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RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

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  • Dann White
    Right on Vito!!!!!! Congaratulations on forcing the system to listen to your needs and increase your dose, even if you had to change the type of program that
    Message 1 of 19 , Jan 6, 2010
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      Right on Vito!!!!!!

      Congaratulations on forcing the system to listen to your needs and increase
      your dose, even if you had to change the type of program that you attend to
      get it. It is hard to imagine how they can justify these dose caps, knowing
      what everyone knows about individual tolerances to opiates and their
      analogs.
      Hang in there man; perhaps its time now to campaign for a return to the
      Methadone clinic with the increased dose.
      Keep us posted on your progress and let us know how you are doing,

      Dann White

      -----Original Message-----
      From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
      [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Vito Georgievski
      Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 9:24 AM
      To: dolophinea methadonia
      Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process




      Hi Clude,Ange,Rokki and all,mega


      I want to say something what can help or at least to share my experience
      with the methadone.I live in Macedonia(South Eastern Europe),country where
      doctors,so-called experts made stupid rule that daily dosage of methadone
      can't be above 120mg/per day.They have made a rule which is not evidence
      based but even so they refuse to give more than 120mg/per day.
      I am fighting for the individual dosage for more than 5 years.They decide to
      give me 150 mg/per day only for me(out of 500 clients who are on MMT) but
      the price what i have had to pay was transferring me from methadone clinic
      to psychiatric hospital.
      What I want to say:maybe you have lot of things to improve but at least you
      are not facing with stupid rules,you have TH doses and human approach with
      the staff in clinics.
      So as somebody else say methadone is a long term process but divided in
      phases.Each phase need some time which is btw again very individual .
      If I was you i will not rush with tapering down.One year is very short time
      for methadone.Now days here in my country doctors again are giving interwies
      where they are introducing bubrenofine/suboxone like a magic drug which will
      solve the parents problems(what a stupidity like parents will be on this
      medication) without saying what are the bad sides of this drug.
      I really want to say that i don't have anything negative to say about this
      drug because I have made my choice which is methadone,so everyone have to
      have right to chose but all therapeutic approaches like slow release
      morphine for example.

      Just want to share my expirience with the methadone from other perspective
      and I'll be very happy if I can help very little.I am on methadone for more
      then 12 years,working,married and very happy.

      I am wishing you all happy new year,

      Best wishes,

      Vito

      PS Rokki my dear where are you and what is going on


      To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@...
      From: hopjr@...
      Date: Sun, 3 Jan 2010 01:55:28 -0500
      Subject: Re: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process




























      The rule of thumb as far as switching from methadone to suboxone is if
      one needs more than 60mg of methadone to be fully stable then usually
      suboxone won't suffice. 170 is a long way from 30mg as that is the max dose
      you should be on the lower the better for the switch. I know most want to
      switch because of the freedom involved but suboxone does not work for
      everyone just as methadone isn't for everyone. Wish you the best but plan it
      out and research it completely.

      Claude

      ----- Original Message -----

      From: Angela

      To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com

      Sent: Saturday, January 02, 2010 1:33 AM

      Subject: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process



      I am on 170 mgs/day, everyday going on a full year now!!!!I just want 2
      start lowering my dose, SLOWLY, so that I can b able 2 successfully switch
      over to Suboxone. I am also still waiting 4 Suboxone 2 go generic. I would
      love 2 hear anyones advice/opinions about all of this. - Thank U Soooo Much,
      Ange Q.



      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















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    • Sherryl Sagendorf
      I m hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I m 5/8 and aprox.
      Message 2 of 19 , Jan 6, 2010
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        I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I'm 5/8" and aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old.  I decided to jump-off methadone and took one week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a week!).  I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'.  That turned into me needing the coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday.  The end result is that I went thru a very harsh detox.  I voluntarily discharged myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
        I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on the psychoward.  This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I got back in my hospital bed.  It was sheer misery.  I ended up going to the hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from the methadone. 
        The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff.  To make matters worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay longer so I would be 'safe'.  If I had escaped I would likely have frozen walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by Florida standards.
           Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use.  The half-life last for 3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely out of your system. 
           Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy.  My only lucky break so far.
           But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score.  This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police via hotline tip.  He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a long time.  If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or beaten the crap out of me.
           I had intended to buy three bags. 
           I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
           I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that I'm home now.     But I still want to use; its like an aching inside. Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go back to that f@#*king hospital again.  Otherwise, I want to be high more than anything in the world.
           Please help me.




