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Kenni update

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  • edward d
    Hi all - sorry I ve not been very active here. As explained before, I started a University (Macquarie University, Sydney) course in 2008. It s kept me busy! I
    Message 1 of 7 , Jan 7, 2010
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      Hi all - sorry I've not been very active here. As explained before, I started a University (Macquarie University, Sydney) course in 2008. It's kept me busy! I am now about 1/3 of the way to a degree. Last year's results are 1 pass, 2 credits and one high distinction. Those who know me will not be surprised to know that my HD was in Traditional Chinese Thought. Some amazing stuff was written by ancient Chinese thinkers - I enjoyed exploring it.

      This past semester I covered the topics of 'Pagans, Jew and Christians - Athens and Jerusalem' which examined Judaism and Christianity in the Graeco-Roman context. The subject material explored the development of both religions in the context of religion in the Roman world. We had to dig into the extant historical sources to try and make sense of what really happened in the period. No need to state, I guess, that it was not quite like the fundamentalist belief that I once held. (smile).

      Also of great benefit to me, was the topic, 'Alexander the Great and the Hellenistic Age' which kind of dovetailed with Pagans, Jews and Christians, as it set the stage for the explosion of messianic literature in the last century BCE and the first few centuries CE.

      Alexander's invasion of the Persian empire smashed the Jewish view of the world in which the Persian Cyrus had been seensas Yahweh's anointed. As their carefully crafted world view came tumbling down, and the Jews found colonies of Greek soldiers planted in Palestine they became part of the Hellenistic Age, a religious reaction which produced such works (it seems)as the Books of Daniel and Ecclesiastes, and particularly the books of Maccabees, which are surely a great example of the use of religious fundamentalism in politics.

      Of great interest to me, as one of my goals in studying is to explore the religious (and, other ideas) that worked their way back and forth across the Silk road, was a start to understanding the possible role of Afghanistan (Bactria) in the transmission of ideas across Asia. Alexander's invasion brought Greek thinking to India as the Punjab was conquered and Indian thinking to the Hellenic world. An Indian philosopher joined Alexander's retinue. For hundreds of years there was a Greek kingdom in Afghanistan. Buddhist preachers taught in Alexandria and Athens (at least). Did they influence the teachings of early christianity? Impossible to demonstrate, but in the religious ferment of the time, we can say that it was a possibility and note some similarities in ideas.

      Strangely, Bactria produced some fusion between Greek mythical ideas and Buddhism. An image of Buddha supported by Hercules as an example. Bactria became the route by which Buddhism entered China, as Buddhists and Buddhist missionaries used the Silk road. At Dunhuang in Western China you can still explore cave after cave filled with beautiful Buddhist art still extant after all these centuries. Early Christianity, from the Antiochian (Nestorian)branch of Christianity also entered China and India via the Silk road, it did not seem to find the same popularity as did the Chinese adaption of Buddhism (Chan, which you may know as Zen). Nonetheless, a significant symbol developed comprising a cross and a lotus. I wonder precisely what mental state existed in devotees contemplating the symbol?

      Another great complication stressed me in the second semester of 2009. I had been relying on the Australian national pension system to provide for myself and to pay my share of household expenses. In July 2009, reforms to laws affecting Gay people, by the Rudd government took affect. The government legislated to try to eliminate all legal prejudice against same sex attracted people, and effectively recognised gay relationships (such effective recognition already existed at state, but not federal level). Being legally equal to heterosexual relationships meant I lost my pension right as pensions in Australia are calculated on the income of both partners in a relationship, since my partner of 20 years is younger than I am and still working, our income as a couple exceeds the pension limits. I lose the pension!!

      That was quite an upset and tested the strength of our relationship. But we've survived, perhaps stronger than previously. But, me being me, I feel I need to contribute to our household, so at the age of near 75, I've gone back to work. Not sure how I'm going to juggle work and study, and I may (smile) drop dead from exhaustion.

      I also had a struggle with Centrelink, the federal government's supervising agency for the payment of pensions and welfare payments. They wrongly assessed some of my work payments and were refusing to listen to my protests. I sent a copy of some of my correspondence with Centrelink to the office of my local member of Parliament (Anthony Albanese) who intervened with the Federal Minister who is responsible for Centrelink. That resulted in a hearing for my protests and Centrelink's demands for repayments were cancelled and some repayments I had made were refunded. A vindication of sorts, but not what I needed in the middle of a semester.

