Title: Sunday (A/U of At Eighteen)
Codes: Jean, Jean/Logan, Jean/Scott, Logan/Rogue
Summary: Jean considers the coming of Sunday.
Author Notes: I A/U'ed this around the time I wrote "At Twenty", though to
be honest, this was written before A Year and a Day, my first posted X-Men
fic. I couldn't face trying to work in yet another subplot to the For
Nows--Marie had enough stress, ya know? And my beta's response to this
sucker was less than enthusiastic. It probably rates among my absolute
worst work, to be perfectly honest. <sigh> Anyway, enjoy. It's weird and
possibly quite wrong on many, many levels. I was told I was evil. Oh well.
Sare, my apologies. Remember, this never made canon.
Archiving: List only.
* * * * *
But she couldn't sleep and in her own room she knew the number of tiles
from left to right and top to bottom, counted those on nights when she'd
been so young that she hadn't been able to tune out the voices eternally
echoing in her head. Left to right, thirty six and a half, up to down
twenty-nine and three quarters. Work the math and she could get the size
of the room.
Problem was, this wasn't her room and some of the tiles were in shadow, so
her counting always stopped short.
"Stop thinking so loudly."
She started a little, turned to see him watching her.
"You're the most telepathically deaf person I've ever met," she answered.
"You can't hear what I'm thinking."
"I can smell it on you." A finger traced the line of her bare arm and she
wished she wanted to pull away.
And guilt should have been just a little bit stronger, a little bit more
merciless, and she wished she felt just a little bit worse, and she might
have been able to if he had left, as she'd half-expected, knowing him like
she did, knowing his favorite reaction to change and stress was to run far
Then she could quietly and without effort wallow in guilt. But he was
still here, apparently had no intention of running off, and she resented
him for acting out of character.
"Don't you have to be on the road somewhere?"
She could have hurt him with that once--she used to be able to hurt him
just by smiling, and never wanted to, but time had passed and he had
changed. She had changed, that she'd lash out like that, and she didn't
"The idea's tempting just now, but since I only did get home a couple of
weeks ago, maybe you'd just wait a few damned days before throwing me a
goodbye party, huh? Or maybe you could just get up and get the fuck out of
my room if you're going to be a bitch, Jeanie."
And she hated him for being right.
"Where's Cyke now?" It was conversational and she'd never known him to be
deliberately malicious--he just didn't think like that. It was a question,
no more and no less.
"In Washington with Ororo," she answered reluctantly. "Until Sunday."
She heard his grunt of assent, then a soft sigh, the sound of the sheet
being untwisted from between her feet, resettled across her knees before he
relaxed onto his stomach, watching her behind eyes that never seemed even
as human as Scott's..
"Do you wish you felt guilty or something?"
And that demanded a reply--too damned bad she didn't have one. She sat up,
clutching the sheet to her chest.
"Your clothes aren't in any condition to be worn," he said, softly, and she
knew he wasn't trying to hurt her--he was stating bald facts and she could
easily have hated him for that if it had even been possible. "Look in the
closet--some of Marie's are in there--they'd fit you until you get to your
That brought her head around sharply and he smiled at her expression.
"Or do you think I don't know where she sleeps when I'm gone? Can't blame
her--in a choice between here and the dorms, I'd chose here too. I just
make sure to not let her know I've caught her and leave her clothes in the
"That's not why." She blurted it out, knowing he already knew--that was in
his eyes too.
"She's two years off from being anywhere near ready. I can wait."
This had to be the most surreal conversation she'd ever had with him. And
possibly the longest.
"What if she moves on before you get around to her?"
Slightly narrowed eyes, consideration of the possibility.
"I try not to think about that, but you gotta love a woman who likes to dig
the knife in."
Uncertainly, she picked up the outer blanket, beginning to wrap it around
herself in preparation to getting up--
"You do remember I've seen you without your clothes, right?"
She gritted her teeth.
* * * * *
It only got worse.
