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19760Fwd: [E_LIST] April Fools report

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  • Gwendoline Rosamond
    Apr 1, 2002
      From the Ealdormere list...


      >Arts & Sciences Report of the Fool
      >April 1, AS XXXVI
      >Policy Decisions:
      >I am now accepting résumés and auditions for a special Corporate Deputy
      >? the Ivy Prince Consort.
      >Applicants must be young, good-looking males who meet the following
      >1. Not currently on any anti-psychotic medication;
      >2. Have sufficient means to support me financially in the manner to
      >which I wish to become accustomed; and
      >3. Can bench-press me.
      >Please refer all suitable applicants to me as soon as possible.
      >Action Items:
      >Surely the check for the Ivy Coronet and Imperial Robes has been delayed
      >in the mail?
      >Kingdom Items:
      >Master Cariadoc of the Bow has been arrested by the CIA for holding too
      >much information. CIA agent [name withheld] said, “Mr. Cariadoc knows
      >far too much to be human. We suspect he is a robot sent here from Osama
      >Bin Laden to gather information to destroy the western world as we know
      >it. We have detained him and will begin dissecting him this afternoon
      >for further study.” Laurels’ rights groups have been outside CIA
      >headquarters protesting this, but the CIA’s claim that Cariadoc is
      >really an advanced robot makes it invalid under US law to extend rights
      >to him. They say that initial x-rays do not show metal or any non-period
      >computerized materials, but they still insist that they will have to
      >dissect him to find out for sure.
      >In order to comply with the Bilingual Education Amendment, all reports
      >from Ansteorra will be required to be in both Old English and Medieval
      >Spanish, complete with Castilian lithp. Note the new spelling of
      >An Tir:
      >The Barony of Madrone’s new Starbuck’s Guild Charter: “From out of the
      >Dark Ages of the Inquisition came a whole new order. This order
      >understood the evil within mankind that could make a person drink
      >anything else but Coffee. After painful (for others) Thaumaturgical
      >research they made contact with Other Beans and learnt a whole new way
      >of Power, that Power is through the mastery and consumption of Coffee.
      >The Path of Eviler Percolations is based on the lesser Evil Percolations
      >but don’t think they are the same.” Quite frankly, they frighten me.
      >The Kingdom has decided that it will have Arts & Sciences events in
      >other Kingdoms to increase the chances of receiving any bids on the
      >events. They have decided to further divide the office into 15 equal
      >parts: one for each of the seven sins, the seven virtues, and one to be
      >the finder of people to host the A&S events. A&S entries will require a
      >color code on the documentation: red means “I only want to hear how
      >wonderful I am ? no critique.”
      >Fall Crown Tourney had to be relocated due to interference from the
      >Needleworkers Guild. The embroiderers who had gathered to support the
      >fighters while they stitched apparently created so much noise with
      >shouted suggestions and commentary on the bouts that the fighters
      >couldn’t hear the instructions from the marshals. “We finally moved out
      >to the highway median where it was quiet,” reported the Earl Marshal. “I
      >tried to get them to move, but after an hour of trying I hadn’t managed
      >to get a word in edgewise.” In response, the Needleworkers Guild issued
      >a statement that the Earl Marshal “throws like a girl.”
      > Arts & Sciences Report of the Fool
      >April 1, AS XXXVI
      >Kingdom Items, continued:
      >Since the return to Atlantis, there have been more advances in the field
      >of alchemy: Atlantia is the first Kingdom to have a working
      >Philosopher’s Stone! The Kingdom issued a press release announcing that
      >their site fee policy has changed, and that their Majesties will be
      >attending … everything.
      >The Caidan team for the television show “Junkyard Wars” on The Learning
      >Channel took home the trophy with their winning entry. The competition
      >was to make a catapult in 10 hours with junk found on site. The Caidan
      >trio not only completed their project on time, they made two additional
      >trebuchets and a mangonel, all out of period materials, complete with
      >documentation. Athough The Learning Channel executives were confused,
      >The History Channel has signed Caid to a 12 part series.
      >With much sorrow I’m forced to report that due to a tragic
      >misunderstanding, the Crown suspended all A&S competitions in Calontir.
