This was turning out to be one big, fucking mess.
Mostly a mess Id made, too. Not that I wanted to
think about that part. It was true, though, and I
found I kept thinking about it, even though I tried
not to. So maybe it was time to stop trying not to
think about this mess, which was just getting bigger
and messier with not thinking about it. Maybe it was
time to try and figure out what to do about it.
First part to figuring out what to do about it was
being honest at least with myself that it was my
own doing. Id been trying my best to blame Scott.
For getting mixed up with Northstar and lying to me
about it. For not breaking it off with Jean, not
completely. And for talking all that warrior lovers
stuff and giving me ideas about shit that has nothing
to do with the real world. It was all a pack of lies
and I fell for it the love shit, the story about
what he wasnt doing with Northstar, the shit about
how he broke up with Jeannie, telling her it was over
for good all of it. Hook, line and sinker. So I
felt like a real jerk when I found out it was just
Only maybe it wasnt lies. I mean, I thought it was a
pack of lies and thats when I got so mad at him. But
then I found out some of it was true, so I dont know
about the rest. It turned out he did break up with
Jeannie, after all. I hadnt believed him, since he
wouldnt tell her about him and me, but then I found
out he told me the truth. The truth about what he had
said and what he hadnt. Hadnt told her about him
and me, but then there wasnt any him and me anymore
now so what have I got to be mad at about that? And
he did tell her it was over, told her as clear as can
be, just like hed said hed done. So how am I
supposed to stay mad at him for lying and saying hed
told her? Mad about it now I found out hed been
telling me the truth the whole time? Not that the
truth was helping any. Well, it helped make this mess
but thats my fault more than Scotts.
If he hadnt told her it was over between him and her,
that they were finished and done for good, then none
of the rest of this would have happened. She wouldnt
have come to me, looking for sympathy, telling me the
whole sad story of how shed fallen in love with Scott
years ago, knowing he was gay but thinking hed get
over it. Not knowing I already knew all about it,
knew it from Scott, whod told me when he thought she
was dead. Scott, whod told me hed never go back to
living like that. Scott, who likes dick and knows it.
Scott, who told Jean no when she wanted to get back
together, when he thought she was an imposter, who
told me true he wasnt in love with her anymore even
if she could come back for real. Scott, who wouldnt
do it with her when the Phoenix tried to seduce him
through Jean. I did it with her that one time, but he
didnt. I said yes when he said no.
I didnt tell Jean any of that and she didnt know
what I knew. I dont think she even knew I fucked her
when she was under Phoenix control she cant
remember nothing from then. I didnt tell her
anything. But she told me. She told me that shed
hoped hed stop being gay, that loving her would turn
him. Only now she knew it wasnt going to happen like
that because hed told her it was over. She said he
told her hed always want to be her friend, but he
just couldnt love a woman, not the way she needed to
be loved. She said he hadnt said anything about
anyone else, but she thought he was doing it with some
guy now. I didnt tell her Id been the one. If
thered only been one, which I wasnt so sure about.
Well, I wasnt the one, or even one of them, not
anymore. I hadnt fucked him, hadnt so much as
touched him since that day I found him with Northstar.
I still wanted him, not that Id tell him that.
Wanted him so much I couldnt stand it sometimes.
Jerked off thinking about him almost every night,
remembering stuff wed done. Hand round my cock, Id
think of being in his mouth, or his ass. Think about
stroking him, too. Thinking of the way he says my
name when hes coming. Shit, I can get hard just from
remembering the sound of his voice.
I was getting distracted when him and me were working
together, too. I found myself looking at his mouth
when he was talking in a meeting, and thinking about
pushing my tongue in between those lips, or my cock.
Hard to concentrate on team business. When I was
supposed to be covering his back on a mission, I found
myself watching his ass, instead.
When me and Scott were together this didnt used to
happen to me when we were working, we were working.
After the mission wed fuck each others brains out,
but I didnt even think about sex when it was X-Men
business. Now I was thinking about it all the time.
Sex with Scott and only Scott. Pissed me off, too,
how much I thought about him, how I couldnt manage to
think about anybody else. Id put my hand round my
cock, close my eyes, think of some woman with big tits
and tight, round ass, but shed turn into him in my
head by the time I was half-hard. Id go out and
wander a bit, think about picking somebody up man or
woman but I never did. I was horny almost all the
time, thinking about doing it day and night, but I
couldnt get myself to do it with anyone else. I had
it bad alright.
There were times late at night, particularly when
I wanted to just go to him, tell him Im sorry, see if
it could be like it used to be with him and me. Id
feel like Id give anything for the chance to feel him
under me again, to be pushing hard in his ass, hearing
those moans and sighs and soft words coming out of his
mouth while I fucked him. And then Id think of
walking in on him and Jean-Paul that time and Id
change my mind about going to him.
Yeah, Scott and Jean-Paul. That was some sight to
see, coming into Scotts room. Id been horny as hell
and hoping he was feeling the same. And what do I
find? Northstar and Scott together. Northstar with
his clothes off, or at least no shirt. Scott fingering
his nipple ring. I know what those fingers feel like.
Pretty obvious Jean-Paul liked what he was doing to
Well, there was something I could still be mad at him
for. Or could I? All those times I told him it
didnt matter to me what he did, he could do it with
whoever he wanted. Well, if it didnt matter, then
why did I feel like killing somebody when I saw them
together? It was all I could do to keep the claws in.
I dont even know which of them Id have killed,
neither. Maybe both.
