Darker Destiny: Just Not Good Enough
By Nadja Lee 14/05/02
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie
Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
Summary: A young man tells of his life and choices
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.
Dedicated to JenN who loves Bobby so I couldnt leave him out of this
..though she might have preferred I did
Sequel/series: Part of the Darker Destiny series.
Thanks to Estelle for the Beta
Have you ever wondered what it is like to do everything to please yet always come out short
What more do you want from me? I dont get it. Ive tried so hard, Ive changed so much
Yet nothing is every quite good enough for you.
It shouldnt matter anymore. Im no longer a kid but somehow I cant let it go. Why do I still long for your respect? Your love? When I know youll never give it to me. I thought parents were supposed to love their children no matter what
..well, someone obviously didnt tell you that.
There was a time where I would have done anything; given anything for a kind word and soft smile from you. But that was not to be.
All my childhood you measured me up to my big brother or yourself and always found me lacking. I tried to be strong, I tried to fight but I couldnt take it. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I never heard just one word of praise, never felt just one soft smile or embrace. Why? Why couldnt you do that? For me?
Did I mean so little to you, dad? Was I really so worthless? Didnt you see how I fought? Didnt you notice the tears your coldness brought to my eyes? Why did you get mad at me for crying instead of comforting me? Why did you reach out and strike me when I sought your nearness? Why did you push me away?
I could never ask you those things; I was too afraid. I was always afraid or insecure. It wasnt respect I showed you; it was fear. Fear and a great need to just once be good enough. I tried
.I truly tried, dad.
You had been on the football team so naturally so should I. I hated it from day one but I tried so hard to do good; for you. My entire life revolved around doing well for you. I didnt have it in me to win; I have never been a competitive person. I tried
and I failed. So in desperation I started doing drugs to help me get stronger, run faster. And people started to look at me in a new way; with respect and admiration. I finally had what I always wanted. For a while it seemed even you was about to come around.
Then everything fell apart. The coach discovered I was using, I was thrown off the team and I had to tell you that. Ive never feared anything so much in my entire life as I did that day, knowing I had to face you.
When you finally came home I was a nervous rack and something in me was sure you were late just to torment me. Your questions to me were as they always were; how was school and practice? I had to tell you and so I did. I forced it out and tried hard to keep from crying; I didnt want to appear that weak, didnt want you to have that satisfaction. Then everything exploded. You yelled at me. Called me worthless, a no good boy you wouldnt admit to being yours. You said you were ashamed of me and wanted me out of your house. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I tried to explain. My tears only angered you further and unable to hold back you slapped me so hard I fell to the floor before you went out the room, yelling at me to get the Hell out.
Somehow, I dont know how, I pulled myself together and with tears in my eyes I packed a bag, took all the money I had with me and left the house and never came back.
Life on the streets was harder than I had imagined it. I knew there would be coldness, fear and isolation yet before I had felt it I didnt understand the depth of it. The disgust in peoples eyes as they passed me on the streets coloured my cheeks red with shame and soon I needed something to help me escape. One thing led to another and what I needed to escape had to be stronger and stronger. Soon, I lost control though I doubt I had much of that to begin with. My life began to have just one single-minded purpose; find some way to get the next fix. I did anything from robbery to blowjobs, I got mugged and beaten up but somehow I always got what I came for. And for a few blissful hours my mind was far away and for the first time I was truly happy. There was no shame, no guilt, no disappointment, no longing, no loneliness, no hunger, no cold and no abandonment.
As I sink steadily faster and faster I know Im nearing the bottom but its too late for me to stop now. Im lost and I know it yet I cant stop. In the few clear moments I have I wonder if you have ever tried to look for me or if youre too ashamed. I wonder if you miss me or have even noticed Im gone. Maybe youre just happy to have gotten rid of me?
I dont know but somehow I feel that if I did know the answers to just some of those questions
I might have had a chance
I just might