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EDIT: Kelty Ion Hydration Pack - Jennifer Koles

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  • Roger Caffin
    EDIT: Kelty Ion Hydration Pack - Jennifer Koles Hi Jennifer Welcome to BGT. This OR is a good start, but lacks meat in two areas. 1. You have the bullet
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 8, 2005
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      EDIT: Kelty Ion Hydration Pack - Jennifer Koles

      Hi Jennifer

      Welcome to BGT. This OR is a good start, but lacks meat in two areas.

      1. You have the bullet version of the Product Information, but don't give me much of a word picture of what the pack
      looks like. We normally call this the Product Description. This is needed.

      2. You have described its use, but how well it has survived? Does it show signs of wear, abrasion, etc? We need this

      I also have a some small edits for you to fix, mainly in the area of grammar. This will be read by many, so we like to
      have the grammar as good as possible.

      When you have done these, could you please REPOST this OR on this channel. At the same time could you put the html
      version in the Tests / Owner Reviews folder on BGT please, along with any pictures you intend to use. We check the html
      version as well, for various things like a clickable manufacturer's URL and some details of the layout.

      Some of us have an unofficial convention here:
      EDIT: you must fix this
      Edit: you are advised to seriously consider this
      Comment: just that.
      However, if you think I have got something wrong or that what I am criticising is actually a matter of personal style,
      feel free to say so.

      In some cases I find problems with the layout of the text version. This can happen when an html file is badly
      converted - possibly by Yahoo. If this seems to be a problem, you could consider trying one of the free html/text
      editors such as Note Tab Lite: this one has a good conversion tool built in.

      In other cases where there are serious html problems, the source of this may be that you used Word to generate the html
      file. We have had extremely bad results from Word: in fact it has been responsible for most of the really bad layout
      problems I have ever seen. In addition, if you feed a cleaned-up html file through Word to fix just one small error,
      Word will usually completely rewrite the html into a mess.

      If Word is all you have, please save the file as 'web page, filtered' rather than as 'web page' or XML. The filtering
      does help slightly.

      Roger Caffin
      BGT OR Editor
      > Owner Review-Kelty Ion Hydration Pack
      > Date: October 24, 2005
      EDIT: we have a preferred heading format these days, and it would be nice if you could modify your thus by deleting
      'Date:' and inserting your name, thus:
      Owner Review - Kelty Ion Hydration Pack
      Jennifer Koles
      October 24, 2005

      > Reviewer Information
      EDIT: since the reader is first of all interested in the pack, we prefer that the Bio goes at the end of the OR.

      > Height: 5’5” (1.65 m)
      EDIT space required: 5' 5"

      > on short day hikes in elevations ranging
      Edit: 'at elevations' would sound better

      > from approximately 5500 ft to 10,000 ft (1676 m-3048 m).
      EDIT: the imperial heights are approximate, so the metric conversions should have similar accuracy. '1700 - 3000 m'
      would be fine.

      > color red, but this is a deeper shade of red.
      Edit: deeper than what? It would be better to write 'deep red'.

      > I adjusted the pack to fit me and it fits well. There
      > is a sternum strap, waist belt, and straps to adjust
      > the shoulder straps. The straps are easy to adjust.
      Comment: I was a bit uncomfortable with the change in tense in this section. I would have used only one tense - probably
      the past tense. However, it is acceptable as it stands.

      > Before my first hike I wanted to see how much gear I
      > can fit into it since the capacity is very small. I
      > was able to fit my digital camera, a lightweight
      Comment: more switching of tense. Not really good English.

      > I found this to get in the way of me filling it.
      Edit: 'my filling it' would be better English.

      > On the trail the pack fit well.
      EDIT: 'fitted well'

      > No discomfort noted on my shoulders or my waist.
      EDIT: not a complete sentence.

      > and I still get a wet spot on my back from sweating.
      Comment, pure comment: it always happens!

      > It is great for short day hikes when you just want to
      EDIT: 'when I want to ' avoids the BGT sin of 'projection'.
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