      I want to emphasise, that in this whole process I was always treated with courtesy by Centrelink staff. However, I am suspicious that some decisions about my case may have been made by religiously prejudiced people who think that their loyalty to their idea of god overides any duties to the state that employs them. I can be suspicious because of past experience. During my long involvement with Sydney's Gay and Lesbian Immigration Task Force, at the moment (some 20 years ago) when the National Parliament legislated to permit Gay Australians to bring their partners to Australia, some 'Christians'in the Public service made decisions that they would not grant such visas. So I am aware that such people do exist. However, it is not a road that it is neccessary to explore, in time, we won against the forces of ignorance and these days, so long as you have the neccessary proofs of your relationship, the grant of a visa for a partner is quite straightforward.

      I also predict that a pattern is there for gay marriage. When partnership migration first started there were different arrangements for gay partners and str8 (de facto) partners. Gradually, these differences were eliminated and today the process is the same for str8s and gays.

      A word of advice to younger gay people in Australia. Plan your future so that you stay out of the social welfare system. In addition to the compulsory superannuation payments by your employer, save another 10% of your income if you can. If you enter a relationship (as I hope you can) make sure you have a legal agreement concerning what happens to property and money,in the event of a breakdown of the relationship. Str8 people getting married (in NSW, at least) must have such an agreement before they get married. Better to have an agreement than to have the cost of a legal battle.

      While my experience with the Australian Pension system results in a cost to me, I look to the benefits in the future for young gay people, who can (if they plan for it) look forward to much more stable relationships than in the past.

      Go for it guys and gals!

      kenni
    • Anthony Venn-Brown
      Love your work Kenni Anthony Venn-Brown An Ambassador for the GLBT Community Award winning author of A Life of
      Message 2 of 7 , Jan 9, 2010
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        Love your work Kenni

         

        Anthony Venn-Brown

        An Ambassador for the GLBT Community

        Award winning author of 'A Life of Unlearning - A Journey to Find the Truth'

        Co-convenor of Freedom 2 b[e]

        Honoured to be on the 2007 & 2009 list of the  25 Most Influential Gay & Lesbian Australians

        Tel: + 61 (0)2 9699 2448  Mobile: +61 (0)416 015 231

        "The enemy is ignorance"

        "My morality is a choice, my sexual orientation however isn't'

        'When we choose to live authentically, we chip away at others' prisons of pretend'

        Blog: http://alifeofunlearning.blogspot.com/

        Facebook Profile: http://www.facebook.com/gayambassador

        Become a fan of 'A Life of Unlearning' on Facebook

        Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/gayambassador

        My YouTube Channel is here http://www.youtube.com/user/avb7

         

        From: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of edward d
        Sent: Friday, 8 January 2010 7:57 AM
        To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
        Subject: [Exex-gay] Kenni update

         

         


        Hi all - sorry I've not been very active here. As explained before, I started a University (Macquarie University, Sydney) course in 2008. It's kept me busy! I am now about 1/3 of the way to a degree. Last year's results are 1 pass, 2 credits and one high distinction. Those who know me will not be surprised to know that my HD was in Traditional Chinese Thought. Some amazing stuff was written by ancient Chinese thinkers - I enjoyed exploring it.

        This past semester I covered the topics of 'Pagans, Jew and Christians - Athens and Jerusalem' which examined Judaism and Christianity in the Graeco-Roman context. The subject material explored the development of both religions in the context of religion in the Roman world. We had to dig into the extant historical sources to try and make sense of what really happened in the period. No need to state, I guess, that it was not quite like the fundamentalist belief that I once held. (smile).

        Also of great benefit to me, was the topic, 'Alexander the Great and the Hellenistic Age' which kind of dovetailed with Pagans, Jews and Christians, as it set the stage for the explosion of messianic literature in the last century BCE and the first few centuries CE.

        Alexander's invasion of the Persian empire smashed the Jewish view of the world in which the Persian Cyrus had been seensas Yahweh's anointed. As their carefully crafted world view came tumbling down, and the Jews found colonies of Greek soldiers planted in Palestine they became part of the Hellenistic Age, a religious reaction which produced such works (it seems)as the Books of Daniel and Ecclesiastes, and particularly the books of Maccabees, which are surely a great example of the use of religious fundamentalism in politics.

        Of great interest to me, as one of my goals in studying is to explore the religious (and, other ideas) that worked their way back and forth across the Silk road, was a start to understanding the possible role of Afghanistan (Bactria) in the transmission of ideas across Asia. Alexander's invasion brought Greek thinking to India as the Punjab was conquered and Indian thinking to the Hellenic world. An Indian philosopher joined Alexander's retinue. For hundreds of years there was a Greek kingdom in Afghanistan. Buddhist preachers taught in Alexandria and Athens (at least). Did they influence the teachings of early christianity? Impossible to demonstrate, but in the religious ferment of the time, we can say that it was a possibility and note some similarities in ideas.

