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82403EDIT: OR - Merrell Ventilators - Josh Breslow

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  • rayestrella1
    Sep 24, 2013
    • 0 Attachment

      Hi Josh,

       

      I am your editor for your second review. Thanks for the detailed review. I do have quite a lot for you to work on. Once corrected please repost here and put a new HTML version in the test folder. (Delete your old one while you are there please.)

       

      Ray

       

       

      ***Manufacturer: Merrell

       

      EDIT: it is Wolverine World Wide, Inc.

       

       


      ***Listed Weight: 1lb 14 oz/pair (850g)

       

      EDIT: I see it as 1 lb 8 oz on the site. Plus you need spaces at the “lb” and the “g”

       

       


      ***Shoe Type: Corss-training

       

      EDIT: “Cross”

       



      ***Support: Nylong Shank

       

      EDIT: Nylon

       

       



      ***Measured Weight: 3.5 oz (98 g) for S/M size

       

      I think you need to weigh them again, that can’t be correct, plus what is s/m size?

       

      EDIT: you need to credit Merrell for the picture you used

       

       

       

      *** The pair of shoes come in a nice but 100% recyclable cardboard box

       

      EDIT: comes

       

       

       

      *** I gave it a smell, it smells wonderful, almost like a new car.

       

      EDIT: “I gave it a sniff” or, “I smelled it”. If you give it a smell you are making it smell, not smelling.

       

       

      *** This wasn't a problem for an outdoor enthusiast like myself so I went ahead and lace them up.

       

      EDIT: laced

       

       

       

      ***The laces themselves are not ordinary laces, they are thick 3/16" (4mm) and round,

       

      EDIT: need a space at the mm, and put the numbers before “thick” they are 3/16" (4 mm) thick and round

       

       

       

      *** This will protect the shoes as well as my toes from any toe-stubbing impacts while on the trail.

       

      EDIT: your review jumps all over the place from past tense to present tense, and now future tense. You are reviewing a product that you have plenty of experience with. Therefore the sentence should be; This protects the shoes and my toes from toe-stubbing impacts while on the trail.

       

       

       

      ***The leather helps protect the shoe and give it support while the mesh helps it breathe.

       

      EDIT: and “gives” it

       

       

       

      *** My foot rests on a .18in (4.5mm) footbed

       

      EDIT: My foot rests on a 0.18 in (4.5 mm) footbed (You need spaces between numbers and the abbreviations always, and a 0 before decimals)

       

       

      ***The outsole is constructed of "Vibram Multi-Sport Sole/TC-5+ Rubber" and when new has a .2in (5mm) sole lug depth.

       

      EDIT: see above. Please go through the rest of the review looking for all instances of this.

      *** While walking on roads, the shoe does seem a bit stiff and doesn't seem to roll with the foot like a less stiff should would.

       

      EDIT: less stiff “shoe” would

       

       

       

      ***Once you hit the trails that feeling goes away and you welcome the solid structure.

       

      EDIT: We keep everything in the first person, no “you”s,  just “me” and “I”. Here is my canned explanation.

       

      Projection

       

      “When you tighten the laces on the boots, you pull the shoestrings in an out and upward motion. Then you tie it with a double knot and you are ready to go down the trail.”

       

      This is a very common way to write, but in doing so we just said what “other people” would do, not ourselves. This is projecting our thoughts onto the reader. We do not know how other people tie their shoes. We keep away from “you” and “your” in our writing.

       

      We are writing a review of “our” gear based on “our” experiences. So we need to keep it in the first person. Here is how it should look;

       

      “When I tighten the laces on the boots, I pull the shoestrings in an out and upward motion. Then I tie it with a double knot and I’m ready to go down the trail.”

       

       

       

      *** The shoes fit so well that even when wet they stay attached to your feet and do not slip and slide around which have caused blisters. They have incredible traction even when wet or snow covered. The extra protection on the toe-box is great when you have to kick-step in snow.

       

      EDIT: see above

       

       

       

      *** It was a long 3-day backpacking trip, pack load of about 20lbs (9.07kg) over 38 miles

       

      EDIT: need the metric conversion for the distance, plus all the spaces mentioned before

       

       

      ***I have one issue with these shoes that I have also had with other Merrell cross-training shoes.

       

      EDIT: Merrell does not call these cross-trainers (I have lows and mids myself), they call them hiking shoes. Maybe just say that you have seen the same problem with many of your Merrell shoes.

       

       

      ***Fabric seam in back of the shoe which can bother some people

       

      EDIT: don’t project your feelings on others (some people). Just keep it about you and your feelings about the shoe.