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Edit - Camelbak Stoaway 100 - Csilla Tabor

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  • richardglyon
    Csilla, Excellent work on the revisions. I have only a few minor edits, but you ve flagged the one necessary re-write: Your bio is now 186 words, and you ll
    Message 1 of 4 , Nov 29, 2010
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      Csilla,

      Excellent work on the revisions. I have only a few minor edits, but you've flagged the one necessary re-write: Your bio is now 186 words, and you'll have to cut it back to about 100. I suggest removing unnecessary "history" and focus on where you are now. I've sent you a proposed revision off-list. Please look this over and craft it in your own words, being mindful of the limit on length.

      For your next OR, you can post a tinyurl by going to www.tinyurl.com, entering the full url in the proper box, and click on "make tinyurl." It's really quite simple.

      Here are your minor edits, in the same format as before. Rather than repost the entire OR, please repost only the abridged personal biography. When I approve that I'll set up a folder for posting the Review.

      Cheers, Richard

      <<EMAIL: ejjelicsillag@...>>
      Edit: You might want to spell out the punctuation (AT instead of @, DOT instead of .) to discourage spammers.

      <<Although it is listed as a winter hydration pack on the CamelBak website, I've used it primarily in warm to hot weather (55-85 degrees Fahrenheit, 13-30 degrees Celsius). >>
      EDIT: When reporting temperatures the BGT convention is to use only C and F, with no mention of degrees. So: (55-85 F, 13-30 C)

      <<The pack is fairly large in size due to its 100 oz capacity,>>
      EDIT: 100 fl oz

      <<There is a sturdy handle at the top of the pack that is useful for carrying, and it can also be hung from this handle in camp. >>
      Edit: The "it" is unclear as to antecedent (could be "handle" or "pack"). I'd say "the pack can also"

      <<On the back of the pack is a large pocket with a hook-and-loop closure in which you can stow the tube (hence the Stoaway name),>>
      Edit: We frown on use of the second person, because all to often it involves forbidden "projection" – reporting on another's possible experience. This isn't projection, but "I can stow" is still better.
    • Csilla
      Here is my revised biography: I have been camping and hiking for most of my life, mainly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Hungary, and Romania. Most
      Message 2 of 4 , Dec 11, 2010
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        Here is my revised biography:

        I have been camping and hiking for most of my life, mainly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Hungary, and Romania. Most of my backpacking experience is on short (one- to four-night) trips. I have slimmed down my pack considerably since my Girl Scout days, when the motto "be prepared" meant to carry anything you might possibly need, but I still would not call myself an ultralight hiker. On more recent trips, during which I have backpacked solo or with one or two others, I lightened my load to around 15 pounds (7 kilograms). I'm currently preparing to thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail with a light (15 pound [7 kilogram] base weight) pack.
      • richardglyon
        Csilla, At 113 words, still too long. Here s a suggested revision: I have been camping and hiking for most of my life, mainly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York,
        Message 3 of 4 , Dec 12, 2010
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          Csilla,

          At 113 words, still too long. Here's a suggested revision:

          "I have been camping and hiking for most of my life, mainly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Hungary, and Romania. Most of my backpacking experience is on one- to four-night trips. I have slimmed down my pack considerably since my Girl Scout days, but I still would not call myself an ultralight hiker. On more recent trips, during which I have backpacked solo or with one or two others, I lightened my load to around 15 pounds (7 kilograms). I'm currently preparing to thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail with a light (15 pound [7 kilogram] base weight) pack."

          After revising to get it to about 100 words (the above is 99), and you make the other edits in my earlier post, you're approved to upload at http://tinyurl.com/22smg6f

          Cheers, Richard
          --- In BackpackGearTest@yahoogroups.com, "Csilla" <ejjelicsillag@...> wrote:
          >
          > Here is my revised biography:
          >
          > I have been camping and hiking for most of my life, mainly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Hungary, and Romania. Most of my backpacking experience is on short (one- to four-night) trips. I have slimmed down my pack considerably since my Girl Scout days, when the motto "be prepared" meant to carry anything you might possibly need, but I still would not call myself an ultralight hiker. On more recent trips, during which I have backpacked solo or with one or two others, I lightened my load to around 15 pounds (7 kilograms). I'm currently preparing to thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail with a light (15 pound [7 kilogram] base weight) pack.
          >
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