        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • claude
        Sheryl the half life for methadone is 24 hrs not 3 weeks the problem you incurred was that you went down too fast and then jumped off of 90mgs that is enough
        Message 3 of 19 , Jan 6, 2010
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          Sheryl the half life for methadone is 24 hrs not 3 weeks the problem you incurred was that you went down too fast and then jumped off of 90mgs that is enough to put you into a bad w/d and being on a bad clinic is the biggest problem. methadone works when you are at a place that knows what they are doing and cares for the patients. The proper dose is not determined by weight or size as everyone's system is different, I don't know if you needed 200mg by reading your story but some do need that much and more there are others who may only need 80mg so when one's dose is being adjusted you don't want to go up too fast as it takes your body 5 days to adjust to a dose change and when you taper off in order for a pain free taper it should be no more than 2mg every 2-3 weeks. Methadone is a time commitment and for the medication and counseling and therapy to work one should expect to be on for at least 3 years and most may need to be on for life due to the damage we do when we abuse opiates it rewires our brain chemistry. If you were on 200mg and you find suboxone to work for you then your body probably didn't need 200mg as the highest dose you can go up to on suboxone is 32mg and that is equivalent to about 60-80mg of methadone. and
          if you are getting severe cravings on suboxone you may need an increase but suboxone doesn't stop the cravings as well as methadone. I wish you the best in your recovery.
          Claude
          ----- Original Message -----
          From: Sherryl Sagendorf
          To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
          Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
          Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process



          I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg). I'm 5/8" and aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old. I decided to jump-off methadone and took one week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a week!). I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'. That turned into me needing the coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday. The end result is that I went thru a very harsh detox. I voluntarily discharged myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
          I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on the psychoward. This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I got back in my hospital bed. It was sheer misery. I ended up going to the hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from the methadone.
          The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff. To make matters worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay longer so I would be 'safe'. If I had escaped I would likely have frozen walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by Florida standards.
          Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use. The half-life last for 3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely out of your system.
          Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy. My only lucky break so far.
          But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police via hotline tip. He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a long time. If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or beaten the crap out of me.
          I had intended to buy three bags.
          I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
          I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that I'm home now. But I still want to use; its like an aching inside. Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go back to that f@#*king hospital again. Otherwise, I want to be high more than anything in the world.
          Please help me.

          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • Dann White
          Your letter is one of the best yet for proving that methadone can t work if you won t give it a chance. I am sure no one advised you to enroll in treatment you
          Message 4 of 19 , Jan 8, 2010
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            Your letter is one of the best yet for proving that methadone can't work if
            you won't give it a chance. I am sure no one advised you to enroll in
            treatment you couldn't afford, yet you claim you did just that, and if that
            wasn't bad enough you followed that with a master stroke of leaving
            treatment without detox.
            To set the record straight for others reading this - let me point out that
            methadone's half-life is just under three days, not three weeks as you say
            you were told; the real mystery to me is how will you pay for Suboxone which
            usually costs about 2-3 times as much as methadone?
            Find your way to a reputable Opiate Treatment Program when you are ready to
            make a commitment to recovery. It is not required that you know how to
            recover up front, but it will be necessary to listen to those who do know
            and make an effort to follow the simple instructions you will be given.
            Keeping these instructions will not require cocaine or even benzos, but it
            will require that you try a new response when you need to "feel better".
            Despite your self sacrificed experience, I suspect that there are more
            patients at that clinic you mentioned that are doing well, or at least doing
            better than they were before they entered treatment. Their commitment to
            treatment included enough willingness to try it with the medication used in
            the treatment; not adding their personal preferences to the mix.
            In a way, recovery is easy, all that you have to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY
            AND LET IT WORK FOR YOU. I hope you do, the only thing worse than dying from
            your addiction is surviving and living in that hell, indefinitely.

            Dann

            -----Original Message-----
            From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
            [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Sherryl Sagendorf
            Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
            To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
            Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

            I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was
            on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I'm 5/8" and
            aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old.  I decided to jump-off methadone and took one
            week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a
            week!).  I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and
            depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'.  That turned into me needing the
            coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday.  The end
            result is that I went thru a very harsh detox.  I voluntarily discharged
            myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there
            unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
            I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to
            escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted
            and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on
            the psychoward.  This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I
            got back in my hospital bed.  It was sheer misery.  I ended up going to the
            hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from
            the methadone. 
            The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the
            butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any
            relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff.  To make matters
            worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay
            longer so I would be 'safe'.  If I had escaped I would likely have frozen
            walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by
            Florida standards.
               Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use.  The half-life last for
            3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely
            out of your system. 
               Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the
            hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy.  My
            only lucky break so far.
               But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense
            craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to
            hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. 
            This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police
            via hotline tip.  He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a
            long time.  If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or
            beaten the crap out of me.
               I had intended to buy three bags. 
               I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all
            my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have
            people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
               I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that
            I'm home now.     But I still want to use; its like an aching inside.
            Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it
            stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go
            back to that f@#*king hospital again.  Otherwise, I want to be high more
            than anything in the world.
               Please help me.




