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Re: Suicide isn't so bad. Give it a chance.

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  • Donna Gore
    ... light ... hahahaha - surely you jest - you didn t actually DO that did you ???
    Message 1 of 5 , Jun 9, 2006
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      --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "paul stoneman" <paulstoneman@...> wrote:
      > The worst I ever attempted was wetting my nose and sticking it in a
      > socket.
      > paul

      hahahaha - surely you jest - you didn't actually DO that did you ???
    • paul stoneman
      The Layman s Guide to Suicide The last self-help book you ll ever need (unless you mess up - again), it s the Essential Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any Problem
      Message 2 of 5 , Jun 9, 2006
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        The Layman's Guide to Suicide
        The last self-help book you'll ever need (unless you mess up - again), it's
        the Essential Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any Problem a Laughing Matter.

        Nothing is worse than an ill-planned, haphazard, last-minute suicide.

        First attempt, second attempt, last ditch effort, this tome (the book type,
        not the tomb type) explains all from proper suicide etiquette to advanced
        techniques and everything in between. It's a must-read for anyone
        contemplating the act, a nice book to leave on the coffee table, and a great
        attention getter.

        This entire book is now online for FREE! Click to read.
        Here's what you'll get and much more!
        One quick read and you'll be laughing too hard to kill yourself. Written in
        clear and simple language for those in a rush but also who want to do it
        right, once you read this, you'll understand how much more is involved than
        simply method and technique (though method and technique play critical roles
        in other aspects like fashion and accessories).
        Proper Suicide Etiquette (what you don't know can hurt)
        Income-producing ideas (to help fund better Services)
        Fashion Tips for the big day (based on technique)
        A fill-in-the-blanks Suicide Note (with blame checkboxes)
        Tips on writing your own Epitaph (fun at the services)
        Fun and creative suggestions for your Eulogy
        Advanced Techniques (if you have the time and energy)
        'Quickies for the Poor' (for those strapped for cash)
        A list of people and things to die for
        How to place the blame on others (and let them know!)
        How to have fun with your Will (we call it 'Will Power')
        Tips on making your Services memorable & exciting!
        Writing your own Epitaph (see some standouts below)
        How (and when) to write and send your own obituary
        What to do if you fail (and are capable of another attempt)
        Much, much more (many more things to consider)

        Can you afford to fail again? Don't take chances. Buy this book!
        If you're contemplating suicide it's likely because you already failed... or
        maybe just are having a bad day (or life). That's OK. You probably didn't
        read The Layman's Guide to Suicide, or if you did, you skimmed.

        Don't read 'The Layman's Guide' and chances are your attempt may be just
        that... an attempt. Then what? People are in such a rush, but haste makes
        waste. You probably won't be living in the comfort of your home and people
        will be asking all sorts of questions. You may lose self esteem. And you'll
        surely tire of trying to explain how you failed... again and again.
        Don't go it alone, blame your demise on others! The book includes a handy
        tear-out Suicide Note with checkboxes covering every conceivable reason -
        spouse, relatives, pets, children and more... plus a 'write in your own
        reason' area just in case none apply.
        Leave nothing to 'chance'. That's when you mess up! Even the section that
        contains the tear-out Suicide Note reminds you not to keep it near your body
        if your technique may destroy it. Did you consider that? Probably not.
        Like The Layman's Guide to Suicide says: 'there's much more to suicide than
        just running out in the back yard and pulling the trigger'. It's messy,
        shows poor planning, is extremely inconsiderate, and shows how thoughtless
        you are (or were).
        That's one of the reasons you need to read (not quickly skim through) but
        actually read The Layman's Guide to Suicide cover to cover. You probably
        skimmed all your life. Now is not the time! Read the book, do it right, or
        skip it altogether.

