Thanks for taking the time to review. I probably should have
proofread it before posting. I'll admit, I have a problem with
rythum of a poem. I haven't written one in a long time. I'll have
to look at it, see if I can make it better.
--- In email@example.com
, albiaicehouse <no_reply@...>
> You have the imagination to pull this off. The conversion of
> to laughter has a dream like feel.
> I suggest you check for tense. Some of your verbs are past tense
> some are present tense. This confuses the reader. Past tense is
> easier and more frequent in story telling. However, present tense
> might work better in this case as the reader will feel really
> in the midst of the shock.
> Next look at the tension and release verse by verse. You can even
> chart them on a scale of one to ten for each verse. I think you'll
> see you build some but then you largely fritter it away. I expect
> will want the biggest release or shock to occur at:
> "Horns from my skin,
> And an enourmous toothy smile,
> The only feature of my head,"
> You may want to end it there, but if you don't, you should resolve
> quickly and end on a mental realization so strong it matches the
> physical one in these lines.
> If you drag it on much after this, its like the dark things in a
> horror movie, setting it up for the next big build up. If you
> have one, well then the reader feels cheated.
> I hope this helps.
> Title suggestion: Consequences
> --- In firstname.lastname@example.org, "Dean" <devonstat_ekard@>
> > This is a not very good attempt at a Halloween poem. But I was
> > trying to be creapy more than anything. No title yet, if you
> > sugestion feel free.
> > Twisting and writhing,
> > I crawled with great fury,
> > Each inch a desperate attempt,
> > To find my place,
> > Rabid and seething,
> > I know I must hurry,
> > Erupting in the place they wept,
> > Knowing the others would give chase.
> > I stared at the name,
> > Once held by me,
> > On the stone above the dirt,
> > Along with the date I left,
> > It was the same,
> > As it would always be,
> > In a quick spuirt,
> > I covered the evidence of my shift.
> > I must make haste,
> > For soon they will come,
> > To take me back to my fate,
> > Laid by actions of my life,
> > Without a minute to waste,
> > I ran to the place I once called home,
> > To one last desire sate,
> > When I find my wife.
> > Bursting into the house,
> > Swearing I hear footsteps behind,
> > Slamming the door tight,
> > I let out a slow breath,
> > Now the skittering of a mouse,
> > Is the only footsteps of any kind,
> > Rushing through town in the night,
> > Keeping from sight without having to try.
> > But the house was empty,
> > Hadn't seen life in years,
> > Except for me,
> > Covered in rot,
> > Then they came for me,
> > Exciting all my fears,
> > I will not give in to destiny,
> > I will not.
> > I rush through the building,
> > Trying to hide,
> > Knowing any second,
> > They will be swarming,
> > Using a closet as covering,
> > I hope silence is on my side,
> > That they will not be beconed,
> > Praying I have warning.
> > My prayers seem heard,
> > For the sound stops,
> > Leaving me in the small room,
> > Remaining as quiet as a mouse,
> > Without a word,
> > Being sure nothing drops,
> > That would invite the doom,
> > Waiting for me in the house.
> > Reaching around,
> > Searching for the light switch,
> > To illuminate my prison,
> > The bulb burns bright,
> > And I let out a sound,
> > A scream at an incredible pitch,
> > Looking at flesh of crimson,
> > Around my bones so tight.
> > Horns from my skin,
> > And an enourmous toothy smile,
> > The only feature of my head,
> > Not that my body held anything different,
> > As ugly as sin,
> > Laughing all the while,
> > How long I'd been dead,
> > To have changed in ways so signifigant.
> > I realized then,
> > That the screams were laughter,
> > Erupting from my grinning face,
> > Calling my captors to me,
> > The door began to open,
> > Not that it would matter,
> > No where to race,
> > Nowhere to flee.
> > I am going where I belong,
> > Returning to hell,
> > Never to see my wife,
> > Never to say I'm sorry,
> > For never dancing to our song,
> > For when I was less than faithfull,
> > For wasting my life,
> > On thinks that shouldn't have made me worry.
> > The demons that came,
> > Surrounding my laughing form,
> > I cannot feel,
> > I know it's over,
> > My punishment will be the same,
> > As it has become the norm,
> > This same situation just as real,
> > Forgotten to reinstall the fear.
> > With no eyes,
> > Without turning around,
> > I still see,
> > Demons of various shaping,
> > And various size,
> > They start to surround,
> > Then they are upon me,
> > Dragging me to hell while I'm laughing.