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  • rowen_g
    Yes, I know it s waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor, I just had to share.... Rowen A Cat s New Year s Resolutions My human will never
    Message 1 of 5 , Jan 3, 2002
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      Yes, I know it's waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor,
      I just had to share.... <GG>

      Rowen


      A Cat's New Year's Resolutions

      My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace
      with that.

      I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason
      after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

      I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

      I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed
      to stuff them down the sink's drain.

      I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
      home and boff them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
      plenty of roughage.

      I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
      and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
      took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

      I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
      growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

      I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass
      so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
      (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
      see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

      I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
      snacks.

      I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
      middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
      the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that
      my human can admire my "kill."

      I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
      night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

      We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
      Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while
      they're trying to sleep.

      Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

      I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
      If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
      behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
      the same thing again.

      I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
      to chase leaves.

      I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just
      as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

      I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
      after sitting in my water bowl.

      I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
      singe my bottom.

      I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
      something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
      human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

      If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

      It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
      before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

      When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
      not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

      When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
      It is not necessary to check every door.

      Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
      and try to open it up to get the birds out.

      I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
      feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
      to just fly in.

      I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

      The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
      will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
      floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
      personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

      Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
      have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just
      discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
      them appears in my window.

      I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying
      to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
      will really come true.

      When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
      attempt to catch them.

      I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
      family room floor trying to do sit ups.

      When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
      a hammock.

      Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

      I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
      installing a new board in her computer.

      I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
      on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

      I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

      I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
      emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

      Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
      house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
      I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
      finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

      I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
      sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

      I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
      likes to sleep once in a while.

      The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
      remain in its bowl.

      I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
      stay there until I get hungry.

      I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

      I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
      up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
      so that they adhere to the underside.

      I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
      writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
      instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!"
      and "GET HELP!!!!!"
      > >
      I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
      nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet
      me.

      I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
      they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

      If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
      the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

      If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
      mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
      even if it isn't as tasty.

      I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
      will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
      floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
      make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to
      make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
      my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

      A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.


      .
    • girl
      ... We have seven, and between them, nearly all are VERY true. I was laughing so hard that my dogs got scared and I had to get up and put them out. My fish, as
      Message 2 of 5 , Jan 3, 2002
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        Zohra Rawling wrote:

        >
        > --On Thursday, January 3, 2002 4:12 PM +0000 rowen_g <rowengr@...>
        > wrote:

        >>Yes, I know it's waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor,
        >>I just had to share.... <GG>
        >>
        >>Rowen
        >> A Cat's New Year's Resolutions

        > Oh Rowen thank you so much for posting this!
        >
        > I cannot stop laughing and so many of those happens at our house with
        > three cats.


        We have seven, and between them, nearly all are VERY true. I was
        laughing so hard that my dogs got scared and I had to get up and put
        them out. My fish, as usual were unconcerned ;)

        This really made my long day of sewing seem manageable.

        Marguerie, hoarse from laughing and very much refreshed!
      • Zohra Rawling
        --On Thursday, January 3, 2002 4:12 PM +0000 rowen_g ... Oh Rowen thank you so much for posting this! I cannot stop laughing and so many
        Message 3 of 5 , Jan 3, 2002
        • 0 Attachment
          --On Thursday, January 3, 2002 4:12 PM +0000 rowen_g <rowengr@...>
          wrote:

          >
          >
          > Yes, I know it's waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor,
          > I just had to share.... <GG>
          >
          > Rowen
          >
          >
          > A Cat's New Year's Resolutions
          >

          Oh Rowen thank you so much for posting this!

          I cannot stop laughing and so many of those happens at our house with
          three cats.

          ROFLOL!!!!


          Ysabella still laughing!
        • Greg and Dianne Stucki
          I don t know if this is from Harold Reynolds Bad Kitty page, but there is a smiliar set of Birdie Rules that is just as funny. I always had cats up until
          Message 4 of 5 , Jan 3, 2002
          • 0 Attachment
            I don't know if this is from Harold Reynolds' Bad Kitty page, but there is a smiliar set of Birdie Rules that is just as funny. I always had cats up until about five years ago, so I KNOW these Kitty Rules are true!