        It's a 'quick read' that beginners won't be able to put down 'til the last
        Intentionally written in a simple, straightforward manner, The Layman's
        Guide to Suicide enables even the most confused and distraught to follow
        along with ease.
        The Authors and publisher request that, should you still decide not to live,
        you have to promise us you will leave the book far from your intended
        remains. The book was written to cheer up even the most depressed and
        lawsuits and court appearances are not cheery.
        Here are some things you'll learn:
        Don't wait 'til the last minute!
        Plan ahead and avoid the the risk of your having your wake, funeral and
        burial handled (and probably botched) by needlessly grieving family members
        or inept civil servants. If nothing else in your life has gone right, at
        least this can.
        Don't run out in the backyard and jump the gun (so to speak).
        Surely you may be anxious though lack of planning will almost undoubtedly
        result in a less-than-perfect affair in so many respects - all covered in
        the book.
        Over and over this book will remind you not to be a loser. OK, so you may be
        a loser, (possibly that's your primary motive), but c'mon, a loser all your
        life? This could be your last chance to shine.
        The differences (and similarities) between suicide techniques and methods.
        This book helps you seamlessly blend technique with method to produce the
        best overall results. Why bother? The method you choose dictates the
        technique, and the technique often dictates the method. Mess up with either
        (technique or method) and the result may be 'less than perfect' (or worse
        yet, unexpected). Are you up for last-minute surprises at this critical
        point in your life? Probably not. The Layman's Guide to Suicide explains the
        basic differences in technique (and potential outcome) along with the
        similarities between technique and method. Read on and don't skim!
        Make clean-up a snap - paramedics and coroners are people too.
        Choose a technique that will result in a tidy disposal of your remains. It's
        rude to require others to have to scrape up (or worse yet have to scour the
        scene for) your scattered body parts.

        Remember that Police, Firemen and Paramedics are people too. They see enough
        disgusting things without having to deal with the mess you leave!
        Many techniques The Layman's Guide to Suicide provides include Fashion Tips
        based on technique and expected outcome. They minimize clean up, and many
        help insure your first attempt will be your last.
        At least let someone know where you'll be.
        Under Advanced Techniques we offer ideas that can make your method a real
        treasure hunt' but that's just for added fun. Generally, and few consider
        this important aspect, if no one ever finds your remains, you get no credit!

        Certain techniques require metal ID tags. Others include profit-generating
        pay-per-call schemes to generate income for upgraded Services (we're
        speaking of your Services, of course).
        Accommodate your Guest's Schedules.
        People that care about you are busy (probably busier than you).
        Timing is everything.

        If you want a good turn out at your Services The Layman's Guide to Suicide
        recommends you skip 'doing it' over the holidays (a busy time anyway), and
        try to schedule so that viewing (if applicable) and Services hours don't
        conflict with prime-time TV, football, bowling league nights, or vacations.

        The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes tips on generating fun money for your
        services with creative Invitations.
        You won't have fooled anyone so send out your own Invites 'just in time'.
        You know just what you're doing and when, so why keep everyone else in the

        Send invitations with the place and time (at least). You could even prompt
        recipients to call your answering machine or voice mail for directions plus
        generate some fun money for the services with your own 900 pay-per-call
        phone number.
        Don't be overzealous however. If you print and mail too far in advance these
        may end up spoiling all your plans.
        Be sure to let people know who you were!
        You'd be shocked at how many people forget to bring along proper ID. The
        result? No credit. No newspaper write up, no media coverage - is your name
        John Doe? We don't think so! But it may be if you rush off and forget this
        critical step, thoughtfully discussed in The Layman's Guide to Suicide.

        It's ludicrous to think that anyone would go through all the trouble and not
        even be identified!
        Finally you can get some of the credit you deserve.
        Make sure the material you use for ID is capable of surviving your technique

        No, your driver's license (and your wallet for that matter) probably won't
        be readable after a fiery gas explosion (if that's your technique). Think
        about Technique and plan accordingly. The Layman's Guide to Suicide
        recommends metal dog tags.
        Etching your windshield is a thought, if you're sure your windshield will
        remain intact. Tattoos are a possibility, though they too may not be as
        readable' afterwards. Whatever you choose, keep in mind that you may not
        survive but your ID should.
        Be sure to blame others (if applicable - usually is). Handy tear-out Note
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide encourages you to write your own Suicide Note
        (to show off your writing skills), however, if in a rush, or spelling has
        always been a weak point, a handy fill-in-the-blanks tear-out Suicide Note
        is included. You simply check off who's to blame - your Spouse, Kids,
        Neighbor's Kids, Nagging Parents, Boss, Attorney, Stockbroker, Cell Mate,
        and possibly others. You can check as many as you like! Or don't like. That
        s probably the easy part. A fill-in section at the top also helps
        Authorities locate your remains.

