Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable
By Kes Serleef
Series Rating: R for some violence, and a PG-13/R for sexuality
Warning: The series contains angst. Towards the end there is some
violence, but it really is mild I think.
I would normally rate it a PG-13, however, I am not everyone, so I'm
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the "X-Men" or any of its
characters. That privilege belongs to Marvel, Fox, etc...no
infringement on copyright is intended. Please don't sue me.
Archive: Yes, but please ask me.
Author's Note: I need a new home for my series and I hope it will be
welcomed here. If not, please just email me privately. Thanks.
Earlier parts of the series can be found on my site at:
Summery: Marriage is bliss. Temptation leads to hell. Hearts are
broken. Read on....
Sometimes it's the things we can't have that drives us the most crazy.
Wanting the unattainable had become a constant dull craving for Logan.
It made no sense to him.
He had everything he wanted. He had everything he could ever need,
and need was always supposed to mean more than want, so he didn't get
why or even when obtaining the unattainable had slowly become an
He wondered sometimes in the back of his mind whether he would have
the strength to resist if the unattainable became...attainable. He
hated himself for the doubts, hated the part of him that whispered of
Then one day there were no doubts.
He was Adam and the goddamned apple was waved in his face. A large
part of him would have sooner cut his hand off than reach for the
forbidden fruit, because there were so many consequences...too many.
Giving in would lead to nothing but pain all around, he told himself,
and so help him, he'd be damned before he hurt her. But...a smaller
part, the part that has been the cause of the downfall of even great
people, couldn't resist and one day didn't resist.
Temptation became a possibility, and he gave in. He gave into
temptation and burned for twenty minutes he had felt the heat of the
flames...and then it all fell to ashes.
All the people who counted where burned by those flames and left
wasted in its wake...left only with the ashes.
But it was to her the one person that wasn't a want, but a need;
the one person who's love he'd rather die for than lose it was to
her that he dropped to his knees and begged for redemption.
The one person who understood him the most...
And she did understand him. That's why she know he'd tried.
He really had.
She would always give him credit for such a valiant fight, because he
tried not to hurt her...she had to believe that he had really tried in
order to keep her sanity.
She'd chosen to look the other way for too long, because in the back
of her mind, she had wanted to believe that there was no need for a
struggle. It had killed her heart just a little bit every time she
was reminded that he did.
All it took was a too long glance in the wrong direction the
direction of someone else's wife.
She'd use to wonder whether she was enough.
Wasn't she everything he had said he wanted, everything he said he
needed? His answer had always been an unequivocal "yes" those few
times in their relationship when the unspoken become spoken. The
struggle had been an unspoken secret between them had been there
like an invisible force. The whys of desire for another.
Why had he been so attracted to *her*? Why hadn't she, the woman who
slept in his arms, been enough for him?
Why...and...why...and..why...there were to many questions that would
never be answered. It really didn't matter anymore. There was no fight
left anymore. Temptation had been embraced with deceptively loving
Logan and Jean's struggle had lasted more years then would seem
possible with the apple within touching distance.
She had been drawn into a false sense of accomplishment. She'd thought
she had won his heart so completely that the lure of another no
matter how attractive he found it wouldn't really affect them. How
arrogant. In the end,Logan was just a man, and he had always been easy
to seduce with a challenge.
Obtaining the unattainable had won.
Part of her could understand the compelling forces that had driven
them. It was a force that was driven by desire, by need, by
desperation. She understood desperation. It had kept her up late into
the night on more than one occasion with fear of loss. It was a
constant force of fear, knowing any minute he would look at her and
decide he had made a mistake. He would look at her and realize that
while he might need her, he didn't really want her.
Those were the times when she would be driven with a desperate need to
lay her claim on him. To take him down into the flame. When she used
her body to beat back the demons. Yeah. She understood the forces at
work that had kept the struggle alive inside of him. It would be easy
to condemn to wish them both to hell for the agony that reached at
the core of her being.But hate required energy, and she no longer had
any to give. She was drained.
Now when she looked in the mirror what she saw could usually ring a
sound of agony from deep within her soul that came out like the
whimpers of the deeply wounded. And in the back of her mind she would
know that she was the lucky one. At least she could so her eyes in the
mirror, could see the shambles that betrayal had left of her soul.
The same could not be said for...
Scott visualized each and every reaction in his mind.
The reactions of those he knew when they finally saw him lose complete
The temptation was there...it was right at the surface, and it ate at
him. All that control...there was almost an overwhelming urge to let
it loose and leave a path of destruction in his wake.
