My laptop is acting funny. THe cursor skips up to things i wrote before and i ahve to edit and sometimes the new text deletes the old. Appologies beforehand if i cannot fully rectify this.
I have a situation which has become a high concern of mine. For the last 13 years i ahve been harased to varying degrees and in various ways by local cults and the bulk of the inference has indicated thier angst towards me is rooted in my past life affiliation with the order A.'.A.'. and the implied disdain of western culture on behalf of crowley. Other aspects arose from simple misunderstanding of things which is in turn rooted in thier westernized mindsets. Though it is true that i eventually began to indulge "emotions" mixing them with drugs and alcohol and certain psychological tricks to increase my own pain, to feel it more because it was mine - and that this in turn as steadied my decline into a mix of atrophy and apathy neither of which i trully enjoy but were for a time worth the expense if i could only get in touch with the only valid sensational response to my situation - it only came about after waiting several years for A.'.A.'. assistance
and fraternity. Various groups online implied knowledge of my situathis situation online i would get in-person responses - always with slight of mouth and ion before i mentioned it. After posting several things about plausible deniability - and other things.
One person invaded my astral space after my occurance on alt.magick and tried to innitiate me via dream magick. I was in a room with checkered black-white floor, large stationary and ornate inscence holders and i was laying on the alter. Others have incaded my dreams with less objectional content and won't be referenced. Nearly every job I've had has had one of thier members present when i enlisted or one eventually came. Indications direct me to the cult described by robert wilson and shae's "illuminatus! trilogy" but also a golden dawn cult, potentially an o.t.o. cult and chivalric society. I've also had negative and unprovoked encounters with non-human entities, specifically one where i first was cuaght with a "flight or fight" sensation only to gaze into the mirror and see a "five dimensional" being whose full manifestation had to be taken in parts, like a holographic image. He claimed to be from sirius to steal my freedom (note, dogs are
domesticated animals, castrated if you will, and not wholly free and it was lack of free will for preferance of spiritual obeiscance they sought, or such was the tacicity of the experience). This may have been a manufactured experience, I'm not sure. A person online mentioned that certan visions i had mentioned on alt.magick was false. THey never spoke to me directly when in that mode of conversation or were very "flat out" and perhaps even almost one-sided with thier communiques. The recruiters at two local colleges (at the time my only options) were members. Detailed information can be given later. One person attempted and eventually (when i indulged myself) in imposing a magickal psychosis on me to impose and contrive the nessecity for meditation as per the regiments/yamas of Crowley's Book Four part 1 section 1. I hate spiritual masters and there's nothing thelemic about contriviction and similar extortions. I had to hurt myself to avoid it and it's
times like these that the FRATERNAL A.'.A.'. is meant to be just that. DO similar malfunctions occur with falun dafa? THier adepts are also fraternally bound to thier students and aspirants when such instances occur.
Several attempts at helping me were afforded. The "gabriel working" i performed at age 15 warned me of a cult that would try to confuse and perhaps evene control my mind and several more casual spiritual contacts revealed more. I used the golden dawn sigil and a ritual i found in a book akin to shamanic rituals i've found elsewhere wherein one imagines a "cloud realm" or similar meeting space. An asiatic boy-king with a green glow and golden and black decorated robes taught me an energy trick. Several asians gave me energy in person and via the astral. Due to the extremity and immediacy of my situation i was blinded and thought the extreme disorientation was an attack until years later while talking to a mongolian spiritualist online. Turns out I might have much more in common with those asians than i suspected when i percieved them in adversity. I met a self-proclaimed member of motta's A.'.A.'. at a crack house. She was whoring herself and eventually
smelt like too many other peoples semen to even be allowed at the other crack house. Yet during one conversation she validated something i experienced years earlier, that joel birocco was in my area and perhaps lending to my suspicion that he was "stalking me" (like in castenedas' books), due also to his timely republishing of his babalon working in conjunction with one stint i had online as i sometimes lose itor years. I expressed my opinion that chaos and thelema were coeval, a word which piqued her intriguement and joels babalon working aside i do have plans for this. I was a chaos magickian before i was consciously aware of being thelemic but when i saw it there was no denying it. I held in the back of my head that i was a reincarnated member but waned several forms of third party varification (omens) before i could formally and consciously indulge such potential flights to fancy. I picked up a book and set it down after the papyrus ani footnote