        Strangely, Bactria produced some fusion between Greek mythical ideas and Buddhism. An image of Buddha supported by Hercules as an example. Bactria became the route by which Buddhism entered China, as Buddhists and Buddhist missionaries used the Silk road. At Dunhuang in Western China you can still explore cave after cave filled with beautiful Buddhist art still extant after all these centuries. Early Christianity, from the Antiochian (Nestorian)branch of Christianity also entered China and India via the Silk road, it did not seem to find the same popularity as did the Chinese adaption of Buddhism (Chan, which you may know as Zen). Nonetheless, a significant symbol developed comprising a cross and a lotus. I wonder precisely what mental state existed in devotees contemplating the symbol?

        Another great complication stressed me in the second semester of 2009. I had been relying on the Australian national pension system to provide for myself and to pay my share of household expenses. In July 2009, reforms to laws affecting Gay people, by the Rudd government took affect. The government legislated to try to eliminate all legal prejudice against same sex attracted people, and effectively recognised gay relationships (such effective recognition already existed at state, but not federal level). Being legally equal to heterosexual relationships meant I lost my pension right as pensions in Australia are calculated on the income of both partners in a relationship, since my partner of 20 years is younger than I am and still working, our income as a couple exceeds the pension limits. I lose the pension!!

        That was quite an upset and tested the strength of our relationship. But we've survived, perhaps stronger than previously. But, me being me, I feel I need to contribute to our household, so at the age of near 75, I've gone back to work. Not sure how I'm going to juggle work and study, and I may (smile) drop dead from exhaustion.

        I also had a struggle with Centrelink, the federal government's supervising agency for the payment of pensions and welfare payments. They wrongly assessed some of my work payments and were refusing to listen to my protests. I sent a copy of some of my correspondence with Centrelink to the office of my local member of Parliament (Anthony Albanese) who intervened with the Federal Minister who is responsible for Centrelink. That resulted in a hearing for my protests and Centrelink's demands for repayments were cancelled and some repayments I had made were refunded. A vindication of sorts, but not what I needed in the middle of a semester.

        I want to emphasise, that in this whole process I was always treated with courtesy by Centrelink staff. However, I am suspicious that some decisions about my case may have been made by religiously prejudiced people who think that their loyalty to their idea of god overides any duties to the state that employs them. I can be suspicious because of past experience. During my long involvement with Sydney's Gay and Lesbian Immigration Task Force, at the moment (some 20 years ago) when the National Parliament legislated to permit Gay Australians to bring their partners to Australia, some 'Christians'in the Public service made decisions that they would not grant such visas. So I am aware that such people do exist. However, it is not a road that it is neccessary to explore, in time, we won against the forces of ignorance and these days, so long as you have the neccessary proofs of your relationship, the grant of a visa for a partner is quite straightforward.

        I also predict that a pattern is there for gay marriage. When partnership migration first started there were different arrangements for gay partners and str8 (de facto) partners. Gradually, these differences were eliminated and today the process is the same for str8s and gays.

        A word of advice to younger gay people in Australia. Plan your future so that you stay out of the social welfare system. In addition to the compulsory superannuation payments by your employer, save another 10% of your income if you can. If you enter a relationship (as I hope you can) make sure you have a legal agreement concerning what happens to property and money,in the event of a breakdown of the relationship. Str8 people getting married (in NSW, at least) must have such an agreement before they get married. Better to have an agreement than to have the cost of a legal battle.

        While my experience with the Australian Pension system results in a cost to me, I look to the benefits in the future for young gay people, who can (if they plan for it) look forward to much more stable relationships than in the past.

        Go for it guys and gals!

        kenni

        No virus found in this incoming message.
        Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
        Version: 8.5.432 / Virus Database: 270.14.126/2602 - Release Date: 01/08/10 19:35:00

      • Korry Korry
        As I am sure many of you did, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, most notable for a father who had serious, but never diagnosed mental health issues, as well
        Message 3 of 7 , Feb 2, 2010
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          As I am sure many of you did, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, most notable for a father who had serious, but never diagnosed mental health issues, as well as alcohol and prescription drug addiction problems.
          He died when I was twelve, but if anything the general dysfunction at home got worse. Lately a very painful memory from my adolescence came back. It was not a case of a repressed memory, but rather something which I never thought about too much after it happened, and yet something, I am not sure what, has caused me to remember and re-evaluate.

