James Werner - Libertarian For Governor
A member of the statesmanblogs.com Community
Male | Austin , TX United States
James Werner is the Libertarian candidate for Governor
Note: The views expressed in this weblog are not
necessarily those of Austin360.com, Statesman.com or
the Austin American-Statesman. Please report abuse or
violations of our terms of service to
Click here for Help and FAQ.
The Great Debate!
Hey folks - James Werner, Libertarian candidate for
governor of Texas here.
So I decided to listen to the debate this evening on
the radio that way I wouldnt be distracted by the
flickering, two-dimensional images of my opponents.
Of course I did dress in a slate-gray Joseph Aboud
suit, a cherry-red Brooks Brothers tie, and a stout
pair of horsehide wingtips. This formal attire serves
as my thinking cap, and allows me to feel and
In order to get in the spirit, I also tried to imagine
what was going on in the television studio in my
It seemed as though Governor Perry was probably
hunching his shoulders in an effort to keep his tacky
coif from melting under the hot lights. Meanwhile,
Grandma Strayhorn was dashing back-and-forth across
the stage looking for her shoes, while Chris (the
proverbial deer in the headlights) Bell blinked
uncomprehendingly into the cameras. Kinky, of course,
was whispering to a stage hand, desperately trying to
finally cop a light for his eternally inert cigar.
If events transpired otherwise, please feel free to
OK, on to the debate.
First, let me say that I experienced wild swings of
emotion during this action-packed hour. I alternated
from uncontrollable weeping, to great belly laughs, to
nearly falling out of my chair with intellectual
exhaustion. Good Lord, WERE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS??
Before attacking the individual questions (and in
order to get something into the hot little hands of my
sponsors at the Austin American Statesman), Id like
to hand out a few awards. They are as follows:
Most Shocking Moment: And the winner is
asked if he would put the border area under martial
law to control immigration, he responded, Sure,
whatever it takes. This was just fantastic! Kinky
proposes putting huge swaths of Texas under military
rule! Man, you just cant make this stuff up
Most Hilarious Response: When asked who the
president-elect of Mexico was, Grandma replied, He
was elected by a very narrow margin. Jeez, how about
just saying, I have no idea some Mexican guy?
Nicely done Carole!
Most Cringe Inducing Moment: This had to be the
contest between Grandma and Governor Perry as to who
would be tougher on sex offenders. Carole suggested,
life without parole for first-time offenders. Perry
saw her and raised her with his proposal for the
death penalty for repeat offenders. I was expecting
Chris Bell to chime in with torture, and Kinky to
offer burning at the stake as a solution. Hey,
nothings too good for, our most precious resource.
Biggest Fib: Grandma was asked why she had promised
not to take money from people with tax cases before
her and then ended up taking over $100,000 from a
single contributor with just such a pending case. She
responded, Ive been above the law (OK, so maybe
that wasnt a fib). She then trailed off into a
discussion about how happy she was to be there,
answering those questions. She could have just said,
I changed my mind. Whats it to you?
In close second for this category was Chris Bells
reference to the, four candidates for governor.
Since his campaign was hysterical about my possible
inclusion in the debate, I have to assume he knows
that there are five candidates on the ballot for
Best Way to Use Your Own Deficiency Against the Other
Guy: In his summation, Governor Perry contrasted his
vision with that of Chris Bell, saying that he (Perry)
opposed, larger government, that runs
Perrys last budget increased state spending by 19%.
Does he think Bell would increase spending by 90%?
Come to think of it
Silliest Tagline: I thought there would be more of
these, but I was disappointed. I have to give it to
Bell for saying, I am a serious man with a serious
Most Totally Incomprehensible Gibberish: OK, so this
is a tough categorythere was a lot of
incomprehensible gibberish. But I have to give it to
Chris Bell. When asked about his proposal to grant
residency to undocumented workers, he responded, I
stood up to Tom Delay! Huh?
Strangest Recurrent Theme: Everyonefrom my opponents
to the assembled journalists kept babbling on about
the great trauma of a foreign company building a
highway in Texas. Whats the deal with this? Are we
afraid that were going to be invaded by Spain??
Cmon yallas long as their moneys green (or
whatever damn color money is these days) we should
welcome them! The Trans Texas Corridor is another
Most Interesting Observation: Kinky gets this one for
letting us know that he does not use the Internet
because it is, The work of Satan.
More to follow...
Posted 10.6.2006 4:19:58 PM
As the only ballot-certified candidate for governor to
be excluded from the gubernatorial debate this Friday,
I've agreed to blog my answers to each of the debate
questions for the Statesman. These answers will
appear following the debate itself on Friday.
And you can bet that my remarks will be more
interesting than the tired answers of the mainstream
Additionally, stay tuned for details on our
multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Belo
Corporation for their alleged illegal corporate
campaign contribution to my competitors.
Posted 10.5.2006 8:43:14 AM