The fearless leader was on the brink of losing his mind, and he didn't
give a damn.
He was tired.
He was tired of being the rational one, the calm one...the one who
shouldered his responsibilities for the greater good. Tired of being
the one compelled to hide his feelings the rage, the pain, the hate
because it was unbecoming of his position in the group.
Sometimes he would sit for hours perfectly still, and to outside
observers it looked like he was in deep mediation. The reality of it
was that he knew if he moved, if he took action like his feelings
dictated, he wouldn't be able to stop his urge to destroy.
He could feel it sometimes his blood.
Sometimes he actually felt it boil in his veins, hot and compelling
urging him to give in to those forces that people bury. And God, he
struggled not to,because to give in would be to give up humanity and
become some animal...to become some freak. It would be so easy,
didn't she know that. She had always taken his control for granted,
but she more than anyone knows that sometimes...it was just surface.
He'd tried to be everything she needed, everything that she said she
wanted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had known that it was an
impossibility. No one can be everything to one person. Especially a
person who didn't know what she wanted herself, but he was haunted.
Haunted by why he hadn't been enough...
For Jean it wasn't just seeing the destruction of all the
relationships that had survived for years crumple like a deteriorating
brick wall around her that made her give serious consideration to
leaving it all behind. The professor had suggested a move to D.C. on
behalf of the school and she was tempted to go, because the conflict
inside was slowly starting to take a toll on her sanity.
For so long she had prided herself on her self-control, on her hard
earned sense of self-assurance after many untold years of struggle.
She had taken it for granted that she had it all under control. In the
end she had been proven wrong.
She wasn't a saint she was just a woman.
It had been extremely arrogant to think that just because she'd
survived hatred and ignorance and come out a stronger person for it
that she could resist a compelling force like desire for the
forbidden and the forces of self doubt.
The thing was, in the beginning, she hadn't thought it was so
compelling. If there was one thing that she had been sure of as sure
as she was of the sky being blue and the law of gravity is that she
loved Scott. But most importantly, she desired him. Contrary to what
most people had thought of their relationship, they'd had a great sex
The faces they showed to the outside world was not the sum total of
who either of them were. Underneath the calm and the control shown,
their relationship behind closed door had been a safe haven. It was
a place where neither had been afraid to be complete, displaying both
the control and the passion. Her love for Scott and his love for her
had been her rock...and yet...
It may have been the mystery of the unknown that was her undoing. The
mystery had tempted the hidden sensualist in her...and Logan was one
of the most sexually compelling men she had ever met. From the
beginning they had been aware of each other, but she had never fooled
herself into thinking it was anything deep. It certainly hadn't been
love. She'd had Scott, and he had been enough for her.
Then there had been Rogue.
The first time Logan left she had mistaken Rogue's feelings for him as
just a simple teenage crush.
It hadn't been an unfounded assumption to make about a girl her age.
She became aware of her mistake when Logan had come back to stay for
good five years ago two years after he'd left to look for his past.
Within a matter of weeks after he came back, it became pretty clear
that Rogue's feeling for him had never faded, and it seemed Logan, for
the first time, openly let himself explore possibilities not open to
him when Rogue had been seventeen.
But despite it all her happiness with Scott, his with Rogue there
had still been awareness between the two of them. It was nothing so
obvious that it became disrespectful to either of their relationships
but it was there. A flirtatious glance here...a playful comment
there, it had all been easily excused as harmless and for the most
part in the beginning it was.
It wasn't a surprise to anyone when Logan proposed to Rogue two years
into their relationship, and was married within four months of their
The marriage marked the turning point in Jean's and Scott's
They had been engaged for five years at that point, without ever
having set a definitive date for their wedding. It was always one
excuse after another on both their parts. At first it hadn't occurred
to either of them to be bothered by the fact that they had been at a
five years stand still, because they were both committed to the
relationship, in it for the long haul. Logan and Rogue's marriage had
made them begin to question why they had been using delay tactics to
put off their own.
Motivations were analyzed, and insecurities had increased. Slowly
discussions had turned into debates, and debates into fights. The more
tense things became between her and Scott, the more aware she became
But the underlying, compelling fact of the matter had been, she loved
Scott. As soon as she had put her own insecurities aside, enough to
assure unequivocally of that fact, they had finally been able to
settle on a date. Three months after the other couple's wedding, she
and Scott were married, and they were happy but the seeds of doubt
had been planted in their relationship.
And things would never be the same again.