          I was from my mother's second marriage; her first husband died in an accident a few years into the marriage, leaving her a widow with two very young sons. About a year later she married again, and then I was born.

          My father had serious mental health and addiction issues, and my half-brothers resented my very existence, in large part because they perceived me as an extension of my father, and I grew up being targeted for all the verbal and psychological abuse they would not dare place upon my father (their stepfather).

          After he died from pancreatic and liver cancer (a consequence of his years of chemical abuse), it seemed that all bets were off and they were free to do to me whatever they felt.

          Both my (half) brothers had much more aggressive, alpha-male personalities than I did; very extroverted, very physical, while I tended towards being more introverted, creative, and sensitive. 

          When I reached adolescence, all their years of taunting me as a "faggot" seemed to find confirmation in the fact that I had no seeming interest in girls. As it is, I virtually had no friends because I had extreme social-relational skills; I really did not know how to "make" friends with my peers, and always felt more comfortable in the company of adults. This was, as I found out decades later, was related to my undiagnosed Aspergers (a form of Autism).

          Around the age of fifteen, one of my brothers began to taunt me repeatedly over the fact that I did not have a "girlfriend," whereas when he was the same (four years earlier) he was a teenage ladies man. I began to make-up stories of seeing girls who lived far away from home. He in turn, would, in front of whatever young woman he was dating at the time, make nasty remarks about my "hips" being very much "woman's hips." (I was not very athletic and had a very lanky build at the time, but I did not have feminine hips). The point was to comunicate the idea that 1) he knew I was gay and 2) he knew that I was terrified to talk about it. And I was; I had lost my father three years earlier, and my mother's reacted in a way that revealed her own degree of mental instability. Hence, I was terrified that the revelation of my homosexuality would drive her to suicide. Looking back, that was an unreasonable fear, but not unreasonable for an adolescent.

          The worst of it, however, was those times when my brother and me were alone, at home, in the kitchen, and he would grab and twist my arms behind my back, bragging about how much stronger he was, and how "girly" thin my wrists were. And occassionally he would attempt to grab my genitalia as a form of sexual humiliation. Or at least he would make gestures creating the impression that he was going to grab my genitals.

          To me, his behavior conflates psychological, physical, and sexual abuse of the worst kind. 

          I feel like writng to him, but I don't know if it would be worth it. My previous attempts to try to broach what happened has resulted in him getting extremely angry and defensive.

          For what it is worth, if I were to at least feel some compassion for him, my brother struggled academically throughout school, even had to repeat a grade, and was always deeply, profoundly insecure, very jealous of both me and his other brother, both of whom had higher vocabulary skills and could "talk" like adults the way he never could. All three of us suffered not only the impact of my father's madness, but my mother's profound narcissism, which rendered her a hollow Stepford mother, keeping a clean house and preparing good meals, but completely ignoring the emotional, social, and academic well-being of her children. Some of this abuse happened right before her, and she pretended it was not happening.

          What do I do? Forgive him? Try to dialogue with him? And how do I forgive him?

        • Rev. Ninure D. Saunders
          You can try to forgive him. You may have to try every day, speaking from experience. I say this because I really want to forgive my Mother, and every time I
          Message 4 of 7 , Feb 2, 2010
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            You can try to forgive him. You may have to try every day, speaking from experience.

            I say this because I really want to forgive my Mother, and every time I think I have, I discover the wounds still hurt, and so I try again.

            I would not not try dialoging with him, until and unless he can acknowledge what he did to you.

            Pax Christi,
            Ninure Saunders aka Rainbow Christian
            My Blog
            http://blog.myspace.com/rainbow_christian
            Be my Friend on MySpace:
            http://www.myspace.com/reloc.cfm?c=2&id=a75aba99-1279-4e87-8cfc-b359823723ec
            ===========================
            "All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is violently opposed; Third, it is accepted as self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer

            People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”
            — Martha Gellhorn, writer/journalist (1908-1998

            Live simply. Love generously.
            Care deeply. Speak kindly.
            Leave the rest to God.

            --- On Tue, 2/2/10, Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...> wrote:

            From: Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...>
            Subject: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse
            To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
            Date: Tuesday, February 2, 2010, 9:52 AM

             

            As I am sure many of you did, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, most notable for a father who had serious, but never diagnosed mental health issues, as well as alcohol and prescription drug addiction problems.
            He died when I was twelve, but if anything the general dysfunction at home got worse. Lately a very painful memory from my adolescence came back. It was not a case of a repressed memory, but rather something which I never thought about too much after it happened, and yet something, I am not sure what, has caused me to remember and re-evaluate.