            [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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            14:35:00
          • Sherryl Sagendorf
            Dear Dan,      I have to say that I was surprised at the hostility you expressed in your letter.  You should attend counseling asap.  Part of being an
            Message 5 of 19 , Jan 8, 2010
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              Dear Dan,
               
                 I have to say that I was surprised at the hostility you expressed in your letter.  You should attend counseling asap.  Part of being an addict includes making poor decision repeatedly and changing your behavior so that you reach out for help via other people in the program rather than drugs.  Clearly, you are an insipid idiot who belongs chained to a clinic that condescends to treat you everyday.  Stick with your treatment, you need it.
               
               
              Sherryl S.

              --- On Fri, 1/8/10, Dann White <dwtoo@...> wrote:


              From: Dann White <dwtoo@...>
              Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process
              To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
              Date: Friday, January 8, 2010, 8:17 AM


               



              Your letter is one of the best yet for proving that methadone can't work if
              you won't give it a chance. I am sure no one advised you to enroll in
              treatment you couldn't afford, yet you claim you did just that, and if that
              wasn't bad enough you followed that with a master stroke of leaving
              treatment without detox.
              To set the record straight for others reading this - let me point out that
              methadone's half-life is just under three days, not three weeks as you say
              you were told; the real mystery to me is how will you pay for Suboxone which
              usually costs about 2-3 times as much as methadone?
              Find your way to a reputable Opiate Treatment Program when you are ready to
              make a commitment to recovery. It is not required that you know how to
              recover up front, but it will be necessary to listen to those who do know
              and make an effort to follow the simple instructions you will be given.
              Keeping these instructions will not require cocaine or even benzos, but it
              will require that you try a new response when you need to "feel better".
              Despite your self sacrificed experience, I suspect that there are more
              patients at that clinic you mentioned that are doing well, or at least doing
              better than they were before they entered treatment. Their commitment to
              treatment included enough willingness to try it with the medication used in
              the treatment; not adding their personal preferences to the mix.
              In a way, recovery is easy, all that you have to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY
              AND LET IT WORK FOR YOU. I hope you do, the only thing worse than dying from
              your addiction is surviving and living in that hell, indefinitely.

              Dann

              -----Original Message-----
              From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
              [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of Sherryl Sagendorf
              Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
              To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
              Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

              I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was
              on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I'm 5/8" and
              aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old.  I decided to jump-off methadone and took one
              week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a
              week!).  I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and
              depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'.  That turned into me needing the
              coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday.  The end
              result is that I went thru a very harsh detox.  I voluntarily discharged
              myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there
              unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
              I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to
              escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted
              and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on
              the psychoward.  This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I
              got back in my hospital bed.  It was sheer misery.  I ended up going to the
              hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from
              the methadone. 
              The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the
              butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any
              relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff.  To make matters
              worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay
              longer so I would be 'safe'.  If I had escaped I would likely have frozen
              walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by
              Florida standards.
                 Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use.  The half-life last for
              3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely
              out of your system. 
                 Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the
              hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy.  My
              only lucky break so far.
                 But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense
              craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to
              hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. 
              This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police
              via hotline tip.  He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a
              long time.  If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or
              beaten the crap out of me.
                 I had intended to buy three bags. 
                 I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all
              my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have
              people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
                 I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that
              I'm home now.     But I still want to use; its like an aching inside.
              Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it
              stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go
              back to that f@#*king hospital again.  Otherwise, I want to be high more
              than anything in the world.
                 Please help me.

              [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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              No virus found in this incoming message.
              Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
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              14:35:00











              [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
            • Sherryl Sagendorf
              P. S. I m doing better than I ever have on Suboxone under the care of a psychiatrist who is not recomending that I take mushrooms to cure my addiction. 
              Message 6 of 19 , Jan 8, 2010
              • 0 Attachment
                P. S. I'm doing better than I ever have on Suboxone under the care of a psychiatrist who is not recomending that I take mushrooms to "cure" my addiction.  Thanks for listening.  Keep coming back, clearly you need it.  This group is for support not an arrogant condescending putdown.  Clearly you are a bitter old addict who wasted their life hurting others and continue to do so.  Thanks for listening.