It was the bruises that her shirt barely hid yet no one noticed. It was
the lab, where all her experiments worked, and it was class, where for once
everyone had their homework done and even seemed interested in what she was
teaching. It was pushing Logan down on her desk during lunch, and it was
the gym where she watched him drilling the younger kids in simple
self-defense and everyone seemed in such a damned good mood.
It was even Rogue, sitting down beside her to watch too, and chatting
brightly about shopping that afternoon and Logan agreeing reluctantly to
take her. So far as she'd been able to tell, Rogue alone seemed to have
that effect on him.
This shouldn't be a perfect day to place on a Hallmark card for
distribution to the masses.
A supply closet, an hour after he deposited Rogue in the dorms, balancing
herself against the wall, trying to keep her eyes closed so she could
convince herself that she was thinking about someone else when she wasn't.
God, she was a bad liar and it was showing, and the twitchier she got, the
more everyone looked. They didn't know through some mystical bond with
their own kind as mutants, they didn't know because they saw her trying
desperately to get to her room before anyone saw the state of her shirt and
skirt, and they didn't know because it showed on her face. Because it
didn't. They had no clue, except they were beginning to think that Jean
missed Scott, and every time she tested the mental waters of the school,
that's what she got. And she was testing to the point of ethical
It was Xavier, and he was at the door of the classroom she hadn't left.
"I'm sorry--I didn't hear you--" She touched her forehead.
"You seemed upset." The cultured voice, that calming presence that he
radiated without effort, that he'd trained her into--yes. She knew it all
and then some. And he wasn't nipping at her mind, hadn't tried to delve in
to find out what was wrong with her, and maybe she should have disliked
that he'd kept his ethics when she'd abandoned hers, that nothing had
changed despite what she'd done.
That was the kicker--the world had gone on and on and on and no one knew.
And he waited, offering silent support, and some part of her wanted sit
down on the floor as she had when she was sixteen and slowly going insane
from the pressure of a thousand thoughts around her, just sit at his feet
and let that powerful mind buffer her until she could stand to face the
"Your shields are improving," he commented, ever so gently, the words
skittering across the surface of her mind without reproach. It was a quiet
acknowledgement that she'd shut her mind down hard the second that she was
aware of his presence.
"Yeah." She let herself down on the desk--she'd cleaned it three times and
maybe he'd remember that she usually didn't do that and jump to
conclusions--but why should he?
"Where is Logan?"
God oh God.
"How the hell should I know?" It broke out before she could think better
of it and he studied her briefly before moving a foot closer, into a range
he could easily pick up every emotion if he opened her up even a little.
But he didn't, because he trusted her, respected her--more, he respected
the privacy of the mind.
"I understand you saw him after he returned from his outing with Rogue," he
answered. "I want to go over the progress reports he submitted yesterday
on the youngest class."
It was near evaluation time--she'd forgotten that and she'd help organize
it. With a small sigh, she shook her head.
"Probably at dinner."
"No--they ate in town, I understand."
Where had he gone? His room--maybe he left--no, that wasn't like Logan,
these days he gave advanced warning and she thought that he'd be waiting
until the classes ended.
"If I see him, I'll let him know," she answered. The Professor nodded,
turning easily and wheeling himself from the room. When the door closed
quietly behind him, she let herself sit on her very clean desk and wonder
if anyone would ever notice.
"You actually wanna be caught, don't you?"
She didn't lift her head.
"How do you do that?" His silence always seemed almost magical to her--when
he'd worked with her in the lab, she'd sometimes studied that with a
"All part and parcel of being mutant, Red." He deliberately moved like a
normal human did so she could track his progress toward her desk by sound.
"Where were you?"
"In your office, finishing the evaluations. Which apparently, I need to
discuss with the Professor."
"Why my office?"
"I needed a computer terminal to load the results and it was closest."
She didn't answer that because it was logical--he'd used hers or Ororo's
every time he was here.
"You didn't answer the question."
She lifted her head then.
"No, I don't."
