PUNS OF THE DAY 05-15-13
I WILL BE ON VACATION BETWEEN MAY 17TH & MAY 26TH AND THERE WILL BE NO ISSUES OF MY POSTS DURING THAT PERIOD.
The linoleum salesman named Fred
Uttered words that soon filled me with dread.
"The ceramic type floor
Isn't sold any more,
And so all sales are vinyl," he said.
I attended electronics college for a 20-month course, leaving with my Associate Degree. One day in lab class, my partner decided he knew enough about circuitry to screw with a breadboard design by himself. The result was that he managed to get his hands across the 1350 volt oscilloscope vacuum tube leads, knocking him off his chair several feet. When my prof asked what happened, I told him, "Dave thought he was an engineer. Turns out he was only a conductor." (Rumpl4skn)
What do you call a spittoon in a wine bar? Grape expectorations. (Mike Bull)
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"
Both sugar and vinegar are preservatives, so it seems to boil down to whether you want to be in a jam or be pickled.
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender serves the drink. "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir, but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a $10 bill and the bartender rejects that as well. "What's going on here?" the man asks. "This is a Singles Bar."
A blog featuring a terrier-bulldog cross posing with different food items teetering on her head has followers upset she isn't fed properly. Which is odd, because it looks like a balanced diet. (RJ Currie)
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly., "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion." The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead! That's outrageous!" The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist: While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist.
To Mary, the love of my life: There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved. With love and tenderness, Jonathan P. S. See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.
"I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues. "That can't be true," said another. "No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
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