knowing i needed much more formal and esoteric education to make use of it at that young age of 13. I thought i knew everything about the author, that maybe i was him. I immediately put that aside, it would only cloud my mind. Besides, he was a dead and my life is now. Earlier that school year a friend thought i knew the answer to the question "what is the meaning of life" based on some conversations and etc. I quickly and laughingly told him life has no meaning, men find and give meaning to it (the -exact- phrasing will have to be recalled later but pick either of the two additions to what solomon said on the meaning of life in the old testament). I had a tendancy to refer to myself on paper as "christ, high priest, and saint" but considered this a reaction to then being in a catholic middle school. Later on others would take this mroe seriously. Two times native americans came to my door when i was not home asking my birth father where "the father"
was. Never met them. THey were the least offensive of those who call me jesus or christ or similar admonitions. Validity is not lost upon me, i can at times bring earnest christians to tears with my ability to quote the bible (once actually, and she was barely holding them back when i correlated egyptian tradition and asiatic mysticism with judeochristianity but I'll leave room for furture incidents should they ever occur as the potential still exists). Besides, it was only weeks ago that a car came to a screeching halt so the driver could stick out his head and yell to me "you look like jesus fucking christ." I wanted to chose lucifer as my communion name but my teachers said he was a saint not of our denomination. Lucifer played an underlying role in most of my occultism, i like him for his alchemy. To me, lucifer = alchemy. While working a side job a black man in african regalia with a bone necklass, the colored half-robe and flattened hat with an
indistinct accent asked me if i had some marijuana to smoke. I said i would if i did and he went on to say that i look like lucifer and that the owner had five dogs for each archangel, including lucifer. This was third party varification and i do look like myself on a higher plane, as i phrased such things when i was a teenager.
I have seen myself in blue orangish and white robes with a large sword. Wearing hard leather armor. Having height stories higher than the humans below me as my image was interpreted holographically, alternating between me in modern "metal-styled" black leather and a somewhat "fly-ish" insectoid form. When i tried to speak with a human it suddenly became aware of me and was filled with fright. Ran off screaming and I have other lovecraftian paraphrenalia about me, specifically concerning the cold, a green glow and primordial things. I have also witnessed myself with reptilian skin and glowing orbs about myself, specifically the two "mickey mouse ears" on the back of my head. Other times with golden-orange robes. Soemtiems i am with people of one race, other times with another. I awoke in a monastery and pointed to the next horizon and for a period my face was clouded with a multi-colored glow. After losing this glow i noted that i lost certain superficial
aspects of self-Self. Some in one asian kingdom reminded me that even in the ehavens they still play rough, but trully play at the same time. Not like what one might sometimes find down here on the planet. Some are merely callous, like venus aphrodite in homers' illiad. And they do call be a baby and a whiner while i struggle and toil. I enjoyed homers illiad, he must have been innitiated. It has many signs to this end. I have not been formally innitiated, i work with transcarnated dharma, the dharma i get from the clouds spirits and air around me. I reject all terrestrial innitiation, dirt and time are vices i cannot endure. They work much cleaner and must faster as experience has shown. Some say I'm full of myself, but how full are they to impose terrestrialism over my supraterrestrialism? Gabriel and others guided me and helped me, as did my Holy Guardian Angel. Lucifer came to me in clouds one day to end my suffering. My body became stiff and prone
and my heart stopped as sometimes occured in meditation or casual instances. We both knew it was not my time. A great vision in the clouds was efore me and the sky seemed painted. Every contour and shadow only perfected the image. I've had visions in the clouds since i was young. At the end they told me i could go with them, but i said i ahve things to do down here. Some time later i began to indulge. Formal A.'.A.'. recognition is not required and if you want a record for the experiences which were too quick to stop and write about then i suggest you check the akashik or go fuck yourself. I am a very small person inside but sometimes now how to speak when i chose to. I dunno why some in the west want so much from me, they even got blood from my stone of a heart but still they seek more. I said if have to heal myself (and perhaps even do the rest thereafter myself) i would only become "very fucking pissed" and would take it out on the proepr authorities
in the west. I test you, not the other way around.