        It's the only part that's fast and easy. The rest you have to work at.
        Wear the right clothing - and accessorize.
        It's all a matter of common sense, taste, and technique. The Layman's Guide
        to Suicide recommends: If you're taking the hair dryer into the tub with you
        (covered in the chapter titled 'Quickies for the Poor'), by all means wear
        that gold, silver or platinum jewelry you've been saving for a special
        occasion (better conductors - plus you'll look your best).
        Copper works too!
        In an advanced technique for the nature lover titled 'Taking Lightning into
        your Own Hands', The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends bringing along a
        sturdy aluminum umbrella. Not only will this keep you dry, but, as an
        accessory, it 'works'. The book does caution that lightning is 'powerful
        stuff' and a single bolt can 'make high tension wires seem like static

        If you anticipate being 'pulled apart' The Layman's Guide to Suicide
        suggests you wear something 'that keeps you together' - like a tight-fitting
        full body wet suit for example.
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers plenty of fashion ideas, most based on
        intended technique. Clothing, accessories and method all go hand in hand.
        Be sure to shut off the utilities... or keep them on... and more.
        Unless you need to keep gas on for your intended technique, call and have it
        shut off. Bummer if you planned on 'going by gas', you drop the match in,
        nothing happens. Tell the gas company you're moving but not sure of the
        forwarding address. Same with the phone and electric, (unless you've chosen
        to direct guests to the location of your remains or your Services with voice
        Think about leaving the Cable on if you plan on leaving the house in one
        piece. It's considerate for all the 'after-the-fact visitors', and there may
        be many.
        Let your pets out - unless they're coming along with.
        Leave them plenty of food and water - at least enough to last until a friend
        or relative, or Animal Control comes to get them. Must they suffer too? If
        they're coming with, or were one or more of your reasons, bring plenty of
        food and water, plus their favorite toys. But think twice about the pets.
        What did they do? Mess up the carpet once? Don't be petty.
        If you plan on 'bringing pets with'...
        ...The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers one Advanced Technique based on
        pre-loading the back seat of your car with neighborhood pets and cement
        blocks, using a quality radar detector, avoiding being pulled over 'on the
        way', and discusses a bridge abutment or other large, heavy, inanimate
        object that might 'get in your way'.
        However, do not even think of trying this before buying the book to learn
        exactly how. Causes incredible confusion at 'the scene'. Guarantees local
        media coverage. You could be coast to coast - Nightly News - but you have to
        read to learn exactly how. This is not for beginners and can be dangerous.

        You thought suicide was a slam dunk right? Wrong.
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide even tells you how to deal with the Funeral
        Director (your own) without 'letting on' who the Services are for. Show a
        little too much excitement and you'll arouse suspicion. Most don't
        understand 'pre-need' the way you intend it.
        Also be wary of unscrupulous funeral planners to avoid ending up in 'Potter
        s Field' without the extravagant Services you may have planned - and likely
        put a hefty cash deposit on! Ripped off - possibly not the first time - and
        now no recourse. Or worse yet, in the asylum. Read The Layman's Guide to
        Suicide if you plan on doing any of this right.
        Practice, practice, practice.
        Don't run and do it simply because you 'think you can', you read about it,
        or 'my friend did it ok'. Practice and hone your skills. Though it's the
        cheapest and often most unreliable method (many quit halfway), there's a
        life-size paper cut-out razor blade in the book for those who want to
        practice first. Boring, not recommended, messy and haphazard.

