BBS: Toad Hall BBS
Date: 11-15-94 (01:54) Number: 44873
From: STELLA WIRK
To: MARCELLE (& OTHERS)
Subj: The next letter. COPY
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----------------
LETTER RECEIVED RECENTLY; FWD COPY TO YOU F.Y.I.
November 1994

Dear friend,

In an attempt to prevent me from talking to others about my
experiences with him, Robert has forbidden me to come to Renaissance
(or Apollo). I write this letter for those who are interested.

When I came to Renaissance in the spring of 1986 I had been in the
school for one year. In the center I had been told numerous stories
by the center directors as to how a great, almost saintly person the
Teacher was. Having come to the Fellowship needy of emotional and
spiritual support I was willing to believe these reports at face
value.

After a few weeks of living at Renaissance, following a heavy
drinking 'symposium', Robert took me inside of one of the Academy
rooms and wanted to have sex with me.

When I told him that I did not want this because I had no homosexual
feelings, nor did I want to see myself assume those practices, Robert
dismissed my arguments by saying that I should externally consider
him as my teacher.

Partly out of fear for this 'all powerful' being, partly not to want
to feel guilty or judged, but largely because of the energy with
which Robert approached me, I was left with the feeling I had no
choice.

While Robert went about his business of trying to stimulate an orgasm
from me which he was going to receive orally I pointed out to him
that I was covering my face with my hands out of shame. Robert
retorted that this was a good opportunity for work for me.

This was the beginning of my functioning as a sexual servant which
lasted for several years.

In order to bear my plight I kept on telling myself that it was my
play to transform this kind of suffering and that learning selfless
servitude might eventually benefit my soul. I also tried to stimulate
in me the belief that since Robert was conscious, being in his
presence had to basically be a good thing.

Robert tried to assure me that what was going on between us was the
wish of C-Influence, and that the worst thing I could do was to
resist their plans. He also explained his attraction to men not as
homosexuality but as the result of his being an angel and a cosmos
above men, just like men's attraction to women stemmed, he would add,
from men being in a cosmos above women.

It was when I eventually met a woman (soon to become my wife) who
cared enough to point out to me that it was up to me to take
responsibility for my life, that I found the third force needed to
let Robert know that I did not want to continue serving him in this
fashion.

He got very upset over this and from one day to the other what he had
called 'love' turned into hostility, resentment, and a total ignoring
of us as his students. It was here that it became really clear to me
that I had never been a 'friend' or a 'student' but had been used for
one sole purpose: Robert's sexual gratification. There had been no
love, let alone conscious love.

In the five years that followed we have never been allowed to have
dinner with our 'Teacher', nor were we given consideration when we
asked for help during great medical expenses while working on salary
at Renaissance.

During this period Robert did, however, call me numerous times on the
phone asking me if I would again 'come in his mouth' (his words), for
which he would, among other things, offer to pay my voice lessons,
knowing that these were important to me and that I had a hard time
finding funding for them. Needless to say, at this point I never as
much responded to his requests or 'offers'.

Much effort has been directed towards covering up information such as
which is disclosed in this letter. There has also been a collective
buffering among Fellowship members as regards Robert's practices.

How can people who pride themselves in having evolved levels of being
tolerate this? I am convinced that many of the prevailing attitudes
in the Fellowship are based on religious faith, such as those
regarding unverifiable issues like Robert's consciousness; the
Fellowship being an arc [sic] for a new civilization; the division of
humanity into 'students' and 'life people', and the alleged spiritual
superiority of Fellowship members over non-members.

I hope that you will have the courage to challenge your attitudes and
see them for what they are. For the sake of your evolution.

Your friend,

s/WP*
(*name withheld by request)

_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

[Following was first distributed in October 1994. All addresses
hereon have changed since then, and this piece not updated with new
address information.]
Hello all, (letter sent by Stella to email list of ex-FOF members)

Here's a guy who is going to need friends to communicate with him and
he certainly will discover who is friends *are*. Please respond to
him if you wish. Here is what I received from him in snail mail today
(October 13, 1994):

Mailed to Stella on Oct. 11, 1994 - Marysville, CA postmark

From Richard Laurel (Richard Buzbee, legal name)
Box 684
Oregon House, CA 95962

[A hand-written letter of introduction was attached atop a small pile
of papers, below:]



Hi Stella,
I don't know if you can remember me. Richard Buzbee is my legal name.
I came from the Dallas, Texas center with my son back in 1977.
Reddish face, blonde hair and carrying around a lot of fear back
then, most of which I unloaded over time.

