The trouble (troubled mind) begins
when you start prescribing specific
attributes to "supposedly spiritual"
people. It is not a matter of "trying"
to live a moral and ethical life.
When one is immersed in the spiritual
life, there is a kindness and
compassion that is apparent - as you
have described (as opposed to
prescribed). But we are where we
are in our own individual stages
of development. This woman did not
act against you. She used whatever
strategy she needed to survive.
Her strategy may have been flawed
and selfish, but it was what she
decided for herself.
You write of this woman as though
she were your possession - your
"creation" even, who was programmed
by you to live up to your expectations.
This does not discount the pain
you are in, but you are rehearsing
the pain and giving it continued
life in the form of anger and
harsh judgment (both of your fair lady
and the bastard).
You might look at your contribution
to the series of events, take some
responsiblity what happened "to you",
and then...return to meditation.
At 31, you are still short of a
maturation leap that will let you
forgive and "return" to the joy and
understanding of the gift of life
and every breath. Meditation can
be the bridge (or parachute, to
stay true to the metaphor) to
this maturation leap.
Meditation may not change events,
or flowers, but it does change
perspective and appreciation
for the natural beauty of life
...and roses and tulips, and
Continuing the internal chatter
about this woman and what she did
to you is not meditation. Meditation
is silent, and draws on an inner
wisdom without words. Meditation
will melt the past, reveal the
wisdom of forgiveness (for both
yourself and this woman), and
restore your life to a positive
Find a good mediation teacher and let
them guide you to the real rewards