I was mad as hell at Scott for cheating on me, and
fucking *furious* at Northstar for moving in on him
like that. Okay, so Im not sure Scott was cheating,
but there was no doubt that was what Jean-Paul was
doing. He was trying. For all that Scott said he was
just showing him the transmitter, I know he wanted in
Scotts pants. I can smell lust and Northstar reeked
of it. Every time he was anywhere near Scott.
Id known that from the start. Only back then I
didnt care. It was back when Jean was possessed and
we thought she was an imposter. Thats when I was
first working with Jean-Paul and when I first realized
what he wanted. Who cared if Northstar wanted Scott?
I knew whose dick Scott was sucking every night.
Mine, not that other guys. Let Northstar want,
thats what I thought. What do I care? He can want
but Ive got. Thats how I looked at it then. I
wasnt even mad at Jean-Paul. Not then. If anything,
I felt sorry for him. Its no picnic wanting someone
you cant have. Ive been there.
So what changed? Jean changed from being the Phoenix,
but what did that have to do with Northstar? I didnt
know but I thought I should figure it out. It made my
head hurt to think about it, but I thought about it
anyway. Fuck, if Im going to be mad all the time, I
should at least know why. Okay, so when Jeannie got
back to being herself, well it just changed everything
for me and Scott. I saw how she looked at him; I heard
her tell him As long as Ive got you Ill be okay
and it got me wondering and thinking. And then when
he wouldnt tell her the real deal about him and me,
well I was wondering some more. Wondering if theres
anything with her and him. Only there isnt and I
know that now.
And Northstar? Was Scott really cheating on me with
him? No. I dont know if he was doing it with him or
not, but if he was, he still wasnt cheating. Hey, if
we got no claim on each other, it aint cheating, and
thats what I kept telling him. I wish I could
believe it myself, though. But anyway, its what Id
And since it is what Id been saying, Scott had no
cause to lie to me. If he was doing it with Northstar
or anybody else, he couldve just thrown my own words
back at me. Hes never lied to me yet, Scott, not so
far as I know. And if Im honest with myself, I have
to say I really would know. Hes not the type to play
one against the other. He couldnt do it. Hed told
me the truth about Jean, told me theyd broke up for
good. He was telling me the truth about Northstar,
too. I knew it, if I really thought about it.
So what the fuck was I so mad about? And what the
fuck was I doing with Jeannie? I like Jeannie. I
used to think I wanted to fuck her, but its not like
that for me anymore. Not since Scott and me, not
since shed come back. Id done it that one time with
her when the Phoenix had charge of her curiosity
mostly. That turned out to be a big mistake. So why
was I making the same mistake again, now that she was
back to being herself?
Partly from being mad at Scott, I guess. Partly from
wanting to know what was going on with her and him
which turned out to be nothing, like I said. But
mostly it just kind of happened.
There she was telling me her troubles and I was trying
to be sympathetic and listen. I didnt tell her about
Scott and me cause I figured it wasnt my story to
tell. Plus by that point there wasnt any Scott and
me anymore, so what was there to say? But I was
listening to how betrayed she felt, and thinking that
its too bad shes so sad, but it also means Scott
told me the truth.
So Im feeling a little bad that I thought he was
lying and a little good to know that he wasnt and
that he told her no fucking way hed ever get back
together with her. And then shes saying that she
really does know its for the best, and that she needs
to be with a woman-loving man, someone who can really
want her and need her, and that it had been a mistake
to get involved with Scott from the start. He was
such a good guy, I lost perspective, she told me.
So I didnt know what to say and I just said, Theres
lots of good guys out there. Lots would be glad to be
with a woman like you.
And then shes reminding me how I told her once I
could be a good guy for her. And shes talking about
how happy shes been to see me on the team and
teaching and really settling in to be an X-Man. How
long have you been here now, Logan? she asked. More
than two years, isnt it? So I tell her thats right
and she asks me if I ever stayed any one place that
Nah. Well, not that I can remember. Ive still got
these holes in my memory, but everything I do know
about is just moving from place to place. It felt
really weird to be here at first. I kept thinking Id
leave any day.
Why didnt you?
I dont know. First I think it was just not having
anywhere particular to go to yet. Then, after the
shit hit the fan and we thought wed lost you, well I
thought I could kind of help pick up the pieces around
here for a while.
That was kind of a good guy thing to do, dont you
I shrugged. Then lately I started feeling like I
wanted to stay, wanted to be part of this.
Do you have...feelings for anyone, Logan? Feelings
that make you want to stay here?
I was gonna tell her right then. I shouldve told
her. If things werent so fucked between me and
Scott, I wouldve. But between feeling too mad at him
to talk about any feelings I had for him other than
wanting to kick his ass and feeling like deep down
maybe I did want to get back with him like it used to
be and worrying that he wouldnt want me talking to
Jean about him and me anyway, I didnt know what to
say. So I just nodded and didnt say anything. Then
before I knew it she was kissing me. It caught me by
surprise. It just happened. Without thinking about
it, I was kissing her back.
So it looks like Scott was never lying to me after
all. He wasnt cheating on me because there was
nothing to cheat about. He wasnt doing it with
Jeannie. He wasnt doing it with Northstar. He said
he still wants me and I think he meant it. Maybe he
even meant it about loving me. I know I want to fuck
him so bad I can hardly stand it. And I want to be
with him, want to be his friend. And yeah, his
lover. But this mess with Jeannie makes that pretty
much out of the question. And the worst part is that
the whole fucking thing is my own damn fault.
Mofic Website: http://mo.fandomnation.com/fic/
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