Here [enclosed] is a letter and two chapters that I sent out to all
people in the Fellowship that I knew. I was removed from the school
for sending it out, of course, and am now watching to see the
response, and to proceed to the next step which should make itself
clear hopefully. A group of students here at Renaissance is forming
and want to take steps to remove Robert. An obvious step is the legal
one but I would like to see what can be done by the group themselves.

If you have some ideas then please contact me. My phone # is 916-692-
1566 and my address is on the envelope. [see above]

I have read several books -"The Wrong Way Home," "Captive Hearts -
Captive Minds," "Combatting Cult Mind Control," but the best by far
seems to be "The Guru Papers." It has led me into the light and
helped me to take back my dignity as a human being - not a "chosen"
human being, not special, not lucky - just a human being trying to
make my way through this experience of life on planet earth. So from
one human being to another, I send you these things because I thought
you would be interested.

Richard.




[The following letter enclosed with the above hand-written message,
and, as Richard wrote, was sent to everyone he knew in FOF:]
Dear Friend,

I am writing to you and several others because I value your
friendship and regard you as someone with whom I can be honest and
open. I decided to write to you because there have been some stories
spreading through the school about myself and Robert, and I would
like to clarify the situation. Also, I'm afraid that what happened to
me is already being covered up and may soon disappear, like many
things that have happened to others before.

I was asked by Robert to buy a gun and become night guard at his
house. I accepted because I considered this to be an opportunity to
learn from him, and to protect him from harm. I went with complete
trust in Robert and a desire to serve. After accepting the position,
I was informed that one of the duties required of all guards was to
give Robert massages when he asked for them.

One morning, as I massaged Robert's back, without saying a word he
sat me at the head of his bed on my knees. He then pulled down my
pants, began sucking my penis, and asked me to come in his mouth.
This was all done without my consent, very impersonally, without
concern for me as a human being (married with a family), and without
concern for me as a student wishing guidance to evolve. I felt
betrayed and used by the man who I thought was my spiritual father. I
quit the job and went off salary.



You might imagine that having sex with Robert is different from
having sex with other people, that Robert somehow uses sex for
teaching, or that it would make you more emotional, closer to the
miraculous. But it wasn't emotional, and involved no teaching. While
Robert was using me for sex, I was nothing more than an object,
something to be used to satisfy his own sexual desires.
Afterward, when I began discussing this experience with some of my
closest friends, I discovered that many of them had been used by
Robert for sex in a similar way. However, the greatest shock came
from my son Troy, who told me that Roert had been actively pursuing
him for sex from the time he entered the school--at age seventeen.
While he was growing up, I taught Troy that Robert was like a God,
someone he could trust fully in every regard. I thus unknowingly set
him up to be used by Robert for sex.



Robert had told Troy (and many others with whom I have subsequently
spoken), that C Influence wanted Troy to have sex with him. Robert
also offered money and privileges in exchange for sex. During sex,
Robert uses no protection against AIDS, herpes, or any other sexually
transmitted disease, despite the fact that he has sex with many
partners. On many of the nights I was a guard at his house, there was
a succession of male students coming and going from his room.
If Robert removes me from the Fellowship because I have distributed
this letter, I want you to know that I will still consider myself a
member, and will support the school in any way I can. This our school-
-we have built it and paid for it. As a group, we have accumulated so
much being; some people have been working on themselves for twenty
years or more. To walk away from the school after learning about
Robert's actions is to say that the school is his, and that we are
powerless. But this is not true. We just need to trust ourselves and
have the courage to come together and say no to actions that harm us.
We not only have the right to do this, we also have the
responsibility to bring the facts about Robert's activities into the
open, where they can be fairly considered by all of his students.

Since this experience with Robert, I have been given several books by
other people who have had similar experiences with him, and who were
trying to understand the reasons for it. With this letter, I am
enclosing chapters from two books that speak directly to our
situation in the Fellowship. [Chapters not included here.]


