Author: Elizabeth Wilde
Title: Sunset: Remembering
Series: Phases: Time of Day
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks
me for it,
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men or the song �Daddy
Said� by Nanci Griffith. No copyright infringement is
intended, so don�t sue!
'Ship: none technically, hints of Logan/Rogue
Summary: Rogue thinks about how things have changed at
the mansion since Logan left.
Feedback: Please, yes! to wilde_moon@...
Notes: The graphic for this story can be seen at
Now I dream of a lover that I don't know
It's safer this way 'cause I don't have to go
And he won't come so nobody goes away
Sometimes I wish for the warmth of his hand
Take a look at these eyes and understand
I'm just a little too old to be learning the rules of
I'm twenty-two years old, and sometimes I feel like
I'm a hundred. I look into the mirror and look into
my own eyes and don't even recognize myself about half
the time. The woman in the mirror scared me when I
was younger, back when I still cried myself to sleep
every night because Logan had left me. Back then, the
old woman didn't feel like a part of me. Now she is.
I make a lot of people uneasy anymore. After we
graduated, Jubilee and I drifted apart almost at once.
She's a happy person, and most of the time I'm a
pretty dark person. Most of the pulling away was on
my side. I didn't want me to rub off on her. She
deserves her smiles. Kitty and I still talk some. We
don't have light conversations, though, don't wave and
smile when we pass in the hall. Just every now and
then, we seek each other out and bare our souls like
it's the last chance we have. It feels good.
I think Bobby held out hope for quite a bit that he'd
be able to wear me down, convince me to go out with
him. I never had to tell him why I said no. Robert
Drake may be just a guy, but damned if he doesn't know
me better than just about anyone I've ever known even
when I do keep him in the dark. He'd ask me, I'd say
no, he'd smile, and we'd go on just like nothing had
happened. It was part of the routine. He doesn't ask
anymore. I think that hurt me at first, but now I'm
glad. I don't like the way it used to hurt him even
when he pretended it didn't.
Bobby knows me well enough to know I love Logan.
Alright, I love the Logan who lives up in my head.
He's always there. He never runs away from me. It's
easier loving him that it is loving Wolverine. My
Logan loves me back. He has dirty little fantasies
reserved just for me, not Jean.
I'm a member of the X-Men now, and so are Bobby and
Kitty and Jubilee. We save the world on a regular
basis, and still my life seems like it's missing
something. Scott tells me I'm a "valuable team
member" often enough that it's starting to tick me
off. Or maybe that's Wolverine talking. I can't be
sure sometimes. My thoughts, my actions, they aren't
always me. It certainly wasn't me who used to stare
at Xavier like he was Logan shirtless everytime he
wheeled into a room. That's an annoying little habit
that I'm glad seems to have gone away. Erik was not a
fun person to live with. But being a member of the
X-Men is good. I'm helping. I'm using those powers I
stole to help people. It doesn't help much with the
guilt, with the knowing that poor woman's going to be
in a coma for the rest of her life because of me. But
it helps some.
Jean tries to get me to confide in her sometimes. I
used to leer at her and say she just wanted to get in
my head again before remembering that she never had
been in my head. Just Wolverine's. Now I tell her
that I'm fine and I don't need her help. Which still
sounds a bit more like Logan than me. I actually do
talk to Ororo sometimes, mostly because she doesn't
try to get me to. She's quiet but she's strong. She
won't take anything from anybody, and all that calm
goes straight to Hell if somebody ticks her off. I've
gotta admire that. Or maybe Wolverine does. Anyway,
some part of me does.
I've got people all around me wanting to help me and
talk to me and make me feel normal again. It's sweet,
really. I appreciate it. But it won't work. I'm
Rogue, the mutant life-force vacuum, and I'm not ever
going to be normal.
The only time I come close is in my dreams and in my
head. That's where Logan lives too. In my head, he
loves me and wants me and needs me the way I need him.
So I don't need Bobby or Remy or anybody else. I
Catch Your Breath [my index site] ~ http://www.catchyourbreath.net
"We've always been ready for female superheroes because women want to be them and men want to do them." -Famke Janssen
"Rogue, please. I like you. Don't make me stab you to death with a plastic hanger." ~from Dyce's fic 'The Godless Among Them'
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