Glad and Sorry Seasons (Returning Spring 4/10)
I didn�t plan on talking about me. I don�t know why I
did. That�s not what I was there for. The
Professor�s orders were clear and I�d agreed to follow
them. When I say I�ll do something, I do it.
I knew my mission in Vermont. I was going to figure
out just how safe that house really is. See what I
had to do to take an old ski house and turn it into a
fortress that still looks like an old ski house. Use
the men there however I needed them � Nightcrawler,
the Alpha Flight guys, the G-Men. Get whatever I
needed without anyone in the town of Peru knowing what
was going on. And report to Leeds on my mission and
any progress. The Professor said to meet with the
doctor once right at the beginning to tell him what
the security weaknesses were, and again once I figured
out what I was going to do about them. As many other
times as he wanted me to come and report. Give him
whatever information he wanted, keep him in the loop.
Now why a shrink needed to know about fortifying that
house is beyond me, but it�s what the Professor
wanted, so it�s what I was doing. I headed off to the
shrink�s office the second day I was there. Like I
said, I wasn�t going there to talk about me and what
was going on in my head.
So why did I tell him all that? There was a lot of
stuff bugging me, mostly this whole thing with Scott,
but that�s no reason. I know how to keep quiet about
stuff that�s bugging me.
I didn�t see Scott at all after that night in his
room. I left two days later without talking to him.
Said goodbye to Marie and the rest of them, but not
Scott. I thought of going to talk to him, to ask him
about arrangements for my classes while I was gone,
but the Professor told me �Ro was taking them. So,
there wasn�t anything I really needed to talk to Scott
about, and he didn�t come looking for me at night like
he usually did. I did try to go see him once before I
went. The night before I left I was going to his
room, but before I even got close I could hear Jean�s
voice. She was talking to him in there and I didn�t
want to know what they were saying. I turned around
I almost didn�t take his bike after all, but I figured
he said I could and I might as well. Rode all the way
up to Vermont on it, cursing the guy I borrowed it
from. And then rode it over to Bellows Falls to see
Dr. Ethan Leeds, just like my orders said.
I don�t think Leeds did anything to make me talk, or
if he did, I don�t know how. He�s not a mutant, so it
wasn�t mind control. And he didn�t try to worm it out
of me or anything. Hey, I probably would have clammed
up if he did. I hate it when people get nosy. But he
wasn�t nosy. Just... interested. He just listened.
Asked questions sometimes, but only about what I was
already telling him. Nah, it�s nothing he did, not
that I could tell. There�s something about him that
just makes you want to talk.
I don�t even know how it started, really. Somehow I
went from talking about fortifying that house to
talking about me. I told him about the nightmares,
the amnesia. Maybe that�s how it started � telling
him about the damage I�d done to the room I�d stayed
in the first time I�d come to Peru, when Scott and me
were digging the tunnel. I told him how the wall near
the bed was all busted up because of the nightmares.
And said I�d fix that while I was doing the
fortifications. So, then he asks me how often that
happens to me in the night and have I ever hurt
anyone. And I tell him about Marie and how scared I
am I�ll kill somebody when I�m like that, somebody I
don�t want to kill.
So that leads to me talking about how Scott started
helping me when we were at the house in Peru together,
how he used to listen for me moaning or crying and
then woke me up when he heard me. I told him what a
relief that was, how I�d feel like I was a prisoner in
this dream and couldn�t get out, and then Scott would
come and spring me. I told him I wished for so long
that I could do *something* to make it stop, but I
never thought there�d be anybody helping me. So,
Leeds asks how long I�ve had nightmares and I tell him
the truth � that I don�t know how long because I can�t
remember anything except the last 15 years. I told
him I don�t know where I�m from, don�t know how old I
am, don�t even know what my name really is.
He didn�t act like that was crazy or anything, and he
didn�t fall all over himself saying how sorry he is or
how hard it must be. He just seemed interested,
wanted to know more. And I don�t know why, but I
wanted to tell him. So before I knew it, there I was,
telling Leeds about waking up in the woods all those
years ago and not knowing who I was or what I was. I
told him about how I kept trying to kill myself any
which way I could, but nothing worked. And then all
about living on my own for so long - moving around,
trying to find out what I could about myself for a
while there. Then just giving up on that. Living
any way I could manage as long as I didn�t have to
stay in one place - cage fighting some of the time.
No family, no friends, no ties. There was close to a
year when I never said a word to another human being.
Lots of years when I didn�t even feel like a human
being. I never told anybody some of that stuff
before, but here I was telling this old doctor with
that listening expression.
And then I told him how all that changed. How I�d
found Marie, or she�d found me, I guess. Which had
led to me getting all mixed up with the X-Men. How
the longer I was with the X-Men the more I realized
that I had feelings I didn�t understand, didn�t want
to know about. I�d left to find out about my past and
how I got to be this way. Or maybe I�d left because I
didn�t want to find out some stuff about myself, some
stuff I was getting too close to finding out by
staying there in Westchester.