            I was from my mother's second marriage; her first husband died in an accident a few years into the marriage, leaving her a widow with two very young sons. About a year later she married again, and then I was born.

            My father had serious mental health and addiction issues, and my half-brothers resented my very existence, in large part because they perceived me as an extension of my father, and I grew up being targeted for all the verbal and psychological abuse they would not dare place upon my father (their stepfather).

            After he died from pancreatic and liver cancer (a consequence of his years of chemical abuse), it seemed that all bets were off and they were free to do to me whatever they felt.

            Both my (half) brothers had much more aggressive, alpha-male personalities than I did; very extroverted, very physical, while I tended towards being more introverted, creative, and sensitive. 

            When I reached adolescence, all their years of taunting me as a "faggot" seemed to find confirmation in the fact that I had no seeming interest in girls. As it is, I virtually had no friends because I had extreme social-relational skills; I really did not know how to "make" friends with my peers, and always felt more comfortable in the company of adults. This was, as I found out decades later, was related to my undiagnosed Aspergers (a form of Autism).

            Around the age of fifteen, one of my brothers began to taunt me repeatedly over the fact that I did not have a "girlfriend, " whereas when he was the same (four years earlier) he was a teenage ladies man. I began to make-up stories of seeing girls who lived far away from home. He in turn, would, in front of whatever young woman he was dating at the time, make nasty remarks about my "hips" being very much "woman's hips." (I was not very athletic and had a very lanky build at the time, but I did not have feminine hips). The point was to comunicate the idea that 1) he knew I was gay and 2) he knew that I was terrified to talk about it. And I was; I had lost my father three years earlier, and my mother's reacted in a way that revealed her own degree of mental instability. Hence, I was terrified that the revelation of my homosexuality would drive her to suicide. Looking back, that was an unreasonable fear, but not unreasonable for an adolescent.

            The worst of it, however, was those times when my brother and me were alone, at home, in the kitchen, and he would grab and twist my arms behind my back, bragging about how much stronger he was, and how "girly" thin my wrists were. And occassionally he would attempt to grab my genitalia as a form of sexual humiliation. Or at least he would make gestures creating the impression that he was going to grab my genitals.

            To me, his behavior conflates psychological, physical, and sexual abuse of the worst kind. 

            I feel like writng to him, but I don't know if it would be worth it. My previous attempts to try to broach what happened has resulted in him getting extremely angry and defensive.

            For what it is worth, if I were to at least feel some compassion for him, my brother struggled academically throughout school, even had to repeat a grade, and was always deeply, profoundly insecure, very jealous of both me and his other brother, both of whom had higher vocabulary skills and could "talk" like adults the way he never could. All three of us suffered not only the impact of my father's madness, but my mother's profound narcissism, which rendered her a hollow Stepford mother, keeping a clean house and preparing good meals, but completely ignoring the emotional, social, and academic well-being of her children. Some of this abuse happened right before her, and she pretended it was not happening.

            What do I do? Forgive him? Try to dialogue with him? And how do I forgive him?


          • Anthony Venn-Brown
            Here is a passage from my autobiography Korry that might be helpful. I’d been able to get a job as a sales representative with a famous Australian landscape
            Message 5 of 7 , Feb 2, 2010
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              Here is a passage from my autobiography Korry that might be helpful.

               

              I’d been able to get a job as a sales representative with a famous Australian landscape photographer and was involved in selling his limited edition prints and organising exhibitions. Realising that there was no hope of ever returning to the ministry, making the effort to be

              Christian seemed like a façade, but I gave God an ultimatum.

               

              ‘You’ve got three months to do a miracle. If you haven’t changed me so I’m no longer attracted to men then I’ll leave and stop wasting our lives.’ I knew deep down what the outcome would be but over the last twenty-two years I’d seen many examples of divine intervention and hoped there might just be an easier way of dealing with the inevitable. For the second time, I was at the point where I could no longer live a lie; this time I would not be swayed again.

               

              I’d seen what had happened to preachers who’d stepped out of the ministry because of immorality or marriage breakdown. I’d even helped a couple of them, like my friend Steve, whose  wife had left him. The humiliation and rejection led to hurt and anger, then eventually bitterness and resentment destroyed them like a terminal cancer, eating away at all that had been good in their hearts. It was tragic to watch them become isolated and gather around them others who would feed their negative energy.

               

              I had enough to deal with during the months ahead and, unless checked, those destructive emotions would eventually destroy me also. The next moment in my life was a defining one. One that I’ve often looked back on and when people have asked me how did you find such peace or how come you still have your sanity, I tell them of this moment when I knew the power of forgiveness would set me free. I’d read so much about how to let go and now was my opportunity to find it in a profound way myself. Unforgiveness is taking the poison you intended for another. Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free only to realise you were the prisoner. With a conscious act of my will I decided to forgive all my friends who had let me down and the denomination that had betrayed me. By letting all that go, I knew I would be free to move on.