Please feel free to share my letter and these chapters with other
students. I would be interested in receiving a note or letter from
you as to your thoughts and suggestions about what I've written here.
Perhaps a plan of action will evolve through our efforts together. I
sincerely hope this letter will encourage others to speak openly
about Robert, the school, and their experiences. If the school is
healthy, it should stand up under any honest inquiry.
In friendship,
Richard Laurel (a.k.a. Richard Buzbee)
October 1994

=============================================================
[As I understand it, Richard Buzbee was given "medical leave" to seek
help from a psychiatrist. Typical FOF effort is to attempt to
discredit what he had written in his letter by casting doubts on his
mental condition. He did NOT need a psychiatrist.]

_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Un-retouched nor edited, except to add paragraph separations for
easier reading, copy of email msg received to the list maintained for
former members of the Fellowship of Friends.
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 1997 17:44:13
From: richard buckley
Subject: Greetings!!
Greetings All!!

Was pointed towards this list via Stella after reading the 10/12/97
S.F. Chronicle article and making a contact with her. I've been
sitting back for a few days, going though most of the posts, trying
to get a feel for what's going on here. Quite a lively list!! I
quickly had to set up it's own folder just to keep my inbox down to a
comprehensible size! Despite the commotion going down with the 'hot
topic o' the day', I pick up an overall feeling of general cyber-
commeraderie and kindness---things most woefully lacking from many,
if not most, electronic gatherings of people I run across on daNet.

I'm getting a hoot out of seeing names and reading posts from people--
of which some have very clear faces--others are a little foggy--but
most I have no clue as to who they be!! Old dusty memories and a big
mixed bag of feelings have gotten rattled around inside here.
Amazing!! Really!!

Anyhoo, my FOF story, in a microscopic nutshell, be as follows:

1) Joined in Portland 4/74...

2) Moved to the Bay Area in 1976---To the Kensington House---does
anyone remember that nutty place??-- where I shared a little bedroom
with four other men--sleeping on the floor--I think 17-18 people
lived in this house at a time!! I worked as a grunt for
Anthony 'Somebody's' 'Fourth Way Lawn and Garden Service'. I remember
customers would ask me what the other three ways of gardening
were!!!. I can't remember exactly how I responded but can imagine
what a fairly new "good" student back then might say. Had to
be 'intentionally insincere' with those life people ya know. What I
wouldn't give to roll that old film a little more clearly today!!
haha

3) Late '76 'til sometime in '78 was sent out to Cincinnati where,
after meetings, we'd go to discos instead of coffee shops. Lotsa of
sex and partying coupled (pun most intended) with lotsa crazy stupid
guilt. Meanwhile, while I'm trying to reconcile my raging hormonal
youthful lust for life with FOF ideas and 'suggestions' re: sex and
relationships, the person that I had transferred my deepest trust on
to is raping young men back in Calif.. Huh?????!!!!

4) Moved back to Renaissance in '78--or was it called Renaissance
yet??-- worked at the lodge as 'assistant maitre'd' for a little
while. More memories bubbling up to the surface----I remember the FOF
had bought out a Selix store's surplus of used tuxedoes--which seems
like it was the general working uniform of the day back then--and all
these men crowded into the 'barn' getting fitted into these penguin
suits (I remember fighting with Bruce Levy over a pair of pants. We
were the same pip-squeak size and there was little for us to choose
from) which we had to buy for the amazingly low, low price of
{{{{$44.00}}} which was not so amazingly low- as I remember- I think
I was getting around $75./month on salary!!! Eventually ended up
working in the vineyard driving tractors. One day, while I playing
tractor jockey and mowing terraces, the mower hit a rock and started
a fire that burned down more than 10 acres!! Now there's a gem I
haven't thought about in a decade or so! Interesting process, typing
out this stuff.

5) Some time in '79 , as I was courting Helen Drake (who, BTW, is
alive & well; remarried and living in Sonoma Co.) Robert asked me to
move into the Blake cottage. Well, this was like hitting the big time
for me.

I felt as though I must be doing something right to be singled out
for this honor. Little did I know. I was absolutely and completely
clueless. I remember a day or so before I moved in Don Biagi said to
me "living in the Blake cottage is very different than what you might
think"---And I just let that one sail way over my head. Little did I
realize--Don Knew!! Anyway, two days after I moved in RB made his
move on me. **Recalling this particular episode in my life has the
flavor of a weird distorted acid-trip**

I remember that even when he told me to take off all my clothes no
alarm-bells went off. But when he touched me-- every thing went off
like a nuclear explosion. Every alarm, every siren, every cautionary
sentinel of my being was set off shrieking and screaming. "Warning,
Will Robinson. Danger! Danger!!" I remember--now for the first time
since then---that I felt like I was going to pass out. Like I was
getting swallowed up by something way too monstrously big for me to
handle. All the trust and love that I had transferred onto this guy--
the person that was--to me, at the time---my ultimate caretaker, the
caretaker of my very soul---was blown completely and utterly away in
the fraction of the few moments it took me to comprehend what was
coming down.