But I�d come back. I�m not even sure why now. For
Jean? For something else? I didn�t even have time to
figure that out. I was hardly back when I got thrown
right in the middle of a fucking siege. Nobody had
time to think, not me, not any of them. It was all
kill or be killed, all survival. And trying to get
those kids out alive. Trying to get the ones they
Stryker. I told him about Stryker, too, about how he
knew me as soon as he saw me. I didn�t know him. I
started shaking all over when I told Leeds that part,
same way I do with the nightmares. I tried to stop
it, not wanting to do that in front of him, but I
couldn�t stop as long as I was talking about Stryker.
And I didn�t want to stop telling him. My claws came
out, too, without me trying, when I told him about
Stryker looking at me like that, how he called me an
animal. I�d been feeling like I really was human,
like there might be a place for me with the X-Men, but
when he called me that it felt like it was all over.
Like even though I hated his guts for saying it, I
knew he was right. He was telling the real truth
about me. Yeah, my whole body was just trembling all
over, claws extended, while I told him that.
That never happened in front of anybody before, not
the shaking or the claws. Well, nobody except Scott
and it�s okay when I�m with him. It feels safe when
I�m with Scott. But somehow it was okay with Leeds,
too. He was just so calm about the whole thing.
Leeds acted like there was nothing strange about it,
like he saw bodies shaking all over and adamantium
claws all the time.
And maybe that�s why I kept talking. He has this sort
of way about him. Patient and listening and
interested, but not surprised by anything. Like
nothing could shock him, like you could tell him
anything and he�d just ask a few questions and listen
to you tell him more.
So, yeah I kept talking. Told him what I thought
they�d done to me. How I think some of the dreams are
real, parts of them, anyway. I think some of it is
really memories of how they took me apart and put me
back together and somehow even though I can�t remember
it during the day it comes out when I�m sleeping.
I told him about people I�d killed and people I wish
I�d killed. About the whole battle against Stryker,
too. How I found out some stuff, found out that
Stryker had been part of it, whatever the fuck �it�
was. Whatever they�d done that turned me into what I
am. Put the metal in and took my memory away. Turned
me into an animal that could only kill or be killed.
And that sometimes I feel like that�s all I am, but
sometimes I think I�m still human.
I told him how it was after we got back to
Westchester, after we left Jean there, Scott trying to
stop her, trying to make her come with us. I�d come
back there looking for Jean but then I found out she
wasn�t what I was looking for. Told him about what
happened after we thought she died. About me and
Scott and how we�d gone from hating each other�s guts
to being friends. I told him we�d been having sex,
too, and how that helped me. Helped with the
nightmares, but not just that. How being with Scott
made me feel more human, too. Close to somebody.
And then I told him about Jean coming back and Scott
not believing in her and me not knowing what to think
about that. I told him about all my confused feelings
about Jean and Scott. I told him how Scott and me
had had a fight. Sort of. Well, I�d left there mad
at him and he seemed mad at me, too. And how I hated
feeling like that. That being friends with Scott had
been the best part of being at Xavier�s and how pissed
off I was now with things bad between him and me. Mad
at Scott, at Jean, at myself, too, maybe. Wondering
why it bothered me so much. Not sure even what I was
I can�t say I felt any less confused from talking to
him. But I felt something. Better. Calmer. Like
just saying what was going on was worth it, even if I
don�t understand it all.
�Have you talked to Scott since you got here?� he
I shook my head. �He called once, but I was out.
Kurt told me he called.�
�But you didn�t call him back?�
�He can call again if he wants to talk.� I stopped to
think about what I�d said. �I think about him all the
time,� I said. �I don�t like that.�
Leeds laughed. �So why don�t you call him?�
�What would I say?�
�What do you want to say?�
�I don�t know.�
�What do you want him to say?�
See what I mean? I wasn�t going to say anymore, but
then he asks a question like that and it gets me
thinking. And talking.
�I want him to say that he knows I wouldn�t take his
bike without him saying it�s okay. Not now that we�re
friends. I want him to say he believes me that I�m
not doing Jean anymore. I told him I did her, didn�t
I? So, if I tell him I�m not gonna do it with her
again, he should know I�m saying the truth. I want
him to tell me if it bothers him that me and her did
it. And not just that, but why it bothers him, if it
does. You know? Is it because of her or because of
me? I want him to say he still wants me.� I didn�t
know I was going to say that last part until I said
it. Didn�t even know I was thinking it.
�Are you worried that he doesn�t want you anymore?� I
shrugged. �Do you think that might be something you
could talk to Scott about? Could you tell him what
you want to hear from him?�
I didn�t have an answer to that one, either.
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