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EDIT - Multisport Journeys CO Timberline Lady Revelstoke - Kathy Waters

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  • richardglyon@att.net
    Kathy, Well done for two reasons. First, great Review; second, you ve pointed me to a Christmas present for a special friend, for whom I have the perfect
    Message 1 of 3 , Sep 15, 2013
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      Kathy,

      Well done for two reasons. First, great Review; second, you've pointed me to a Christmas present for a special friend, for whom I have the perfect slogan.

      Edits follow, in the usual BGT EDIT/Edit/Comment format. Why don't you re-post the dropped language (see ninth edit below) only so I can edit that before you upload.

      Cheers, Richard

      ###Manufacturer: Multisport Journeys, LLC###
      Edit: Consider noting their nickname, MSJ

      ###MSRP: US $40.00 + $2.50 surcharge for custom saying (optional):###
      EDIT: Delete the colon at the end of the line.

      ### "We literally burn the fuzz off of a fleece without burning through it to reveal sports designs.". ###
      EDIT: Delete one of the periods. If you're like me and always put the punctuation inside the quotation marks, drop the second one.

      ### The fleece is not lined, but all seams are overstitch to prevent fraying. ###
      EDIT: Unless "overstitch" is a term of art in sewing, use past tense – "overstitched."

      ###A drawstring cord with a plastic push-lock mechanism on the left side is integrated with the hem of the fleece so as to allow a closer fit to the bottom of the jacket ###
      EDIT: Need a period at the end of the sentence.
      Edit: You could delete "so as" without loss of meaning.

      ###Six-inch ( cm) side zippers open to reveal very large handwarmer pockets. These pockets are so generous, I can easily fix a one-liter water bottle in them if I so choose.###
      EDIT: Need the metric number – 15 cm
      EDIT: in one of them [or "in either of them" You need to make it clear that a one-liter bottle fits in one pocket.]

      ### I've worn or packed the Revelstoke on almost every backpacks ###
      EDIT: every backpack [singular]

      ### Temperatures have spanned four seasons now since receiving the Revelstoke, with lows as low as 20 F (7 C) ###
      EDIT: (-7 C)

      ###Because the Revel ###
      EDIT: Something was dropped here. Check your draft and re-insert.

      ### While the fleece is not waterproof, it does resist moisture and I did not get wet in a a couple of light drizzles. ###
      EDIT: Delete an "a."

      ###The Revelstoke is a good looking jacket with a semi-slim fit for women and it does not bunch up when wearing a backpack. ###
      Edit: good-looking [With a hyphen, as you have written above.]
      EDIT: when I'm wearing a backpack [I've never yet seen a sweater wearing a backpack.]

      ### If I was not wearing the jacket, I would generally lash it to the back of my pack ###
      EDIT: If I were not wearing [subjunctive verb]

      ### I've had this fleece for almost a year now and I love it! It still looks great even after many months of wear and at least 3 washings. ###
      Edit: I'd spell out "three."
    • Kathy Waters
      Wow, I really didn t do a very good job of proofreading this one! Sorry about that. I couldn t come up with anything that I might have been thinking of at
      Message 2 of 3 , Sep 16, 2013
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        Wow, I really didn’t do a very good job of proofreading this one!  Sorry about that.  I couldn’t come up with anything that I might have been thinking of at the time for that incomplete sentence, so I just deleted in.  So, I won’t bother re-post it for editing.  I’ll just delete the test file and upload, ok?  Do you want to create the folder or should I?  Thanks!

         

        Kathy

         

        From: BackpackGearTest@yahoogroups.com [mailto:BackpackGearTest@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of richardglyon@...
        Sent: Sunday, September 15, 2013 7:46 PM
        To: BackpackGearTest@yahoogroups.com
        Subject: [BackpackGearTest] EDIT - Multisport Journeys CO Timberline Lady Revelstoke - Kathy Waters

         

         

        Kathy,

        Well done for two reasons. First, great Review; second, you've pointed me to a Christmas present for a special friend, for whom I have the perfect slogan.

        Edits follow, in the usual BGT EDIT/Edit/Comment format. Why don't you re-post the dropped language (see ninth edit below) only so I can edit that before you upload.

        Cheers, Richard

        ###Manufacturer: Multisport Journeys, LLC###
        Edit: Consider noting their nickname, MSJ

        ###MSRP: US $40.00 + $2.50 surcharge for custom saying (optional):###
        EDIT: Delete the colon at the end of the line.

        ### "We literally burn the fuzz off of a fleece without burning through it to reveal sports designs.". ###
        EDIT: Delete one of the periods. If you're like me and always put the punctuation inside the quotation marks, drop the second one.

        ### The fleece is not lined, but all seams are overstitch to prevent fraying. ###
        EDIT: Unless "overstitch" is a term of art in sewing, use past tense – "overstitched."

        ###A drawstring cord with a plastic push-lock mechanism on the left side is integrated with the hem of the fleece so as to allow a closer fit to the bottom of the jacket ###
        EDIT: Need a period at the end of the sentence.
        Edit: You could delete "so as" without loss of meaning.

        ###Six-inch ( cm) side zippers open to reveal very large handwarmer pockets. These pockets are so generous, I can easily fix a one-liter water bottle in them if I so choose.###
        EDIT: Need the metric number – 15 cm
        EDIT: in one of them [or "in either of them" You need to make it clear that a one-liter bottle fits in one pocket.]

        ### I've worn or packed the Revelstoke on almost every backpacks ###
        EDIT: every backpack [singular]

        ### Temperatures have spanned four seasons now since receiving the Revelstoke, with lows as low as 20 F (7 C) ###
        EDIT: (-7 C)

        ###Because the Revel ###
        EDIT: Something was dropped here. Check your draft and re-insert.

        ### While the fleece is not waterproof, it does resist moisture and I did not get wet in a a couple of light drizzles. ###
        EDIT: Delete an "a."

        ###The Revelstoke is a good looking jacket with a semi-slim fit for women and it does not bunch up when wearing a backpack. ###
        Edit: good-looking [With a hyphen, as you have written above.]
        EDIT: when I'm wearing a backpack [I've never yet seen a sweater wearing a backpack.]

        ### If I was not wearing the jacket, I would generally lash it to the back of my pack ###
        EDIT: If I were not wearing [subjunctive verb]

        ### I've had this fleece for almost a year now and I love it! It still looks great even after many months of wear and at least 3 washings. ###
        Edit: I'd spell out "three."

      • richardglyon@att.net
        Kathy, Go ahead and do it yourself. Cheers, Richard ... Do you want to create the folder or should I? Thanks!
        Message 3 of 3 , Sep 16, 2013
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          Kathy,

          Go ahead and do it yourself.

          Cheers, Richard

          --- In BackpackGearTest@yahoogroups.com, "Kathy Waters" <kathy@...> wrote:
          >
          Do you want to create the folder or should I? Thanks!
          >
          >
          >
          > Kathy
          >
          >
          >

          >
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