               

               

              Anthony

              Moderator

              http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Exex-gay

              My sexual orientation is not a sickness to be healed or a sin to be forgiven. My sexual orientation is a gift from my Creator to be accepted, celebrated, and lived with integrity.

              Freedom 2 B(e)

              Support - Information - Dialogue for GLBTIQ People from Pentecostal/Charismatic Backgrounds go to www.freedom2b.org

               

              From: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Rev. Ninure D. Saunders
              Sent: Wednesday, 3 February 2010 3:07 AM
              To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
              Subject: Re: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse

               

               

              You can try to forgive him. You may have to try every day, speaking from experience.

               

              I say this because I really want to forgive my Mother, and every time I think I have, I discover the wounds still hurt, and so I try again.

               

              I would not not try dialoging with him, until and unless he can acknowledge what he did to you.

              Pax Christi,
              Ninure Saunders aka Rainbow Christian
              My Blog
              http://blog.myspace.com/rainbow_christian
              Be my Friend on MySpace:
              http://www.myspace.com/reloc.cfm?c=2&id=a75aba99-1279-4e87-8cfc-b359823723ec
              ===========================
              "All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is violently opposed; Third, it is accepted as self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer

              People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”
              — Martha Gellhorn, writer/journalist (1908-1998

              Live simply. Love generously.
              Care deeply. Speak kindly.
              Leave the rest to God.

              --- On Tue, 2/2/10, Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...> wrote:


              From: Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...>
              Subject: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse
              To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
              Date: Tuesday, February 2, 2010, 9:52 AM

               

              As I am sure many of you did, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, most notable for a father who had serious, but never diagnosed mental health issues, as well as alcohol and prescription drug addiction problems.

              He died when I was twelve, but if anything the general dysfunction at home got worse. Lately a very painful memory from my adolescence came back. It was not a case of a repressed memory, but rather something which I never thought about too much after it happened, and yet something, I am not sure what, has caused me to remember and re-evaluate.

               

              I was from my mother's second marriage; her first husband died in an accident a few years into the marriage, leaving her a widow with two very young sons. About a year later she married again, and then I was born.

               

              My father had serious mental health and addiction issues, and my half-brothers resented my very existence, in large part because they perceived me as an extension of my father, and I grew up being targeted for all the verbal and psychological abuse they would not dare place upon my father (their stepfather).

               

              After he died from pancreatic and liver cancer (a consequence of his years of chemical abuse), it seemed that all bets were off and they were free to do to me whatever they felt.

               

              Both my (half) brothers had much more aggressive, alpha-male personalities than I did; very extroverted, very physical, while I tended towards being more introverted, creative, and sensitive. 

               

              When I reached adolescence, all their years of taunting me as a "faggot" seemed to find confirmation in the fact that I had no seeming interest in girls. As it is, I virtually had no friends because I had extreme social-relational skills; I really did not know how to "make" friends with my peers, and always felt more comfortable in the company of adults. This was, as I found out decades later, was related to my undiagnosed Aspergers (a form of Autism).

               

              Around the age of fifteen, one of my brothers began to taunt me repeatedly over the fact that I did not have a "girlfriend, " whereas when he was the same (four years earlier) he was a teenage ladies man. I began to make-up stories of seeing girls who lived far away from home. He in turn, would, in front of whatever young woman he was dating at the time, make nasty remarks about my "hips" being very much "woman's hips." (I was not very athletic and had a very lanky build at the time, but I did not have feminine hips). The point was to comunicate the idea that 1) he knew I was gay and 2) he knew that I was terrified to talk about it. And I was; I had lost my father three years earlier, and my mother's reacted in a way that revealed her own degree of mental instability. Hence, I was terrified that the revelation of my homosexuality would drive her to suicide. Looking back, that was an unreasonable fear, but not unreasonable for an adolescent.

               

              The worst of it, however, was those times when my brother and me were alone, at home, in the kitchen, and he would grab and twist my arms behind my back, bragging about how much stronger he was, and how "girly" thin my wrists were. And occassionally he would attempt to grab my genitalia as a form of sexual humiliation. Or at least he would make gestures creating the impression that he was going to grab my genitals.

               

              To me, his behavior conflates psychological, physical, and sexual abuse of the worst kind. 

               

              I feel like writng to him, but I don't know if it would be worth it. My previous attempts to try to broach what happened has resulted in him getting extremely angry and defensive.