                --- On Fri, 1/8/10, Dann White <dwtoo@...> wrote:


                From: Dann White <dwtoo@...>
                Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process
                To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                Date: Friday, January 8, 2010, 8:17 AM


                 



                Your letter is one of the best yet for proving that methadone can't work if
                you won't give it a chance. I am sure no one advised you to enroll in
                treatment you couldn't afford, yet you claim you did just that, and if that
                wasn't bad enough you followed that with a master stroke of leaving
                treatment without detox.
                To set the record straight for others reading this - let me point out that
                methadone's half-life is just under three days, not three weeks as you say
                you were told; the real mystery to me is how will you pay for Suboxone which
                usually costs about 2-3 times as much as methadone?
                Find your way to a reputable Opiate Treatment Program when you are ready to
                make a commitment to recovery. It is not required that you know how to
                recover up front, but it will be necessary to listen to those who do know
                and make an effort to follow the simple instructions you will be given.
                Keeping these instructions will not require cocaine or even benzos, but it
                will require that you try a new response when you need to "feel better".
                Despite your self sacrificed experience, I suspect that there are more
                patients at that clinic you mentioned that are doing well, or at least doing
                better than they were before they entered treatment. Their commitment to
                treatment included enough willingness to try it with the medication used in
                the treatment; not adding their personal preferences to the mix.
                In a way, recovery is easy, all that you have to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY
                AND LET IT WORK FOR YOU. I hope you do, the only thing worse than dying from
                your addiction is surviving and living in that hell, indefinitely.

                Dann

                -----Original Message-----
                From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
                [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of Sherryl Sagendorf
                Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
                To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
                Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was
                on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I'm 5/8" and
                aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old.  I decided to jump-off methadone and took one
                week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a
                week!).  I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and
                depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'.  That turned into me needing the
                coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday.  The end
                result is that I went thru a very harsh detox.  I voluntarily discharged
                myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there
                unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
                I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to
                escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted
                and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on
                the psychoward.  This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I
                got back in my hospital bed.  It was sheer misery.  I ended up going to the
                hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from
                the methadone. 
                The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the
                butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any
                relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff.  To make matters
                worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay
                longer so I would be 'safe'.  If I had escaped I would likely have frozen
                walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by
                Florida standards.
                   Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use.  The half-life last for
                3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely
                out of your system. 
                   Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the
                hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy.  My
                only lucky break so far.
                   But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense
                craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to
                hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. 
                This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police
                via hotline tip.  He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a
                long time.  If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or
                beaten the crap out of me.
                   I had intended to buy three bags. 
                   I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all
                my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have
                people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
                   I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that
                I'm home now.     But I still want to use; its like an aching inside.
                Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it
                stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go
                back to that f@#*king hospital again.  Otherwise, I want to be high more
                than anything in the world.
                   Please help me.

                [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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              • Sherryl Sagendorf
                Thank you so much for you supportive letter.  I recieved an unsolicited letter from a Dan that was upsetting because it was so condescending and
                Message 7 of 19 , Jan 8, 2010
                • 0 Attachment
                  Thank you so much for you supportive letter.  I recieved an unsolicited letter from a "Dan" that was upsetting because it was so condescending and insensitive.  Its nice to know that there are decent men in recovery who can be supportive without feeling their masculinity is threatened.  His letter definitly made me recall the militant cliques that sometimes occur in the rooms of NA.  People that are so down on themselves and bitter that they try to make everyone around them miserable, too.  That part of NA I do not miss.  I don't want to engage with sick people who 13th step and put others down to make themselves feel better.  They are like dry drunks.
                   
                  Anyway,  I MADE IT!!!  And, by the way, my counselor was transferred to another clinic for mishandling my case.  Before he left, I talked to him and he told me that my experience of sticking up for my rights at the clinic is going to change policy and the clinic will be a better place because of it.  I understand that I was using and completely out of control, methadone was my safety net/comfort zone and it failed for me because I felt completely conflicted about being on it.  I was literally sleeping my life away. 
                   
                  Today is my first week on Suboxone and for the first time I feel TERRIFFIC!!!  I've done more chores today than I have in three weeks.  I'm relearning how to be responsible/functional again without dosing and walking around in a partial coma.  I lost my methadone fat, got my hair cut and I look and feel just wonderful.  Its like I'm a newborn and I have my whole life ahead of me. 
                   
                  I know that I have created alot of chaos in my life but I now feel confident that I can make improvements and meet my goals.  One day at a time.  I believe!
                   
                  Glad to be Alive,
                   
                   
                  Sherryl S.

