FBI Warns Public of Pending Attacks
The FBI has received a "credible threat" that a major terrorist
attack is planned for October 29th. Decrypted messages from Osama Bin
Laden's latest video-taped message indicate that Al-Qaeda has won a
number of converts to its extremist form of Islam within the borders
of the United States and that these domestic terror cells intend to
use America's sewers as the avenue for their next attack - anyone who
uses the can on the 29th will be bitten on the rump by alligators.
According to FBI director Robert Mueller, "These insidious hardline
Islamist reptiles plan to slither into unsuspecting Americans' toilet
bowls and bite them while they sing 'God Bless America' and read the
Sunday 'Times'." Another senior FBI official, speaking on condition
of anonymity, stated, "We also have reports that Al-Qaeda is
using 'suicide gators' who have deliberately infected themselves with
anthrax. If so, unwitting toilet users may get more from the attacks
than the opportunity to show off their scar."
Speaking from a secure Port-a-Potty erected in the Oval Office this
morning, President George W. Bush acted to allay the American
people's fears. He vowed to lead a "crusade against the reptilian
evildoers," outlining a five-point plan to "hugemongously" cut
capital gains taxes, drill for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Preserve,
install surveillance cameras in every bathroom, outhouse, and girls'
locker room, bomb all remaining humanitarian facilities in Kabul,
and "restore freedom to our nation's sewers."
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stated that the "sewer front"
battle of the president's crusade would be carried out by the
Southern Baptist Convention, the Army Corps of Plumbers, and Ann
Coulter, who plan to flush the attackers out with a combination of
Jerry Falwell broadcasts, Agent Orange, and Mr. Tidy Bowl. Retiring
senator Jesse Helms stirred controversy on the senate floor this
morning when he recommended supplementing this "toxic enema" with low-
level nukes, "at least in that damn UN pinko town, Jew Yor . . . er,
the great metropolis of New York."
And in an ironic twist of fate the president has announced that
airplanes are probably the safest place to use the toilet on the 29th
since "those chemical toilets could kill anything," adding, "We hope
this will bring people back to the airwaves."