            ROFL

            Alisone
            ----- Original Message -----
            From: girl
            Sent: Thursday, January 03, 2002 12:32 PM
            Subject: Re: [Authentic_SCA] fwd: A Cat's Resolutions, OT



            Zohra Rawling wrote:

            >
            > --On Thursday, January 3, 2002 4:12 PM +0000 rowen_g <rowengr@...>
            > wrote:

            >>Yes, I know it's waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor,
            >>I just had to share....   <GG>
            >>
            >>Rowen
            >> A Cat's New Year's Resolutions

            > Oh Rowen thank you so much for posting this!
            >
            > I cannot stop laughing and so many of those happens at our house with
            > three cats.


            We have seven, and between them, nearly all are VERY true. I was
            laughing so hard that my dogs got scared and I had to get up and put
            them out. My fish, as usual were unconcerned ;)

            This really made my long day of sewing seem manageable.

            Marguerie, hoarse from laughing and very much refreshed!



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          • Carolle M Cox
            Rowen, you must have the most amazing cat!! Thanks for sharing! Gerita ... From: rowen_g To: Sent:
            Message 5 of 5 , Jan 3, 2002
            • 0 Attachment
              Rowen, you must have the most amazing cat!! Thanks for sharing!

              Gerita


              ----- Original Message -----
              From: "rowen_g" <rowengr@...>
              To: <Authentic_SCA@yahoogroups.com>
              Sent: Thursday, January 03, 2002 10:12 AM
              Subject: [Authentic_SCA] fwd: A Cat's Resolutions, OT


              >
              >
              > Yes, I know it's waaay OT, but after I picked myself up off the floor,
              > I just had to share.... <GG>
              >
              > Rowen
              >
              >
              > A Cat's New Year's Resolutions
              >
              > My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace
              > with that.
              >
              > I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason
              > after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
              >
              > I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
              >
              > I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed
              > to stuff them down the sink's drain.
              >
              > I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
              > home and boff them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
              > plenty of roughage.
              >
              > I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
              > and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
              > took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
              >
              > I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
              > growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
              >
              > I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass
              > so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
              > (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
              > see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
              >
              > I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
              > snacks.
              >
              > I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
              > middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
              > the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that
              > my human can admire my "kill."
              >
              > I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
              > night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
              >
              > We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
              > Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while
              > they're trying to sleep.
              >
              > Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
              >
              > I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
              > If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
              > behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
              > the same thing again.
              >
              > I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
              > to chase leaves.
              >
              > I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just
              > as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
              >
              > I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
              > after sitting in my water bowl.
              >
              > I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
              > singe my bottom.
              >
              > I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
              > something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
              > human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
              >
              > If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
              >
              > It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
              > before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
              >
              > When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
              > not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
              >
              > When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
              > It is not necessary to check every door.
              >
              > Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
              > and try to open it up to get the birds out.
              >
              > I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
              > feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
              > to just fly in.
              >
              > I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
              >
              > The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
              > will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
              > floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
              > personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
              >
              > Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
              > have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just
              > discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
              > them appears in my window.
              >
              > I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying
              > to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
              > will really come true.
              >
              > When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
              > attempt to catch them.
              >
              > I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
              > family room floor trying to do sit ups.
              >
              > When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
              > a hammock.
              >
              > Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
              >
              > I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
              > installing a new board in her computer.
              >
              > I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
              > on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
              >
              > I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
              >
              > I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
              > emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
              >
              > Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
              > house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
              > I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
              > finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
              >
              > I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
              > sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
              >
              > I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
              > likes to sleep once in a while.
              >
              > The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
              > remain in its bowl.
              >
              > I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
              > stay there until I get hungry.
              >
              > I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
              >
              > I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
              > up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
              > so that they adhere to the underside.
              >
              > I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
              > writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
              > instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!"
              > and "GET HELP!!!!!"
              > > >
              > I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
              > nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet
              > me.
              >
              > I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
              > they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
              >
              > If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
              > the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
              >
              > If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
              > mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
              > even if it isn't as tasty.
              >
              > I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
              > will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
              > floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
              > make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to
              > make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
              > my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
              >
              > A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
              >
              >
              > .
              >
              >
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