                  --- On Thu, 1/7/10, claude <hopjr@...> wrote:


                  From: claude <hopjr@...>
                  Subject: Re: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process
                  To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                  Date: Thursday, January 7, 2010, 1:13 AM


                   



                  Sheryl the half life for methadone is 24 hrs not 3 weeks the problem you incurred was that you went down too fast and then jumped off of 90mgs that is enough to put you into a bad w/d and being on a bad clinic is the biggest problem. methadone works when you are at a place that knows what they are doing and cares for the patients. The proper dose is not determined by weight or size as everyone's system is different, I don't know if you needed 200mg by reading your story but some do need that much and more there are others who may only need 80mg so when one's dose is being adjusted you don't want to go up too fast as it takes your body 5 days to adjust to a dose change and when you taper off in order for a pain free taper it should be no more than 2mg every 2-3 weeks. Methadone is a time commitment and for the medication and counseling and therapy to work one should expect to be on for at least 3 years and most may need to be on for life due to the damage
                  we do when we abuse opiates it rewires our brain chemistry. If you were on 200mg and you find suboxone to work for you then your body probably didn't need 200mg as the highest dose you can go up to on suboxone is 32mg and that is equivalent to about 60-80mg of methadone. and
                  if you are getting severe cravings on suboxone you may need an increase but suboxone doesn't stop the cravings as well as methadone. I wish you the best in your recovery.
                  Claude
                  ----- Original Message -----
                  From: Sherryl Sagendorf
                  To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
                  Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
                  Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                  I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg). I'm 5/8" and aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old. I decided to jump-off methadone and took one week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a week!). I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'. That turned into me needing the coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday. The end result is that I went thru a very harsh detox. I voluntarily discharged myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
                  I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on the psychoward. This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I got back in my hospital bed. It was sheer misery. I ended up going to the hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from the methadone.
                  The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff. To make matters worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay longer so I would be 'safe'. If I had escaped I would likely have frozen walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by Florida standards.
                  Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use. The half-life last for 3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely out of your system.
                  Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy. My only lucky break so far.
                  But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police via hotline tip. He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a long time. If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or beaten the crap out of me.
                  I had intended to buy three bags.
                  I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
                  I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that I'm home now. But I still want to use; its like an aching inside. Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go back to that f@#*king hospital again. Otherwise, I want to be high more than anything in the world.
                  Please help me.

                  [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

                  [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]











                  [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                • claude
                  Thank you Vito for sharing your story............ Claude ... From: Vito Georgievski To: dolophinea methadonia
                  Message 8 of 19 , Jan 8, 2010
                  • 0 Attachment
                    Thank you Vito for sharing your story............
                    Claude
                    ----- Original Message -----
                    From: "Vito Georgievski" <vitodov@...>
                    To: "dolophinea methadonia" <dolophinea_cafe@yahoogroups.com>
                    Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 9:23 AM
                    Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process





                    Hi Clude,Ange,Rokki and all,mega


                    I want to say something what can help or at least to share my experience
                    with the methadone.I live in Macedonia(South Eastern Europe),country where
                    doctors,so-called experts made stupid rule that daily dosage of methadone
                    can't be above 120mg/per day.They have made a rule which is not evidence
                    based but even so they refuse to give more than 120mg/per day.
                    I am fighting for the individual dosage for more than 5 years.They decide to
                    give me 150 mg/per day only for me(out of 500 clients who are on MMT) but
                    the price what i have had to pay was transferring me from methadone clinic
                    to psychiatric hospital.
                    What I want to say:maybe you have lot of things to improve but at least you
                    are not facing with stupid rules,you have TH doses and human approach with
                    the staff in clinics.
                    So as somebody else say methadone is a long term process but divided in
                    phases.Each phase need some time which is btw again very individual .
                    If I was you i will not rush with tapering down.One year is very short time
                    for methadone.Now days here in my country doctors again are giving interwies
                    where they are introducing bubrenofine/suboxone like a magic drug which will
                    solve the parents problems(what a stupidity like parents will be on this
                    medication) without saying what are the bad sides of this drug.
                    I really want to say that i don't have anything negative to say about this
                    drug because I have made my choice which is methadone,so everyone have to
                    have right to chose but all therapeutic approaches like slow release
                    morphine for example.

                    Just want to share my expirience with the methadone from other perspective
                    and I'll be very happy if I can help very little.I am on methadone for more
                    then 12 years,working,married and very happy.