        Videotape your own Eulogy for your own Services.
        Why let everyone else talk about you afterwards when you can do it yourself?
        With modern technology and some pre-planning, you can talk about people and
        keep them entertained, right at your own Services! Opportunities abound. Be
        creative. Think ahead of who your guests will be and personalize. You'll be
        the Star of this affair with all eyes on you, if you do it right.

        Join in at the party (Funeral Party) by being 'live' (albeit tape-delayed)
        at your own Funeral (sort of - at least on big screens scattered around your
        plot). When you say 'dig in' they'll know you're not talking about the food!
        Of course 'live' is a bit of a paradox but it's fun to superimpose on the

        Tell jokes, get a little karaoke going, call out guest's names, lay the
        guilt trip on a few if you'd like, and make it an event everyone will
        remember! C'mon, you're the host, it's your last hurrah, have a little fun.
        - tape delayed.

        Sell VHS copies to offset production costs or to pay back the credit card
        company for the big screen TVs you'll need to rent or buy. You might even
        make DVDs for your own lasting Memorial.
        Write your own Epitaph that people will be sure to notice...and more.
        Been to a cemetery lately? Headstone after headstone... you need a map just
        to find your own relatives! The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes
        suggestions on how to get just what you want on your very own headstone.
        From catchy phrases to keeping unwanted pets off your plot.

        Nothing says 'I cared' or 'didn't care at all' like a memorable headstone in
        a great location.

        Location, location, location.
        How often have you heard that old adage? It's all about location. Not
        location in the cemetery (though that's important), but geographic location.
        Choose a spot near a theme park or resort and you'll be sure to get more
        visitors, and return visitors.
        Complete with innovative, creative Techniques few consider.
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes something for everyone complete with
        illustrated charts, graphs, tips and ratings for each technique described.

        Advanced Techniques include: 'Taking the Train', 'Take Lightning into your
        own Hands' (for nature lovers), 'Cooking with Gas', 'The High Speed Crash
        with a Twist'.

        Short on Cash? The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes a section titled
        Quickies for the Poor', a great selection of methods for the budget
        conscious. Even on a tight budget, you can still be creative and leave
        little to chance!
        Quickies for the Poor techniques include: 'Dry Land Cliff Diving', 'Jay
        Walking' (your name does not have to be Jay), 'Freeway Skateboarding'
        (requires wet suit, knee pads, toll booth, rope and lasso), 'Cooking for
        Pacemaker Patients' (microwave required), 'For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast'
        (minor brakes modification required), 'Jumping for Joy' (requires slightly
        short bungee cord - height/length chart included).
        National media coverage is hard to get, even for big stars.
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide rates each technique. Five headstones is
        highest (feature film, grandstands required), one headstone is lowest (only
        town gossip, maybe local newspaper coverage, and no spectators). Ratings
        matter to the networks and they should matter to you too!

        Every technique in the book is rated for potential Media Coverage and
        Spectator Value.

        Read one of the Advanced Techniques now... but don't even think of doing it
        until you read the entire book.
        Remember how you've failed tests in the past? Skimming and not paying
        attention? Being distracted or not knowing your stuff? Packed for another

        No you can't just 'wing it' or 'figure things out as you go'... you have to
        buy the book!

        Taking The Train
        Refer to the consumer guide to find the subcompact which failed all the
        government crash tests. Next, rather than simply 'accepting' the common
        broadside, completely remove the tires and the front bumper, drive up and
        onto the tracks, and head directly towards the train (see illustration -
        that's you in the middle headed directly towards the oncoming train).
        Don’t get yourself in a panic! Leave early and refer to a current train
        schedule (not that old one in your glove box) for 'meeting' times.

        Although this maneuver requires greater skill, the result is a more
        spectacular flip which will send your vehicle cart wheeling end over end at
        least fifty yards (or more depending upon train speed and your ability to
        achieve and be sure you maintain proper line-up).

        To avoid being deafened by the sound of the train horn, roll up all of your
        windows. And don’t forget to buckle up... IT’S THE LAW!

