Sex and the Single Apple
"Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so...Much
pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow..."
--John Donne (1609)
On Friday, March 16, 2012, Ben & Jerry's announced
the creation of a new dessert which is to be released
only in England. That treat markets same-sex marriage.
Their new flavor is loaded with apples and is called
Apple-y Ever After.
On the same day, Reuters News reported that people
who regularly eat apples have a lower risk of diabetes,
according to the Harvard Nurse study.
The simple apple made earth shattering news three times
last week but nobody seems to have noticed the final
event, with the exception of a lone notmilkman. Does
an apple a day keep the doctor away? That saying has
been a point of controversy forever and a day.
On March 7, 2012, the Journal of Agricultural and
Food Chemistry found that the addition of 5 percent
apple skins to cooked hamburgers reduced the levels
of E. coli O157:H7 to below detection limit.
From the moment that Eve took her bite of the
forbidden fruit, the apple has been embroiled
First there came Eve. Many Millennia (millenniums?)
later, Hippocrates recommended sweet apples as an aid
to good health and digestion. An evil witch poisoned
Snow White's bright red apple and she fell into
a coma. Next, a dad (William Tell) was forced to
shoot an apple off of his son's head. At about the
same time, Bishop Albertus Magnus proposed that apple
trees have souls. A few centuries later, Sir Isaac
Newton developed the laws of gravity after watching
an apple fall to the ground. One hundred years ago,
J.T. Stinson's keynote address at the St. Louis
Exposition included this line: "An apple a day keeps
the doctor away." St. Louis then became home to a
biotech company (Monsanto) that would attempt to
engineer children's vaccines and medicines into
apples. And of course, let us not forget alar.
Of the 2000+ emails I get each day, one or two come
from meat eaters intent on debating serious issues
by using convoluted logic. One line of their thinking
often involves the apple.
I have been accused of heinous crimes, including being
a broccoli murderer, carrot torturer, and apple killer.
I've just about had all that I can chew regarding
accusations of apple-homocide.
So, let us explore the very core of the apple. Eating
apples is actually about sexual reproduction. Human
males have been gifted with an enormous feeling of
pleasure while passing their seed to receptive females
during the act of reproducing their species.
Such must also be the way of apples. One must assume
that each one of Mother Nature's animals and plants
has appropriately been given a similar innate gift of
pleasure during that magic moment.
And what constitutes the climatic moment for an apple
tree? Having her fruit eaten by a mammal, that's what.
The apple contains seeds for the mother-tree's offspring.
The mammal enjoys the fruit of her labor by taking the
perfumed fruit containing seeds far from the mother tree.
The animal then becomes an important part the apple's
reproductive cycle by depositing the seed with a copious
amount of organic nitrogen-containing fertilizer to
nurture that seed's growth.
Each summer I reserve a part of my garden for broccoli
seeds. The plant produces beautiful florettes which would
make for a wonderful dish when sauteed with a bulb or two of
my organically-grown garlic. However, I allow those plants
to flower and go to seed for two wonderful reasons. First,
few flowering plants are as stunning as the yellow sunburst
produced by the broccoli plant. Second, those flowers are
delicious in salads. To the broccoli plant, her be all and
end all is to produce seeds. These are her potential
children. The act of picking the plant must then be an
act of infinite pleasure. Premature seed-shedding still
provides some pleasure, even in non-plants, for that is
how living creatures have been programmed. In other words,
a broccoli plant lives to be eaten, for in life's final
act, she dies and exists for future generations.
Such is the nature of the broccoli, carrot, apple,
orange and strawberry. Give pleasure to a pear or
a peach or bunches of grapes as often as you can.
The next time you, as a vegetarian or vegan, are
accused of being a plant killer, let those who
criticize be made aware of nature's perfect plan.