                    I am wishing you all happy new year,

                    Best wishes,

                    Vito

                    PS Rokki my dear where are you and what is going on


                    To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@...
                    From: hopjr@...
                    Date: Sun, 3 Jan 2010 01:55:28 -0500
                    Subject: Re: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process




























                    The rule of thumb as far as switching from methadone to suboxone is if
                    one needs more than 60mg of methadone to be fully stable then usually
                    suboxone won't suffice. 170 is a long way from 30mg as that is the max dose
                    you should be on the lower the better for the switch. I know most want to
                    switch because of the freedom involved but suboxone does not work for
                    everyone just as methadone isn't for everyone. Wish you the best but plan it
                    out and research it completely.

                    Claude

                    ----- Original Message -----

                    From: Angela

                    To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com

                    Sent: Saturday, January 02, 2010 1:33 AM

                    Subject: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process



                    I am on 170 mgs/day, everyday going on a full year now!!!!I just want 2
                    start lowering my dose, SLOWLY, so that I can b able 2 successfully switch
                    over to Suboxone. I am also still waiting 4 Suboxone 2 go generic. I would
                    love 2 hear anyones advice/opinions about all of this. - Thank U Soooo Much,
                    Ange Q.



                    [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















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                  • Dann White
                    I am not quite sure how I came up with the statement that methadone has a half-life of just under three days , I know better and must have made a mistake when
                    Message 9 of 19 , Jan 12, 2010
                    • 0 Attachment
                      I am not quite sure how I came up with the statement that methadone has a
                      half-life of "just under three days", I know better and must have made a
                      mistake when editing my comments. As I recall the Merck Manual states a
                      half-life of 24-38 hours for methadone, other sources are in the same
                      general vicinity. The rest of what I said was exactly as I meant it.
                      It is sad that in many cases MMT is not available to everyone who needs it;
                      sometimes it is only available to those that can afford it. If these clinics
                      are going to admit patients who are unlikely to be able to sustain the cost
                      of treatment, they need to be required to give humane detox regimens to the
                      patients they admit.
                      Here in North Carolina you can be discharged on the first day that you
                      cannot pay with NO graduated withdrawal.
                      What a world, huh?

                      Dann
                      -----Original Message-----
                      From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                      [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Dann White
                      Sent: Friday, January 08, 2010 8:17 AM
                      To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                      Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                      Your letter is one of the best yet for proving that methadone can't work if
                      you won't give it a chance. I am sure no one advised you to enroll in
                      treatment you couldn't afford, yet you claim you did just that, and if that
                      wasn't bad enough you followed that with a master stroke of leaving
                      treatment without detox.
                      To set the record straight for others reading this - let me point out that
                      methadone's half-life is just under three days, not three weeks as you say
                      you were told; the real mystery to me is how will you pay for Suboxone which
                      usually costs about 2-3 times as much as methadone?
                      Find your way to a reputable Opiate Treatment Program when you are ready to
                      make a commitment to recovery. It is not required that you know how to
                      recover up front, but it will be necessary to listen to those who do know
                      and make an effort to follow the simple instructions you will be given.
                      Keeping these instructions will not require cocaine or even benzos, but it
                      will require that you try a new response when you need to "feel better".
                      Despite your self sacrificed experience, I suspect that there are more
                      patients at that clinic you mentioned that are doing well, or at least doing
                      better than they were before they entered treatment. Their commitment to
                      treatment included enough willingness to try it with the medication used in
                      the treatment; not adding their personal preferences to the mix.
                      In a way, recovery is easy, all that you have to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY
                      AND LET IT WORK FOR YOU. I hope you do, the only thing worse than dying from
                      your addiction is surviving and living in that hell, indefinitely.

                      Dann

                      -----Original Message-----
                      From: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                      [mailto:DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Sherryl Sagendorf
                      Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
                      To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                      Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                      I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was
                      on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg).  I'm 5/8" and
                      aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old.  I decided to jump-off methadone and took one
                      week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a
                      week!).  I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and
                      depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'.  That turned into me needing the
                      coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday.  The end
                      result is that I went thru a very harsh detox.  I voluntarily discharged
                      myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there
                      unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
                      I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to
                      escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted
                      and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on
                      the psychoward.  This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I
                      got back in my hospital bed.  It was sheer misery.  I ended up going to the
                      hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from
                      the methadone. 
                      The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the
                      butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any
                      relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff.  To make matters
                      worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay
                      longer so I would be 'safe'.  If I had escaped I would likely have frozen
                      walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by
                      Florida standards.
                         Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use.  The half-life last for
                      3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely
                      out of your system. 
                         Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the
                      hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy.  My
                      only lucky break so far.
                         But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense
                      craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to
                      hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. 
                      This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police
                      via hotline tip.  He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a
                      long time.  If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or
                      beaten the crap out of me.
                         I had intended to buy three bags. 
                         I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all
                      my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have
                      people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
                         I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that
                      I'm home now.     But I still want to use; its like an aching inside.
                      Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it
                      stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go
                      back to that f@#*king hospital again.  Otherwise, I want to be high more
                      than anything in the world.
                         Please help me.




