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Intoduction: My name is Nicholas

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  • Nicholas
    Hello, My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30 years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her
    Message 1 of 3 , Apr 26 8:13 PM
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      Hello,

      My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30 years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her personality, her very essence. She had been divorced already when we met and had been raising her three children completely on her own since her husband had abandoned them. My heart went out to her, but I also was excited to be with her and share a rich intimacy that was also spiritual. At the time we met I had gone back to attending church after a disturbing dream in which I sensed God calling me back to Him. Before that, I had been going to gay dance clubs and having shallow sex with guys. The emptiness struck me and all the negative messages I ever absorbed about the Gay lifestyle came crashing on my head and I sought out Jesus for deliverance. I was not mature enough to be able to reconcile being Gay and following God as I knew Him. I thought the two could not coexist.

      My courtship with my fiancee was wonderful and blessed. I couldn't be happier! The main struggle was becoming a new step-father. I threw all much energy into our marriage and new family. I did not divulge to my new bride that I ever had been Gay, let alone that I ever had sex or been sexually attracted to men. I had enough previous girlfriends in my past to provide her ample evidence that I was a normal heterosexual young man.

      Soon, to my dismay and alarm, I realized that my real love for my new wife did nothing to diminish or eradicate my strong feelings and longings to be with a man. It was not even about the sex! I longed for a camaraderie, a closeness, a warm affection, and emotional love with a fellow peer of my own gender. Often, my Gay feelings got even stronger after sharing nuptial intimacies with my wife. How could this be? I had bargained with God: "Give me a wife to love and I'll follow you and forsake being Gay!"
      I felt I had done my part of the bargain, but the Gayness was stubbornly and irrevocably rooted in me!

      This phenomenon I described above has played a significant part in my adult life since I married at the age of 24, 30 years ago.I would go through religious renewal and renounce my Gay inner self. My resolve would last for a few months, then eventually weaken and vanish. As it approached the point for accepting my Gay self, I would contemplate leaving my wife and starting over fresh as a Gay man.

      I first told my wife I had Gay feelings in the fifth year of our marriage, yet I only told her a half truth, because as I saw the panic in her face, I quickly reassured her that it was only a phase when I was younger. I told her about my parents' anger and rejection and how I bought a one-way ticket to Israel to get away from a biological family who refused to respect or accept me now that they knew I was Gay. In fact, I lost all my friends and family when I came out as Gay when I was 21. I had read that coming out and being honest was the loving thing to do. I naively did just that and soon found myself without the support or love of anyone who knew me before coming out. I had some new Gay friends whom I loved and valued, but the rejection of all the previous people in my life became too much. So off to Israel I went, hoping that the holiness of the Holy Land would rub off on me!

      In about the 7th, 10th and later 13th year of our marriage, I became more direct with my wife about being Gay. I admitted to her that I still had deep sexual, emotional and psychic feelings for guys. I tried to explain to her that Gay love was real, human, and not evil. All she heard was that I was threatening to leave her. Her response was always desperate and suffused with rage, hurt, betrayal, shock and fear. She would tell me each time that God had brought us together and that to stay in God's will we must stay together; namely, that i must reject my Gay feelings and never, ever act upon them!

      Thanks to today's technology, I recently created an alternate Facebook profile that would represent myself as a Gay man, yet honest that I was still heterosexually married and in the closet. I don't have the freedom to meet other guys in person or go to where Gay people can be found. My wife keeps me on a short leash. I have to explain every prolonged absence and never have a night out, let alone a weekend to myself. I feel I am suffocating! Is this still love?

      I also feel that my wife has a double standard. Our oldest daughter came out and told us she was a lesbian during her senior year of high school. After a year or two of trying to persuade her to renounce being Gay (Lesbian) and return to Jesus who would cure her, we did an about-face. We realized that we were risking losing our daughter in our life and that her choosing a gay lifestyle was never a direct attack on us, so we decided not to make it an issue. Through the years, we have come to accept our daughter for all who she is. She enjoys our love and acceptance now! I feel I have much to take credit for this happening! I vowed that no child of mine would experience the pain and rejection I had endured. Last year, my wife and I proudly gave away our daughter to her wife in legal marriage in Connecticut. Only my wife and my oldest daughter know about my own Gay leanings. (I hate using that word "leanings" because for me it has become an integral and essential part of my being; it is not a "leaning".) So after all these years my wife accepts our daughter's and new daughter-in-law's marriage and Gayness, but it remains forbidden to me because I made a vow of marriage to her that I must never revoke without being judged sinful and immoral!