        IMPORTANT TIP - Don’t wait on the tracks... it’s dangerous!
        There's much more to The Layman's Guide to Suicide as featured on talk radio

        Miss that too? OK, there's another reason you need to buy the book!

        Satisfaction guaranteed or maybe your money back.
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide is GUARANTEED to make any problem a laughing
        matter. No matter how depressed or downtrodden, if you read The Layman's
        Guide to Suicide, you'll likely decide to remain living and laughing... we
        hope. And BTW, there is no money back guarantee if you fail.
        Get your own copy today but don't be greedy, grab one for a friend.
        Grab a spare copy for a whining friend, work associate, relative, depressing
        neighbor, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or Cell mate. It's the ideal
        Leave a copy on the coffee table or bed stand at home, or your desk at work.

        Get yourself more attention. Whether or not you've considered suicide at all
        once people see it, talk about sympathy! They'll be all over you.

        A perfect conversation starter and way to make new friends.
        With The Layman's Guide to Suicide you'll meet all kinds of new people...
        sympathizers, mental health professionals, probably even some from law
        enforcement. Want some attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if you
        re so disposed?) - buy this book, leave it around and that's all but
        guaranteed too!

        Makes a great gift!
        Show you really care or don't. Either way, this book sends a clear message
        without having to say a thing. For those who have everything - and those
        with nothing at all - 'The Layman's Guide to Suicide' is the book to have
        and receive. It well could be the last self-help book you (or they) ever
        need. But we doubt it. It's so hard to kill yourself laughing out loud.
        Need that raise? Want more attention? Leave this book lying around (or even
        a printout of this page) and you're sure to get it!
        There's much more in The Layman's Guide to Suicide.
        Seriously though:
        Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38
        Published by Paladin Press in 1995
        ISBN: 0873648633
        Still listed at Amazon.com
        The Layman's Guide to Suicide: The Essential Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any
        Problem a Laughing Matter' sold via catalog, mail order, through amazon.com
        and other booksellers. Published in July 1995 by Paladin Press.
        Eight years later, in 2003, the authors received notification from the
        publisher that 'The Layman's Guide to Suicide', which had sold out, would go
        out of print.
        The Authors were devastated, yet still not suicidal. Their hope is to stay
        alive long enough to write the sequel which is talked about in one of the
        last chapters titled 'What to do if you fail and can still read this'.
        Seriously, in 1994, with friends of the author and co-author having
        committed suicide in the past, Rob Cummings felt that humor could be a
        deterrent. As it turns out, people have told Rob (author) and Tod
        (co-author) The Layman's Guide to Suicide laughed them right out of their
        depression. Rob and Tod also did a number of talk radio interviews. You'll
        soon be able to listen to these on this web page.

        If you like the excerpts from The Layman's Guide to Suicide please email me
        Know of a publisher that might be interested in republishing? Please let
        them know.
        As the Authors, we feel the world needs a humorous book on Suicide. Everyone
        takes suicide so seriously. Why? It is!
        Too many rush and do it without any planning. If they thought a little
        harder, perhaps they would think twice, or at least not leave a mess for
        paramedics to clean up. There's a right and wrong way to do everything. The
        Layman's Guide to Suicide explains all.
        We'd like to see The Layman's Guide to Suicide republished with more tips,
        more techniques, and even better graphics. Hopefully you would too.
        If you know of any depressing, chronic whiners and complainers, or people
        seriously contemplating suicide, or Publishers that might republish the book
        please send them to this web page,
        Contact the Author for more information and with comments

        -------Original Message-------

        From: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
        Date: 06/09/06 13:44:32
        To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com
        Subject: [Norton AntiSpam] [FT-HUMOR] Re: Suicide isn't so bad. Give it a

        --- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "paul stoneman" <paulstoneman@...> wrote:
        > The worst I ever attempted was wetting my nose and sticking it in a
        > socket.
        > paul

        hahahaha - surely you jest - you didn't actually DO that did you ???

        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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