                      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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                      02:35:00
                    • Angela Quillen
                      Thank you soooo much 4 your story. I have decided to delay the w/drawal process for a few months atleast, due to the fact that I transferred clinics from
                      Message 10 of 19 , Jan 19, 2010
                      • 0 Attachment
                        Thank you soooo much 4 your story. I have decided to delay the w/drawal process for a few months atleast, due to the fact that I transferred clinics from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach.




                        ________________________________
                        From: Vito Georgievski <vitodov@...>
                        To: dolophinea methadonia <dolophinea_cafe@yahoogroups.com>
                        Sent: Wed, January 6, 2010 9:23:32 AM
                        Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process




                        Hi Clude,Ange,Rokki and all,mega


                        I want to say something what can help or at least to share my experience with the  methadone.I live in Macedonia(South Eastern Europe),country where doctors,so-called experts made stupid rule that daily dosage of methadone can't be above 120mg/per day.They have made  a rule which is not evidence based but even so they refuse to give more than 120mg/per day.
                        I am fighting for the individual dosage for more than 5 years.They decide to give me 150 mg/per day only for me(out of 500 clients who are on MMT) but the price what i have had to pay was transferring me from methadone clinic to psychiatric hospital.
                        What I want to say:maybe you have lot of things to improve but at least you are not facing with stupid rules,you have TH doses and human approach with the staff in clinics.
                        So as somebody else say methadone is a long term process but divided in phases.Each phase need  some time which is btw again very individual .
                        If I was you i will not rush with tapering down.One year is very short time for methadone.Now days here in my country doctors again are giving interwies where they are introducing bubrenofine/suboxone like a magic drug which will solve the parents problems(what a stupidity like parents will be on this medication) without saying what are the bad sides of this drug.
                        I really want to say that i don't have anything negative to say about this drug because I have made my choice which is methadone,so everyone have to have right to chose but all therapeutic approaches like slow release morphine for example.

                        Just want to share my expirience with the methadone from other perspective and I'll be very happy if I can help very little.I am on methadone for more then 12 years,working,married and very happy.

                        I am wishing you all happy new year,

                        Best wishes,

                        Vito

                        PS Rokki my dear  where are you and what is going on


                        To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@...
                        From: hopjr@...
                        Date: Sun, 3 Jan 2010 01:55:28 -0500
                        Subject: Re: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process






















                         


                           
                             
                             
                              The rule of thumb as far as switching from methadone to suboxone is if one needs more than 60mg of methadone to be fully stable then usually suboxone won't suffice. 170 is a long way from 30mg as that is the max dose you should be on the lower the better for the switch. I know most want to switch because of the freedom involved but suboxone does not work for everyone just as methadone isn't for everyone. Wish you the best but plan it out and research it completely.

                        Claude

                          ----- Original Message -----

                          From: Angela

                          To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com

                          Sent: Saturday, January 02, 2010 1:33 AM

                          Subject: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process



                        I am on 170 mgs/day, everyday going on a full year now!!!!I just want 2 start lowering my dose, SLOWLY, so that I can b able 2 successfully switch over to Suboxone.. I am also still waiting 4 Suboxone 2 go generic. I would love 2 hear anyones advice/opinions about all of this. - Thank U Soooo Much, Ange Q.



                        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






                           
                           

                           
                           






                                                 
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                      • Angela Quillen
                        Hi Claude! This is Ange here ( the one who started the whole ? about What s The Best Way To Start The W/Drawal Process )!!!! Anyways, I agree w/ alot that
                        Message 11 of 19 , Jan 19, 2010
                        • 0 Attachment
                          Hi Claude! This is Ange here ( the one who started the whole ? about "What's The Best Way To Start The W/Drawal Process" )!!!! Anyways, I agree w/ alot that you have to say. I think my main issue is FEAR!!!!! Fear alone keeps me from even entertaining the thought of being w/drawn from the methadone, regardless that its medically supervised. Very luckily for me both clinics I've been w/ are very good @ pretty much everything they should be good at.. Or I'm the lucky one. Regardless, fear is my issue. I just this week that just passed transferred from the Jacksonville Metro Treatment Ctr. to the Daytona Beach Metro Treatment Ctr. For privacy reasons, I will not put down my counselors name, but I've addressed this severe FEAR I have, & he is 100% understanding, & will help me every step of the way when I'm ready to start w/drawing. I did make the decision to hold-off for a few months on the w/drawal process because I would like to become much better
                          acquainted w/ my counselor & I am hoping that while doing this it will help w/ my mental block I'm having about this. If you or anyone else have any words of wisdom re: the fear I'm experiencing, I would love to hear it..    -  Thanx, Ange Q.