      With the alternate FB profile I have met other guys in a virtual way in order to explore what it might be like to openly be Gay. I feel liberated so far.

      Living in the hetero world is lonely for me, because the truth is I am Gay, not straight. Even though I love my wife, that never changed my sexual orientation - nothing ever will. I am coming to not only accept my Gayness, but also embrace it and be proud of it. I am so isolated! I don't know one Gay guy in person! That is sad.

      I believe in a Higher Force, in God. A God who cares about us humans. He transcends all religions and traditions. I feel betrayed by the Christianity (Catholic) I grew up in, and still feel disappointed in it. It told me that loving another guy was a sin. I don't agree with that and I call them on it for such lies about being Gay. Most churches feel smug and are in no hurry to repent for the sin of gay bashing, let alone for bad mouthing other religions. My life would have been on a whole different course than it is now, thanks to how I used to believe and trust. On the outside, I remain a Christian, just as I appear to be a straight man in this hetero world. Let me level with you. I love Jesus Christ! He guides my life, but I do not love Christianity. I believe in a God of decency, self respect, one who encourages me to be responsible, accountable, honest, accepting of my homosexuality, independent, seeking truth, and loving freedom. Maybe it boils down to semantics. I have no desire to foist my beliefs on you or judge others. My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!

      As I write this, I find myself sitting on the fence. It takes much strength to survive as a Gay-orientated man in a str8 marriage, but yet not Courage to seek a life that is truly my own :(

      When I was a teen, and dealing alone with being Gay, I even contemplated suicide. In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.
    • Anthony Venn-Brown
      Hey Nicholas...thanks for posting and sharing so much of your story. It is not an uncommon journey by any means. I am not only the moderator of this group but
      Message 2 of 3 , Apr 27 12:26 AM
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        Hey Nicholas…..thanks for posting and sharing so much of your story. It is not an uncommon journey by any means.

         

        I am not only the moderator of this group but found of an organisation with website I’d like to invite you to post this in.

         

        Its called Freedom 2 b[e] and is a network of people like yourself who are gay but from  Christian backgrounds.

         

        You will find people from all different stages in the journey there. We already have over 200 stories.

         

        Why don’t you cut and paste your story here  Telling Our Stories

         

        You would have to register here first though in order to post. Want to join in the discussion? Sign up!

         

        It is pretty quiet here in this group and I think that Freedom 2 b[e] will be more active, supportive and relevant to your journey.

         

        What do you think?

         

        Anthony Venn-Brown

        Professional Coach, Speaker & LGBT Consultant

        Author of 'A Life of Unlearning - A Journey to Find the Truth'

        Convenor of Freedom 2 b[e]

        Honoured to be voted one of the 25 Most Influential Gay & Lesbian Australians (2007 & 2009)

        T: + 61 (0)2 9699 2448  M: +61 (0)416 015 231  E: anthony@...

        Website  | Twitter  | Facebook | YouTube | Blog | Linkedin

         

        From: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Nicholas
        Sent: Wednesday, 27 April 2011 1:13 PM
        To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
        Subject: [Exex-gay] Intoduction: My name is Nicholas

         

         

        Hello,

        My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30 years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her personality, her very essence. She had been divorced already when we met and had been raising her three children completely on her own since her husband had abandoned them. My heart went out to her, but I also was excited to be with her and share a rich intimacy that was also spiritual. At the time we met I had gone back to attending church after a disturbing dream in which I sensed God calling me back to Him. Before that, I had been going to gay dance clubs and having shallow sex with guys. The emptiness struck me and all the negative messages I ever absorbed about the Gay lifestyle came crashing on my head and I sought out Jesus for deliverance. I was not mature enough to be able to reconcile being Gay and following God as I knew Him. I thought the two could not coexist.

        My courtship with my fiancee was wonderful and blessed. I couldn't be happier! The main struggle was becoming a new step-father. I threw all much energy into our marriage and new family. I did not divulge to my new bride that I ever had been Gay, let alone that I ever had sex or been sexually attracted to men. I had enough previous girlfriends in my past to provide her ample evidence that I was a normal heterosexual young man.

        Soon, to my dismay and alarm, I realized that my real love for my new wife did nothing to diminish or eradicate my strong feelings and longings to be with a man. It was not even about the sex! I longed for a camaraderie, a closeness, a warm affection, and emotional love with a fellow peer of my own gender. Often, my Gay feelings got even stronger after sharing nuptial intimacies with my wife. How could this be? I had bargained with God: "Give me a wife to love and I'll follow you and forsake being Gay!"
        I felt I had done my part of the bargain, but the Gayness was stubbornly and irrevocably rooted in me!