               

              For what it is worth, if I were to at least feel some compassion for him, my brother struggled academically throughout school, even had to repeat a grade, and was always deeply, profoundly insecure, very jealous of both me and his other brother, both of whom had higher vocabulary skills and could "talk" like adults the way he never could. All three of us suffered not only the impact of my father's madness, but my mother's profound narcissism, which rendered her a hollow Stepford mother, keeping a clean house and preparing good meals, but completely ignoring the emotional, social, and academic well-being of her children. Some of this abuse happened right before her, and she pretended it was not happening.

               

              What do I do? Forgive him? Try to dialogue with him? And how do I forgive him?

               

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            • Anthony Venn-Brown
              I think forgiveness is always the first step……and this is more for your benefit than your brothers. What transpires from that will become clearer.
              Message 6 of 7 , Feb 2, 2010
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                I think forgiveness is always the first step……and this is more for your benefit than your brothers.

                 

                What transpires from that will become clearer. Sometimes we need to do something to cement it……other times the personal act of forgiving someone in our hearts is enough.

                 

                One thing you could do is just write an email….but don’t send it.

                 

                Sounds like all your family members had stuff to deal with Korry….and played out in different ways. There are very few families that don’t have ‘stuff’. It’s not what happens in families and between siblings that is the issue in the end ……it is how we are going to respond to that now we are adults. Will it make us bitter or better.

                 

                Anthony

                Moderator

                http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Exex-gay

                My sexual orientation is not a sickness to be healed or a sin to be forgiven. My sexual orientation is a gift from my Creator to be accepted, celebrated, and lived with integrity.

                Freedom 2 B(e)

                Support - Information - Dialogue for GLBTIQ People from Pentecostal/Charismatic Backgrounds go to www.freedom2b.org

                 

                From: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Rev. Ninure D. Saunders
                Sent: Wednesday, 3 February 2010 3:07 AM
                To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
                Subject: Re: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse

                 

                 

                You can try to forgive him. You may have to try every day, speaking from experience.

                 

                I say this because I really want to forgive my Mother, and every time I think I have, I discover the wounds still hurt, and so I try again.

                 

                I would not not try dialoging with him, until and unless he can acknowledge what he did to you.

                Pax Christi,
                Ninure Saunders aka Rainbow Christian
                My Blog
                http://blog.myspace.com/rainbow_christian
                Be my Friend on MySpace:
                http://www.myspace.com/reloc.cfm?c=2&id=a75aba99-1279-4e87-8cfc-b359823723ec
                ===========================
                "All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is violently opposed; Third, it is accepted as self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer

                People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”
                — Martha Gellhorn, writer/journalist (1908-1998

                Live simply. Love generously.
                Care deeply. Speak kindly.
                Leave the rest to God.

                --- On Tue, 2/2/10, Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...> wrote:


                From: Korry Korry <korrykorrykoan@...>
                Subject: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse
                To: Exex-gay@yahoogroups.com
                Date: Tuesday, February 2, 2010, 9:52 AM

                 

                As I am sure many of you did, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, most notable for a father who had serious, but never diagnosed mental health issues, as well as alcohol and prescription drug addiction problems.

                He died when I was twelve, but if anything the general dysfunction at home got worse. Lately a very painful memory from my adolescence came back. It was not a case of a repressed memory, but rather something which I never thought about too much after it happened, and yet something, I am not sure what, has caused me to remember and re-evaluate.

                 

                I was from my mother's second marriage; her first husband died in an accident a few years into the marriage, leaving her a widow with two very young sons. About a year later she married again, and then I was born.

                 

                My father had serious mental health and addiction issues, and my half-brothers resented my very existence, in large part because they perceived me as an extension of my father, and I grew up being targeted for all the verbal and psychological abuse they would not dare place upon my father (their stepfather).

                 

                After he died from pancreatic and liver cancer (a consequence of his years of chemical abuse), it seemed that all bets were off and they were free to do to me whatever they felt.

                 

                Both my (half) brothers had much more aggressive, alpha-male personalities than I did; very extroverted, very physical, while I tended towards being more introverted, creative, and sensitive. 

                 

                When I reached adolescence, all their years of taunting me as a "faggot" seemed to find confirmation in the fact that I had no seeming interest in girls. As it is, I virtually had no friends because I had extreme social-relational skills; I really did not know how to "make" friends with my peers, and always felt more comfortable in the company of adults. This was, as I found out decades later, was related to my undiagnosed Aspergers (a form of Autism).