I was at a building formerly owned by a cicero. I was invited by some i met socially who claimed some extensive esotericism, like bleeding thier negativity into a crystal so that it in turn became black. It was "goth night" at the upstage, a nightclub in that building. THe place was sold after i began to formulate a means of expressing discontent online, roughly in the year 2005 or 2006. It was later housed at a gay night club downtown called "pegasus." Once there i spent some time by myself, not really knowing anyone. I sat down with the group who brought me and they had gathered soem friends from the crowd. The main one, who i suspect of being a shapeshifter, began a name game. She was lucifer, the next muhammed, jesus, confucius and buddha in some order. I was "sqiggly wiggly." Though some get the impression that I am, I try not to be an untouchable person after this manner and some (LHP and similar types with lack of extensive indulgence) take this
as weakness as determined by a western mindset I am again tiring to indulge. This may or may not be evident in my current prose. So we left and another girl came home with us. She spent the night and demonstrated some telepathic ability in the form of a test. After a subsequent conversation she invited me to the porch and superimposed her appearance with that of a much older male. She then impposed a trance on me an cautioned me not to indulge it but i tried to use it for the healing i knew she wouldn't give. She gave me some of my energy back for a moment and i tested her, asked her to show me how to prevent it being taken as such (usually i can prevent it but i made a stash on the astral and have been rather absent minded due to my so-called faith in my eventual return concerning these artifacts). I was giddy and energetic again, and it had been a while. I'm not really what i am at other points, and have been known as a pot-head (my usualy disguise),
some one who always looks like they want to kill some one, some one who perhaps never read a book, some claim i'm very intelligent when they get in that mode, but before all this i was the kid who'd bash his head against lockers and brick walls or punch them, vandalize public and private property huff glue and cut himself while listening to metal. Before that I was just a child who soemtimes had a fetish for oriental "mind over matter" meditation and found his soul spot in the woods where he'd try to venture to the point where no sign of cEvilization could be seen. I'd read encyclopedias and watch 1980's horror and martial arts and action films at age 8 and got into nine inch nails greenday and white zombie when i was in fifth grade. I hade numerous occult experiences, and one worth mentioning for it's simplicity is when i took a small statuette and threw it for no reason at age eight or nine or maybe 10. It and time stood still as it floated in midair
then fell. It was nothing to me, just like when i awoke to find myself floating above my bed. Only relevant thing to say about that is that i checked to see if i was holding myself above my bed as if doing push ups in my sleep before i fell moments later. All that time i spent trying to walk up invisible stairs for "mind over matter" and i did it in my sleep at age 10 or 11. I used to see solid shadows in human form at the foot of my bed, sometimes strange music accompanied. I'd eventually conjure one after him and four of his friends summoned me, with that music, to my mothers sitting room. They were in "star" form and discussing politics. I beseached them as thus "oh great and unholy masters, bestow thy infernal powers upon me." THey laughed and said i was too pretentious and i tacitly understood what that menat without ever hearing the word before. I was 12 or 13 at the time. This is a small recollection, the rest would only encumber this.