        This phenomenon I described above has played a significant part in my adult life since I married at the age of 24, 30 years ago.I would go through religious renewal and renounce my Gay inner self. My resolve would last for a few months, then eventually weaken and vanish. As it approached the point for accepting my Gay self, I would contemplate leaving my wife and starting over fresh as a Gay man.

        I first told my wife I had Gay feelings in the fifth year of our marriage, yet I only told her a half truth, because as I saw the panic in her face, I quickly reassured her that it was only a phase when I was younger. I told her about my parents' anger and rejection and how I bought a one-way ticket to Israel to get away from a biological family who refused to respect or accept me now that they knew I was Gay. In fact, I lost all my friends and family when I came out as Gay when I was 21. I had read that coming out and being honest was the loving thing to do. I naively did just that and soon found myself without the support or love of anyone who knew me before coming out. I had some new Gay friends whom I loved and valued, but the rejection of all the previous people in my life became too much. So off to Israel I went, hoping that the holiness of the Holy Land would rub off on me!

        In about the 7th, 10th and later 13th year of our marriage, I became more direct with my wife about being Gay. I admitted to her that I still had deep sexual, emotional and psychic feelings for guys. I tried to explain to her that Gay love was real, human, and not evil. All she heard was that I was threatening to leave her. Her response was always desperate and suffused with rage, hurt, betrayal, shock and fear. She would tell me each time that God had brought us together and that to stay in God's will we must stay together; namely, that i must reject my Gay feelings and never, ever act upon them!

        Thanks to today's technology, I recently created an alternate Facebook profile that would represent myself as a Gay man, yet honest that I was still heterosexually married and in the closet. I don't have the freedom to meet other guys in person or go to where Gay people can be found. My wife keeps me on a short leash. I have to explain every prolonged absence and never have a night out, let alone a weekend to myself. I feel I am suffocating! Is this still love?

        I also feel that my wife has a double standard. Our oldest daughter came out and told us she was a lesbian during her senior year of high school. After a year or two of trying to persuade her to renounce being Gay (Lesbian) and return to Jesus who would cure her, we did an about-face. We realized that we were risking losing our daughter in our life and that her choosing a gay lifestyle was never a direct attack on us, so we decided not to make it an issue. Through the years, we have come to accept our daughter for all who she is. She enjoys our love and acceptance now! I feel I have much to take credit for this happening! I vowed that no child of mine would experience the pain and rejection I had endured. Last year, my wife and I proudly gave away our daughter to her wife in legal marriage in Connecticut. Only my wife and my oldest daughter know about my own Gay leanings. (I hate using that word "leanings" because for me it has become an integral and essential part of my being; it is not a "leaning".) So after all these years my wife accepts our daughter's and new daughter-in-law's marriage and Gayness, but it remains forbidden to me because I made a vow of marriage to her that I must never revoke without being judged sinful and immoral!

        With the alternate FB profile I have met other guys in a virtual way in order to explore what it might be like to openly be Gay. I feel liberated so far.

        Living in the hetero world is lonely for me, because the truth is I am Gay, not straight. Even though I love my wife, that never changed my sexual orientation - nothing ever will. I am coming to not only accept my Gayness, but also embrace it and be proud of it. I am so isolated! I don't know one Gay guy in person! That is sad.

        I believe in a Higher Force, in God. A God who cares about us humans. He transcends all religions and traditions. I feel betrayed by the Christianity (Catholic) I grew up in, and still feel disappointed in it. It told me that loving another guy was a sin. I don't agree with that and I call them on it for such lies about being Gay. Most churches feel smug and are in no hurry to repent for the sin of gay bashing, let alone for bad mouthing other religions. My life would have been on a whole different course than it is now, thanks to how I used to believe and trust. On the outside, I remain a Christian, just as I appear to be a straight man in this hetero world. Let me level with you. I love Jesus Christ! He guides my life, but I do not love Christianity. I believe in a God of decency, self respect, one who encourages me to be responsible, accountable, honest, accepting of my homosexuality, independent, seeking truth, and loving freedom. Maybe it boils down to semantics. I have no desire to foist my beliefs on you or judge others. My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!

        As I write this, I find myself sitting on the fence. It takes much strength to survive as a Gay-orientated man in a str8 marriage, but yet not Courage to seek a life that is truly my own :(

        When I was a teen, and dealing alone with being Gay, I even contemplated suicide. In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.

      • Nicholas
        Dear Anthony, Thank you! I shall follow you advice and register for Freedom 2 b[e]. Nicholas
        Message 3 of 3 , Apr 27 11:13 AM
        • 0 Attachment
          Dear Anthony,

          Thank you! I shall follow you advice and register for Freedom 2 b[e].