                          ________________________________
                          From: claude <hopjr@...>
                          To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@yahoogroups.com
                          Sent: Thu, January 7, 2010 1:13:00 AM
                          Subject: Re: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                           
                          Sheryl the half life for methadone is 24 hrs not 3 weeks the problem you incurred was that you went down too fast and then jumped off of 90mgs that is enough to put you into a bad w/d and being on a bad clinic is the biggest problem. methadone works when you are at a place that knows what they are doing and cares for the patients. The proper dose is not determined by weight or size as everyone's system is different, I don't know if you needed 200mg by reading your story but some do need that much and more there are others who may only need 80mg so when one's dose is being adjusted you don't want to go up too fast as it takes your body 5 days to adjust to a dose change and when you taper off in order for a pain free taper it should be no more than 2mg every 2-3 weeks. Methadone is a time commitment and for the medication and counseling and therapy to work one should expect to be on for at least 3 years and most may need to be on for life due to the damage
                          we do when we abuse opiates it rewires our brain chemistry. If you were on 200mg and you find suboxone to work for you then your body probably didn't need 200mg as the highest dose you can go up to on suboxone is 32mg and that is equivalent to about 60-80mg of methadone. and
                          if you are getting severe cravings on suboxone you may need an increase but suboxone doesn't stop the cravings as well as methadone. I wish you the best in your recovery.
                          Claude
                          ----- Original Message -----
                          From: Sherryl Sagendorf
                          To: DOLOPHINEA_CAFE@ yahoogroups. com
                          Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 3:03 PM
                          Subject: RE: [METHADONIA ] The Best Way To Begin The W/Drawal Process

                          I'm hoping that someone else to learn from my excruciating experience: I was on a walloping huge dose of methadone for 5 years (200mg). I'm 5/8" and aprox. 140lbs, 43 years old. I decided to jump-off methadone and took one week to get down to 90 mgs when I stopped paying the clinic (100 dollars a week!). I was also using cocaine every week because I was unemployed and depressed and 'just wanted to feel better'. That turned into me needing the coke versus just wanting it so I could just function everyday. The end result is that I went thru a very harsh detox. I voluntarily discharged myself from the clinic (New Port Richey, FL PAR SUCKS; do not go there unlless you absolutely have no other options!).
                          I ended up being admitted to the hospital for several days and tried to escape at night, but the RN caught me and told me that I was now Baker-Acted and the police would find me and bring me back and they would place me on the psychoward. This turned out to be a lie, but it scared me enough that I got back in my hospital bed. It was sheer misery. I ended up going to the hospital twice for severe stomache cramping due to withdrawal syndrome from the methadone.
                          The other patient in the room with me was recieving demeral shots in the butt which made things even worse for me because I was being given any relief and she was. I hated her and all of the staff. To make matters worse, only one of my three doctors showed up to assess me, so I had to stay longer so I would be 'safe'. If I had escaped I would likely have frozen walking home in my hospital gown because the temperature was freezing by Florida standards.
                          Methadone is the absolute worst drug you can use. The half-life last for 3 or more weeks, so a doctor cannot give you anything until its completely out of your system.
                          Now, I've been on Suboxone for several days and was discharged from the hospital only because they did not carry the drug in their pharmacy. My only lucky break so far.
                          But today, my first day back home, I had my first severly intense craving: I found an extra car key that my femal partner had forgotten to hide from me and my debit card and went to my drug dealers house to score. This is a man called "BAM" who I earlier this month turned into the police via hotline tip. He didn't answer the door although I was banging for a long time. If he had he probably would have given me a hot shot and/or beaten the crap out of me.
                          I had intended to buy three bags.
                          I told on myself when I got home. Now my partner and my mother took all my money away and hid all of the car keys. I'm very fortunate that I have people that still care for me after I've basically sold them out.
                          I'm lucky that I didn't get into a car accident and I'm so grateful that I'm home now. But I still want to use; its like an aching inside. Sometimes its so intense that I have to go out and look for drugs to make it stop. My insincere hope is to stay clean only because I do not want to go back to that f@#*king hospital again. Otherwise, I want to be high more than anything in the world.
                          Please help me.

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