Incredibly, somehow, I was able to say to him that I did not feel
comfortable with what he was doing. And just as incredibly, he did
not push the issue with me. He did not use his "C-influence wishes
this" bullshit line on me---but let me go back to my room to be alone
with my horror.

Two days later he called me into his room saying--and I will never
forget exactly what and how he said this--"Goodness, I think it would
be a good idea if you moved out of the Blake cottage".

I had no great compulsion to argue the request---I ran!!!! The entire
length of my residency there = 5 days.

I remember a few days after I moved out a couple of high
profile 'good' squeaky clean students said things to me inferring
that I did not have the *Being* it takes to be around the Teacher on
such an intimate basis, as though it was some character flaw of mine
that got me thrown out!! In some ways they were very correct. I kept
my mouth shut. And if I continue to hold onto any regrets, its that I
didn't say anything about my experience until several years later.

6) Come 1980 Helen and I married and I continued to work in the
vineyard but my whole inner landscape was changing rapidly. No big
surprize there,duh!

The outward form of the School began to have less and less meaning
for me and I began to seek out and really cherish other students who--
for lack of a better desciption--were out on the fringes of
acceptable FOF high society and tinged with not a small degree of
cynicalness. It was great!

I remember frequent bouts of heavy drinking get-togethers with other
vineyard 'badboys' where we'd sit around swearing and just generally
dissing the stinkiness of the hypocrisy so adhered to in the FOF
culture. "Fuck this" and "Fuck that" "What a big asshole so&so is"
and on and on.... Its exactly what I needed at the time and I'm
literally LOL as this stuff comes up on my screen.

I think, now, that this was the embryonic beginning of my recovery
and eventual healing!!! But, before any real tangible healing was to
occur, there were still some chasms in my being that I had to plummet.

I mentioned "heavy drinking" a few lines above. Well, for me it got
heavier and heavier. All the accumulated pain and loneliness of my
entire life seemed much nearer the surface after my 'RB experience'
and I did not have the resources to handle them in awareness.
Instead, I drank.

I pretty much drank like a fish right up until 1987 when the drinking
began to cease to work as an effective buffer against my pain and I
began to have this vague unsettling inkling that if I truly wanted to
reconnect with Life I had to start living it from the inside out
instead of taking it from the outside in. It was not a sudden
revelation or abrupt giving up of anything but much more a process of
which I still feel very much in the middle of today------And it is
all right!!!

7) Seems like I skipped a few years there maybe. Oh well.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, ;-) I continued to work in the vineyard
and invisibly come apart at my soul-seams. Its interesting sometimes
to play with what kept me from up and bolting from the FOF in 1980.
Different factors I think.

1: It was it was my life!! I had real friends!! I was married for
cyin' out loud!!

2: I still clung to the line, in one form or another, that RB once
gave to another student (who did bolt soon after hearing it) " It
would be better one were not born than leave the School" Scary
stuff!!!---but for different reasons today.

In 1984,when Sammy Saunder's Revelations reached the general FOF
public, I began to prepare for my final departure.

I took some general science courses at Yuba College and then early
in '85 moved back to the Bay Area and got a degree in Nursing finally
severing from the FOF sometime early in '86.

8) I'm really getting tired of typing! Suffice it to say that the
last 11 years of my life---post-FOF---have been uneventfully very
eventful. The process we're all on does not cease. No matter how much
I wish it would. No matter how much I whine & bitch about it---------
it goes on.

So, sometimes I find I can take a breath in and out and
say "Perfectimoso!!!!!!!!!"

Thanks All for letting me catharse. I feel sooooooooooo
much better!!!! ;-) ...

Wishing All Well-------------------------R

Oh yeah---a quote I wanted to throw in from Ram Dass that says a lot
to me re: RB ...

When asked what he thought about Hitler, he replied using the concept
of Duality. And, in part, said....

"In the world of Two we try to stop Hitler. In the world of One we
realize we are Hitler." seeya-----------r