          Nicholas


          --- In Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com, "Anthony Venn-Brown" <anthony@...> wrote:
          >
          > Hey Nicholas...thanks for posting and sharing so much of your story. It is
          > not an uncommon journey by any means.
          >
          >
          >
          > I am not only the moderator of this group but found of an organisation with
          > website I'd like to invite you to post this in.
          >
          >
          >
          > Its called Freedom 2 b[e] and is a network of people like yourself who are
          > gay but from Christian backgrounds.
          >
          >
          >
          > You will find people from all different stages in the journey there. We
          > already have over 200 stories.
          >
          >
          >
          > Why don't you cut and paste your story here Telling Our Stories
          > <http://www.freedom2b.org/13>
          >
          >
          >
          > You would have to register here first though in order to post. Want to join
          > in the discussion? Sign up! <http://www.freedom2b.org/user/register/>
          >
          >
          >
          > It is pretty quiet here in this group and I think that Freedom 2 b[e] will
          > be more active, supportive and relevant to your journey.
          >
          >
          >
          > What do you think?
          >
          >
          >
          > Anthony Venn-Brown
          >
          > Professional Coach, Speaker & LGBT Consultant
          >
          > Author of <http://gayambassador.blogspot.com/> 'A Life of Unlearning - A
          > Journey to Find the Truth'
          >
          > Convenor of <http://www.freedom2b.org/phpBB2/> Freedom 2 b[e]
          >
          > Honoured to be voted one of the
          > <http://www.samesame.com.au/25/2007/AnthonyVennBrown> 25 Most Influential
          > Gay & Lesbian Australians (2007 & 2009)
          >
          > T: + 61 (0)2 9699 2448 M: +61 (0)416 015 231 E:
          > anthony@...
          >
          > <http://lgbttraining.blogspot.com/> Website |
          > <https://twitter.com/gayambassador> Twitter |
          > <http://www.facebook.com/gayambassador> Facebook |
          > <http://www.youtube.com/user/gayambassador> YouTube |
          > <http://gayambassador.blogspot.com/> Blog |
          > <http://www.linkedin.com/in/anthonyvennbrown> Linkedin
          >
          >
          >
          > From: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf
          > Of Nicholas
          > Sent: Wednesday, 27 April 2011 1:13 PM
          > To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
          > Subject: [Exex-gay] Intoduction: My name is Nicholas
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > Hello,
          >
          > My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30
          > years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her
          > personality, her very essence. She had been divorced already when we met and
          > had been raising her three children completely on her own since her husband
          > had abandoned them. My heart went out to her, but I also was excited to be
          > with her and share a rich intimacy that was also spiritual. At the time we
          > met I had gone back to attending church after a disturbing dream in which I
          > sensed God calling me back to Him. Before that, I had been going to gay
          > dance clubs and having shallow sex with guys. The emptiness struck me and
          > all the negative messages I ever absorbed about the Gay lifestyle came
          > crashing on my head and I sought out Jesus for deliverance. I was not mature
          > enough to be able to reconcile being Gay and following God as I knew Him. I
          > thought the two could not coexist.
          >
          > My courtship with my fiancee was wonderful and blessed. I couldn't be
          > happier! The main struggle was becoming a new step-father. I threw all much
          > energy into our marriage and new family. I did not divulge to my new bride
          > that I ever had been Gay, let alone that I ever had sex or been sexually
          > attracted to men. I had enough previous girlfriends in my past to provide
          > her ample evidence that I was a normal heterosexual young man.
          >
          > Soon, to my dismay and alarm, I realized that my real love for my new wife
          > did nothing to diminish or eradicate my strong feelings and longings to be
          > with a man. It was not even about the sex! I longed for a camaraderie, a
          > closeness, a warm affection, and emotional love with a fellow peer of my own
          > gender. Often, my Gay feelings got even stronger after sharing nuptial
          > intimacies with my wife. How could this be? I had bargained with God: "Give
          > me a wife to love and I'll follow you and forsake being Gay!"
          > I felt I had done my part of the bargain, but the Gayness was stubbornly and
          > irrevocably rooted in me!
          >
          > This phenomenon I described above has played a significant part in my adult
          > life since I married at the age of 24, 30 years ago.I would go through
          > religious renewal and renounce my Gay inner self. My resolve would last for
          > a few months, then eventually weaken and vanish. As it approached the point
          > for accepting my Gay self, I would contemplate leaving my wife and starting
          > over fresh as a Gay man.
          >
          > I first told my wife I had Gay feelings in the fifth year of our marriage,
          > yet I only told her a half truth, because as I saw the panic in her face, I
          > quickly reassured her that it was only a phase when I was younger. I told