                 

                Around the age of fifteen, one of my brothers began to taunt me repeatedly over the fact that I did not have a "girlfriend, " whereas when he was the same (four years earlier) he was a teenage ladies man. I began to make-up stories of seeing girls who lived far away from home. He in turn, would, in front of whatever young woman he was dating at the time, make nasty remarks about my "hips" being very much "woman's hips." (I was not very athletic and had a very lanky build at the time, but I did not have feminine hips). The point was to comunicate the idea that 1) he knew I was gay and 2) he knew that I was terrified to talk about it. And I was; I had lost my father three years earlier, and my mother's reacted in a way that revealed her own degree of mental instability. Hence, I was terrified that the revelation of my homosexuality would drive her to suicide. Looking back, that was an unreasonable fear, but not unreasonable for an adolescent.

                 

                The worst of it, however, was those times when my brother and me were alone, at home, in the kitchen, and he would grab and twist my arms behind my back, bragging about how much stronger he was, and how "girly" thin my wrists were. And occassionally he would attempt to grab my genitalia as a form of sexual humiliation. Or at least he would make gestures creating the impression that he was going to grab my genitals.

                 

                To me, his behavior conflates psychological, physical, and sexual abuse of the worst kind. 

                 

                I feel like writng to him, but I don't know if it would be worth it. My previous attempts to try to broach what happened has resulted in him getting extremely angry and defensive.

                 

                For what it is worth, if I were to at least feel some compassion for him, my brother struggled academically throughout school, even had to repeat a grade, and was always deeply, profoundly insecure, very jealous of both me and his other brother, both of whom had higher vocabulary skills and could "talk" like adults the way he never could. All three of us suffered not only the impact of my father's madness, but my mother's profound narcissism, which rendered her a hollow Stepford mother, keeping a clean house and preparing good meals, but completely ignoring the emotional, social, and academic well-being of her children. Some of this abuse happened right before her, and she pretended it was not happening.

                 

                What do I do? Forgive him? Try to dialogue with him? And how do I forgive him?

                 

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              • Ian Horner
                ... Re: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse Anthony, Those are just amazingly beautiful and insightful words! So good to read them again! Ian & Dane Sydney ... Here
                Message 7 of 7 , Feb 2, 2010
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                  Re: [Exex-gay] A memory of abuse
                  Anthony,

                  Those are just amazingly beautiful and insightful words!

                  So good to read them again!

                  Ian & Dane
                  Sydney

                  -----
                  Here is a passage from my autobiography Korry that might be helpful.
                   
                  I’d been able to get a job as a sales representative with a famous Australian landscape photographer and was involved in selling his limited edition prints and organising exhibitions. Realising that there was no hope of ever returning to the ministry, making the effort to be
                  Christian seemed like a façade, but I gave God an ultimatum.
                   
                  ‘You’ve got three months to do a miracle. If you haven’t changed me so I’m no longer attracted to men then I’ll leave and stop wasting our lives.’ I knew deep down what the outcome would be but over the last twenty-two years I’d seen many examples of divine intervention and hoped there might just be an easier way of dealing with the inevitable. For the second time, I was at the point where I could no longer live a lie; this time I would not be swayed again.
                   
                  I’d seen what had happened to preachers who’d stepped out of the ministry because of immorality or marriage breakdown. I’d even helped a couple of them, like my friend Steve, whose  wife had left him. The humiliation and rejection led to hurt and anger, then eventually bitterness and resentment destroyed them like a terminal cancer, eating away at all that had been good in their hearts. It was tragic to watch them become isolated and gather around them others who would feed their negative energy.
                   
                  I had enough to deal with during the months ahead and, unless checked, those destructive emotions would eventually destroy me also. The next moment in my life was a defining one. One that I’ve often looked back on and when people have asked me how did you find such peace or how come you still have your sanity, I tell them of this moment when I knew the power of forgiveness would set me free. I’d read so much about how to let go and now was my opportunity to find it in a profound way myself. Unforgiveness is taking the poison you intended for another. Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free only to realise you were the prisoner. With a conscious act of my will I decided to forgive all my friends who had let me down and the denomination that had betrayed me. By letting all that go, I knew I would be free to move on.

                  Anthony
                  Moderator
                  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Exex-gay <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Exex-gay>
                  My sexual orientation is not a sickness to be healed or a sin to be forgiven. My sexual orientation is a gift from my Creator to be accepted, celebrated, and lived with integrity.
                  Freedom 2 B(e) <http://www.freedom2b.org/>
                  Support - Information - Dialogue for GLBTIQ People from Pentecostal/Charismatic Backgrounds go to www.freedom2b.org <www.freedom2b.org>
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