Henry Ford March 16, 1930
          Too many Divas, not enough stage.
          [colloquialism] Loose translation, "The egos involved are
          too big for the space allotted."
          The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small
          nations like prostitutes.
          -Stanley Kubrick June 5, 1963
          We love pie...
          -Juul It's true. Juul
          I believe the children are our future, unless we stop them now!
          -Homer Simson Interviewing to be a guard for a juvenile
          Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein affe-mienke!
          -Dieter Interviewing Karl-Heinz Shelkar on the show
          Sprockets. SNL Transcripts: Sprockets
          The Site: http://www.milkandcookies.com/ is categorized by N2H2 as:
          Tasteless/Gross, Jokes, Profanity.
          -N2H2 Internet filtering software company. N2H2 URL Checker
          Sir, we've tried everything else to get your computer to work. I am
          a afraid there is only one solution left. Reboot with your pants down.
          -Matt M. He would mute the phone and say this when we worked
          in Tech Support.
          For four years George W. Bush has used the power of words to
          overcome insurmountable facts.
          -The Daily Show Skit George W. Bush: Words Speak Louder than
          Actions The Daily Show
          Interesting. No wait, the other thing: tedious.
          -Bender Futurama Jurassic Bark
          Mind numbingly interesting.
          -Bender Futurama Love and Rocket
          Knowing which pickup lines fizzle, and which ones sizzle, keeps us
          on the cutting edge of flirtation technology.
          -Gwen, CEO of Romaticorp Futurama Love and Rocket
          Monday Monkey lives for the weekend.
          -Leela Futurama The Cryonic Woman
          All power to the engines.
          -Members of the Church of Trek Futurama Where No Fan Has Gone
          In a few moments the power of ten billion black holes will smush
          Bender and me together into a beautiful eternal quantum singularity.
          -Planet Express Ship Futurama Love and Rocket
          Not a substitute for human interaction.
          -Tagline Futurama The Cryonic Woman
          For your glory walks hand in hand with your doom.
          -Thetis From the movie Troy. Memorable Quotes from Troy
          When diet and exercise isn't enough, doctor-prescribed medications
          may be warranted.
          - From an article on hypertension. Thrifty Foods
          My Other Car is your Ass
          -Vice Magazine From a list of made up porn titles. Vice
          Magazine: Skinema
          I oppress myself, so I deconstruct myself.
          -Larry Wall Freak and creator of the Perl programming
          language. Perl State of the Onion 2003
          Policy makers take data. They interpret threat. They assess risk.
          They put urgency behind it, and sometimes it doesn't uniquely comport
          with every word of an intelligence estimate.
          -CIA Director George J. Tenet Explaining Iraq war
          intelligence to the Senate Armed Services Committee. Guerrilla News:
          March 9, 2004
          Do not insert in ear canal.
          -Justin Warner Excerpt from an essay comprised completely of
          disclaimers. The Big Jewel: Disclaimer
          For external use only.
          -Justin Warner Excerpt from an essay comprised completely of
          disclaimers. The Big Jewel: Disclaimer
          Eye irritant.
          -Justin Warner Excerpt from an essay comprised completely of
          disclaimers. The Big Jewel: Disclaimer
          This product is not intended for the prevention of pregnancy or
          sexually transmitted diseases.
          -Justin Warner Excerpt from an essay comprised completely of
          disclaimers. The Big Jewel: Disclaimer
          The holidays are all about texture, color and luxury.
          -Carson End of show tip from A Very Queer Eye Holiday
          episode. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
          This cult thing is just a side gig for me. I have a life, asshole!
          -Manic Doomed Planet Watch Doomed Planet Online
          First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She
          was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying
          the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of
          life transformed her.
          -Donnie Discounting a Smurf sexual fantasy proposed by a
          friend. Donnie Darko Quotes
          60% of the time it works all the time.
          -Brian Fantana Describing the effectiveness of his special
          cologne. Wikiquote: Anchorman
          Maybe they [strippers] can shake their asses to end obesity. The
          slogan would be "Don't Masticate, Masturbate".
          -Ellen Cleghorn Describing how stippers could be used for
          good, not evil. Tough Croud with Colin Quinn
          Ain't nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin' peaches off a
          hard wood floor.
          -Amy Poehler as Earline Oliver Country Roses Skit SNL
          Sweet, sweet memories of my mama boiling corn.