          > her about my parents' anger and rejection and how I bought a one-way ticket
          > to Israel to get away from a biological family who refused to respect or
          > accept me now that they knew I was Gay. In fact, I lost all my friends and
          > family when I came out as Gay when I was 21. I had read that coming out and
          > being honest was the loving thing to do. I naively did just that and soon
          > found myself without the support or love of anyone who knew me before coming
          > out. I had some new Gay friends whom I loved and valued, but the rejection
          > of all the previous people in my life became too much. So off to Israel I
          > went, hoping that the holiness of the Holy Land would rub off on me!
          >
          > In about the 7th, 10th and later 13th year of our marriage, I became more
          > direct with my wife about being Gay. I admitted to her that I still had deep
          > sexual, emotional and psychic feelings for guys. I tried to explain to her
          > that Gay love was real, human, and not evil. All she heard was that I was
          > threatening to leave her. Her response was always desperate and suffused
          > with rage, hurt, betrayal, shock and fear. She would tell me each time that
          > God had brought us together and that to stay in God's will we must stay
          > together; namely, that i must reject my Gay feelings and never, ever act
          > upon them!
          >
          > Thanks to today's technology, I recently created an alternate Facebook
          > profile that would represent myself as a Gay man, yet honest that I was
          > still heterosexually married and in the closet. I don't have the freedom to
          > meet other guys in person or go to where Gay people can be found. My wife
          > keeps me on a short leash. I have to explain every prolonged absence and
          > never have a night out, let alone a weekend to myself. I feel I am
          > suffocating! Is this still love?
          >
          > I also feel that my wife has a double standard. Our oldest daughter came out
          > and told us she was a lesbian during her senior year of high school. After a
          > year or two of trying to persuade her to renounce being Gay (Lesbian) and
          > return to Jesus who would cure her, we did an about-face. We realized that
          > we were risking losing our daughter in our life and that her choosing a gay
          > lifestyle was never a direct attack on us, so we decided not to make it an
          > issue. Through the years, we have come to accept our daughter for all who
          > she is. She enjoys our love and acceptance now! I feel I have much to take
          > credit for this happening! I vowed that no child of mine would experience
          > the pain and rejection I had endured. Last year, my wife and I proudly gave
          > away our daughter to her wife in legal marriage in Connecticut. Only my wife
          > and my oldest daughter know about my own Gay leanings. (I hate using that
          > word "leanings" because for me it has become an integral and essential part
          > of my being; it is not a "leaning".) So after all these years my wife
          > accepts our daughter's and new daughter-in-law's marriage and Gayness, but
          > it remains forbidden to me because I made a vow of marriage to her that I
          > must never revoke without being judged sinful and immoral!
          >
          > With the alternate FB profile I have met other guys in a virtual way in
          > order to explore what it might be like to openly be Gay. I feel liberated so
          > far.
          >
          > Living in the hetero world is lonely for me, because the truth is I am Gay,
          > not straight. Even though I love my wife, that never changed my sexual
          > orientation - nothing ever will. I am coming to not only accept my Gayness,
          > but also embrace it and be proud of it. I am so isolated! I don't know one
          > Gay guy in person! That is sad.
          >
          > I believe in a Higher Force, in God. A God who cares about us humans. He
          > transcends all religions and traditions. I feel betrayed by the Christianity
          > (Catholic) I grew up in, and still feel disappointed in it. It told me that
          > loving another guy was a sin. I don't agree with that and I call them on it
          > for such lies about being Gay. Most churches feel smug and are in no hurry
          > to repent for the sin of gay bashing, let alone for bad mouthing other
          > religions. My life would have been on a whole different course than it is
          > now, thanks to how I used to believe and trust. On the outside, I remain a
          > Christian, just as I appear to be a straight man in this hetero world. Let
          > me level with you. I love Jesus Christ! He guides my life, but I do not love
          > Christianity. I believe in a God of decency, self respect, one who
          > encourages me to be responsible, accountable, honest, accepting of my
          > homosexuality, independent, seeking truth, and loving freedom. Maybe it
          > boils down to semantics. I have no desire to foist my beliefs on you or
          > judge others. My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really
          > counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!
          >
          > As I write this, I find myself sitting on the fence. It takes much strength
          > to survive as a Gay-orientated man in a str8 marriage, but yet not Courage
          > to seek a life that is truly my own :(
          >
          > When I was a teen, and dealing alone with being Gay, I even contemplated
          > suicide. In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.
          >
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