22 January 2004
This appeared in my e-mail today. Perhaps some will find it amusing or
Subject: Forrrst Gump Gets into Heaven..or Does He?
The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, 'Well,
Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been
administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short,
but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir.. But
nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't
too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter goes on, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, 'Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest says, 'Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin
with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, 'Forrest, that's not what I
was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next
one?' asks St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?'
'Now that one's harder,' says Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that
and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter says, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forest says 'Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you're going with this, and
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'OK, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the
first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it
from the song. 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE
I'M HIS OWN......'
St. Peter opened the gate and said: 'Run, Forrest, Run'
Some one-liners on a different subject.
'If you can read this, thank a teacher.... If you are reading it in
English, thank a soldier.'
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis (Unencumbered by the Thought Process.)
Ultinam Omnium Huius Suspendit (Lacerated Latin for Let It All Hang Out)
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