          -Amy Poehler as Phoebe Lynn Country Roses Skit SNL Transcripts
          I just want to make sure we are all shuffling slack jawed in the
          same direction.
          -John Stewart Commentary from The Daily Show. The Daily Show
          Check out our 20 page spread of women in subservient positions for
          no reason. It troubles us morally, but it moves product.
          -Jon Magazine Celebrity driven vanity magazine. The Daily Show
          And, you know, the monkey's just [French accent] 'I mock you with my
          monkey pants.' And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
          -Oz Buffy the Vampire Slayer BuffyGuide.com
          All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
          -Oz Buffy the Vampire Slayer BuffyGuide.com
          L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons. (Translation: The hippo stole his
          -Willow Buffy the Vampire Slayer Proof that Marti likes
          So, is she screwing up her grades again? Because she's not the
          sharpest apple in the barrel.
          -Cassie's Dad Buffy the Vamiper Slayer 'Help' Transcript
          This girl isn't just dealing [with death], she's giving death a
          long, sloppy word-kiss. She has a yen for the big dirt-nap.
          -Xander Buffy the Vamiper Slayer 'Help' Transcript
          This is my happening and it freaks me out!
          -Ronnie (Z-Man) Barzell Beyond the Valley of the Dolls IMDb
          Quotes for BtVotD
          [After the T.V. has been stolen] This sucks more than anything
          that's ever sucked before.
          -Butt-head Beavis and Butt-head Do America
          [Eight M-16 assault rifles pointed at him] This is the coolest thing
          I have ever seen.
          -Butt-head Beavis and Butt-head Do America
          Sir, I run Hullabalooza's pageant of the transmundane -- the freak
          -Hullabalooza Manager Asking Homer if he wants to join the
          show catching cannon balls to the gut. Homerpalooza
          We're here to take your pornography and sodomize our vast
          -Ignignokt Aqua Team Hunger Force Osirisani Quotes
          Being vice president has actually feuled my blackened soul, allowing
          me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.
          -Dick Cheney apparently paraphrased by John Stewart on The
          Daily Show The Daily Show
          I'm on a huge wispy rhino fart.
          -Unknown Anagram of "Information Superhighway" BSD.org
          Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
          -Steven McCrosky Airplane! Airplane! Quotes
          Be afraid, be very afraid.
          -Wednesday Addams Addams Family Values Addams Family Values
          In a minute, we're going to get to some really great potato
          recipes.. but right now, Teri, I'm gonna fly down your throat and
          into the universe that lives inside all of us.
          -The Delicious Dish A mushroom expert sends the girls on a
          self-induced high. SNL Transcripts
          Your daily palliative measure.
          - 1 : to reduce the violence of 2 : to cover by excuses and
          apologies 3 : to moderate the intensity of Dictionary entry for:
          The rest is silence.
          -Hamlet 'Hamlet', Act V, Scene II. William Shakespeare
          Hoist by our own petard.
          [colloquialism] "victimized or hurt by one's own scheme"
          Webster's Dictionary
          Lick my chakra.
          -Lords of Acid "Lick My Chakra" Lords of Acid
          perseveration. perseveration. perseveration.
          - definition: perseveration
          Make pies, not sense.
          - SpawnOfThrawn
          No Hat. No Underwear. No Problem.
          -A sign in Andy's dream. Mission Hill
          Even the slight tingling feels wonderful--and lets you know it's
          working ... like Pixie Dust in Never Never Land to look young forever!
          -Ad for face cream. IGIA 30-Second FaceLift
          Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of
          9 and 11 A.M. daily.
          -Athens hotel sign GNU Foreign Signs
          Drop your trousers here for best results.
          -Bangkok dry cleaner sign GNU Foreign Signs
          Instructions: usage known.
          -Black pepper instructions Things People Said
          When I've learned enough to really live I'll be old enough to die.
          -Bobby Bare When I've Learned... Lyrics
          Jesus loves me. But, I just want to be friends.
          -Bumper Sticker
          Please keep out of children.
          -Butcher knife warning Things People Said
          Look lady, you're tripping balls on some bad acid right now, you
          need to pull yourself together.
          -Captain Lunatic Upright Citizen's Brigade
          Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
          -Carl Gustav Jung Aphorisms Galore
          Some semiotic symbols for you to deconstruct.
          -Colin Quinn Tough Crowd wirh Colin Quinn
          The perfect blend of flavor and heat.
