PUNS OF THE DAY 09-04-13
Bad economy drives the man nuts.
He is losing much money and shuts
Down his saw making plant.
Since a profit he can't
Seem to earn, he must make lots of cuts.
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
Oxygen meets up with Potassium and Sodium. Oxygen asks, "O, do you want to go to a movie?" "K," responds Potassium. Sodium respons "Na."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!" The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One ... Two ... Three ..." Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!" Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!" Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
"Where Is My Sunday Paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded. "Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday." There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone. Then she was heard to mutter, "So that's why no one was at church today."
The bishop came to our church today, but I don't think he was a real bishop. He never moved once diagonally. (Grady Lacy)
Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly.... not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.' One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
The air conditioner in our office has stopped working and has officially become the newest member of the team. (Dean Okay)
A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle around her; there is usually a gang of men about, she has a waist and stays. It takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, It's the upkeep. She can be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming into port, always heads for the buoys.
You know your OCD is bad when you have drilled a 1 inch hole through the refrigerator to be sure the light goes off when the door is closed. (Tim McRaw)
IN THE NEWS
A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers. (Janice Hough)
It seems like lately, President Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what�s he doing with all of these dead cats? (Stephen Colbert)
It's fun to watch the Republicans' natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East. (Will Durst)
A Starbucks worker was fired for eating an expired sandwich out of the trash. Responded a bucks spokesman, "He deserved it. We sell those for $26" (Erik Bransteen)
Michael Douglas and his bride Catherine Zeta-Jones have separated. Basic Instinct would have told Catherine that this Fatal Attraction would result in him getting throat cancer. The Jew of the Nile probably had picked up the disease long ago on The Streets of San Francisco. (TC Chong)
AND FROM THE PAST
Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. OJ & Kobe are walking around, Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard, and haul her ass to jail. (Tim Allen 12/04)
President Bush and his wife got a new dog today. Isn't that cute? The little rascal has stained the rug in the Oval Office so many times they've had to name him Clinton. You know why the president had to get a new dog -- because the old one resigned. (Craig Fergeson 12/04)
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