PUNS OF THE DAY 09-05-13
The Queen bellowed, “Leave me alone!
First, bring me my pipe of homegrown!”
The Page said, “I can’t,
Your Highness, I shan’t
Condone a stoned crone on a throne!”
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Superconductive materials should be properly stored in an ohmless shelter. (Mike Bull)
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
English Paper Blooper: "The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."
As people grew ever wearier of his apple piercing routine, the celebrated archer began placing even smaller vegetable targets on the head of his brave son. After repeatedly proving his prowess by skewering plums, grapes and even blueberries, he eventually resorted to splitting the buds of small flowers. So keen was his eye and so accurate was his aim that the intrepid archer actually grew to prefer targeting the tiny buds of a certain flowering herb. From then on he began shooting at this one flower exclusively, and never missed. Would he remembered as the best marksman ever? His new nick-name seemed to address that question, "Only thyme Will Tell." (Gary Hallock)
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working. (Fred Marcum)
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple Hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered. It was quickly determined that she had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the doctor noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry. Had to mow the lawn."
Friend: Saw your wife at the store, she said you guys split up because you don't communicate. Husband: "What do you mean we've split up?" (Tim McRaw)
Once, while driving around in his pickup with his pet donkey in the back, Bill discovered he had a flat tire. He got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck. A passing farmer asked, "Hey, thats a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?" "Its a simple matter of the breed this is a jack ass!"
The only reason why a women minds is cleaner than a mens is because she changes it often. (Tim McRaw)
IN THE NEWS
About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn't that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up. (Jay Leno)
Seattle's Hempfest drew two hundred thousand pot smokers celebrating legalization this past week. It's safer than crystal meth. A pot head drives twenty miles an hour and eats the carpet while a tweaker drives two hundred miles an hour and talks to the carpet. (Argus Hamilton)
They're now making the first smartphone that's not made overseas. It's made in Texas. It's also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun (Conan O'Brien)
On Sunday, more than 1,500 people set a world record by holding the largest gathering of redheads in history, marking the first event that nearly got canceled due to sun. (Jimmy Fallon)
Chaz Bono has lost 80 pounds in less than a year. And women are thinking - No fair, even for transgendered men why does it have to be easier for them to lose weight than us? (Janice Hough)
AND FROM THE PAST
Dad: "This same sex marriage thing is getting out of hand. Marriage is between a man and a woman, period. Next thing you know someone is going to marry a goat!" Son: "But, Dad. Didn't I hear you once say you married a shrew?" (Soup to Nutz: Rick Stromoski 12/04)
A prominent Republican, Christine Todd Whitman, who resigned from Bush's cabinet, has written a new book criticizing the right wing's control over the Republican party. It's called 'It's My Party Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP.' See that's the part I don't get. Battling for the heart of the Republican Party -- isn't that like fighting for the brain of the Democratic Party? (Jay Leno12/04)