      >Apparently, there has been a large influx of new players in the region
      >during the last quarter, many of them becoming artisans. Normally this
      >would be a good thing, until one event held a “Falcon-in-any-medium”
      >competition. As I understand it, one of the newest cooks didn’t quite
      >comprehend the significance of the Falcon, causing quite an uproar. I
      >think that once the Queen is back from the hospital and the Fyrdmen stop
      >attacking cooks on site, things will return back to normal. On a
      >positive note, I’m hoping the cook will recover from his injuries soon
      >and rejoin us, as the pie was actually quite tasty.
      >Drachenwald’s A&S competitions have fallen into disarray, due to
      >pressure to increase the authenticity of the entries. Having so many
      >artifacts around for comparison purposes, the entries are being judged
      >as substandard. One particularly zealous judge was seen scrutinizing
      >artifacts from the local museum. While the artifacts were scored high in
      >craftsmanship and design, they lost a lot of marks for lack of
      >documentation. There were also complaints about the damage/filthiness of
      >the artifacts. “You would think people could take a little pride in
      >their work and avoid burying their work in the ground.”
      >This office continues to receive baffling communiqués postmarked from
      >Ealdormere which read:
      >“We interrupt this broadcast of seditious and totally baseless
      >propaganda to remind you that there is no such thing as Celtic Ninjas.
      >There never was, and never will be. No one is here. No one is talking to
      >you. You are sitting back in your chair, drinking a nice mug of ale.
      >Trust your Kingdom. Arts & Sciences are not being influenced by Celtic
      >Ninjas, because there are No Such Things. That is All.”
      >Dame Martha Stewart released her Laurels’ Planning Calendar for AS
      >XXXVI. Suggested activities for the new year include: Drain city
      >reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks;
      >Organize spice racks by genus and phylum; Get new eyeglasses; grind
      >lenses myself; Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
      >fashion cat-o’-nine-tails ? flog gardener; and repaint Sistine Chapel
      >ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
      >I’m sure you’ve seen the news on CNN. The main attraction at this year’s
      >A&S Faire was an exceptionally detailed research paper on the Black
      >Plague. Both the judges and the populace thought the little petri dishes
      >on the display were pretty cool. Being the sticklers for authenticity
      >that the Meridiens are, most of the attendees obligingly succumbed in
      >the requisite three days. The new interim A&S minister tells me A&S in
      >the Kingdom will be a little dead for a while. There was also a populace
      >vote to bring back malaria in select swamp areas.
      > Arts & Sciences Report of the Fool
      >April 1, AS XXXVI
      >Kingdom Items, continued:
      >In an effort to liven up the dull recitation of the increasingly lengthy
      >royal lineage at each coronation, the bards of Northshield proved that
      >all names do indeed scan to “Greensleeves” and sang the lineage instead.
      >The ceremony was definitely lively; the event also marked the largest
      >mass banishment of bards in Society history. (Lawyers are currently
      >researching whether the purposeful torture of innocents through song is
      >grounds for mundane legal action as well).
      >An attempt was made to prove that the death of King Fjolne could not
      >have happened as recorded in the Norse Kings Saga. In the saga, King
      >Fjolne drowned after falling into a vat of beer in the middle of the
      >night. A two-story keg was built and filled as per the description, but
      >when volunteer Sir Avram threw himself in, he had no difficulty drinking
      >it dry in time to prevent any danger. “The only thing we can figure is
      >that King Fjolne must have been on the way to the privy ? when he fell
      >in, he must have died of blood poisoning when his bladder exploded.” Sir
      >Bertrand was so inspired by this bit of experimental archeology that he
      >has volunteered to help put plans in the works to make a second attempt
      >? only this time with port.
      >Two new A&S categories have been introduced: Lord of the Rings Text
      >Study & Analysis, and Re-Creation of Items and Garb from the films.
      >Master Gregory visited Rome in the 13th century and described a cast
      >iron statue of Bellerophon and his horse suspended in mid-air by means
      >of magnetic stones built into an arch that perfectly attracted the
      >15,000 pounds of iron. (A Medieval Miscellany, pg 93). Western Laurels
      >are currently embarking on a project to re-create this statue full size
      >but out of those little refrigerator magnets, so far with limited
      >To the newest Middle Eastern Costuming & Dance Laurel of El D’Ormere,
      >His Excellency Sir Menken.
      >Publishable Report Summary:
      >The A&S office applauds the decision to offer a fourth Peerage order
      >specifically for comedy.
      >With tongue firmly in cheek,
      >Mistress Rowena of Avalon, Hedera Helix Plectranthus Nummularius, Laurus
      >Ivy Queen of Arts