Title: "The Secrets Behind the Lies"
Author's Email: Amandab9@...
Timeline: Between the first X-men Movie and X2
Shippers: Bobby/Rogue; Bobby/St. John (my first slash story!)
Rating: PG-13, Mature Readers Only
Disclaimer: I wish I could own these characters, I really do. But
since that isn't happen anytime soon, I busy myself with fanfic.
Summary: Bobby is stuck between two worlds because of his two loves.
Can he balance them all?
Feedback: Yes please!
I can't do this anymore.
I am a horrible person and I have to stop. I have to.
I can't keep up the secrets, the lies, and the separate life. I am
only hurting the people I am closest to. Rogue. St. John. Not to
It was close today. Too close.
John and I had been in my room for only, maybe, fifteen minutes when
Rogue came back for the gloves. John and I were each covered only in
sweat and random body parts from the other person when the knock came.
Rogue's voice asked if I was in my room.
I was so scared of being found out I almost shouted no.
Rogue asked again if anyone was inside. She said she really wanted
the long loves she left on my dresser.
I held my breath and turned to the gloves mocking me on my right.
The gloves glared at me for cheating and lying to my girlfriend, who
I really do care about. The gloves so openly hated me that I had to
But that was when I heard Kitty's voice next to Rogue's.
"It doesn't seem like anyone is there. If you want, I could just
phase through the door and get them."
My eyes almost popped out of their socket. Next to me, John simply
stared at the door.
"Thanks but I guess its no big deal. I'll just wear these shorter
ones and wait for the others."
My eyes returned to an almost normal size.
"Oh, I get it. You just want an excuse to go see Bobby in his room
Kitty's teasing voice floated down to us, now farther away from my
They were gone. My second life was still secret, but I couldn't bear
to look anywhere near the gloves.
"That was close," I whispered to John after I felt safe enough to
John turned to me slowly.
"What would you have done if your girlfriend and her friend did walk
in here? Huh? What would you have said?"
Fiery eyes plus a clutched jaw never equal an even tempered John.
Sighing, and knowing John and I would not be doing anything else too
interesting that day, I detangled myself from John and stood up.
I knew John was staring at me as I slowly search for underwear and
pants. I purposely forgave the shirt. I knew it would give me extra
time to think. It is a really low, blow, I know, but I needed to
plan an answer that wouldn't result in John letting everyone know
what we did behind closed doors.
"You didn't answer my question."
Damn, there goes the hope John would forget about our conversation
and just concentrate on ripping my new clothes off me to return to
our previous position. Oh well, it had been a long shot anyway.
I stopped fiddling with the fresh sock on my left foot and turned to
"What was the question?"
Angry eyes bore into my nervous ones.
"What would you have done if your girlfriend had walked in on us?" he
spoke slowly with the weight of his emotions just below the surface.
What would I do if Rogue had walked in on John and me? Well, I
almost defiantly would have died. Even if I didn't have a heart
attack from shock or fear, and even if a hurt Rogue didn't kill me,
Logan probably would have for hurting Rogue.
"I am not sure."
"Would you tell her how long we've been doing this? Tell her how
often you come to my room?"
"Listen, I couldn't tell her that. Rogue is my girlfriend. I think
I love her."
John glared at me.
"So what would you say to your love if she found out we've been
fucking for months?"
"She can't. She can't find out. It is that simple."
Yes, denial is my friend.
John sneered. "Oh, she can't find out about us? Well, that's news
John was pissed. John pissed is a dangerous John. John pissed at
you is a very dangerous John. John pissed at you when he is hiding
your biggest secret is just stupid.
"Do you know how hurt she'd be? Or what she'd think? She'd think
we're two gay guys."
"Bobby, we are two guys who have been fucking for months. I think
that means we are two gay guys." he pointed to his still naked form
"I am not gay." I replied automatically.
John raised one eyebrow and, damn it, I love it when he does that.
"I love Rogue. She's a girl."
"If you `love' Rogue than whey the fuck are you cheating on her?"
"I do love Rogue. And I love being with her."
It wasn't a lie. Rogue is amazing. She is pretty, nice, and
actually interested in me. She is great person who is fun to be
around and an untouchable prize that I've won.
But that is part of the problem. She can't touch. I may love Rogue
but I am still a guy and I still need something physical.
Rogue is sweet, nice, and as normal as anyone in Xavier's school.
Together we are fluffy and wholesome as foosball for everyone to
John is dark, dangerous, and uncontrollably wild. Together we create
hell privately behind closed doors with only bruises and bite marks
to later show an encounter ever happened.
Rogue has a light fingertip caress through fabric while John and I
create rough, brutal nights through nothing but our flesh. Rogue's
feels leave desire without an outlet, John is an outlet without
honestly sorted feelings. With Rogue, everything is open and
beautiful. But with John everything is physical, pleasure from pain,
and secret. John brings something explosive, always ready to erupt.
We are fire and ice. Everything is always just below the surface.
Rogue is nothing but reserved surface.
I need both.
"What was the question?" I whispered a little hoarsely.
"Why cheat on Rogue if you love her?"
Sometimes I need this."
"Why with a guy? Why with me?"
There was something in his face that changed and I suddenly realized
what he wanted. Why it took me so long, I have no idea.
John just wanted me to look at him and tell him I needed him. He
wanted to hear that I needed John for more than just physical urges,
maybe even that I loved him.
Would John betray me if I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear? I
can never let this go public and I honestly don't know if John would
want that. But he wants this. How could I not give this one thing
Because I need you. You're my best friend and a special
person to me. And we just click like this. It is because of you,
My head was beginning to pound and I couldn't even figure out for
myself if that was the truth or not. But it couldn't be. That would
make me gay. And I am not gay. I don't see guys on the street and
start thinking they are hot. When I talk about who was hot in a
movie with some guys, I always honestly talk about the girls. So I
can't be gay, I am not.
John was beginning to calm down. I must have really said the right
thing for once in my life because John was even hiding a little grin.
"Sorry about Twenty Questions today. I know we don't usually analyze
John, apologizing? No way. I must have really said the right thing.
"Hey, no problem. You deserved to hear what was said."
"I should go. I have a class pretty soon and I've got to shower and
John began to put back on his clothes and I turned around to give him
privacy. It was ridiculous but almost unconscious. We always turn
to opposite sides to redress after time spent together; just today I
already had clothes on.
But as I turned, my eyes locked on Rogue's gloves. They whispered to
me about being unfair to both Rogue and John. They said I wasn't
considering the feelings of either one. They even suggested that I
was only saying what I did to John to have him keep our secret and
that he had serious emotions that I was toying with.
I tried to explain that I wasn't toying with anyone's emotions. And
that I really did need John to be a secret or everyone would think we
were both gay, treat us both different, and Rogue would be devastated.
But the gloves didn't listen and by then John had finished getting
"So I'll see you soon."
"Yeah, see you." I called.
I haven't moved from room since an hour ago when John left. My
thoughts have been hounding me.
I can't break it off with Rogue. She would be too hurt and John
would believe it to be a sign of our relationship moving up.
After today, I can't break up with John. And Rogue still wouldn't be
able to touch so I would still need some contact in some form.
I don't want to end what I have with either one.
But I can't do this anymore. I really can't do this anymore.
I am only hurting the people I care about. I've been over the same
ground in my mind for the last hour and I can't find an appealing way
out of the mess I've made.
I guess I'll just have to wait until both worlds fall down all around
And they will. I know they will.