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EDIT - Primus Windscreen - Chad Poindexter

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  • richardglyon
    Hi Chad, here are your edits in the standard format: EDIT is a required change, Edit a suggested change or request for clarification, and Comment a comment,
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2010
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      Hi Chad, here are your edits in the standard format: EDIT is a required change, Edit a suggested change or request for clarification, and Comment a comment, with no change required. After revising please repost here, with REPOST, the product name, and our name in the subject line, and with an html copy in the Tests/OR folder. Cheers, Richard

      EDIT: Delete the "Universal Drennan," here and elsewhere in your report. Primus sells it as "Windscreen," so that's what you must use.

      <<Initially I have obtained slightly heavy gear, but I am making efforts to go lighter.>>
      Edit: This would read better if you deleted "have." First clause talks about the past, second clause about the present, so I'd use past tense, then present.

      <<When Primus designed this windscreen, they did so with a purpose. A purpose to increase the stoves efficiency by using this windscreen in conjunction with the stove. >>
      Edit: Consider making this one sentence (rather than a sentence and a fragment) by changing the period after "with a purpose" to a colon.
      EDIT: stove's efficiency [with an apostrophe]

      << The windscreen is built by using three, smooth, light-weight pieces of aluminum, and six rivets. >>
      Edit: The comma after "three" isn't necessary.

      <<The left and right sides (two thicker, gray-colored pieces) of the windscreen is simply held together in the middle>>
      EDIT: are held together ["sides" takes a plural verb]

      << I have carried it with me on day hikes, overnight trips, three day trips and even on a 5 day trip.>>
      EDIT: Either "three-day trips" or "three one-day trips," depending on what you mean.
      Edit: Here and elsewhere consider writing out single-digit numbers ("five-day" instead of "5-day." Some places you do this, others not.
      Edit: 5-day [or five-day; either way with a hyphen]

      <<I have used this windscreen while cooking dinner for my wife and I, on a warm summer evening (around 90 F or 32 C) at an elevation of 4,450 ft (1356 m) atop a windy mountaintop, as well as breakfast for my son and I, >>
      EDIT: my wife and me
      EDIT: my son and me

      <<The temperatures dipped to around 20 F (-7 C) and we had snow, ice, and even some slight winds (around 10-15 mph or 16 - 24 kph). >>
      Comment: At that temperature I'm not sure I would characterize those winds as "slight!"

      <<I have also used the windscreen while at some local campgrounds and even while camping on the land behind my parents house.>>
      EDIT: parents' house [plural possessive]

      <<I have used this windscreen with only one stove, the Optimus Crux>>
      Edit/Comment: I'd identify the stove you used earlier in your report, for clarity. I do think it's proper to provide the detailed description of the stove here.

      << The windscreen came packaged inside a tiny gray box (as seen in the picture at the beginning of the report) which displays the windscreen attached to the Primus ExpressStove and fuel canister on one side, and a picture of the windscreen nested around a fuel canister on another. There are various types of information such as weights, measurements and a brief description of the windscreen printed at various places on the box as well. Inside the box, the windscreen was simply wrapped in a clear plastic bag.>>
      Edit: This isn't necessary; consider deleting it. This used to be (but no longer is) required for Test Reports, and doesn't really add to anything about performance.

      << On a good note, I have not had to provide any type of maintenance to the windscreen in any way. >>
      Edit: Consider deleing "in any way" as redundant.

      << It is hard for me to say if I would recommend this windscreen or not, as it's pros and cons are pretty close.>>
      EDIT: its pros and cons [possessive pronoun - no apostrophe]

      <<For complete information go here: Product Safety Information>>
      EDIT: The only link allowed is to the manufacturer's home page, so revise the text and remove the hyperlink.

      <<3. Its costly.>>
      EDIT: It's costly [It is - with an apostrophe. Or you could say "Its cost."]
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