          -Common claim on hot sauces.
          I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
          -Destiny's Child Bootylicious Lyrics
          War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
          -George Orwell 1984
          Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
          -Hand-held massaging device Things People Said
          The most common side effects with CLARINEX® (desloratadine) Tablets
          5mg were similar to sugar pill, including sore throat, dry mouth and
          -Important Safety Information CLARINEX®
          Beware of people who dislike cats.
          -Irish Proverb Kitty Cat Quotes
          We can help you with our pleasure.
          -Japanese advertisement Engrish.com
          Do you like bowling? Let's play bowling. Breaking down the pins and
          getting hot communication.
          -Japanese bowling alley Engrish.com
          Push this button in case anything happens.
          -Japanese elevator sign Engrish.com
          For indoor and outdoor use only.
          -Japanese product tag Engrish.com
          We serve people with tasty things.
          -Japanese sign Engrish.com
          Not to be used for other use.
          -Japanese warning label Engrish.com
          Is that roof high enough... or does it need to be raised?!
          -Johnny Black People Love Us!
          What do you meme?
          Are you my Dada?
          We do the surfing, so you don't have to.
          Painless Fun (formerly Painful Fun)
          We're not curing cancer.
          More opinions than good sense.
          URLs Gone Wild!!!
          God's favorite website.
          Highbrow. Lowbrow. Unibrow.
          Short attention span theater.
          Pie. It's what's for dinner.
          Somewhere between apoplectic and apathetic.
          Weird to your mother.
          Check us out on the web at MilkandCookies.com!
          Innovative solution provider for building a strong value proposition.
          Following false idols is my god given right.
          Ask about our faith-based erectile dysfunction treatment.
          Crazy like a monkey like a fox.
          -Liz It's All Relative
          It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don't
          trust whitie.
          -Lois Family Guy Quotes-Dammit Janet
          Coming soon to this location: charming ruins.
          -May 1968 Graffiti Bureau of Public Secrets
          Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.
          -Midol PMS relief tablets Things People Said
          Nothing but Net.
          Keepin' it surreal.
          -Old Josie Fremont Coffee
          Not for human consumption.
          -Package of dice Things People Said
          Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.
          -PC Computer BIOS Dumb Warnings
          Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
          -Robert A. Heinlein Robert A. Heinlein Quotes
          One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a
          null word.
          -Robert A. Heinlein Robert A. Heinlein Quotes
          One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
          -Robert A. Heinlein Robert A. Heinlein Quotes
          Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
          good time.
          -Rome laundry GNU Foreign Signs
          I'm in a glass cage of emotion.
          -Ron Burgundy Wikiquote: Anchorman
          Suitable for vegetarians.
          -Sainsburys Mineral Water Dumb Warnings
          May irritate eyes.
          -Self-defense pepper spray Things People Said
          Prepare to be annoyed.
          -Sign The Daily Irrelevant
          Unsupervised children may be given a free double espresso.
          -Sign at a Vancouver cafe A Venti of Fucking What?
          Thursday is Ladies' Night
          -Sign at the Quimby Compound The Boy Who Know Too Much
          Who do you have to fuck around here to get a date?
          -Some comedian
          Just when you thought life couldn't suck any worse.
          -Soygirl Soygirl
          For your safety, please do not exit the tram while it is in motion.
          -Subway station sign.
          Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
          -Swedish furrier GNU Foreign Signs
          Special today -- no ice cream.
          -Swiss mountain inn GNU Foreign Signs
          For your spanking sensation.
          -Thai scooter slogan Engrish.com
          If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and
          don't do milk - you can get work!
          -Tracy Morgan as Mr. T The All New Adventures of Mr.
          If my head wasn't on, I wouldn't know who to screw!
          -Trixie Trixie
          The unwashed touching the golden.
          -Unknown Aqua Teen Hunger Force
          Cats are fun. I like them.
          -Voice Adult Swim
          When come back, bring pie!
          -Weebl Weebl and Bob
          Language is a virus.
          -William S. Burroughs The William S. Burroughs Files
          We keep our shit tight.
          Ignorance is blistering.
          That show was delightful. No. No. It was brilliant. No, no, no, no.
          There is no word to describe its perfection, so I am forced to make
          one up. And I'm going to do so right now. Scrumtrilescent.
          - Will Ferrell as James Lipton SNL parody of "Inside the
          Actor's Studio" SNL Transcripts
        Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.