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Fw: OT-Martha Stewart joke

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  • Mary A. Shukes
    Here is something I think you ll all enjoy. I came across it on one of my other lists and am forwarding it with permission, minus where it came from lest I
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 13, 1999
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      Here is something I think you'll all enjoy. I came across it on one of my
      other lists and am forwarding it with permission, minus where it came from
      lest I upset anyone again<g>. Hope y'all think it's as funny as I did.

      Mary

      To err is human, and boy, am I human


      > Sorry,
      > I couldn't resist passing this along. I apologize for not correcting the
      > formatting, but I think it is amusing enough to be worth reading.
      > Ruth
      >
      > ============================================================
      >
      > > > > > > Dear Santa,
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need
      >
      > > > > diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I
      >
      > > > only want one
      >
      > > > > little thing, and I want it deeply.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > > > >I want to slap Martha Stewart.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or
      >
      > > > > anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little
      >
      > > > cheek. I get
      >
      > > > > all
      >
      > > > > cozy inside just thinking about it.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women
      >
      > > > > across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be
      >
      > > > > giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden
      >
      > > > variety lives
      >
      > > > > aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good
      >
      > > > about ourselves
      >
      > > > > if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter,
      >
      > > > buffet-style
      >
      > > > > for dinner.
      >
      > > > > We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from
      >
      > hollyhock
      >
      > > > > dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold.
      >
      > > > Unless it's of
      >
      > > > > the furniture polish variety.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with
      >
      > > > > turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure
      >
      > > > out what to
      >
      > > > > do with it.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet
      >
      > > > > with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with
      Martha
      >
      > in
      >
      > > > > last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room
      >
      > > > on the page
      >
      > > > > for her ego. We
      >
      > > > > discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
      only
      >
      > > > > ordered
      >
      > > > > it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
      >
      > > > > Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could
      >
      > > > > microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The
      reporter,
      >
      > > > > Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests
      >
      > > > > you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah.
      >
      > > > > Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years
      >
      > > > > ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like
      >
      > > > popcorn and hot
      >
      > > > > chocolate,
      >
      > > > > has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The
      coffee
      >
      > > > > maker?
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes
      >
      > > > > adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell
      >
      > > > > "overkill"?
      >
      > > > > And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the
      dishwasher,
      >
      > > > > that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for
      >
      > > > > friends.
      >
      > > > > "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she
      >
      > > > > boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's
      >
      > > > > obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back.
      >
      > > > > In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if
      her
      >
      > > > > back is black and blue.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s",
      >
      > > > > and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain
      removal,
      >
      > > > > how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece
      of
      >
      > > > > advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the
      >
      > > > > Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets.
      They
      >
      > > > > step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by
      >
      > > > > tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the
      >
      > > > finer art
      >
      > > > > of
      >
      > > > > toilet bowl sanitation.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most
      >
      > > > > influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa,
      >
      > Madeline
      >
      > > > > Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed
      >
      > > > > peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them.
      In
      >
      > an
      >
      > > > > instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump
      off
      >
      > a
      >
      > > > > bridge.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy
      me.
      >
      > > > > I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
      >
      > > > > teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam
      >
      > in
      >
      > > > > Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing
      >
      > > > > out, it couldn't be held back.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.
      >
      > > > > Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on
      the
      >
      > > > > Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she
      >
      > > > > graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a
      >
      > > > > good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift
      >
      > > > this year.
      >
      > > > > > > >
      >
      > > > > You probably want to smack her yourself.
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
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