"Would that bother you, if no one ever suspected anything? If you kept
your reputation clean and everything went just on normally? It would,
"Why don't you stay away from me?" Her voice was low.
"Because you don't want me to--I can tell that from the other side of the
She turned her eyes up on his.
"Do you even know why?"
"Do you care?"
"Sometimes." There was a faint lilt of irony in his voice. "Only when
you're not there."
She waited for a moment.
"What about Rogue?"
He leaned closer, bracing a hand beside hers on the desk.
"I could ask you the same question about Cyke, but I know the answer
"What do you want?"
A brush of lips against the side of her neck and she leaned into it.
"Whatever I can get."
She stood up unsteadily, glancing at the door.
* * * * *
There was something infinitely sick about fucking Logan on Scott's bed.
Watching Logan falling asleep on his stomach beside her and tracing the
lines of muscle on his back and the smooth skin that shouldn't feel quite
so natural under her fingers--instant regeneration made him near perfect.
And she desperately wished she could hate herself, just a little.
"S'okay." It was close to night--she wondered if anyone was curious as to
where they were. No, of course not. She was a faithful wife who had put
her wedding ring on the bedside table and Logan was doubtless in some bar
doing whatever he did for amusement--rape the sheep and terrorize small
He was good with kids. She didn't know if she liked that, either. She
didn't like not being able to categorize him.
She hated when she watched him with Rogue.
"Why don't you call her Rogue?"
He didn't even turn his head, though his muscles were relaxed against her
"She's a kid."
"What difference does that make?"
"To me, a hell of a lot."
She mused on that as well, knowing that he tended to categorize things too
and doing the math she came up with the right answer. Marie kept her young
and off-limits--Rogue was the woman she'd be soon, someone Logan could
She lowered her head, tracing the back of his neck with the tip of her
tongue, felt the low growl she liked to get out of him.
"Two years, huh?"
"There's something weird about discussing Marie when I'm with you, Jean."
"You don't usually discuss other women with those you fuck?"
Before she could even breathe, he'd rolled over, trapping her on her
stomach under him.
"I'm not fucking you."
She rubbed lightly against him, stretching out a little beneath his weight,
feeling the brush of his teeth in her shoulder.
"What do you call it, then?"
"I'm making love to you. You're fucking me. There's a difference."
That could have hurt if it wasn't so damned true. She lifted her hips when
he slid a hand beneath her stomach, breathing out in shock at the first
"I'm sorry, Logan." She gripped the headboard with both hands, pushing
back against him, eyes closing.
"No you're not."
* * * * *
It had to happen--and he was right, she wanted to be caught, because there
was no reason to seduce anyone on the gym floor. And she wanted to swear
it was impulse when she came in to watch him work out.
But it wasn't.
So yeah, she wanted someone to find out. And Rogue had, in such a
spectacular fashion. If she'd had a choice, that probably would have been
She was still sweating when she pulled on her shirt. Logan was staring at
the door and she couldn't read his expression at all.
"Fucking goddamnit to hell." And the enthusiasm level in the profanity was
so low that Jean looked up to watch him snatch his shirt off the floor. He
didn't even look at her before he started to the door.
"She'll never forgive you."
It was out of her mouth before she could even take it back and it made her
sick that she meant it, every malicious word. There was a stiffening of
the muscles across his back and she heard the sound of metal when he
slammed a fist into the wall. When he turned around, she drew back.
"You knew. What the fuck are you doing, Jean?"
He didn't even wait for an answer, but went out the door, pulling his shirt
on as he stalked, and she unsteadily walked to look at the imprint of his
fist in the wood, the four perfect holes that went--oh, about nine inches
deep. Then she went to make a notation for repairs.
She was a sick bitch.
* * * * *
The whole campus was the pale azure of general good feelings, so it was
easy to spot the edgy black and red of Rogue. Logan was sometimes harder
to catch--strong mental discipline she'd encountered only in Xavier was
unevenly applied and she wondered if he remembered more he would be better
able to control it. She followed the path to the forest, the living beacon
of rage and hurt impossible to miss.