My current pretentiousness is a form of NLP-metaprogramming, keeps me focused in spite of all the crack alcohol and weed and whatever other stressors I endure. I was given two names. God amungst men, man amungst gods.. God Satan CHrist AntiChrist. These are my mottos today. When i was about 8m or 9 my sunday school teacher told our class that god was everywhere and all seeing. I tried internally to percieve from this perspective. I recieved a vision of christ in blue orangish and white robes and a light blue aura floating down the street near the school instead. Later within about 2 years i heard a voice in my head, not entirely unusual. It told me i was weak ugly and stupid but would correct this. Told em the spirit moves the body and implied the obverse was not correct. I would later attribute my strength to my spirit, and i was the smallest person on my little league football team, or nearly so, but my coaches used me as an example for my ability on
the line. I started offensive and defensive line and once evne had some one in tears of frustration because i knocked him on his ass every play. I got mine too. I'd break through the line and get spear headed each time during one game. I attribute this to something dirty i did during a pile-on once.. I wasn't always so un-western and did indulge it for a time. But later became sick of it knowing that those i hung out wiht would not ___ as deep as I would. Not in politics or the occult, they only wanted charms banter and rhetoric. I wanted essence. When I was in fifth grade i watched MTV (later i'd ahve to stop due to thier lack of adherance to their namesake and that metal music became confined to late night television adn eventually mtv2 for preferance of reality t.v. which only entertained me during my 6'th grade year when the real world had a "punk" participant, and i was young and perhaps easily fooled into that...) i saw some punk rockers in new
york during one of thier commercials and knew this was the true path. I still cannot claim to be punk because I'm not a gutter punk. But lack of worthwhile participants caused me to isolate and become an occultish hermit during my highschool years, only hanging out when we cut class to smoke pot and spending the rest of my time reading about politics and the occult or my rather extensive experimentation. No sleep for 2-5 days and repeat on waking, sleep is for the weak. Not more than half a meal a day if that, sometimes 1, food is for the weak. no water unless at school at the fountain or at the eat n' park, water is for the weak. No oxygen for preferance of huffing glue, smoking cigarrettes and weed and pranayama restrictions on breathing, air is for the weak. Or such was my mantra. Lots of self hypnosis, trance work and etc. I rose on the planes and saw my higher self and brought down my transcarnated dharma somewhat after meeting gabriel. THis
followed by months of lsd. Only quarter and half hits at first, then full hits then two and this led to an extreme experience. I cut myself while throwing broken glass at a wall to see it sparkle in the sun. I was perhaps the only one in highschool with lsd and once had 20 people tripping in the same day. And i was already being cursed and afflicted for years by this point, but also vampirized (eventually to the point of brittle bones, cold chest for weeks and even feeling hands clasping my chest when waking after a vampiric dream, and where was the FRATERNAL A.'.A.'., no other A.'.A.'. matters). I allowed myself an indulgence, being the guy who always looked like he wanted to kill some one wasn't my full personality so i said "holy shit" in a failed attempt at emoting. THe underside of my finger dangled and i began to bleed. My sister told me to run to the bp gas station but i told her it would only make me bleed faster, so i walked. Once there i
nearly passed out and puked. When i regained myself i went into the bathroom and had a funny thought when i noticed i was leaving bloody handprints on the wall. Spent five hours in the waiting room at the e.r. laughing at other paitents with my sister and the enxt day the clerk at the b.p. told me some one came in later and thought some one had been murdered in bathroom. Mission accomplished. I seldom do these things anymore, having been so severely dispirited and disheartened. Been a couple months since i threw some uprooted plants into the sunroof of a car with a friend. Been a couple years since i flatted the tires of nearly every car on the street. THough i did, with a friend, get a cut closed down with our obscene graffitti a couple months ago. In an unrelated incident i wrote "sanity is a liability, jump here to find freedom" on the side of a bridge.I'm a very small person, and deep inside i'm only a child. I just wanna be me but they hate me and
want me to conform, they want to "steal my freedom" as said above, make me some bland idiot western intellectual. Get the context now?
Years of my life, can the A.'.A.'. return them? I take payments out the ass as well, you know? I even came in my good clothes, looking all jesus like in my skin suite. I hate you people. Only whitey calls me a racist, because of white i say about whitey. In new york there was a riot. 1920's. Italians irish and blacks, the rally cry was "let's kill all the white people." Where is YOUR heart? Mine is stolen. I am irish and cicilian, but have other reasons to say "kill whitey." THe misfits wrote a song, "let's kill all the white people." I feel my punk said it best. Better than the hippies, and perhaps because they lack superficiality. Not just the superficial lacking but also lack of "v for victory" peace sign, new age rhetoric, sex drugs music and communes and etc.
I'm 26 years old. But if i go with the adepts of the generation prior to mine (which i was told not to, for thier vulgarity, see also the "illuminatus! trilogy" when wilson/shae claim "the great white magickian is dead, now is the time for black brothers" and need i remind you of your fraternal obligations? fair enough, your order is naught and i did say if i can outdo any adept in any sense then i would denounce the entire organization because i test you, not you unto me) i'd only indulge the moonchilde ritual i came to save this body from. Crowley denounced it. Fuck any cult that uses it. And fuck scientology as well. Yeah, i heard that story too, along with kenneth angers falling out with that guy from led zeppelin. Also came across an article online, republished from 1983, year i was born, called "the beast is back." 1983, NOT 1984. Yes, I was once head of an illuminist order which uses the eye in the pyramid design, but i fucking hate mentalists.