"What the fuck do you think I was doing? And don't you dare give me that
crap about being concerned on Cyke's behalf, Marie, because I know a hell
of a lot better than that!"
She couldn't hear Rogue's reply, and wondered if Rogue even understood that
the fact he'd stalked her out here meant something. That he'd lost his
temper meant something. Probably not--she was too young, even with her
plural memory and eyes always looked as if they had seen too much.
And too hurt.
"It's not like that! Shit, Marie, act for a second like a grown-up and not
a spoiled fucking child--"
The slap echoed in the quiet of the forest and Jean caught her breath as
she came downwind--Logan wouldn't appreciate being spied on, even by her.
"I *am* a child, remember?" Now Jean could see and hear, watched the
young girl spin hard enough on the ground to pull up dirt. "Eternally
seventeen Marie, little fucking sister." Rogue's language deterioration
and the loss of the soft drawl were both warning signs. Jean had worked
with her often enough to control the flood of those other memories when
Marie was unable to completely control herself, but stress and sleep were
when she was vulnerable. And Rogue was never physical in her anger.
But Logan was.
"What do you want me to say?" It was defeat, even if Rogue couldn't hear
or understand it.
"Tell me how good she was and how it was worth it."
"It was both."
Startled silence--honesty was what Rogue hadn't expected, and Jean shook
her head at it.
"Tell me it won't happen again."
A silence that stretched and Jean took a breath.
"Can you even tell me why?" She was Rogue again, not channeling, the red
suddenly twisting down to the sick yellow of jealousy and hurt.
Silence. She saw Rogue's face tighten for a second, then a breath let out
as yellow bled into the soft green of hurt acceptance.
"Will it end?"
That should have hurt them both, but Jean didn't see a spike in the
emotional aura and drew away. Walked back to campus, thinking it was two
days from Sunday.
* * * * *
And still no one noticed.
It began to piss her off--Rogue's eyes didn't meet hers but she felt them
on her when she wasn't looking, an eternal testing of every movement and
every word that made her feel like she was performing on a stage. Knew
Rogue had certain areas of her mind that even the deepest mental exercises
between them had never touched, places that were created and maintained by
memories that weren't her own.
She had Eric's ability to hold a grudge, Logan's hot temper balanced by her
own cool reason and her youth. Rogue would forgive Logan--but she'd never
And that, to her surprise, did hurt.
They were alone in the lab.
"Don't you even fucking dare." The accent was light, almost gone, and she
knew whatever part of her had been awakened in the gym, it wasn't going
back to sleep anytime soon.
She wanted to say she didn't have to explain herself to an eighteen year
old kid, but the words stuck--because neither had Logan. And it stuck
because she knew he meant it--two years he'd wait for her to be old enough
to know who she was and what she really wanted.
She was living out a fantasy--he was purging an obsession. God.
She knew why.
"You didn't win." And the dark eyes looked into hers briefly. Flickering
with all that heat that you only really have in youth, when everything is
black and white.
"It was never a competition."
Dark hair flipped back--the girl pulled on a pair of latex gloves.
"I won't always be eighteen," she said softly. Seriously. Picked up a
test tube in gloved fingers. "I won't always be too young. I won't always
be untouchable. You won't always have him. Not because you don't want to.
Because he chooses." A pause. "But you know that, right? You thought you
had all the control. Is it a turn-on, to know that, to believe that? To
think you can break him? Just with a smile and closing your legs? Sunday
Scott comes home, classes end, and Logan'll leave. But you'll be out of
his head for good." A soft smile. "And it'll never happen again."
And Jean knew she was right.
--Hi, My Name Is Jenn, and I have Serious Issues with Marie wearing gloves
to bed. On Principle.--Sare on "Evil Plot Bunny #1: The Evil Sare
Tortures Jenn Via AIM One Night"
--Yeah, it's like being in love with hospital gravy.--Nacey on Jean's