Orwell wasn't bad.Some golden dawn societies, however, and perhaps some chivalric ones, posture themselves a certain way. Several national and international politions were at my grandfaths funeral. I am the seventh son of a seventh daughter. My ancestors owned various establishments and were partial owners of what is now a internationally reknown football franchise. I grew up in a room with no insulation or heating and grew to lvoe the cold. Some of the coldest winters on record. I no longer wear t-shirts or go out barechested in snow storms but we don't have snow storms anymore. I do sometimes leave my window open on winter nights. I am 26. 13 years. I am mostly self taught. I'm a fucking weed, not wanted to live but somehow making root and perhaps even flowers at times. Since the age of 13...i rise but only did so until age 21-23, then I indulged myself. Now i suffer trial by fire. I couldn't go to college, they first tried to make me take clases i
didn't want by claiming to ahv eno info on any class but those my mother wanted me to take and when i persisted she left and came back with for only the classes my mother suggested. The next attempt was met with more extravagant interference. I am mostly self taught. Due to U.S.ian education system in public schools me and my classmates tried to ahve our math teacher fired but he was only transfered. Two of his students in his student body passed with "d" averages. I've been fucked on that end ever since though "tested posative" for calculus in an online I.Q. test. I've known since the fifth grade that such things are bogus but did score a high of 152, the real score should ahve been clsoe to mensa status had i a PROPER education. I was a borderline genius in gradeschool. FUCK THE U.S. My burnt foreign I.D. in front of the statue of liberty (and captured on camera and available online from an ftp site whose addy i forgot) was perhaps a FUCKING WASTE. So
much can happenn so little time sinc ehte last just war.
But they never did live up to thier standards, did they? Slaves, prejudice, no men being equal and thier having said "who gives a fuck about the rights of woemn children gays and anyone perhaps not quite so masculinely anglo saxon as they" and etc. Censor me and die. My only threat is that i will find a way. I am not a badass, I am a very small person. Western mvoies make what i might naturally say seem cheesey and generic.
So i once said that i would make serial killer movies a reality, stop short of cannibalism and kill thier secondary incarnations first. THat girl who was killed and mutilated in 2005 looks alot like the shapeshifter from above. I said I would atack thier heads of state for attacking mine meaning me. THe killer looked a little like micheal meyers and had "23" in his yahoo addy. He too stopped short of cannibalism, i did this in honor of achilles. I took latin in highschool because i knew from crowley's mitap that it would become nessesary. He told his class he didn't care, it was a dead language. I ehar now they no longer offer many if any language courses. Was once a blue ribbon highschool and is now a security state highschool. No language classes but some couple hundred security cameras. So much for the state budget on learning....I found myself cutting class for many reasons. I first started in fifth grade and some may say i was too smart for my own
good. i knew my grades did not reflect anything mroe than rote memory. The teacher just let us walk out, and we played hide and seek or whatever in the hallways. Give somebody something WORTH trying for. Otherwise they just waste lives, but the trend towards aristocracy prefers this anyway. Social darwinism is nothing more than a socioalized darwinian pretense which favors obeiscance and the status quo and those in power. It's an attempt to justify corporate feudalism in it's modern ad-libbed an open ended form which is validated only under a vulgar understanding, it does not encourage true intelligence. FUck what crowley said, for having said just that i FEEL like a motherfuckinggod. Employment record is used as a vice, a form of extortion. Lose your job on bad terms, even if they are contrived biased or unfounded, and expect to wait one or more months for a new one or simply take the bullshit jobs that don't care. Some are lucky and there are
loopholes but this is not what the U.S. was supposed to be. A fucking drug test to work at a cogo's? For a minimum wage job that won't even or ever afford me life liberty and the persuit of happiness either in constitutional terms or modern terms? BULLSHIT! I used to disdain being buried with the rights of a saint by A.'.A.'. members, but maybe they knew something i didn't about myself. I hate to indulge this, i'd rather smoke crack.
I'm only pissed at the hierarchy, shit should roll uphill and no this doesn't mean i should suffer for your sins, I am no christ as such.
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